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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can’t do Christmas

127 replies

elesbells · 17/12/2019 18:14

I lost my daughter and only grandchild earlier this year. It was horrific circumstances that I won’t go into.
My dp (not her father) and my two other girls want to carry on as normal this year for them in their memory.

I don’t want to...

I’ve got no energy..I’m tired and I just want to go away somewhere away from here and the memories. I’m having counselling which is helping but I just can’t sit at a dinner table without them.

I know it sounds selfish but I feel like everyone is looking at me to arrange Christmas like I normally do. AIBU to say ‘actually no, I’ll do what I need to do’ or just go on and pretend when I don’t think I can? We haven’t got a tree up and I just don’t feel Christmassy... I can’t face kids opening presents and the whole family visiting or visiting them. I know they are grieving too and trying in their way but the thought of it all just makes my head hurt. I don’t want sympathy, just honest opinions from others who have been through the first Christmas after losing loved ones and what you did? Thank you

OP posts:
Dothedamnthang · 17/12/2019 18:18

I have no words other than YANBU Flowers

notanurse2017 · 17/12/2019 18:20

So sorry for your loss. Do what you need to do to get through Xmas

Ohnoherewego62 · 17/12/2019 18:21

I'm so sorry for your awful tragedy.

If you're not up to it, then dont force it. Do book somewhere for dinner and go out. It definitely sounds like it would be too much for you.

You may be overcome and emotional and this is something you may want to do in private.

Could you offer to go round to theirs just for a coffee to show your face?

Sending you Flowers x million.

Beebumble2 · 17/12/2019 18:22

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. You are not being unreasonable.
Could you go to a retreat, would it help?
I can’t imagine how you feel. I hope you find a way.

reallychristmasaaagain · 17/12/2019 18:23

Yanbu, do what you need to do. Sometimes you just can’t keep up appearances and the weight of expectation to do that can crack things further. Do whatever you can do get through it, Christmas is an awful time of year for missing people. I’m so sorry for your loss.

Waterandlemonjuice · 17/12/2019 18:23

I’m sorry for your loss. You should do whatever you want to do. YANBU.

Sirzy · 17/12/2019 18:24

How old are you other children?

If they are adults then I would tell them this year that you need to do what you need to get through.

Sometimes you have to put self care first

lettersbyowl · 17/12/2019 18:24

Sorry for your loss. 100% do what you need to do Thanks

haverhill · 17/12/2019 18:25

I’m so terribly sorry for your great loss. FlowersFlowers
I don’t think you should do anything you don’t want to do this Christmas. You need to be very very kind to yourself. Do whatever you need to get through.

BlueJava · 17/12/2019 18:25

I'm not surprised you don't feel up to doing anything Christmassy OP, that's totally understandable. I'm so sorry for your loss and if this is your first Christmas I can quite see why you don't want to join in everything, let alone organise it.

Do you have funds to go away and would you want to travel by yourself? Perhaps go somewhere that Christmas isn't everywhere (long haul) or take yourself off on your own for a couple of nights.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 17/12/2019 18:25

I would arrange something after Christmas, maybe a family meal or something.

Just you do whatever you have to, to get through this. You are absolutely entitled to be 'selfish' in order to protect yourself.

The firsts are always the hardest.

I'm so sorry, I'm 21 years down the path of being bereaved parent, and I still cant do Christmas cards without my children's names on them.

kieronsmum · 17/12/2019 18:26

im sorry about your dreadful loss of your daughter and grandchild.
its a hard situation YRNBU and they also not BU.
maybe have this thread to bereavement section

BernardsarenotalwaysSaints · 17/12/2019 18:26

Of course you’re not being unreasonable but neither are they. Their loss isn’t yours & vice versa. Do what you need to this year, let them know you need space during the festivities, both emotionally & physically Flowers

Beccaishere · 17/12/2019 18:27

I’m so sorry to read your post @elesbells. Everyone grieves in their own way you need to do what you feel is best for you.

