Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can’t do Christmas

127 replies

elesbells · 17/12/2019 18:14

I lost my daughter and only grandchild earlier this year. It was horrific circumstances that I won’t go into.
My dp (not her father) and my two other girls want to carry on as normal this year for them in their memory.

I don’t want to...

I’ve got no energy..I’m tired and I just want to go away somewhere away from here and the memories. I’m having counselling which is helping but I just can’t sit at a dinner table without them.

I know it sounds selfish but I feel like everyone is looking at me to arrange Christmas like I normally do. AIBU to say ‘actually no, I’ll do what I need to do’ or just go on and pretend when I don’t think I can? We haven’t got a tree up and I just don’t feel Christmassy... I can’t face kids opening presents and the whole family visiting or visiting them. I know they are grieving too and trying in their way but the thought of it all just makes my head hurt. I don’t want sympathy, just honest opinions from others who have been through the first Christmas after losing loved ones and what you did? Thank you

OP posts:
WingingItSince1973 · 17/12/2019 19:58

Just seen you are going to Devon. Sounds like the best thing for you plus your 13 year old will still get spoilt by your family (if that makes sense) and you'll be together but in a totally different surroundings ❤

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 17/12/2019 20:02

So so sorry for your loss.

The first year my husband died I worked through Christmas Day then caught an early flight on Boxing Day to Goa and spent the rest of the holiday crying in my room because I hadn't managed the escape that I wanted.

It took many years to find peace with Christmas, Easter, the big and the small dates that meant something to us.

You don't get over death, but eventually you get used to the missing pieces in your new life. Eventually you will find that getting through the day becomes a bit easier and a new Christmas will seem ok. But not now, not this year. It's too soon and, with the greatest respect to your family, you are entitled to your grief and to get through this time your way - just as they are entitled to do it theirs.

Look after yourself and when days seem too long to get through, just concentrate on getting through one hour at a time.

olivertwistwantsmore · 17/12/2019 20:05

Flowers, op. I'm so sorry for your losses.

I can just advise that you tell your dh that you will be really struggling this Christmas and ask him to look after you - make sure you have space if you need it, he can take on cooking, present wrapping, the 'work'of Xmas, take the dc out on Xmas outings if you really feel you can't. Is he supportive?

Going away is a good idea too - somewhere with no memories.

I feel for you.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 17/12/2019 20:05

I buried my baby daughter two weeks before Christmas, 13 years ago. I'm not going to pretend that I know how you feel, but I can still feel the physical pain of losing my child and it's a loss beyond all words.

On Christmas Day, we made a sort of quiet oasis and it felt like a day outside of the ripping, searing pain. It was still desperately sad, but we loved the closeness with our other children and the hope of Christmas. We couldn't face a full-on roast either, so we had fish and chips- it was bloody lovely! Be gentle with yourself and concentrate on each small thing in turn and you will get through it. That first Christmas, I wish that someone had told me that I would feel joy again, because I genuinely believed that I wouldn't. It's a long, hard road, but after 2-ish years I began to feel "normal" and now it's a rare day when I can't cope at all. Your grief is normal and healthy and your loved ones deserve to be missed, just give yourself time and don't expect too much from yourself.

However. Whoever wrote this;

Loss of a husband trumps loss of a father. Loss of a child trumps loss of a sister.

is a person without a soul. There is no hierarchy of suffering. Fuck of with your judgement about who is allowed to be the most upset, of whose grief is worse.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 17/12/2019 20:06

Loss of a husband trumps loss of a father. Loss of a child trumps loss of a sister.

No, please don't do this. Please don't try and put grief in a hierarchy. People can react to different losses in very different ways and that can't always be predicted.

catwithnohat · 17/12/2019 20:08

So sorry for your loss Flowers

However life is for the living and your 13 is still with you and deserves some consideration from you.

All best wishes for the future.

Chinainmyhand · 17/12/2019 20:11

I've not rtft but I've been almost where you are (I lost my child but not my grandchild) I couldn't do the first Christmas. We had jacket potato and beans. You have to do what gets you through.

Lollypop701 · 17/12/2019 20:15

My heartfelt sympathies op.
Can your eldest daughter and dp take Younger Dd to other family and let you have the day to yourself? Then plan something Boxing Day? Or go away somewhere all together... It’s not going to be ok this year, maybe something very different to what you’d usually do, but Christmasy enough for 13yo?

cakeandchampagne · 17/12/2019 20:16

Flowers I am so sorry about your daughter and grandchild.

YANBU to choose exactly how to spend your time at Christmas.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 17/12/2019 20:19

Just seen your post about the Devon plan. That sounds like it will be lovely for you all. This is just a Christmas to get through together.

NaviSprite · 17/12/2019 20:19

Completely different but I lost my third child this year and buried him in May, I have been feeling sick to the stomach at the thought of Christmas since then, my other DC are 2yo so I've done a bit of decorating, but DH and I have told all other family that it's just going to be us this year, we don't want a huge to-do because we know that on the day, when my twins have gone to bed for the night, we will be broken by the absence of our little baby.

