It’s amazing what people accept as just the way it is

[Blondebombsite83]

I’ve noticed, especially in the run up to Christmas, that so many women of all ages accept that the majority of the Christmas prep is down to them. The amount of women at work who’ve said that their DHs are useless at wrapping/buying presents/ cooking etc. And this is just ok? We don’t have a particularly revolutionary marriage and my husband is far from perfect but this year he has organised our DSs main Christmas presents, wrapped a few presents that needed to go out early and would absolutely do half the cooking at Christmas if we weren’t away. He isn’t ‘helping’ and I don’t have to ask. He just does it. I could maybe understand if these husbands were only crap at one or two things but it seems to then become washing/ ironing/ food shopping etc. At one point do people draw a line and expect to live with an adult?

Nb I’m know there are plenty of women who claim to be shit at things all adults should be able to do, but I work with a lot of hetero women.

When I was with my XH Christmas was exactly like this. He never thought about what to buy anyone, including the DC, only wrapped the presents for me and just generally left it for me to do. I just got on with it and didn't think too much of it.

The other week, whilst shopping, my DP said he wanted to go to a shop. When he came back he had bought some presents for my DC and he's also ordered them some books. I'm so used to having to be responsible for everything that it actually surprised me that he would think to buy them anything rather than just leave it to me. Then last weekend, he went and got the presents that we had already bought for them and started wrapping them. It sounds so ridiculous but I was completely taken aback because their own father never took the initiative to do these things for his children, yet their step father looked at me like I was insane for being surprised.

It is true that you start to accept things as normal. I'm glad I've got a new normal.

Olive30

I agree- it's about finding a balance that is fair.

My OH also works a 60 hour week, I work around 25 hours, so it is fair that I do most of the housework.OH does what he can , and we both put in an equal amout of effort into running the home and working to pay the bills- we both pull our weight to the same extent.And that is what matters - rather than who does what.

I do most of the Christmas stuff - and I enjoy it! If I didn't do it, it wouldn't get done because DH simply doesn't care about the majority of it (decorations, presents, Christmas cards, treat food extras like cake and mince pies, panto, visit santa) He does buy the tree, and he helps cook the main Christmas dinner, so I guess they would still happen if I downed tools. But I like all those extras, and I enjoy doing them (and I don't moan about it either).

I’m amazed too OP and struggle to see how and why they get themselves into this situation.
Although, I do actually think the reason many women end up doing everything is because they’re control freaks.

My ex was like that but my DP is the opposite. He’s fully involved in Christmas and we’ve done all the shopping together. He has strong views on things like bread sauce and sprouts and it’s so much fun and so refreshing to be with someone who fully embraces the spirit of the whole thing. He’s up in the loft on 1st December dragging down all the decorations and getting us organised. Christmas starts when he lifts up the little one to put the star on the top of the tree.

@thepeopleversuswork but it does "work for some people".

DH earns lots of money (the majority of the assets are in my name), works long hours and I only work very part-time. I have a lovely life and I don't need him to be running around doing things when he gets home that I don't need or want him to do.

I enjoy and am a really good cook, I like decorating stuff, wrapping presents, writing cards and buying gifts.

We both want each other to be happy, why would I change it just to satisfy someones else's feminist agenda?

The control aspect is because it's women who have been made to feel that if it isn't done well then it's their shame to carry. Women have been drip fed for years that it is there role. Surely we can all agree that we are constantly told by adverts, tv programmes and the people around us that women do the housework. And it's us that should be to blame if our house isn't clean or presents aren't up to scratch.
Men have been exposed to this as well to millennia. It is slowly getting better but often the mental load falls on women. Particularly the kids (and all the 100s of things shool expect us to do)

My husband hasn't done anything towards christmas. I enjoy choosing and wrapping presents and I enjoy cooking and organising but he doesn't. On the other hand in the last 2 weeks he has painted 2 rooms in the house, rearranged furniture and sorted out the loft. Nothing to do with Christmas but all stuff which was useful and I am not keen on doing.
I'm sure some husbands do sod all but just because they haven't wrapped presents doesnt automatically make them a waste of space.

My Dp for all his faults is very hands on when it comes to Christmas.

We both go out and buy the main present,we do the Christmas shop together.We get an equal imput.

But we play to our strengths,i cook,look after the kids mostly.He cleans and does the diy.

I dont think doing things 50/50 for the sake of it is worth it.Do what you are good at.It helps everything else run smoothly.

Women do it so their DCs have happy memories, or their close family has a traditional Cmas dinner/ nice present.
Men don't care so much / are too lazy (the men in my life, I'm an older lady).

I think it depends on the set up of family, normally DP wraps the presents and does some of the present shopping, will go to the shops this year for all the christmas lunch stuff, because I forgot to book a delivery date. I cook the Christmas lunch because I enjoy doing it and shock, horror.

I am really looking forward to boxing day when I can clean up, get the decs down and hoover. That could be because I don't like Christmas though

Not my experience. Df always cooked most of Christmas Dinner, and did the washing up afterwards. Dm and df had an evening where they locked the bedroom door and wrapped up together.
Dh will do most of ours. He's already made the Christmas puddings.
I get most of the presents except for his side because I enjoy it, but other than that he does at least half.

