The main reason for his unhappiness is how I look

[BettyBT]

I’m a bit numb about what he’s said really, as it’s like a stab in my heart. But am I right to think that it’s really very nasty to base your happiness on how another person looks?

This is something my husband said to me whilst I was making coffee this morning. He’s unhappy and grumpy and it’s because I’m overweight.

I’m really quite horrified that I’ve been married to this person for 8 years (together 12 years). We’ve got 3 beautiful children. He’s an arsehole. I am flabbergasted that he’s so fickle.

Our baby is 16 months old and I haven’t lost the last 12kg yet. I went back to normal after the first two pregnancies, but this time I’m so tired and busy and only recently stopped breastfeeding. We both work full time, but he’s not home till gone 8/9pm every night, so for 2-3 hours every evening I’m doing everything with our DC and keeping the house running and making dinner and tidying the kitchen and making sure everyone has clean clothes. He’s out the house before anyone is awake in the morning, so I’m trying to get everyone ready whilst getting myself ready and then rushing to work. I don’t have time to go to a gym. I don’t really have time to eat lunch, as I need to leave my desk at a certain time to get home before childcare closes. I eat too much Lindt chocolate.

I feel sad now, too. But that’s because of what’s he’s said. I don’t think of him as just what he looks like. It’s everything, it’s us, it’s our home, it’s our memories, it’s our children. But that’s obviously not enough for him. He wants to see someone at Relate.

I'm very sad that you're married to this asshole and have 3 children with him. Was he ever a decent human being? If not, why did you marry and have children with him? If he was, when did he become awful?

My husband has a sharp tongue that is reserved for me. Everyone else thinks he’s funny, intelligent and charming. He can be quite horrible sometimes, but never to others and never whilst DC are around. I thought I’d be ok because I can protect my heart and stay happy for our children until they are grown.

The above words just break my heart. That is not how someone treats someone they care about, someone they love. OP you already seem to know that the relationship is toxic, that he treats you like shit - yet you seem to be choosing to sacrifice your right to be treated with respect (and dare I say, warmth!) in order to stay married for your children. Personally I think you should recognise your right, stop this awful man from having any more opportunity to demean you. It will be a difficult transition for the children, but they'll be fine, they'll be better than fine - they will have a happier mum. You're already doing everything for them and the household. (Why is husband out of the house from 7am-9pm?)

Big decisions OP - good luck x

PS What does he think Relate will say - that he is correct to expect you to lose weight and stop eating chocolates, that he is correct to say he is miserable because of your weight, and that it is right that you do ALL weekday mornings and evenings with the 3 kids plus work full-time? Maybe you should go to Relate to give him a reality check.

He is being an entitled cunt - as you know.

I would suggest to him that you would be delighted to have the mental and physical space to put as much care and thought into your appearance as he presumably does - because he is getting his 8 hours of unbroken sleep every night and going to yoga/gym/pool/for a run every day, safe in the knowledge that everything is in hand at home with his children, right?

So put this to him... starting January, you get to go out for a walk/run every morning and make yourself a healthy breakfast in peace & quiet while he gets the kids ready for school/nursery, and 2 or 3 times a week he can come home at 5pm because you'll be at the gym/yoga class/having a quiet 90 mins with a your book in a cafe or - God forfend - developing your career without having to be knackered and stressed out all the time.

Obviously this is going to go down like a lead fucking balloon with him, and you can pack him off to Relate on his own so he can explain to the astonished counsellor what an utter wanker he is.

Point out to him that the very natural response to exhaustion is overeating, and the quickest way to resolve this is for him to pull his own bloody weight instead of complaining about yours.

To be honest though, would your life be much worse if you were single? Your weekdays would be exactly the same, and you could have a rest at weekends, at least.

Yes what does this paragon look like? Does he have a six pack and no fat and is it because he is going to the gym while you’re looking after the kids?

How does he add to your life?

He doesn’t do anything with the kids, he’s horrid to you and doesn’t value you beyond your looks or a factotum.

Imagine if you didn’t have to please him too?

Life just got a whole lot easier.

Read page one-OMG,that is terribly hurtful and disrespectful.

You're right, he is an arsehole.

Please please go to Relate with him - if only for the look on the counsellors face when he explains the "problem". Make sure you get a female one.

Or save yourself the money and skip straight to the divorce.

Make sure you get a female one?!
There are plenty of shit female Relate counsellors.
They may not recognise the abuse and even if they do they might think they can help somehow. They can't.

Please do not go to relate.

Get independent counselling so you can identify why you put up with this absolutely cockwomble that’s abusing you, and hopefully find some inner clarity to move forward.

DO NOT GO TO RELATE WITH AN ABUSER!

I do wish people would stop advising couples counselling on threads where the partner is being abusive.

Relate counsellors are trained to recognise abuse and refer on. I advise it only as a reality check for both the op and her (i suspect) stbxh

I wonder how these men would cope if they had to deal with massive physical changes with every new member of the family. He's grumpy that while bringing his children into the world, working full time and holding the home together, you have the audacity to not look like a Playboy model while doing it?

