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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can’t do Christmas

127 replies

elesbells · 17/12/2019 18:14

I lost my daughter and only grandchild earlier this year. It was horrific circumstances that I won’t go into.
My dp (not her father) and my two other girls want to carry on as normal this year for them in their memory.

I don’t want to...

I’ve got no energy..I’m tired and I just want to go away somewhere away from here and the memories. I’m having counselling which is helping but I just can’t sit at a dinner table without them.

I know it sounds selfish but I feel like everyone is looking at me to arrange Christmas like I normally do. AIBU to say ‘actually no, I’ll do what I need to do’ or just go on and pretend when I don’t think I can? We haven’t got a tree up and I just don’t feel Christmassy... I can’t face kids opening presents and the whole family visiting or visiting them. I know they are grieving too and trying in their way but the thought of it all just makes my head hurt. I don’t want sympathy, just honest opinions from others who have been through the first Christmas after losing loved ones and what you did? Thank you

OP posts:
JeezyPeeps · 17/12/2019 18:37

I think you need to try to allow Christmas to be special for your 13 year old - but that doesn't mean you have to be there. Could she go to other family members or friends for Christmas, so that she can enjoy it? And you stay home and do what you need to do, for you?

MrOnionsBumperRoller · 17/12/2019 18:37

Nothing useful to add but my love and good wishes Flowers

HanginWithMyGnomies · 17/12/2019 18:37

Honestly @elesbells for the 13 year old, I’d say you need to do something. Don’t have people round, don’t do anything you’d normally do, break tradition completely, but please try and throw together some kind of alternate Christmas for her sake. It’s a lot for her to have gone through and she’s still young.

Oh what an awful lot you have to deal with. I’m so sorry 💐

GoodDogBellaBoo · 17/12/2019 18:40

I have no words, I’m sorry for your loss. StarStar

Fairylea · 17/12/2019 18:41

I’m sorry I think I cross posted with you when you said the youngest is 13. That’s very difficult. As hard as it is I think you do need to do some sort of Christmas for her, even if it’s just you and your girls and dp. You don’t need to go and visit anyone. She will be looking to you to show her that - as horrible and as awful as it sounds- you can get through this as a family.

TabbyMumz · 17/12/2019 18:42

You have to carry on for your 13 year old. If you dont, every Christmas from now on will be tainted for her. You are responsible for her.

madcatladyforever · 17/12/2019 18:42

You are not being unreasonable dear OP. How can you possibly be expected to do Christmas Flowers
After my last bereavement I didn't do Christmas for three years and that wasn't a child of mine it was an elderly relative..
I don't know how old your other children are, are they children or adults?
I think maybe ask other relatives to take them for Christmas so you are free to grieve. I think it's all going to be too much for you otherwise.

GrimDamnFanjo · 17/12/2019 18:42

Simply awful. You have my deepest sympathies.
I would only gently suggest creating a new kind of Xmas for your 13 ye old. One that will have different memories and not allow yourself to be pushed to recreate the previous years .

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 17/12/2019 18:45

Hello OP...I lost my first husband in december...then my darling father a week later so I can tell you what we did if it helps? Having said that its completely different to your situation ..by that I mean that loosing my dh and my father,well they were older..their deaths were kind of the natural order of how it should be if you get my drift? Your losses were the exact opposite to mine...how to begin to bear the loss of your child or grandchild is beyond my comprehension. I am so so dreadfully sorry .Anyway to my point... we faked it. Thats what we did and it hurt like hell. We sat down all of us knowing that life could never be the same again ever but we decided that we owed it to the kids and extended family who too were grieving to try to carry on .Both my dad and dh loved christmas and we felt we owed it to them to continue as they would have wanted us to....it was not easy as all I wanted to do was run away and never face the world again ever.Amid our own grief we forget sometimes the memories of what made our lives so special with our loved ones,its easy to do. I would if I could take a deep breath and do what you can in your daughters memory for the other kids ...They need something to cling on to too and familiar things help with their grieving process. You can do this..i know you can because you are strong.I know you dont feel like you are but you are only because you have to be and maybe because your daughter would demand you to be if she could tell you herself. I would think what would she want you to do and go with that feeling. I am glad we did.Yes it was different ,strange even of course it was going to be but it did serve a purpose.It meant us all being there for each other and being together as we would have been/should have been made it more important. It was a paired down christmas ,,a nice meal and sharing of gifts and playing games..not the raucous occassion it had been previously but we all got through it. The kids were happy at the fact we were all there and they had some semblance of christmas to help them. Of course it is up to you there is no right and wrong answer here but if you can and if you think it is what your daughter would have wanted then you may find some comfort in that. I am so dreadfully sorry for you and your family.Its a loss almost toohard to bear. One step in front of the other and baby steps will get you through. You have a difficult path to tread and life will not ever be the same again but you can make it a good life, a useful life and learn how to bear the sorrow. Your strength is whats getting you through now ..it will sustain you I promise. I hope I have explained clearly ish...and that you understand . I wish you well going forward.Please remember no right or wrong way to do anything..trust yourself.

