To think that messaging someone at 4am is unreasonable

[Macaroni46]

So I've started chatting to a guy online. He seems very keen. Lots of flowery language, you're so beautiful etc lol but literally had only been messaging a few hours.
Gets to around 11pm I say I'm going to sleep now. Lots of flowery night nights from him but finally the messages stop.
Fast forward to 4.15am. I'm fast asleep and am abruptly woken by a message on my phone. I panic and think something's up with the DC (early 20s) or my ageing dad who's had some health scares recently.
I reply to the guy saying why are you messaging me at this time, you've woken me up? He replies saying what's my problem and he only wanted to wish me a good morning. (Or words to that effect). He goes on to say I should be grateful and happy he's thinking of me and I should apologise for being short with him (I told him I was not happy about being woken up). Told me in the country he's from a woman would be grateful to be woken up by a lovely message. I told him I didn't think so and that he'd disrespected my boundaries. I won't be continuing the conversation or meeting him as he sounds unhinged!
I'm now wide awake, fuming cos I'm awake and wondering, this isn't normal is it? I'm not unreasonable for being f'ing furious for being woken in the night (he argued that technically its morning) and for feeling creeped out?

I’ve had a few emergency phone calls this year. I wish I hadn’t. You only get them at horrible times, believe me. They usually resulted in an ambulance ride.

I think your initial reaction is strange. I’d have looked at the phone, thought “bloody hell, what a stupid time to text” but I’d have turned over and not replied until the morning, when I’d have told him not to text me during the night. However his reaction is a huge red flag and he’s done you a huge favour showing you his true colours so early. Now you know he expects women to behave like women from his country and not like an equal.

And yes, I sometimes text/message at unearthly hours because I cross several time zones for work (it’s 4.30am here right now). Equally I get texts and messages when I’m away at times when I am trying to sleep but my friends and family are awake. I’m a light sleeper, but I’ve got used to ignoring them and going back to sleep. I put my phone face down so the light doesn’t light up the room.

Love bombing, guilt trips, where I'm from women xyz... Red flags everyfuckingwhere.
Fuck, and I can't stress this enough, NO.

How is -

You should be grateful ....
In my country a woman ...

To a person YOU HAVE NEVER MET a 'cultural issue'?

And if it is then this man is not a great example of that culture.

And as for trying to put a smile on her face, his reaction when she didn't smile is incredibly alarming. What if this was your daughter, would your advice be different?

or put earmuffs on the dog or whatever

Love this @malmi, & the whole post it came from

I should be grateful and happy he's thinking of me and I should apologise for being short with him

Bloody hell are you dating my ex? He would call me in the middle of the night and then sulk and ignore me the entire day if I was sleepy and not sufficiently excited and grateful about whatever he had to tell me. In one memorable occasion the message was that he had bought himself a new ski outfit so I could have his old one. I don't even ski.

Lucky escape!

Sounds like one of these foreign men looking for a passport! Block him and thank you're lucky stars

He sounds like a creep but you should put you phone on do not disturb at night. Messages and emails are like letters. They can come at any time and you read them when you want. If you don't want to be disturbed, set your phone to do it disturb! You can put it on a timer so it will happen automatically every night.

He’ll be giving you a hard luck stories about his family says he loves you & wants to meet you & would love to come to England. He will say that the fares are too expensive that’s when he wants you to send him ££££££££££££’s. Be aware that It’s not always the same person who messages you.

Personally I agree with you. I never send messages to people after 11pm or before 8am incase I wake them. I know people will say you can message people anytime and it's up to them to have their phone set so they're not disturbed but it's just not something I'd do. So yes I'd agree it's a ridiculous time to message anyone

In general I think texting is fine whenever unless otherwise told not to. Like others have said, phones can be set to DND if it's possibly going to bother you. Phone calls, I think should be after 9 am and before 9 pm unless otherwise agreed to or an emergency.

BUT....I don't like the way this guy responded. You just began talking to him and he feels it's appropriate to tell you that you should feel lucky to have his attention? Eff that! A new guy trying to impress or be on best behavior should basically said nothing other than, "Gee I'm so sorry, I am used to texting all hours and forget that sometimes people don't like thst. I'll make sure that I don't do it again." Inmy opinion, any other response is inappropriate.

@AlaskaElfForGin for me if you want to talk to person you call him/her, if you don't want to disturb them and it is not urgent you send a text. You send a text when convenient for you, and the receiver replies when convenient for him/her. It is like an email

I fully understand people may have many reasons not to put their phone on silent but it is very hard to remember who does it and who doesn't, who goes to bed early and who goes late, who actually wakes up from texts and who doesn't (I don't unless it is 5 in a row).