Be careful with counsellors, even female ones. There's plenty of internalized misogyny to go around. You could find yourself faced with an earnest little twat who wants to talk about how he feels about your weight.

Sorry skipped straight to the end.
So does he have a paunch, is he balding, missing teeth, or his he Adonis ?
Tell him if he was doing even 10% of the fucking home/child work, you would be able to maybe go to the Gym/hairdresser/Rest. But actually its just that he is a complacent bastard.
Sorry do not take this, not long ago he found you attractive enough, he got you pregnant. Tell him to take himself & his dick elsewhere.

I cant believe this.
Your husband sounds completely selfish and shallow, how cruel and unkind to say that to you.
Get a 2020 calender for your kitchen of your favourite actor/singer/heart throb and tell him you wished he looked like said heart throb as that would make you really happy.

the best you can do in this situation is book a weekend away with a good friend and leave him with sole responsibility for the children. It is the only way that disengaged father's ever gain any respect for what most mums do on a daily basis. We had 3 children within 3.5 years and my DH always did 1 day per week of childcare so he knew the stresses it involved ( although he never had to breastfeed etc so never got the most stressful bit)
Aside from that I think you just need to tell him to his face how he makes you feel when you say stuff like that and how not having a spare moment to think about your own needs/ health/ leisure can make it hard to lose excess weight and it's not your top priority. Ask him how he proposes to reduce the stress on you so you can start thinking about your own needs a bit more.

I couldn’t come back from this remark. It’s just so unnecessarily cruel. He isn’t a nice man. A good man would be making sure you had time for yourself to go to the gym or swimming or whatever, take care of yourself, have some fun, feel good about yourself again.

What a prick.

YES! vdnfamily...a weekend away with a GF and let him manage on his own ! Just the ticket. Have fun..

So he's looked at you and thought, "She's put on weight and she's not fit any more" but hasn't thought for a second why that's happened? That shows a level of intelligence that really isn't attractive.

Why does he work such long hours? Can he not see that he only has to get himself ready in the morning and deliberately? doesn't come home until the house is quiet and sorted? Can he really not see how different your lives are?

Thank you so much for the kindness you’ve all shown. I originally heard what he said this morning and thought, wow I must look really awful. But then it popped into my head that I can’t imagine how someone else‘s looks could impact my own mood. Well, maybe if I saw someone was poorly or hurt, then I’d feel empathy and sad, but never disgust at another person’s appearance. I’m glad I’m not being unreasonable thinking he’s an arsehole.

He’s not changed greatly since we met. His face has actually thinned a bit with age. He’s got all of his hair and doesn’t have a paunch. I do wonder if someone has turned his head at work. I hadn’t actually thought about that until someone raised it on here. I’m wondering if I actually care. Maybe he can go charm someone else. Actually, I don’t mean to be so flippant, I’m just very hurt!! When would I even have the time to think about myself??

I’d like to be thinner again, but that’s so my nicer clothes fit again. It isn’t about what other people think about me. I don’t think I look bad in the mirror.

I need to be stronger with saying no to chocolate and mince pies. I actually don’t know how I could do exercise in the week. Actually I could just stop cooking!! And maybe laundry becomes a twice a week chore than 1 or 2 loads a night. I used to do HIIT videos at home many moons ago, so I could find time if I drop some of my to do list.

I’m feeling a bit stubborn too though. I don’t want to lose weight for him!!! And you know what, I don’t want him to touch me right now. Thank you again. You’ve made me smile and also ponder some really important next steps x

I suspect this really isn't about the ops weight, he was simply having a go at her. It was a comment intended to hurt.

Op, why did he say he wants to go to relate? Is there more to this that's he has expressed. I don't think anyone would say we need to go to marriage counselling because you're over weight and I don't like it.

So there is something else going on. The comment on your weight was simply a barbed remark intended to hurt and isn't the main issue. Did he articulate what the other issues are when he said he wanted to go to marriage counselling?

You sound like such a lovely person, OP. He doesn't deserve you!

In terms of losing weight, I lost 4 stone a few years ago and found as long as I was careful with my diet I didn't need to exercise; it's only in the past year that I've had time to exercise. So it can definitely be done even with not much time.

I'll apologise now, this is going to be long.

"He’s out the house before anyone is awake in the morning," and "he’s not home till gone 8/9pm every night"

Why is he absent for all these hours? What are his actual hours of work? How long is his commute? Because IMO if he is actually working, those are unsustainable hours. And if he isn't actually working, then where the hell is he until that late? Since he seems to do fuck all around the house, leaving it all to you, I'd even wonder if he's staying at work just so he doesn't have to do bedtime/bathtime. The alternative of course is he's spending it with another woman. Sorry, but he could be .

"My husband has a sharp tongue that is reserved for me. Everyone else thinks he’s funny, intelligent and charming. He can be quite horrible sometimes, but never to others and never whilst DC are around. I thought I’d be ok because I can protect my heart and stay happy for our children until they are grown."
Oh, what a fucking surprise! So, this has been going on for some time, him chip, chip, chipping away at you. And it's very deliberate since he knows not to do it in front of witnesses. He is choosing to treat you like this. Fucker.

