The main reason for his unhappiness is how I look

[BettyBT]

I’m a bit numb about what he’s said really, as it’s like a stab in my heart. But am I right to think that it’s really very nasty to base your happiness on how another person looks?

This is something my husband said to me whilst I was making coffee this morning. He’s unhappy and grumpy and it’s because I’m overweight.

I’m really quite horrified that I’ve been married to this person for 8 years (together 12 years). We’ve got 3 beautiful children. He’s an arsehole. I am flabbergasted that he’s so fickle.

Our baby is 16 months old and I haven’t lost the last 12kg yet. I went back to normal after the first two pregnancies, but this time I’m so tired and busy and only recently stopped breastfeeding. We both work full time, but he’s not home till gone 8/9pm every night, so for 2-3 hours every evening I’m doing everything with our DC and keeping the house running and making dinner and tidying the kitchen and making sure everyone has clean clothes. He’s out the house before anyone is awake in the morning, so I’m trying to get everyone ready whilst getting myself ready and then rushing to work. I don’t have time to go to a gym. I don’t really have time to eat lunch, as I need to leave my desk at a certain time to get home before childcare closes. I eat too much Lindt chocolate.

I feel sad now, too. But that’s because of what’s he’s said. I don’t think of him as just what he looks like. It’s everything, it’s us, it’s our home, it’s our memories, it’s our children. But that’s obviously not enough for him. He wants to see someone at Relate.

Agree that he has checked out or his head has been turned

Jesus, I had to look up 12kgs as I have no idea - so basically 1.8 stone overweight. So hardly fat bastard territory, if it was 5 stone then maybe I'd be thinking ok that's a bit chunky but 1.8 stone!!!
Sorry OP I'd have crowned the fucker with a large iron skillet by now and buried him under the patio.
You break your backside doing EVERYTHING and all the whiny twat can go on about is a few pounds - and going to relate for it. I find that absolutely hysterical.
Relate will more likely tell him not to be such a giant idiot and get off his backside and help out.
He sounds like an absolute gem - I'd have given him the heave ho long before now.
So he does absolutely nothing except go to work, leaves everything else up to you and expects you to look like a model despite giving him three lovely children.
Why are you with this man?

It's not the delivery of the "news" it's the way he's blaming his wife for his unhappiness, the way he speaks to her and the fact he's a lazy abusive bastard that's the problem.

I'd love to see how jaw-droppingly attractive the OPs husband is (not). I suspect most people know that personality counts for a lot and looks alone aren't everything. That goes both ways.

Women who have been conditioned into thinking that "men are visual" "only like slim women" or that they are all porn users who need it to have a wank, they really aren't and don't.

What a nasty wee sourpuss he sounds. Chin up OP, you have few battle scars from childbirth to be proud of. Your question is - do you want to keep Moaning Minnie around after this outrageous insult?

So has he come home from work and cooked you lovely low cal food? Has he looked after the kids so you can walk the dog or go for a run? Offered to buy you gym membership or pay for a personal trainer.

Is he a bronzed Adonis who can bounce a pound coin off his tummy muscles? No? Thought not.

Your dh is a shallow judgemental prat. I’ll tell him for you if you like .

Personally I don't think this is about your weight. Men are notorious cowards and generally if they are opting out want to either make it YOUR FAULT when it's got nothing to do with you. I'm putting my bets on, not happy with family life or an affair.

@BettyBT are these hours because he is working?

he’s not home till gone 8/9pm every night

He’s out the house before anyone is awake in the morning

I think he’s engineering an estrangement now before Xmas to give him the excuse to have a guilt free shag the size 10 from accounts, at the Christmas party.

I’d get my financials in order OP.
Like a previous poster, I bet he’s going to cheat on you, as “you drove him to it”. He’s looking to blame you for all his obnoxious, hurtful immature behaviour. He’s feeling entitled.
Check his phone social media and emails... she’s there somewhere.

You deserve a better life than having to have armour against his cutting hate filled remarks. Sounds like a siege situation. You kids know everything.

I’d round up the troops- start a book club with your mates, so he’s on his toes and best behaviour while you get ready to kick his sorry butt to the kerb.

OP, are you happy with your weight and how you look?

What a shallow, abusive cunt. And I suppose he's got the body of an Adonis, has he? And, unless you're only 4' tall, size 14-16 isn't fat!

Tell him you have to eat lots of chocolate, because it's the only way you can get the energy hit you need to run the house single-handed, do a full-time job and look after 3 kids.

He sounds utterly nasty, and not at all supportive. I'd chuck the fekker out.

he could be being an arsehole , but on the other hand he might just be being honest. I know I "went off" my husband when he put on weight. Didn't stop me loving him , but I didn't fancy him the same. That had an impact on our relationship.

We both spoke candidly and we both went onto slimming world
I'm glad we spoke , rather than let things fester. (I also had done some things which needed addressing )
You actually sound rather depressed , do you feel like you would want to lose some weight? If you do it could be the first step. It's tough after having a baby , perhaps do it together if you want to

You could lose a shit tonne of weight overnight OP.
I suggest you do it!
I assume he has the physique and looks of Jessie Pavelka!?
No!? Thought not.
He's a low life scum bag.
You have carried and birthed 3 of his kids.
I wonder what his body would look like.

