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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

It’s amazing what people accept as just the way it is

103 replies

Blondebombsite83 · 18/12/2019 21:41

I’ve noticed, especially in the run up to Christmas, that so many women of all ages accept that the majority of the Christmas prep is down to them. The amount of women at work who’ve said that their DHs are useless at wrapping/buying presents/ cooking etc. And this is just ok? We don’t have a particularly revolutionary marriage and my husband is far from perfect but this year he has organised our DSs main Christmas presents, wrapped a few presents that needed to go out early and would absolutely do half the cooking at Christmas if we weren’t away. He isn’t ‘helping’ and I don’t have to ask. He just does it. I could maybe understand if these husbands were only crap at one or two things but it seems to then become washing/ ironing/ food shopping etc. At one point do people draw a line and expect to live with an adult?

Nb I’m know there are plenty of women who claim to be shit at things all adults should be able to do, but I work with a lot of hetero women.

OP posts:

lifeisgoodagain · 18/12/2019 21:44

It depends on your circumstances, every family has different set ups and situations that can affect balance of tasks ... I can openly admit that until my h left me, I hadn't cleaned a bathroom in 25 years yet I cooked basically every meal in that time! So yes I do Christmas, but I don't work full time, and I get generous spousal maintenance, he's coming around for dinner as always on Christmas Day

emilybrontescorsett · 18/12/2019 21:48

I agree op.
I think it's just an extension of their lives really. The women do the majority of the thoughtful, caring, domestic roles and this just rolls over into Christmas.
I couldn't stand to be in such a relationship, I was once.

My dh does all the cooking and is responsible for all the food shopping. He buys Christmas presents and sorts them out himself.
It great and I really wouldn't have it any other way.

YahooGmail · 18/12/2019 21:49

Mine would be involved in the cooking, food shopping, housework etc, but I'd rather pick the presents and wrap them myself. Don't really find it a big deal, nor would I insist he did half of the wrapping just for the sake of it

Babybel90 · 18/12/2019 21:50

Not just Christmas, in general life too. My mum has infuriated me since I was a teenager just accepting all sorts of crap as ‘just the way it is’

When my dad got made redundant he was at home all day and she was working full time yet still did all of the housework and cooking!

Lovelyjubbly45 · 18/12/2019 21:57

I’m happy to faff about getting gifts, food etc in for Christmas. If I didn’t organise these bits my husband would do it all the in his time (day before Christmas) he wouldn’t make such a fuss of it all but it would be equally great! I’m part time so I generally do the house and kids, he’s full time and does what’s needed when needed.

Fanlights · 18/12/2019 22:01

I agree it’s astonishing, OP. In fact thats been the revelation of Mn for me, how many women are in abusive or unequal relationships and don’t even realise. They post about their baby waking at night, and disclose when questioned that they work FT and do all housework, cooking and night waking, pay all household bills etc. Despite being married to an able-bodied adult. And that’s normal to them.

iamNOTmagic · 18/12/2019 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KittyMarmalade · 18/12/2019 22:05

Mine will help with anything I ask him to, but I am definitely the brains behind the operation. I hate Christmas for this reason. Just equals an extra busy and expensive month to me.

RoseyOldCrow · 18/12/2019 22:16

DH has done about 30% by value but 3% by effort.
(He never cleans, rarely tidies, only loads the washing machine or takes the bins out if I specifically ask.)
I'm thoroughly pissed off this year, it won't be like this next time.

Scarsthelot · 18/12/2019 22:21

I dont know.

I dont do it all. Far from it. Dp and my exh did their fair share.

But I grew up in a family of women that did it all. But, they would do it all refuse any suggestions they donr do it all because their partners and husband 'will just get it wrong' and then moan about having to it all themseleves and how badly done to they were.

My dad and uncles werenr useless men children. But the women in my family love to have control and martyr themseleves. My nana, as much as I loved her, was the same.

I cant be arsed with it all.

BackforGood · 18/12/2019 22:25

every family has different set ups and situations that can affect balance of tasks

This ^
Your title / OP is based on a big generalisation.
Yes, some are like this, but equally, others aren't

Twinklelikethechristmastree · 18/12/2019 22:30

My dh cooks and does laundry. He will probably cook over Christmas because he enjoys it and is a good cook. However, I expect I'll probably do all the wrapping and running Around to buy last minute presents and last minute tidying. Not all men are lazy.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 18/12/2019 22:33

What I find amazing is how many women not only accept this but passionately defend it (I would put money on this thread going this way), declaring how this is actually a great arrangement and their DH is actually an amazing husband and man because blah blah blah and anyway don't you know that men just think differently to women? I think it's because facing the reality - if a man thinks that your job in life is to do jobs that he considers beneath him then he doesn't actually love or respect you - is too painful. Presumably even worse is accepting that a man who can't be fucked to do the most basic things for his kids doesn't actually love them either, which is why women will argue black is white in this respect. I saw a thread recently where a woman said her DH never even cuddled their children as babies, let alone changed a nappy, because babies are boring, but insistently vehemently that he was a fantastic dad.

Pfefferkuchen · 18/12/2019 22:34

that their DHs are useless at wrapping/buying presents/ cooking etc.

depends what they mean by "useless" frankly.
if they try to get out of everything by doing a shit job on purpose, it's childish.
If they are doing a perfectly good job, but not acceptable by their partner's standards, then it's the partners problem.

When you see the threads laughing or abusing a Dh because he "washed the dishes wrong" (how many ways to wash a plate?!? if it's clean, it's fine?), "wrapped the presents wrong" because he chose the wrong colour..