Do what you can, put yourself first as much as you can, I'm so sorry for your losses, words cannot express how sorry I am and I wish you any small amounts of peace you can find in the future Flowers

Butchyrestingface · 17/12/2019 20:23

However. Whoever wrote this;

Loss of a husband trumps loss of a father. Loss of a child trumps loss of a sister.

is a person without a soul. There is no hierarchy of suffering. Fuck of with your judgement about who is allowed to be the most upset, of whose grief is worse

I don’t agree with @manicinsomniac’s statement, however, she was referring to her own bereavement and how she rationalised and responded to the situation that she was in, not commenting on other people.

scubadive · 17/12/2019 20:28

I’m sorry but you need to be there for the rest of your family. Especially your 13 year old. It will be a very difficult xmas for her too and if you shut yourself off from it, it will be traumatic for her.

This Xmas will be the worst but you will get through it, you can go off and have a cry but you need to focus on the family you still have.

Put your tree up with your 13 year old and decorate the house, order a turkey. Do a shop at the weekend and ask for help from DP and your eldest to cook the Xmas dinner so it’s not all on you.

Once children are 15 they spend less and less time with their parents, this year and next may be the last two your youngest wants to decorate a tree with you, and spend time engaging with you. Make the most of the time you have with her before she grows up otherwise you will regret it.

scubadive · 17/12/2019 20:31

Oh sorry just seen the post re Devon, glad you are going. Please try and enjoy time with your 13 year old and please still buy a tree and put some lights up. Xx

ForalltheSaints · 17/12/2019 20:32

The first two years after my dad died I did not go to my parent's house for Christmas, my mum came to me. My dad had never stayed where I live now, and so there was no imagining him sitting there, or having breakfast or indeed any other meal.

In a way we were fortunate that this was a choice we could make. We were able to go for a walk both on Christmas Day and Boxing Day to places my mum had never been to. Church was a different one too.

Scotmummy1216 · 17/12/2019 20:36

So sorry for your loss. Your not being unreasonable at all, do what you need to do to get through this difficult time. Im sure your family will understand. Take care.

Tombliwho · 17/12/2019 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Butterflycookie · 17/12/2019 20:39

You don’t need to do Christmas if you don’t want to. As my young cousin died very unexpectedly this year we are not doing christmas either. I’m usually excited for Christmas but not this year. Not even that fussed about it. Not having a tree or decorations. But in our culture festivals are not celebrated the first year of a relatives death. Can’t see the point in celebrating anyway as that person who died is never going to be able to celebrate anything ever again Sad and they’ll not be here to celebrate with you either.

bridgetreilly · 17/12/2019 20:40

The cottage sounds like the best plan, OP, I'm glad you've got that sorted.

I think you all need to be prepared for this not to be a normal Christmas. It's okay for you to grieve and be sad and say so in front of the others. They will all be grieving too, and may need to be given permission to admit that. And then talk about your beautiful daughter and granddaughter together. And try to find some happy memories and have some good moments as well.

Tillymintsmama · 17/12/2019 20:41

you do whatever you need to do to get through this time. I am so sorry for your dreadful losses xxx Flowers

Atalune · 17/12/2019 20:45

I think the cottage sounds like a very lovely idea.

You can escape for some brisk walks and some time away. Let your SiL be the extra festive one.

Time heals. It’s true. It will ALWAYS hurt and forever be a pain and loss. But time will lessen the pain some and you’ll forge a new way to be.

My mum lost my sister when she was 3. And it pained her every day. But she was still a super mum to me. The sibling left behind.

Sending you so much love.

Sweetbabycheezits · 17/12/2019 20:48

elesbells I am so sorry to read your heartbreaking post. I think your sil has a really lovely solution...you will have a change of scenery, and be with people who care about you and your 13 year old DD. Some new traditions won't fix things, but you might be able to get through the day peacefully. Take care of yourself, OP.💐

BellatrixLestat · 17/12/2019 20:50

YANBU.

I'm so sorry Thanks

HuntingCuns · 17/12/2019 21:06

Elesbells, I can't begin to imagine what you are going through.

I do know that if one of my DC died, in whatever circumstances, I would want to die too. I would even feel slightly angry with the others for not giving me the option of suicide, just by existing and meaning that I have to remain here.

You obviously have to carry on because you have other DC, and especially because one is still dependent. Your SIL's offer sounds like the best of all bad solutions, and I would also be accepting in your situation.

I had a message today from a friend whose brother died in an horrendous way 35 years ago, at the age of 19, when she was 13. She has gone on to have a full and happy life, but still feels the loss, especially at Christmas. And he was her brother, not her child.

I know you have no choice but to carry on, but I am still in awe of you for managing to do so.

AdoptedBumpkin · 17/12/2019 21:17

Sorry for your loss. Flowers

Swipe left for the next trending thread