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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can’t do Christmas

127 replies

elesbells · 17/12/2019 18:14

I lost my daughter and only grandchild earlier this year. It was horrific circumstances that I won’t go into.
My dp (not her father) and my two other girls want to carry on as normal this year for them in their memory.

I don’t want to...

I’ve got no energy..I’m tired and I just want to go away somewhere away from here and the memories. I’m having counselling which is helping but I just can’t sit at a dinner table without them.

I know it sounds selfish but I feel like everyone is looking at me to arrange Christmas like I normally do. AIBU to say ‘actually no, I’ll do what I need to do’ or just go on and pretend when I don’t think I can? We haven’t got a tree up and I just don’t feel Christmassy... I can’t face kids opening presents and the whole family visiting or visiting them. I know they are grieving too and trying in their way but the thought of it all just makes my head hurt. I don’t want sympathy, just honest opinions from others who have been through the first Christmas after losing loved ones and what you did? Thank you

OP posts:
NCasIknowMNetters · 17/12/2019 19:12

I'm so sorry for your loss. Of course nothing at this point will come under any kind of normal label.

But for the 13 year old, who is still a minor you need for 'something' to be this first Xmas. Maybe you need to sit down with her and say 'I can't do pretend normal. I need to grieve for this year, as I'm sure you do. What should we do, together, that will mark this as different and still be together as a unit.'

Maybe the meal is needed. Maybe presents. Maybe you need to find something to signify the loss you have experienced, while still acknowledging the future ahead.

For the DDs and I we write goodbye to the year and burn it safely on NYE to signify the start of each year. Five to midnight by woodburner or candle (near the sink on a non-flammable surface).

Whatever you need. Work with your own needs.

Florabelle · 17/12/2019 19:13

First year after a loss, which was actually only a month before, we did all get together for Christmas. Wasn't feeling it. We all cried then that sort of helped and rest of day was nice. Reminiscing, laughing and surprisingly ok. But do whatever works for you. It's just another day really xx

Disfordarkchocolate · 17/12/2019 19:14

I'm very sorry for your loss. While I don't think this can be a fun Christmas for you are there somethings that your daughter loved that it would be good to do so you can remember the good times with her instead of the pain of the last year?

I think when we have young children in some ways we have to keep going and do what we can to keep some normality. Just don't think you have to do it all. Sit everyone down and decide what you can and can't do. Is there a special place you had fun with your granddaughter you could all visit on Boxing Day? I worry that after such a loss a day on your own wouldn't heal you but would leave you in despair.

hiphiphoorayback · 17/12/2019 19:14

I am so sorry for your loss OP. I would try to keep going for your younger DD. It is alright to be upset and you should take support from other family.

LovePoppy · 17/12/2019 19:16

I’m so sorry for your loss

Knowing however that you have a 13-year-old at home, I would do the best of what you can do for them.

13 is such a hard age, and I could easily see how somebody that age might internalize you not doing Christmas equaling them not being worth it for you.

You don’t have to do everything you would have normally done, but I would l try to make it special for them.

LadyAllegraImelda · 17/12/2019 19:17

Oh god my heart really does go out to you Flowers You do what you need to do to get through it. Your Devon idea sounds good or is there an option for the 13yr old to spend the day with other family? would you cope with that or would it make it worse? Can you sty at the Devon air bnb if you want to back out at the last minute but let the 13yr old go with the friends/family?

Sending you love, light and strength xxx

LovePoppy · 17/12/2019 19:18

I think maybe ask other relatives to take them for Christmas so you are free to grieve. I think it's all going to be too much for you otherwise.

Please don’t ship your daughter off. She’s gone through enough already, and so have you. I’m not sure that most relationships could handle that and recover.

Span1elsRock · 17/12/2019 19:20

Book a hotel or holiday cottage so it's not a familiar environment. That helped me massively.

And don't take decorations etc.... make Christmas day special with a nice meal and gifts, but don't push yourself to do more.

You're grieving - do what you feel comfortable with. It's a long and arduous journey. Take good care of yourself Flowers

LadyAllegraImelda · 17/12/2019 19:22

Would you feel able to do some sort of memorial/ remembrance / acknowledgement at some point in the day, even just a walk or toast, or talk about their best or funny points or just something that feels right where you and whoever else is there takes a little time out to think of them xxx
Flowers
I will be thinking of you xx

ParkheadParadise · 17/12/2019 19:26

Sorry for your loss @elesbells
I have also lost a Dd in tragic and upsetting circumstances.
The first Christmas was just awful. I lost Dd1 in October and gave birth to Dd2 in December. We didn't celebrate or have any decoration up BUT I didn't have an older child to think about.
It's 4yrs since we lost Dd1. Dd2 is 4 and getting excited about Santa. I still find Christmas hard but I put on a happy face for her.
It's something you never really get over, I've completely changed as a person.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do over Christmas.

Honeyroar · 17/12/2019 19:29

I’m so sorry for your loss. I think your sister in law’s plan is a good one. Go somewhere different, let her take over a bit. Do different things. Go for walks on the beaches or in the hills. Have a different, more sedate Xmas, but still mark it for your youngest. It doesn’t mean you’re glossing over what happened, it just means you’re trying to hold it together for your daughter. I’m sure she knows, but tell your sil you’re struggling with it all and let her take the strain a bit. Best wishes to you.

LemonPrism · 17/12/2019 19:29

If DH thinks it's important for the other girls then he is just as capable of doing it all for them as you were. You need time and space.

Yetanotherwinter · 17/12/2019 19:30

@manicinsomniac how incredibly crass of you. Did you really just say loss of a husband trumps loss of a father and loss of a child trumps loss of a sister. How the heck do you quantify that some losses are bigger than others. This isn’t a mathematical problem. It’s peoples’ feelings.
OP I’m so sorry for your loss and you are going through. I think you have to be kind to yourself as well as other members of your family. Everyone deals in different ways.

