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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that messaging someone at 4am is unreasonable

428 replies

Macaroni46 · 18/12/2019 05:20

So I've started chatting to a guy online. He seems very keen. Lots of flowery language, you're so beautiful etc lol but literally had only been messaging a few hours.
Gets to around 11pm I say I'm going to sleep now. Lots of flowery night nights from him but finally the messages stop.
Fast forward to 4.15am. I'm fast asleep and am abruptly woken by a message on my phone. I panic and think something's up with the DC (early 20s) or my ageing dad who's had some health scares recently.
I reply to the guy saying why are you messaging me at this time, you've woken me up? He replies saying what's my problem and he only wanted to wish me a good morning. (Or words to that effect). He goes on to say I should be grateful and happy he's thinking of me and I should apologise for being short with him (I told him I was not happy about being woken up). Told me in the country he's from a woman would be grateful to be woken up by a lovely message. I told him I didn't think so and that he'd disrespected my boundaries. I won't be continuing the conversation or meeting him as he sounds unhinged!
I'm now wide awake, fuming cos I'm awake and wondering, this isn't normal is it? I'm not unreasonable for being f'ing furious for being woken in the night (he argued that technically its morning) and for feeling creeped out?

OP posts:
Original poster
Macaroni46 · 18/12/2019 18:13

But he claimed to be in London which was one of the reasons I became suspicious at the 4am message because it made me think maybe he wasn't.
I certainly didn't believe him that women in the US would be flattered to be awoken by a gushy text in the early hours.
The more I think about it, the more batshit I think he is. He told me god had sent him to watch over me and that he was a brave warrior protecting his queen.
I told him the best thing he could do was leave me to sleep 😂

OP posts:
Expathk · 18/12/2019 19:03

Well I was willing to give the guy the benefit of the doubt based upon the OP's first post but it would seem his later responses have made it quite clear he doesn't deserve any further consideration.

Nonetheless I still feel showing a bit more consideration for people in general is never a bad thing. I'll agree that using mental health issues as an excuse for acting like a "ct" is disrespectful and inappropriate but none of us are perfect and even if the person acting like a "ct" is wrong, rarely is it better to tell them to "f* off!" than to tell them you understand their frustration but that they are acting inappropriately. But that's just my opinion, you are entitled to your own.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 18/12/2019 19:11

He told me god had sent him to watch over me and that he was a brave warrior protecting his queen

And you carried on talking to him? Really?

FlamingoAndJohn · 18/12/2019 19:13

He told me god had sent him to watch over me and that he was a brave warrior protecting his queen.

Run a mile.
I have no knowledge of OLD (married before it was a thing). Can you ‘review’ him or report him to the site?

Momsgotnice · 18/12/2019 19:20

Just block him and move on. All the nice guys are not gone out there, some of us are back out there due to divorce, however some guys are still out there due to mental illness, so unfortunately you are rolling the dice. Wink

Sunflower20 · 18/12/2019 19:31

He’s definitely weird. But YABU for not having your phone on silent and for replying to him.

Original poster
Macaroni46 · 18/12/2019 19:38

To clarify, I did not reply to him after those really weird messages. He is now deleted and blocked.

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 18/12/2019 19:49

Obviously this guy is best avoided, so block him.

But why is it okay to text people at any hour because it's their fault if they haven't put their phone on silent?

Wouldn't it be more considerate to think about the other person, that they might be asleep in the middle of the night, and possibly not have their phone on silent then hold off and send your message when you''re less likely to disturb them?

Weird sort of entitled attitude that the recipient of the message has to take action to avoid being disturb by someone who insists on their right to send messages to them whenever it suit them.

vassdal · 18/12/2019 19:55

The more I think about it, the more batshit I think he is. He told me god had sent him to watch over me and that he was a brave warrior protecting his queen.
What the absolute fuck??
Lucky escape there.

Vanhi · 18/12/2019 22:05

some of us are back out there due to divorce, however some guys are still out there due to mental illness, so unfortunately you are rolling the dice.

Pardon? I have a mental illness, it doesn't make me undateable. I'm quite happily in a relationship after years of being single. Mental illness isn't a reason to be single or a reason not to date someone.

