It’s amazing what people accept as just the way it is

[Blondebombsite83]

I’ve noticed, especially in the run up to Christmas, that so many women of all ages accept that the majority of the Christmas prep is down to them. The amount of women at work who’ve said that their DHs are useless at wrapping/buying presents/ cooking etc. And this is just ok? We don’t have a particularly revolutionary marriage and my husband is far from perfect but this year he has organised our DSs main Christmas presents, wrapped a few presents that needed to go out early and would absolutely do half the cooking at Christmas if we weren’t away. He isn’t ‘helping’ and I don’t have to ask. He just does it. I could maybe understand if these husbands were only crap at one or two things but it seems to then become washing/ ironing/ food shopping etc. At one point do people draw a line and expect to live with an adult?

Nb I’m know there are plenty of women who claim to be shit at things all adults should be able to do, but I work with a lot of hetero women.

I work part-time, DH works long hours so I do the majority of “home things”. That includes the fuss around Christmas. I’m neither abused nor oppressed and it bugs me that I get judged for “doing everything” for my husband. Our arrangement works for us.

I do get kind of annoyed by all the ‘why did you marry a child?’ bollocks MNers give out when someone posts about being fed up with an unequal balance of domestic work. Dynamics change unexpectedly when children come along; the fabulous feminist man you married doesn’t always walk the walk once life gets complicated with sleep deprivation and endless domestic drudgery and money worries. That doesn’t make it the woman’s fault for not seeing into his soul that this is how he would behave in the future; nor does it mean a woman who finds herself in this situation is some sort of mindless surrendered wife. And not everyone has the resources / desire
to just up and leave because their partner (who might even have redeeming qualities) doesn’t do any night wakings and has to be reminded a hundred thousand times to put the washing on.

Sure, this doesn’t need to be ‘how it is’. But for some people, accepting (often after years of trying various ways to change things) that this is ‘just how it is’ in their marriage allows them to live at peace with an imperfect balance in a functional partnership, to give less and take more in other areas, so that while housework might not be 50/50, things more or less even out overall and they are able to be content and without resentment.

Also, I’ve yet to encounter a marriage outside of MN where the man genuinely does 50% of childcare and housekeeping, and writes Christmas cards without prompting. Honestly never seen this except in MN legend. (But then I only know one person who voted Leave so clearly there’s a big wide world out there I have no contact with).

Very well articulated @newbluegoo

Though I promise you, there are stay at home Dad's who do close to 100% of the domestic work while their wives work. They might be rare but they defo exist.

NewBlueGoo I all fairness, on most threads where women are complaining that their partners dont do enough, it's usually accompanied by stories of how they were shit before marriage or kids.

Or an admission that its always been unequal. So yes, in those situations, the woman is partly to blame because she has accepted that pre kids and expected things to magically change after. The line 'I thought having a baby would make him grow up' is trotted out all the time.

Well....if you asked my DH about division of labour, he’d probably point out that I never pay attention to the bins, cat litter, garden or general household maintenance like clearing gutters.

We have a fairly old school way of splitting up labour; I tend to take on more traditionally ‘female’ jobs like cooking and laundry, and yes that includes Christmas. He does the jobs that involve getting cold, wet or dirty. We’re happy with our set up and it suits us, so whatevs.

Obviously we are both more than capable of doing each other’s share of the labour, but we work to our skills and look after each other. (Although I do wonder sometimes if I ever end up living in this house alone, how I would get into our attic through the tiny, spider ridden ceiling hatch!)

...oh and when I’m tired and grumpy, I’ll probably have a rant about how DH never helps with the laundry and I iron all his clothes.....conviniently forgetting that he has probably spent that time cleaning and oiling my bike and washing the car.....

YANBU.

I do, for myself, prefer it this way as I like things being done the way I want them done, but OH does do things that I ask him to do and some things off his own bat - if he did nothing at all (like my ex) I would be very resentful. But in a general sense I don't like it because I feel like I'm letting the side down by being OK with because it's not OK when it happens in most couples.

oh and when I’m tired and grumpy, I’ll probably have a rant about how DH never helps with the laundry and I iron all his clothes.....conviniently forgetting that he has probably spent that time cleaning and oiling my bike and washing the car.....

Unless you have the world's oiliest bike and the world's cleanest car, I think it's very unlikely that he spends all the time you spend on laundry doing that. Which is one problem with the 'pink tasks, blue tasks' model - the tasks 'for women' are the daily drudgery, the ones 'for men' are occasional. There is no household in which the gutters get cleared or the bins get put out (which takes seconds! I'm always surprised people even include it as household labour!) as often as food gets cooked.

DH is a disabled SAHP, I’m a full time University student. We have a cleaner for things like hoovering, changing bedding, deep clean of bathroom and kitchen weekly. He does light cleaning, all of the cooking, all of the school/nursery runs. We sort finances together, Christmas is a joint effort as I get 4 weeks off, anything that crops up whenever I’m off Uni is sorted together.

Having been married to a lazy useless dickhead previously, I appreciate DH so much.

Maybe I like the misery!

No, I do actually enjoy being the one who buys most of the presents and does the dinner though (only every other year for the dinner).

My dhworks 70, 80 hour weeks, so I do Christmas.
He isn’t the most visual person, and isn’t materialistic which is not a good combo for present choosing!
He will be off for a cooler of days at Christmas though and we will cook together.

Are they happy with the situation though or complaining about it? If they are happy, just let them get on with it. They're not forcing you to be in the same kind of relationship.