YES HE needs counselling.
To understand why he can't accept that he is responsible for his own happiness as fucking grown up and to get to grips with why he is such a shallow fucking misogynist!!!

I'm raging for you OP!

Oh OP. He's not being a good husband/partner to you. He is supposed to love and support regardless of a how you look especially after growing three children for him. Jeez.

If you split you'd probably find you have way more free time and energy to enjoy it. Plus you could be happy and run your life how you want to.

Most posters on here are saying the same thing. Think carefully about your next steps. Which, in my opinion, shouldn't be staying with this man.

I'd rather be fat than be a total arsehole.

What an absolute wanker.

Your body has done something awesome. It’s given you three children. Of course your body’s not going to spring back so quickly. Think of it like elastic. If you really stretch it, even if it’s for a long time, it will go back. Keep doing though, and you’ll see a difference.

He’s a massive dickhead for not seeing that. 12kg is nothing. He should love you for you. Whatever.

You’ve got a long life ahead of you, and your body’s going to deteriorate far more in the future. If he can’t cope with a bit of baby weight on the exhausted mother of HIS children, hows he going to cope if something really bad happens.

Sending you hugs. I don’t do the LTB thing, because I think that people mess up, and what we see written here, is just a fraction of the whole story, but I’m so angry in your behalf.

What does he think Relate will do? It’s not fucking weight-watchers. Anyway, to lose weight successfully, you need to do it for you, and not someone else. And it needs to be when you’re ready.

Go to Relate. They won’t tell you what to do, they’ll ask questions to help you really listen to each other and understand what’s going on in your lives. That might draw you back together or it might lead to you both facing the unpleasant truth that you are better off apart but it will be your decision not theirs.

I have to say that as a former couples therapist who was often faced with situations like this I sometimes found that one partner being bothered by the other one putting on weight or losing their looks was down to their own insecurities. Going out with someone really hot or good looking boosted their self esteem and they felt vulnerable when the situation changed. It might be that with your husband or he could be very shallow. You might find out with the help of a counsellor.

When my cousin's (ex) DH started criticising her body and 'lack of career ambition' (while caring for their very young dc) it turned out he had met someone else. He was trying to make it all her fault when in fact he was just an utter bastard.

Oh this is absolutely abysmal and disgusting behaviour from him.

I'm so sorry.

I don't say LTB lightly, but you should. Someone who feels it's ok to say something like this to the mother of their children; someone they're supposed to love is seriously deeply unpleasant on many levels. You need to reconsider your whole relationship.

no hes a cunt.and to bring you down this is how he is doing this.
its not about your weight.he just knows how to hurt you.
do not let it.your not huge.your size is not huge.
he is a controling mean fickle bastard.

Betty, I am a man so I am speaking from a man’s point of view and being a man I am also horrified that he would feel that way. My wife does not look exactly like she did when we were married, but then neither do I. That doesn’t mean we’re less attractive than we were. You’re exactly right “It’s everything it’s us, it’s our home, it’s our memories, it’s our children,” but also these memories makes my wife look more attractive to me. I don’t know what “Relate” is, but some type of couple counseling could help you tell him how you feel in a safe environment. Also he could benefit from individual counseling to help him learn why he is grumpy because of the way you look. Whether you eat too many chocolates is only up to you to decide and whether you are “overweight” is up to you and your doctor to decide and that would be for health reasons. Also be careful if “overweight” is based on BMI (body mass index) as there are many reasons to believe that is not accurate for determining health. You deserve to be happy, because you are a human being. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, there is no ideal look and I believe your children think you are beautiful.

Sincerely Tom, I wish you happiness and many boxes of chocolates.

dont even think on the weight being somehting you need to tackle.this isnt about doing it in your time or when your ready.fuk that this isnt about your weight! its him.its all him.being a nasty man.
what do you think your kids will be screwed up more by.let me tell you.watching your mum stay becasue she was scared to be alone and then watcghing her being mowed slowly into the ground is worse than having a happy and free mum who happens to be divorced from the mean little dad.watching her spiral into herself an be unhappy.trsut me the kids see it all.and it hurts more.they resent you,the dad,they lose trust in everything.
dont let your kids see this.let them see a mum who cares enough to be happy and in turn help them be happy
dont stay for them if this is a future of misery.it ripple and spreads to them

What a nasty piece of shit your husband sounds.

You don't need Relate.

You need a husband who doesn't make you responsible for his inadequacies.

You're worth better

Well where did get such a nice personality from? 'Wankers r us .com'?

You both work FT, but you also carry almost all the load at home? And he's an arsehole to you to boot?

I'd make it very, very clear that he now need to do more at home. He does mornings or evenings child prep.

Or he can expect 50% of the children when your marriage breaks down over it. Don't go for the EOW Disney Dad crap that ruined him. Tell him he'll have to massively re-arrange his job and life to look after his own children every other week and make arrangements for their care if he doesn't immediately cut out the arsehole crap and start carrying his own weight at home, or you'll be losing him. You won't be doing it all.