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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that messaging someone at 4am is unreasonable

428 replies

Macaroni46 · 18/12/2019 05:20

So I've started chatting to a guy online. He seems very keen. Lots of flowery language, you're so beautiful etc lol but literally had only been messaging a few hours.
Gets to around 11pm I say I'm going to sleep now. Lots of flowery night nights from him but finally the messages stop.
Fast forward to 4.15am. I'm fast asleep and am abruptly woken by a message on my phone. I panic and think something's up with the DC (early 20s) or my ageing dad who's had some health scares recently.
I reply to the guy saying why are you messaging me at this time, you've woken me up? He replies saying what's my problem and he only wanted to wish me a good morning. (Or words to that effect). He goes on to say I should be grateful and happy he's thinking of me and I should apologise for being short with him (I told him I was not happy about being woken up). Told me in the country he's from a woman would be grateful to be woken up by a lovely message. I told him I didn't think so and that he'd disrespected my boundaries. I won't be continuing the conversation or meeting him as he sounds unhinged!
I'm now wide awake, fuming cos I'm awake and wondering, this isn't normal is it? I'm not unreasonable for being f'ing furious for being woken in the night (he argued that technically its morning) and for feeling creeped out?

OP posts:
AlaskaElfForGin · 18/12/2019 10:06

Generally I do not see any problem to message at 4 am and assume people who can be woken up by message should put their phone on silent.

Why do you assume that though @mikulkin? People may have many reasons not to put their phone on silent and they should be allowed to do that without people messaging them at 4am unless it's an emergency. Why wouldn't you just send a message at a time when you know that person will be awake and going about their day? I don't mean to sound snippy, I hope I don't, I just genuinely don't understand why the onus seems to be on the person receiving the message rather than the person who is sending, if you know what I mean? Smile < so that you know I'm not being a stroppy mare ...

AlaskaElfForGin · 18/12/2019 10:09

@Lizzie0869 where mobile coverage is very unreliable.

This is probably why I and all my friends have landlines to be fair. I often can't get a reception in my own bloody house. Grin

MinTheMinx · 18/12/2019 10:20

He goes on to say I should be grateful and happy he's thinking of me

Never mind all the other weird shit with this (which very obviously points to the fact that this man should be avoided at all costs) , he's not thinking of YOU is he, because he's a complete stranger who doesn't know you any more than you know him? All this online stuff creeps me out. Aren't there still ways to meet normal people in real life?

TeenPlusTwenties · 18/12/2019 10:25

Alaska just genuinely don't understand why the onus seems to be on the person receiving the message rather than the person who is sending,

Maybe this is a generational thing? But to me (in my 50s), the whole point of texts is that the sender sends when convenient, and the reader receives & replies when convenient. They're like a very short email in that respect. If you want an instant response, then you phone.

Danni12 · 18/12/2019 10:29

I think texting at 4am is weird.....but his response has red flags written all over it!!! Block! Block! Block!

HoppingPavlova · 18/12/2019 10:36

In an emergency they only have the number that the person involved in the emergency has given them, or which is on the ICE number on their phone,

Yes, the ICE is used if the person can’t give one. Which is why it’s important to actually fill it in on the phone. That includes all the medical info fields as well. No idea why a lot of people don’t bother.

PettyContractor · 18/12/2019 10:39

What is wrong with expecting messages at normal times?

A major advantage of asynchronous communication is that both parties deal with the message at a time that's convenient to them. The sender sends it when they want to, and the receiver sees it when they want to.

You're nullifying one of the major benefits of asynchronous communication if you expect emails and texts to work in the same way as phone calls. You can't expect the rest of the world not to take advantage of the possibilities of new technology just because you can't be bothered to learn to use it properly.

Straycatstrut · 18/12/2019 10:39

Firstly that's verging on quite stalkerish and creepy - YANBU.

Secondly DO NOT meet the guy!!

AlaskaElfForGin · 18/12/2019 10:40

@TeenPlusTwenties I'm also in my 50's so would ring if an emergency. I just think people should try to be considerate of others really.

DDIJ · 18/12/2019 10:40

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Expathk · 18/12/2019 10:42

I know I will get flak for this especially as this is a new account but I actually felt the need to sign up to answer this one. It is a bit premature in my opinion to say either way if this guy is a creep or (just as you described him) enthusiastic. But on the basis of what we have been told so far for so many of you to cite things like "so many red flags" and for you to state that you are "f*ing furious" to have been woken up by a message seems to me to be a bit of an overreaction. I hear over and over on here about how difficult it is to meet someone as a single parent but I really wonder how anyone expects to keep a relationship going without any tolerance whatsoever.

From what I have read so far on threads about dating on here, if a guy doesn't text frequently enough then he is considered to be ghosting and doesn't have the courage to end things or he is a player who is probably too busy with other women but if he does text then he can be considered a creep because he did it at the wrong time.

Yes 4.00 am is early and if you are a light sleeper and having been woken up can't get back to sleep it could be considered annoying but frankly if I had met someone I was interested enough in to give my number to and chat with until 11.00 pm, I'd be flattered to get a good morning text. And if it did upset me then I'd try to be a little more diplomatic about it.