Fucking hell this attitude pisses me off.

Studlee · 19/12/2019 00:33

And you wonder why you're single?.....chill out for christ aake

managedmis · 19/12/2019 01:14

Why is he awake at 4am?

NameChangedNoImagination · 19/12/2019 01:24

Messaging you at that time... fine, a lot of people do it.

His response... fucking prick. 'Oh god sorry didn't realise. My mistake.' Would have been the only decent reply.

jimmyjammy001 · 19/12/2019 01:27

Who doesn't put their phone on silent when going to bed? Surely if you only want one or two people to contact you in an emergency you would add their numbers into the contact me anytime setting

SexlessBoulderBelly · 19/12/2019 01:40

I have the worst insomnia at the moment and most nights I pray someone is awake to text me 😹

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/12/2019 01:56

Read The Rules (and The New Rules which covers texting etc)

Very out of fashion these days as they were about "catching and marrying" a man. But..... they really do help you set boundaries with men and help you realise when you are falling into the "easy to get" trap. Since I read them I no longer immediately reply to messages or get into long chats or say "right, got to go!" as I used to for fear of looking rude. I set my boundaries and stick to them. The books helped me realise that almost no man worries about what I think of him if he doesnt reply for a few hours or says "Off now, footies on!", so why should I? Funny how men message more when you act just like they do :o

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/12/2019 01:59

or NOT say"right, got to go!"

Sorry, I should say that the point of that was..... you wouldnt have got into a message marathon if you'd set your boundaries and you certainly wouldnt have replied (no matter how pissed off you were) at 4am, you would have just blocked.

Ribrabrob · 19/12/2019 02:56

To be honest you sound a bit dramatic. I think you need to develop a thicker skin if you want to continue online dating.

SarahNade · 19/12/2019 03:06

Turn your phone off at night. I never understand why people complain about messages, if their phone is off they'll see the messages when they turn on their phone the next morning. Surely most people still have a landline for emergency contacts. As far as his behaviour goes, you are right, he is unreasonable. It sounds like he is simply after a wife to get permanent residency. No man should treat a woman the way he did you. You definitely dodged a bullet.

xJodiex · 19/12/2019 03:37

Ugh, who does that?! He sounds like he was checking up on you too! Get rid.

Creepster · 19/12/2019 03:41

7th rule of misogyny: Women should always be grateful to men for everything.
Especially unwanted attention.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/12/2019 05:00

Surely most people still have a landline for emergency contacts

Nope

Even my 70 year old tech hating mother has copped onto the fact that its cheaper and easier to get a "free calls and texts" £6 a month deal than pay BT eye watering amounts to just get spam calls.

PenelopeFlintstone · 19/12/2019 05:05

Calls are synchronous communication - you need the receiver to be present, awake and accept the call. Messages and emails are asynchronous.
I don’t think so anymore. My friends and I text much more than we talk on the phone and the conversations are real time, back and forth.
Calls and texts to my mobile are from local people in the same time zone and should be in sociable hours. I don’t turn these off.
Messenger has notifications turned off as my overseas friends use it.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 19/12/2019 05:43

No one has landlines surely? I am 37, left home in 2003 and have never had one. Always just used my mobile.

Vanhi · 19/12/2019 06:39

Surely most people still have a landline for emergency contacts.

No one has landlines surely?

People use tech in an immense variety of ways. Unless they break it, none of these is necessarily right or wrong, just different from what you do. Given the subject of the thread I would add that it's not wrong unless it impacts negatively on someone else and that impact is fairly predictable. You can predict that someone is likely to be asleep at 4am and shock horror, might have their phone on for whatever reason.

I live in a rural area where wifi signals are problematic. I need a landline. My parents live rurally in another country. Sometimes the landline is the best option for them to use. But my landline is downstairs and I wouldn't get to it in time if it rang during the night, plus scammers use it a lot. My mobile is switched on and by my bed but it does not have a DND mode. It's there for emergency contacts.

All of this is fine, so long as people realise that texting at 4am is antisocial.

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