Take care of yourselfFlowers

manicinsomniac · 17/12/2019 18:27

YANBU. This is a time when your needs come first and your children, while obviously devastated and grieving themselves, need to put you first.

I have been in the opposite position to you. My dad died at Christmas many years ago. I wanted to hide and forget the holiday for a couple of years after that. My mum wanted a huge family Christmas surrounded by all his extended family (No family left on her side, she also lost her brother and mum young).

To her the big Christmas filled a hole. To me it highlighted the hole.

But she was more important. I needed to pull myself together for her sake. Your daughters do too. Loss of a husband trumps loss of a father. Loss of a child trumps loss of a sister.

Your circumstances sound unimaginably painful. Please feel no guilt about doing what you need to get through.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 17/12/2019 18:28

My goodness of course YANBU. I think you should tell them that while they can of course carry on and have a Christmas to remember their sister/aunt you simply can't do that this year.

HanginWithMyGnomies · 17/12/2019 18:29

Oh @elesbells I’m so sorry for your loss. Genuinely, I couldn’t imagine :(

Everyone grieves in their own way and are entitled to do just that. Please just ask your family to respect that whilst they can celebrate how they see fit, you need to be able to do the same.

Just don’t spend it being deeply sad and alone. Try and do something for you! 💐

MrsDilligaf · 17/12/2019 18:30

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Christmas can be a pressure cooker of emotions at the best of times and I can't imagine how it must be for you.

Take as much of the pressure off as possible, and actually it is okay to say "not this year".

Be kind to yourself and I hope that in all the madness of the season you find a moment of peace to remember your DD and DGC with love x

HanginWithMyGnomies · 17/12/2019 18:31

@manicinsomniac bit distasteful there. No loss ‘trumps’ another.

Original poster
elesbells · 17/12/2019 18:33

Thank you all for your kind replies.
My eldest is an adult. My youngest is 13. She’s like any teen that wants her Christmas to be ‘normal’ and I totally get that. It’s her I’m more torn for. She’s suffered so much this year and I feel for her. We’ve been invited to so many people..they’ve all honestly been so kind...but they all have young children and I know I won’t cope with it. My granddaughter would be 4 now and it’ll make me miserable. I don’t want to ruin anyone’s Christmas. I’m just bloody torn.

OP posts:
AlpacaGoodnight · 17/12/2019 18:35

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't think you are unreasonable but I think it really depends on the ages of the other children as to whether you try and 'do' any kind of Christmas or just let them do it themselves. Be kind to yourself Flowers

manicinsomniac · 17/12/2019 18:35

Distasteful was certainly not what I was going for! I'm sorry.
I disagree with you though. Many losses are much bigger than others and sometimes people need to realise that another's needs are greater. This sounds like one of those times.

Sparkletastic · 17/12/2019 18:35

Could you possibly afford to go away with immediate family? A very dear friend lost her husband last year. She and her DD go away for a short break over Christmas. They find it far less painful than recreating the Christmases they had as a family.

Fairylea · 17/12/2019 18:36

I am so sorry for your loss.

I think if your two other girls are adults then you should talk to them and explain how you feel as you’ve done here and let them and your dp take over whilst you do whatever you need to do. It is okay to not be okay and to do whatever you need to do to get through this.

My mum died earlier this year - she was diagnosed with bowel cancer and died 8 weeks later in a most horrible way. I am not coping with it at all well this time of year brings everything home more and it feels like an intense pressure to be happy and focus on the future etc. That’s difficult to do if you’re grieving. I have young children that I have to paint a smile on for but if they were older and more understanding I certainly wouldn’t force myself.

manicinsomniac · 17/12/2019 18:37

Ah, bit different if one of your children is still a child. That's tough. I just assumed asult children, sorry. Could your eldest take her and give her a Christmas day while you take time out?

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