Dh needs reigning in. Our house is the most Christmassy in the street by some measure. He went to buy a tree and came back with two. Be careful what you wish for...

We dont have kids and small families so not a lot of prep.......and we dont do presents as we're fortunate enough that if we want to buy something, we normally just buy it.

However, I do 100% of the Christmas cooking and baking - and all from scratch.

I work away a lot but I love to cook so rarely get much of a chance.

If I left Christmas dinner up to DH he would be quite happy serving:

1 Three slices of turkey, beef and ham bought from the Deli counter
2 Aunt bessies roasties, carrots and parsnips
3 Instant gravy
4 Birds ready made trifle

I've told him that a Christmas dinner like that will happen over my dead body.

I don't even think it's just husbabds that are like this. I've worked in places where I did things be cause people would say well your the best at it and where despite the tasks to be done are obvious they need to be told to do them.
I see kids in the school I work in do the same, they ask for help with task they need to practise as part of life like cutting up food, getting dressed etc.
I think there are many out there where its just easier to let others do stuff, and those who do it just do it for an easier life an they know it will get done properly.
Personally it's something that really annoys me it always has. Now I say no, if they say well your better or quicker at it I tell them tough their not incapable and they'll never get better if they rely on others all the time.
An my kids, I want to be proud I've raised kids who are capable.
For those who sit back and wait to be asked to do stuff of course I tell them, I don't ask I tell them to stop leaving it to others, stop being lazy and muck in.

I find it a very unattractive trait in people.

Bloody hell there is lots of judgement. I don't have a dp who does nothing at Christmas but even so, surely some people people have different strengths and weaknesses?

Maybe I don't fully understand because we have quite a small Christmas of just us so it's pretty low key and there isn't an enormous amount of work to do, but I like to plan the food and gifts because I enjoy it so much. DP will help and is great with what I ask him.

And on the other hand he is better at other domestic stuff than me.

I find between stuff like this and the thread about other people suffering due to peoples decision to stay a home with their "own little family" that a lot of people seem to judge the entire essence of ones being based on the few weeks around Christmas

Maybe I'm an odd one, but I really love cooking the big Christmas breakfast, the dinner and all the desserts, buying the presents and doing Santa Claus. I love that my DCs have that to look forward to and remember. I don't resent it one bit.

I think these things are done by the person in the household to whom they are important. If your DH doesn't care about having elaborately wrapped presents and a Christmas dinner with twenty trimmings, then he's not really obliged to create them.

It’s human nature if someone takes on a task others quietly step back.

I am lucky with dh but he goes ott our house is like a glowing beacon of Christmas after he went for it unsupervised in a garden centre

TBF i do get all the pressies and cards but sometimes we do have an afternoon together to go and get some presents particularly our 2 kids stuff and DH gets his own cards for his mom and dad and sister because I refused years ago to pick cards that are off him personally. Everything else we do together.

@lifeisgoodagain

I can openly admit that until my h left me, I hadn't cleaned a bathroom in 25 years yet I cooked basically every meal in that time! So yes I do Christmas, but I don't work full time, and I get generous spousal maintenance, he's coming around for dinner as always on Christmas Day

@Jumpingforgin you’ve more or less described our situation. When we had young children, my husband did way more than half of a lot of things like caring for the kids and housework to enable us both to work full time (opposite shifts) as we couldn’t afford to pay for childcare. I was exactly the same as you when it came to Christmas in that it was me that wanted it to be perfect (probably partially working mother guilt) and he was happy with a tin of Twiglets.

Christmas itself is a red herring in my opinion. It’s a cumulative explosion of the pent-up rage which is directly proportionate to whether you are carrying a useless man-baby for the rest of the year.

@Yestermost I definitely agree with what you are saying about the fact that it’s automatically “our” fault if it’s not perfect. Why is that though, and why do we even care? Years of social conditioning? Why can’t we just break the cycle? No one is going to blame my husband if little Billy doesn’t have a costume for the nativity play, and let’s face it even if little Billy has a single dad all the other mummies will be rallying round to help him 🙄.

@ACautionaryTale to play devils advocate though, so what if that’s your Christmas lunch? It’s food, it’s vaguely festive and you didn’t have to organise or cook it. I think your post, in a way, epitomises the whole issue. Why is what one person (normally the woman) wants and expects so much better than what the other person is happy with? I mean I wouldn’t want that for Christmas lunch either, but I think it’s an interesting discussion point.

I’ll cook the dinner as I love it but DH has done everything else including putting up the trees as I hate it.

I agree with ScreamingValala to a certain extent - I know loads of women who say they do all these things because their dhs are useless, but knowing the couples, many of them clearly actually mean they want things done the way they like them done and their dhs have a different view on it they would rather ignore by doing it their way themselves instead, because they think their way is the only right way of doing everything. Alongside sharing the domestic load, you have to be willing to take on different domestic opinions. Not all women are ready to accept that bit - they expect their partners to do half of the work that the woman deems to be necessary, not what they have genuinely agreed as a couple is actually necessary.

Men are controlling because they are twats and abusive, they need to sort themselves out

But when women are controlling, its not their fault its everyone elses?

Its like some people cant imagine that a woman can just be controlling and abusive.