TheClausSeason · 17/12/2019 18:45

Could you make some new traditions? Mark the day but in a totally different way so that it isn't reminiscent of past Christmases?

Newbie1981 · 17/12/2019 18:46

Whatever you do they will understand. Sending you strength x

CakeandCustard28 · 17/12/2019 18:48

Whatever you do they will understand OP. It is very understandable that you won’t be up for celebrating. I’m so sorry for your losses. Flowers

Butchyrestingface · 17/12/2019 18:49

💐 OP.

I lost my mum very suddenly a few years ago. I went abroad on my own that Christmas, and spent Christmas day lying in bed with my head under the covers. I’m not married and don’t have kids so I didn’t have anyone else to consider. Woke up on Boxing Day feeling much better and actually went out and had a holiday thereafter.

When my sibling died when I was a child, my parents and I went abroad for every Christmas thereafter. My mum said that she wouldn’t have celebrated at all that first year, had it not been for me, but going abroad and being in a familiar yet different setting really helped.

I know it’s too late for you all to go away at this stage, but making something to consider for next year if poss. Smile

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/12/2019 18:51

Is there any way you can go away for a few days over Christmas with your youngest? Something a 4yo wouldn't appreciate. Maybe the 13yo could suggest a trip?

FoamingAtTheUterus · 17/12/2019 18:52

Oh no :( there's no right or wrong way to deal with this. I think you're just going to have to do what's best for you but also allow your other child and partner to celebrate if they want to. Could you book a hotel and take yourself away so you can just ignore it ??

Goodnightjude1 · 17/12/2019 18:54

I am so so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the pain you must feel. Do what YOU need to do. At the risk of sounding heartless....sod everyone else. You need to cope with this in whichever way you feel best to 💐

Original poster
elesbells · 17/12/2019 18:56

Thank you all,
Sally, I’m so sorry for your losses too.Flowers
My sil has suggested just us going to devon (booking an air bnb cottage) . They have no young children so I think that’s going to be the best I can manage. You’re right that we need to be together and my kids need me. I hate feeling like this..it’s like I want the world to stop and wait for me to catch up...i think I’ll let her book it, just go and see what happens. Thank you all. x

OP posts:
Original poster
elesbells · 17/12/2019 18:59

Butch I’m so sorry for your losses too. 💔

OP posts:
Hassled · 17/12/2019 19:00

My only (poor) comparison to your awfulness is the Christmas after the very sudden death of my father - in which we replicated the previous Christmas which he had organised and been a huge happy part of. And it was awful - I really wish I'd lied in bed far far away somewhere with a pillow over my head. So I absolutely understand your reluctance to go through the cheery festive sham when your heart is breaking - and your circumstances are so much worse. I think your 13 year old is old enough to get that this is a different time, that you're just not ready. Don't feel you have to keep it together just to keep everyone else together - if there was ever a time when it's OK to be self-absorbed and just think about what you need, this is it.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 17/12/2019 19:01

I cant even begin to imagine your pain OP, you are incredible just for getting through each day.

Roselilly36 · 17/12/2019 19:01

So sorry for your losses OP Flowers Do whatever you need too, to get through the festive season, it’s a really difficult time for lots of people that have experienced loss.

Xenadog · 17/12/2019 19:04

OP, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I can not imagine how it feels. However, I can give you my Experience of what happened when I lost my mum (unexpectedly) when I was 12 - just before Christmas. I was in shock and didn’t want the same sort of Christmas we’d always had. I didn’t want to miss out on presents and some of the nice parts of Christmas though and I still wanted some semblance of normality so we had a Christmas dinner but there weren’t any decorations or tree.

I think you need to do a bit of the Christmas stuff for your youngest child but only do what you can manage and let others help you if they can.

christmasbow · 17/12/2019 19:05

YANBU. Glad you think you've found a solution. I've done Christmas Day far away. Is the best thing when you need to breath and take a moment to get away from what everyone else thinks Christmas should look like. All the best OP Thanks

Weatherwaxed · 17/12/2019 19:08

You are not being unreasonable at all.
The first Christmas after my son died me and my partner ran away to his parents, as we couldnt cope with being in our house. There were no kids around, it was very low key and it was just about bearable.
We couldn't have gone to my family's for that Christmas as my sister had a young kid.
Your 13 year old complicates things as she needs space to grieve and may want/need a normal Christmas. It must be so hard to care for other children when you have lost another child and grandchild.
The Devon air bnb sounds like a good compromise.
5 years on I have found the firsts the worst. It doesn't get easier as such, or better, it's just different. You carry the grief and their memories in a different way. It's no longer raw all of the time.
My heart goes out to you. Sending love and strength.

category12 · 17/12/2019 19:10

You have to keep going for your youngest. I can't imagine how awful this is for you, but your 13yr old needs you and deserves a Christmas.

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