Of course if I know someone specific who tells me he/she is a light sleeper and doesn't want to get messages after certain time, I wouldn't do it (and I wouldn't ask them to put phone on silent cause it is their choice as you say) but my first assumption would be it is ok to send texts at any time unless warned otherwise.
Also nowadays you get texts from all over the world and time difference comes into picture too. We have an extended family whatsapp chat with some people there living in US, others just having children who don't sleep so I and many others muted the notifications from the chat and joked about it but never did we ask not to send messages...
And you don't sound snippy at all, I hope I don't too!

And you don't sound snippy at all, I hope I don't too!

No not at all! 😂 It's interesting to hear different views on things like this actually.

You're nullifying one of the major benefits of asynchronous communication if you expect emails and texts to work in the same way as phone calls. You can't expect the rest of the world not to take advantage of the possibilities of new technology just because you can't be bothered to learn to use it properly.

I find it interesting, if odd, that so many people get dictatorial about how they think tech should be used. My phone is 5+ years old. It does not have a DND setting and its sleep setting does not allow any incoming calls. Although I can get the internet on it I don't have a package that allows this and it's not synchronised to any email account. So I receive texts and calls on it but not emails. I don't live on it the way some people do. My OH's phone is even more old-fashioned and doesn't have a touch screen or the capacity to connect to the internet.

Phones with the capacity to do all these things are not cheap. They are luxuries. I update my phone when the old one breaks, not before. I have my phone in my bedroom at night in case someone contacts me about my OH, a relative or my horse. If the landline went I'd assume it was a scammer. Even if I tried to answer it, by the time I'd got up I might miss it.

There's no right or wrong way to use a phone and you don't know what other people might have in the way of tech anyway. So, until you know them well enough to know their phone probably is on silent, why does your need to text at odd hours trump their need for sleep? Why does everything have to be now? If it's not urgent, don't text between 10pm and 8am unless you know that person is OK with it.

So to update you all..
Point taken several times over about using the DND setting on my phone although I must say that when my dad was rushed to hospital recently both the people who contacted me were not people I would have thought to include as omissions to the DND. In fact, one was a completely new number / person. However, I take on board that the onus is on me, the receiver, to have my phone settings to minimise nighttime disturbances. I don't have a landline to those posters who talked about those.
So, this morning I woke up to a barrage of texts asking me why I hadn't deleted my Online dating account yet and using phrases such as 'I'm just checking up on you'. Bearing in mind we only started messaging yesterday afternoon and hadn't met in person, all very full on.
I have obviously now terminated all contact and blocked the guy.
Despite being an experienced online dater I feel quite shaken. I reread the messages from yesterday and noted that he a) had only just come to the UK but was hoping to settle here and b) was looking for a British wife. No wonder he was piling on the loveliness interspersed with bouts of demands!
Definitely feel I've dodged a bullet there. Disappointed with myself for allowing myself to be taken in, albeit briefly! Onwards and upwards - back to the drawing board 😂

Well done Op.
Hope your dad is ok as well.

If you met him on a dating site report him as he sounds like a scammer. And if he is he will be doing this to other women too.

So, this morning I woke up to a barrage of texts asking me why I hadn't deleted my Online dating account yet and using phrases such as 'I'm just checking up on you'. Bearing in mind we only started messaging yesterday afternoon and hadn't met in person, all very full on.

Waiting for the Incel apologists to come back and say that men can't win.

He sounds dreadful, good riddance to that one.

Christmasgravy is this easy to do.i need to do this but im crap at this type of thing.

Narcissist alert! Avoid at all costs!
Don’t even go there! Block and delete!

Definitely report to the dating site, sounds like a catfishing scammer (and quite possibly a syndicate of scammers). As PP said, next thing would be, I love you but I haven't got the train fare to meet you/my poor old mum needs a hip replacement, my nephew needs a brain transplant, bad guys are after me for someone else's debt, etc...

He said in his country, you should be flattered he texted you what he got up at 4 am.. You should be oh so privalaged to have him text you. Such an honor in his country.
So google images of horses asses. Send him a picture of a horses ass at 3 AM.. Tell him in this country he should feel privileged you have thoughts of him being a horses ass at 3 AM.
Problem solved

What country is he from?

Prevengen he said the US and claimed to be half Norwegian with an Irish grandmother ...

Okay. I'm in the U.S. and generally speaking the men here don't go over board with the flowery talk - most women here would be turned off by it. But the time he called you sounds like it could be here. I'm 8 hours behind you on the west coast and the east coast is 5 hours behind you.