I can’t do Christmas

[elesbells]

I lost my daughter and only grandchild earlier this year. It was horrific circumstances that I won’t go into.
My dp (not her father) and my two other girls want to carry on as normal this year for them in their memory.

I don’t want to...

I’ve got no energy..I’m tired and I just want to go away somewhere away from here and the memories. I’m having counselling which is helping but I just can’t sit at a dinner table without them.

I know it sounds selfish but I feel like everyone is looking at me to arrange Christmas like I normally do. AIBU to say ‘actually no, I’ll do what I need to do’ or just go on and pretend when I don’t think I can? We haven’t got a tree up and I just don’t feel Christmassy... I can’t face kids opening presents and the whole family visiting or visiting them. I know they are grieving too and trying in their way but the thought of it all just makes my head hurt. I don’t want sympathy, just honest opinions from others who have been through the first Christmas after losing loved ones and what you did? Thank you

@HanginWithMyGnomies agree no loss trumps another. But losing a child has got to be the worst.

So sorry for your loss op. I think you need to do what you want to do. Maybe go out for dinner? Or if not just stay at home and get dp to make you food x

you poor darling. @elesbells you do whatever you need to do to get Yourself through. There are no rules, shoulds, ought toos, must dos where grief is concerned.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I really think that you need to talk to your family and tell them exactly how you feel.
There’s no point in just ‘going through the motions’ as it helps no one.

With good wishes to you.

I didn't mean to be crass at all. I'm sorry. To me it's true and the right way to try and prioritise and work out how to treat people and respond. I need those kind of social rules and hierarchies. They worked for me and I thought they were commonly accepted. Apologies for the offence caused. I was not trying to upset the OP or anyone else. Quite the opposite. I was trying to be supportive. Sorry.

I truly hope you find some peace this Christmas and a way to make things nice for your youngest DD. I cannot imagine the pain you must be in.

Hopefully, being surrounded by loved ones, away from home, will be easier to bear. Devon is so beautiful, maybe you'll be able to escape for a walk if you need some time alone.

So sorry for your losses - be kind to yourself

The cottage plan sounds very good.

My heart goes out to you. It is SO hard to be so needed and have to carry on for the children (though of course you love them so very much).

My DH died on 15 Dec 2016 - I’d been caring for him at home and I was absolutely exhausted. Somehow I pulled off holding his funeral on 22 Dec and, with the help of family, managed to give my 7 and 5 year olds a good Christmas.

You’ll do this because you have to. Lean on your sister in law and other loved ones. You are likely running on adrenalin and ever so tired

I really wish you didn’t have to bear this, and I am sending you a big hug.

I’m so sorry for your loss @elesbells and everyone else grieving

Do what you need to do. Don’t force it.

The cottage sounds like an excellent idea, i hope all goes as well as it can at Christmas, bless you.

So many sad stories on this thread,I really empathise having lost my husband suddenly in July.

for everyone.

I just want to extend my deepest sympathies. I think you’re doing the right thing by going away. When you’re dealing with a ‘first’ it’s easier to do it in a totally different environment, where you aren’t constantly reminded of your loss. It will be difficult this year, and next, and probably for a long time after that, but I hope you are able to find pinpricks of light that over time grow in brightness and warmth, until you can find the joy in your life again.

My mom died very suddenly when I was 19, so my dad and I planned a trip abroad. It was the first time I visited the U.K., though I live here now, and we were in Edinburgh. We didn’t realise that most places would be closed, as there are many more places open in America, and we ended up eating Chinese food in our hotel room while watching The Great Escape. I spilled noodles all over the bed and cried a lot. It was a terrible day, but it was a long time ago now.

I can't imagine what you have all been through. The first Christmas without my husband was helped by the fact that he'd always loved Christmas, so following all our little family traditions and doing it for him, actually comforted us. But I was lucky that all three of us (me and my only just adult daughters) all felt the same. It's infinitely harder for you.