"Hi xxxxx, what time is it where you are and what are you up to? It's really early here so don't be offended if I don't reply for a bit, I'm going to try to get some more sleep. I'll message you back in a bit when I get up and I'm properly awake."

If what he did really bothers you then explain the time difference, say you need to leave your phone on because of DC and your ageing Father but state that you are a light sleeper and a message or call at 7.00 am (or whatever time) would be great to help you wake up as you need to get ready for work, get the kids to school etc.

Everyone says they want to meet 'normal' people, well normal people make mistakes and as several have said he probably expected you to get the message later when you woke up. If you think it is a red flag that he didn't think before pressing send them by all means move on but if we are talking about red flags, someone who gets "f*ing furious" at being woken up by a text would really make me concerned about what I could expect in the relationship if I did anything else wrong.

FWIW, I'm in a relationship with someone who suffers from anxiety, depression, PTSD and BPD so perhaps my tolerance and patience is a little higher than most but showing a little bit of understanding in life can go a long way.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 18/12/2019 10:45

Love bombing conman who claims to be in London, but probably isn’t, so his OTT reaction is likely because he slipped up wishing you good morning when it clearly wasn’t morning at all.

Xenia · 18/12/2019 10:45

I don't think he could have known people would be disturbed. I don't take m mobile upstairs. I have a landljne in the bed room which the family can use for real emergencies (we also have poor mobile signal in this bit of outer London anyway).

PettyContractor · 18/12/2019 10:46

I have my DND set to automatically come on at 11pm and go off at 7am.

I've ticked a box that says anyone in my contacts can still phone me during those times.

I've ticked another box that says a repeated call from a number I don't know will come through the second time. I'd expect people whose job it is to make emergency calls (police, NHS) to know what they need to do to get through. For example, to call with caller-id even if they wouldn't usually. (Not that I feel the need to be contactable, but hypothetically, if I were in the same position as posters who do have such a need.)

GingerRH · 18/12/2019 10:46

@Expathk THIS 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼

supersop60 · 18/12/2019 10:47

Well done Op on kicking him into touch. YANBU to complain about being woken (for something unimportant)
His reaction is definitely U. Normal decent people don't do that.
Lucky escape!

newbingepisodes · 18/12/2019 10:47

A few hours! Christ that's mental!

greenlavender · 18/12/2019 10:53

He sounds weird but the messaging time isn't a problem. Put your phone on silent.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 18/12/2019 10:53

His reply wasn't particularly tolerant though? Saying OP should be grateful he's thinking of her? For a person he has never met that is not normal.

I'd rather be alone than with a narcissist like that.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 18/12/2019 10:55

I must be a Walking Red Flag as even birdsong on a summers morning pisses me off if I don't actually want to be awake yet. I love them again when I'm properly awake though Grin

messolini9 · 18/12/2019 10:57

I think you are just not compatible.

Outstanding ... this guy is not compatible with ANY woman who is wise to his controlling, love bombing, narcissistic shit!

Vulpine · 18/12/2019 11:00

Texting at 4am is weird but font have your phone next to your bed!

ReanimatedSGB · 18/12/2019 11:03

Bin. Creepy fucker.
And lots of people don't have their phones on silent because they need to be contactable in an emergency (either their line of work can lead to them being called in suddenly or there is a family member or close friend at risk of needing to get a message through in the night). And it's even more annoying when you are worrying about something important, your phone pings and, rather than the Big Thing, it's some random bloke waving his cock at you.

vassdal · 18/12/2019 11:04

There's two parts to this.
This bloke is a fucking weirdo and has shown his true colours within a few hours of messaging. It's good that you're going to block him. He is mega trouble.

You can set your phone to be on do not disturb with exceptions for certain numbers eg. your Dad's, your children's or a couple of other family members who are likely to notify you in an emergency. You can also choose whether to allow texts and calls or only calls.
There's no need to be disturbed at night by other people texting and messaging at silly o'clock.

I live in another country and people ring up at 6.30 as people get up earlier here and contacting people at that time is considered acceptable. I'm still asleep then and when I wake up I don't want to be disturbed by constant messages and calls while I am showering and eating breakfast.

The other issue is whether it is rude to send a text because you might wake someone up. I think a lot of people assume you'd have the phone on DND and will see the message when you wake up. I don't send messages in the night because I don't want to risk disturbing someone but really I think the onus is on the recipient to set their phone appropriately.

messolini9 · 18/12/2019 11:06

It is a bit premature in my opinion to say either way if this guy is a creep or (just as you described him) enthusiastic.

It honestly, rationally, patently is not.

Sure - OP was unreasonable in her reaction - it's not the guy's fault she sleeps with her phone switched on & in earshot at 4am.

But the guy ... whew.

@Expathk, can you not see it?
He was actually instructing OP in how she OUGHT to respond to his message.
How she OUGHT to feel.
He demanded "gratitude" for his text (twice!), & an apology for not displaying the correct - according to him - response.

All this despite never having met, & only having messaged each other for a few hours.
Creepy AF.

Lucky escape, OP :)

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