"I can protect my heart and stay happy for our children until they are grown."
I hope this means you're planning to leave the bastard as soon as your children are older.

But stop and think. You've convinced yourself that staying together is better for the children as you don't want to "cause them pain with a broken family and being shuttled back and fore". And because although he's horrible to you it's "never whilst DC are around". I'm going to question your reasoning on this.

DO NOT KID YOURSELF THAT THEY WON'T BE AWARE OF IT ANYWAY. They will pick up on the atmosphere he causes, and he'll slip up someday and they will witness it. And this is not a nurturing environment for them to grow in. I'd ask you to consider - is it really better for them? Is living with two parents, one of whom disrespects the other and one who is hurt by that disrespect, a better environment to grow up in, rather than growing up with a contented mother and a Disney Dad? Please consider, your marriage models the behaviour that will guide them in their own romantic relationships. Is male disrespect and female acceptance of disrespect how you want their marriages to be? I doubt very much that it is. (Oh, and your family will not be broken. It will be in far better shape than if he breaks you by continuing to drip, drip, drip his poison in your ear.)

"I’m worried about going to Relate. I think the counsellor will tell us to break up. Then I’ll be on my own with the DC until he hosts EOW as “Disney Dad” and then I’ll be alone alone. I’ve seen how that arrangement fucked up him emotionally with his own parent’s nasty divorce."
So you already think a neutral party would think your marriage is over. Honestly, I think so too. Unless he seriously shapes up, your marriage cannot withstand your husband's behaviour towards you. But as for "I’ll be on my own with the DC" - sweetheart, you are already alone . He's never there. It won't be any worse, it'll be better; because you won't have anyone being horrible to you. Yes, there will be practical issue to iron out. But it sounds to me that practically, you're already running the show single-handed. And as for when he's performing 'Disney Dad' - you can "be lying down and sleeping then instead", because you do sound exhausted.

You're worried that your children will be damaged by a divorce, as he was. They won't be. You are not his parents, you are a better person and you will protect your children. Protect them from being affected by him being emotionally fucked up. Which is best done by you stopping him damaging you, and removing them from the dysfunctional environment created by your marriage to him. Give your children one functional parent, because he is driving you down.

And as for "I’ve seen how that arrangement fucked up him emotionally with his own parent’s nasty divorce" - what you need to concentrate on is that he is emotionally fucked up, and that you cannot fix that. Nor do you have to be who he punishes for his parents' fuck-ups. You are not a whipping boy, and you deserve better.

I would suggest that you go to Relate, but go armed. Have things written down that you can refer to. Things like:

• his physical absence
• his emotional absence
• what he says to hurt you
• his care that no-one witnesses him being horrible to you (this is a very important thing to make clear)

((hugs))

What a wanker, any feelings I had would be killed with that comment

Jeez, OP, this is so sad. Your ‘D’H sounds awful. I’ve been everything from a size 12-22 (currently cruising the in middle 16-18). My husband has never ever said anything horrible to me. He tells me he loves me just as I am. If I lose weight, I do it for me, because I want to - not because he has ever made me feel I should. And he is supportive when I do it. That is how your partner should make you feel.

Your children will pick up on his nastiness. Staying for the children is a recipe for a miserable life all round.

messolini9 I really don’t believe it but I think the OP’s husband is one of the assholes that has this viewpoint.

I apologise if I worded my post wrong.

@charm8ed - No, it is I who should be apologising, & I am sorry for the high-handed tone I took - not for taking it, but for directing it at you!

Actually your post gave me a lot of food for thought as I tootled around getting chores done this pm. I liked your use of 'clone' to describe the type of woman these globe-trotting successful trophy-wife owners [sic] tend to marry. For a long time I have viewed the 'look' these women cultivate as a kind of Barbie/Porn Doll hybrid, an sexually-exaggerated step on from the Hollywood near-identikit look that we are all sold is some kind of aspirational ideal.

Funnily enough, a Radio show alluded to the Stepford Wives this pm as I was still musing on Clones, & these Barbie/Porn Doll Clones seem ... very Stepford, although I'm sure they would claim to be independent-minded beneficiaries. And that, of course, he luuuuuuurves her for her mind, & she would still be with the twat if he were skint ...

It's interesting - this myth that men prefer skinny model-types.
I suspect that they are told to - just as women are told that they must conform to it, or be forever treated as lesser, snubbed, undervalued ...
In exactly the same way as men are told which model of car they must have, which brand of shaving stuff, they are being told which brand of Woman they must achieve, or be forever judged as a Loser in the competition for desirable resources.

Oooops I am sorry AGAIN for rattling on, & for hijacking a bit, but hope the context at least is valuable to OP as she takes time to quietly mull over her own responses to PP here, & her DH's attempt to shape her into a body that is primarily about his "happiness", & love her only on condition she panders to his cruelty & vanity.
Because wanting your partner to measure up to some arbitrarily imposed fucking standard is vanity - & that's the least of his sins here, with his nasty attitude to & total lack of support of his wife.