I'm glad your SIL is there for you, and had this idea of the change of environment.

Don’t bother responding to Queenofthree. She’s posted this exact text of a few threads to be bothersome.

Queenofthree trolling a bereaved parent with your fake 'holiday joy' is fucking disgusting. You're probably some middle aged man who still gets pocket money from his mum for doing chores while you live in her spare room, no job, no social life, and nobody who cares about you, so you post shit like this online to get a reaction and feel important. Go fuck yourself.

Please mind yourself. Christmas is a day only. My father died on Christmas Eve my babies first and we did it for the children’s sake. It was just a normal day with loads of help and it passed. Please yourself and go with the flow it is only one day of your grieving it too will pass. My thoughts are with you.

and sympathy and good wishes, elesbells, to you and your family.

Devon is a good plan. Your grief goes with you, of course it does, but 'different' might make it that bit more endurable.

💐 we lost my dad very suddenly at Christmas, the first year I went into auto pilot for my children, some Of the family coped better than others it’s very hard
Sending love and hugs to
You x do what ever you need to get through

Can your 13 year old spend Xmas day with other people so she doesn’t miss out on Xmas? Just make sure she knows the reason is because you can’t face Xmas but don’t want that to stop her from celebrating it. My husband died 4 days before Xmas so I understand some of what you’re going through. Just try to explain to others how you feel. They may not understand - I still 16 years on sometimes feel like shouting at people “what part of my husband died 4 days before Xmas do you not understand!” when people insist that I shouldn’t let it “ruin Xmas”. My daughter was 11 and I did keep to some of the traditional Xmas things for her sake but had to draw the line at some things which I explained to her and I think she understood. Don’t feel pressured into doing things you can’t cope with because your family need you to look after yourself so you can be there for them the rest of the year too. At the end of the day Xmas is just a social construct and we don’t all have to buy into it if we don’t want to. Sending you hugs and the strength to get through this.

OP, this happened to us when my Dad and sister died. I was a teenager and my mother just refused to do normal Christmas, and actually we never did normal Christmas again! Because her new way is better, and now the new way is normal for my kids.

So, what she did was we all had to leave the house and go somewhere - each year to a different place - and instead of cooking, she ordered a big plate of seafood and other stuff. Just do what you want. Remember, your daughters love you, they will adjust.

Oh sorry. Should have read the whole thread first. Best wishes, OP.

Op, I can't imagine the searing pain you must be feeling, and the dread of a what is looming as a day of festive cheer that you simply can't face.

The Devin air b&b with your sister sounds like a really good idea: your 13 year old will have extended family who can provide some sort of Christmas day, and you can step away, go for a walk on your own, take to your bed, let your sister look after the Christmas part of the day, be in agreement that your sister will look after your 13 year old and that you will drift in and out as you wish so you can try to cope with the day however you need.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter and granddaughter

Op I can only begin to comprehend the pain you are feeling and I'm so so sorry for this horrendous loss. When my son was killed some years ago, that first Christmas, we decided to mark the day with a Christmas we'd never had before. It was kept very low key, I didn't put up a tree or decorations but my daughter and I invited my immediate family for lunch, those who had known and loved my son but didn't usually join us for Christmas lunch. We had a nice meal but no crackers or silly hats, we raised a glass to my DS and we just got through the day. We are Christian so wanted to celebrate the birth of Christ but didn't want all the usual jolly's. It was actually really OK, we were all in pain but we were together and didn't feel forced to be jolly. If we weren't Christian I do think we would have forgotten the whole day. I wash you well with whatever you decide to do. For me I have never tried to replicate the Christmas's of years gone and have done something different each year. Time will make your loss less raw I promise you, however imo it helped to do things differently from that day on.

Nothing to add other than I'm so very, very sorry for your horrific loss there really are no words.

YANBU to do whatever you need to do to get through.