I also think that for how many man there are who 'can't' or 'don't' do something, there are also men who don't do it the way the woman wants them to, and therefore it is wrong. So they must swoop in and do it all.

I also think some of these martyrs actually like things they way they are because it makes them feel important and have some value. In all honesty, most of the crap at Christmas isn't important and it's actually a breath of fresh air when you opt out of it all. But then there is also a feeling of 'I have wasted all this time'.

I do think that a lot of men just don't "do" Christmas and that if the women didn't "do" it, Christmas would die out from lack of interest.

DH does buy the presents for all his family though, me and DDs (we both buy things for DDs). He is very thoughtful with presents, one of the reasons I married him.

Me and my mum do most of it purely because we wanted to, DP has organised 40% of the dcs presents and he helps to cook on Christmas Day but everything else is me and my Mum.

LisaSimpsonbff

Yep.

And someone will be along shortly with that hideous line “it works for our family”.

Which is code for “it suits him that I do the entire mental load and I am too scared/trapped to challenge this.”

I have a husband that loves shopping for presents, buys beautiful wrapping paper to wrap them all in and actively seeks to cook Christmas lunch.
It annoys me no end but hard to put into words why. The fact he doesn't “need” me to do anything? That it’s all a bit try hard and he loves the acknowledgement?
I quite like a level of apathy in a man about Christmas. Sort of counter check to the over the top ness.

I do Christmas, but because I love doing Christmas! I enjoy thinking of the gifts, the food, the Amazon-browsing, and I enjoy cooking (and even cleaning up as I go along, although that's more of a necessity as we have so little space). I would be disappointed to have to share these experiences! DP does the social things, like email writing and organising visits, which I avoid at all costs. We play to our strengths!

Which is code for “it suits him that I do the entire mental load and I am too scared/trapped to challenge this.”

I dont think this is true. Christmas is not a huge stress for us. Both me and dp have been picking up presents since September. He is cooking christmas day. We are doing the food shop together and we wrapped together. No gets stressed out.

However, sometimes women take on all the work because they are convinced they can do it better and like the control over it. It's not always cause the men cant be arsed.

My mum was a sahm for a lot of years and she wouldnt allow, actually allow dad to be involved. Because 'you wont do it right'. That wasnt the case at all. He is retired now and she isnt. To hear her speak she still does it all. She doesnt. He does all the house work, cooking, shopping, washing ironing and now does the Christmas. It's all good.

Yet you still hear mum complaining how much washing the 2 of them have and she hates it when you say 'but you dont do it'. She actually hates that he isnt as useless as she has told everyone. Their marriage has always been shit in part because of her need to control everything and be a martyr. She also hates that I wont commemorate about how stressful Christmas is for women, because for me it's not. I dont set myself up to stress myself out, in any situation.

Fact is mum has always been very controlling and wanted to look like she was doing more than anyone else. Her and all her sisters are all competitive and its unhealthy. Their parents raised them that way and they all believe they need to show they are the better woman, wife, parent.

Mums and extreme case but I know quite a few women, who do it all because they like the control and praise of it. Not because their male partners cant be arsed.

It depends on the individuals. My dh does absolutely nothing at all to help and I prefer it that way. Christmas is his busiest period at work and he works long hours and only has Christmas Day off. Myself and my siblings have dinner at my parents every year so me and my brother do all the shopping and cooking on the day. I work part time, from home, so have more time to do Xmas shopping for presents and stuff. We have stopped adult present now and only do for the kids.

This works for us. I have no issues with dh having a rest on Xmas day as Xmas eve he works usually until midnight and Boxing Day he’s back at work at 7am.

Dh will always take the dogs out for an extra long walk Xmas morning and take the kids with him. This gives me time to get some prep in before we head to my parents house around lunch time.

I do think some women (& maybe some men?) put themselves under a huge amount of unnecessary pressure to have the ‘perfect’ Christmas and are total martyrs about it.

I go by the philosophy (learned on Mumsnet ) that both partners should have equal downtime & that’s what we do in our marriage, although I probably get more . I couldn’t be bothered to add up every minute of every task but I feel confident that we each do our fair share & I certainly don’t live with a man child.

Something I would always recommend is never live with someone unless they have lived alone & understand household management... & if they turn out to be useless why on earth stay with them? There is something deeply unattractive about a man ho can’t clean a toilet, do the ironing or write a Christmas card.

It's up to the individual family surely.

I do most of the gifts at christmas- and wrapping- but I enjoy it.

Besides I have a month off work this christmas- and I am loving every minute of it.

I do basically everything for Christmas, but DH helps out with stuff that needs to be done all year - cooking, cleaning, etc. The only thing he never does is ironing because I don't trust him to do it without burning everything.

I agree, OP, and see this going on around me a lot. But we have fallen into it too! And I an a (liberal) feminist. It is due to circumstances and work life though rather than my dh thinking he is 'better' than these tasks or they are 'women's' work. Atm, he works around 60 hours per week outside the home and I work around 25...so it just makes sense for us. I could not be with someone who did not respect my time, effort and well me so I suppose as long as you have that basic respect in a relationship, it is ok??

Each family is different but there is still gender inequality in many areas. It is very annoying but it's the fact that women give birth to children and childcare often falls to them. I am conflicted to be honest as I want to do the childcare AND be really fulfilled career wise etc...and it has not been possible for me - at the moment, anyway.

@LisaSimpsonsbff you were right!! 🤣 Get out of the 1950s ladies!!