PoultryBallot · 18/12/2019 22:34

We perpetuate what we are exposed to. I've only seen the reality since being on MN.

Etinox · 18/12/2019 22:35

Meh. You’re right of course, but what would happen if the woman didn’t do it either?
Not much that’s what- Christmas would still happen. Still a day off with nice food- I ordered mine today, took 20 mins in my lunch break. Another half hour and I’ve done half of the present shopping.
Three things that make it a lot easier.
•Money, I probably spend less than most but can order online, don’t have to budget or spread things through the year.
•Time, eg. didn’t have to juggle childcare or turn it into a family outing and I could go and pick up a Christmas Tree from bloody Ikea after work yesterday.
•Expectations. No one expects anything unaffordable or hard to source. I don’t buy for dozens. Send maybe a dozen cards to older relatives.
Now doing a traditional roast including for 3 vegans, a nut allergy and a lactose intolerance and no-sugar guest.

Lulualla · 18/12/2019 22:35

It's not just the women with the useless husbands. I'm a single mum so I dont have a man around to be useless, so it's not something I think about. But one if the dad's from school was dropping his son off at gymnastics when I was dropping mine off, and he said "I spend the day ordering all the Christmas presents but they're all arriving tomorrow in about 30 different deliveries so that's going to be a pain in the ass". And I was quite surprised that he'd done all the present shopping instead of his wife.
I shouldn't have been surprised. If the mum had said that, I wouldn't have been surprised.

Pfefferkuchen · 18/12/2019 22:36

if a man thinks that your job in life is to do jobs that he considers beneath him then he doesn't actually love or respect you

again, depends.
I don't paint ceilings. I hate it, I am not doing it so DH does it. He still have my full respect

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 18/12/2019 22:37

"this year he has organised our DSs main Christmas presents, wrapped a few presents that needed to go out early and would absolutely do half the cooking at Christmas if we weren’t away."

so he's er doing pretty much nothing then?

I tease

Every household has a different division of labour. I've done 95% of Christmas stuff this year, as always. I used to love it....but I CBA any more really. OH will manage a few last minute things, as ever. But he does the school run every single morning, and has done for the last 11 years. If those women are moaning, they need to change stuff.

ivykaty44 · 18/12/2019 22:39

I’m bossy and tell others what to do, as I’m not doing it all. I don’t do all the shopping either or all the cooking, or all the supermarket shopping.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 18/12/2019 22:42

But ceilings need painting once every, I don't know, say ten years? Or maybe thirty.

Whereas cooking and cleaning are daily drudgery. The two things don't compare.

chomalungma · 18/12/2019 22:43

One of my favourite quotes from Australia (the movie)

"Just because it is, doesn't mean it should be"

Besidesthepoint · 18/12/2019 22:49

I'm a housewife so I feel that I should do most. DH does do some stuff around the house, he cleans the litter box, takes out the trash, cleans the gutter and cooks once (sometimes twice) a week. For christmas he does presents for me, chauffeurs his mum and he cooks the meat dish. I don't ask for these things, he tells me what he is going to do. I feel that the division is fair since the house is "my job" and his work is six long days a week (self employed). I have more down time than him.

Jumpingforgin · 18/12/2019 22:59

I think it depends on the individual situation. My oh is very hands on and does more than his fair share of the housework (more than me!), day to day running of the house, caring for dc, and just general "stuff" that alot of my friends dhs won't/don't do, but when it comes to Xmas, I do take over and do the majority of the pre Xmas prep (presents, wrapping etc) as if I left it to dh, he wouldn't buy as much, or get the best deals, and I'd be stressed right up until Xmas Eve as he'd definitely leave bits until last min. I like the majority done in November, so I can actually enjoy the run up to Xmas with only a few last min bits to get. Stuff like the kids teachers presents, he'd probably say it's not necessary, and wouldn't bother with it, and I'd be sat in the corner twitching, as to me, it's important. We are also closer on the whole to my side of the family, and I buy for them, he buys for his. Mine involves alot of thought, time and effort, alot more people to think about, and it is stressful, whereas buying for his side of the family involves his dad giving him a list of crap to buy some stuff off of, and he orders it online, job done... I wouldn't expect him to go and choose perfume for my mum, and he doesn't know the kids friends like I do to choose the right present. I think on the whole, alot of women enjoy taking over at xmas, that's why they do it. I don't enjoy it as such, but I know it's preferable to watching DH not even think about shopping until the 22nd of December 🤣. I want Xmas to be "perfect", his idea of this is different to mine, and involves far less effort, so I'll stick with doing the majority, but he WILL be cooking Xmas dinner as he's an amazing cook, and he's already done most of the wrapping as I like him to know what "we've" bought the kids! I still moan to my gfs about how I've "done everything" as that's how it feels, but I wouldn't have it any other way tbh.

PettyContractor · 18/12/2019 22:59

I'd bet almost none of the things these woman are doing is because (a) their husband has decreed it needs to be done, and (b) ordered them to do it.

This is women making up things for themselves to do, then complaining so they can get the extra credit that comes with being put upon.

The last time I organised a chrismas for myself, DW and DD abroad visiting relatives without me, the preparations consisted of half-an-hour shopping for treat foods. I think I had salmon and egg on toast for breakfast, pizza and ice-cream for lunch, Strudel and custard for dinner. On the whole it was a more pleasant day than when everyone is home and DW does all the work. (Even though she cooks a very nice duck.)

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