Danni12 · 17/12/2019 19:34

YANBU, take each day as it comes and do whatever you need in that moment, that equally applies to Christmas Day xx

Griefmonster · 17/12/2019 19:36

We are preparing for our first Christmas after the sudden, traumatic death of my DSis. We have all (DM, BIL, wider family) agreed to do kind of the same but different - so same people but toned down and recognising the loss. This was after a difficult conversation where some family were determined for it to be exactly the same and others (me included) couldn't bear the thought. But there are young children (mine and my DNs) so we have to do something. Otherwise I would be taking to my bed.

I think allowing your SIL to arrange something is perfect. Your DD needs attention but that doesn't need to all come from you. You need to pull in all the help you can get to provide that for her. No expectations of fully home-cooked perfection. Being together, sharing food and small gifts and stories (if not too painful) is all that needs to happen. And you being able to dip in and out without much notice. And non-negotiable alone time for you on boxing day. Huge love for you and your family. And for everyone facing a first Christmas without their loved one x

AlaskaElfForGin · 17/12/2019 19:41

Loss of a husband trumps loss of a father. Loss of a child trumps loss of a sister.

This is absolutely not the thread for that kind of comment. Hmm

OP, I'm so sorry. I really think you need to do what will get you through. Your DH may have to take over the responsibility of making your DCs 'normal'. You need time I think.

Original poster
elesbells · 17/12/2019 19:42

@ParkheadParadise
I am so sorry for the loss of your child...I can honestly say it’s a miracle we get up every day. My heart is truly with you 💔. I’ve lost relatives before and it’s been painful...but it’s ‘in expected’ order so to speak...this has been something else that I can’t explain. Our lives have just imploded.

I’ve just took the bull by the horns and called my sil. She is going to book the cottage. She is Italian and makes the best lasagne in the world. It’s my 13yo’s favourite so she said she will do dinner so no traditional roast. I just hope I don’t ruin their day. I will try not to. Deep breaths I guess. Thank you all so much.

OP posts:
neverornow · 17/12/2019 19:44

I'm so terribly sorry.

I think you should do whatever suits you.

Could you go away somewhere for a few days? See if you can get a last minute deal on a winter Sun holiday?

Or have Christmas dinner at a hotel? Bigger hotels do packages for dinner & drink. Get you out of the house?

Bluerussian · 17/12/2019 19:47

notanurse2017 Tue 17-Dec-19 18:20:22
So sorry for your loss. Do what you need to do to get through Xmas
.....
What notanurse said.
I am so, so sorry for your loss.

Your other girls don't mean to be insensitive, they probably want to do Christmas as their sibling and niece would have wanted and will no doubt the adult one will raise a glass to them but there's no reason for you to be pressured into joining them if you're not up to it.

The thirteen year old will of course want a normal sort of Christmas. What do you have in mind for her and what does your husband feel about it all? Would he take you away somewhere for a couple of nights (if you can find a vacancy), and leave your children to do their own thing?

My goodness I do feel for you and am so sorry.

HappyInL0nd0n · 17/12/2019 19:48

I'm so sorry. So very sorry.

My family suffered a horrendous loss at Christmas time. The first year afterwards was a hideous, minimal effort, let's get through this affair. Everyone was grieving, angry, sad. That Christmas was just a fucking shitshow that highlighted all we were missing.

The year after was better.

The year after that, we felt like celebrating a little.

The year after that, a bit more.

I'm actually looking forward to it this year. It still feels raw and achey - and it won't ever be what it was before because some grief is just too big - but there are reasons to celebrate too. New additions to the family, new jobs, new achievements, good health.

Anyway, do what you need to in order to get through and know in your bones that no one can or should guilt you into a celebration when you're not there.

I really am so sorry. Your daughter and granddaughter? Fucking hell. Life is such a bitter bitch sometimes, and sometimes it's just your family's turn to eat it. I wish it wasn't that way.

Love and best wishes to you. You'll be in my prayers - even if it's not your thing.

xxx

CatEnabler · 17/12/2019 19:50

@elesbells you've done the right thing. This way, you can escape for a walk when things get too much and everyone else can be looked after by your SIL. I can't imagine what you're going through, but remember time will make things slightly easier as the years go by. Please ring Samaritans on the day or whenever you need to, they'll help you navigate any emotions when they occur xxx

Original poster
elesbells · 17/12/2019 19:53

@Griefmonster
I am so sorry. Love to you and your family 💔

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 17/12/2019 19:53

So sorry for your loss, I can’t begin to imagine what it’s like to lose a child.

When I was 18 i lost my Aunt on Christmas Day. She had cancer so we knew we were going to lose her. She loved Christmas and she made it very clear that she wanted the family to continue to enjoy Christmas when she was gone. She loved Christmas so much that she held on until late Christmas Day to leave us.

I know it must be hard to try and continue when you have lost 2 people who you loved so much but I know if I was to pass I would want my family to enjoy Christmas without feeling sad or guilty that I was no longer there to enjoy it with them. I would want them to remember the fun times we had together on previous Christmas’s but to continue to make new memories.

Be gentle with yourself, do what you need to do to get through it xx

WingingItSince1973 · 17/12/2019 19:53

As a nanny to a 4 year old grandson I am so so so truly sorry for your loss. I doubt anyone can truly understand the loss of a child plus a grandchild unless they have been there. Could you and your daughter go somewhere totally different for the holidays? Get away. Maybe somewhere peaceful and spend quality time together. I doubt anything will really make it easier though. Love and gentle hugs to you. Xxxxxxx

RB68 · 17/12/2019 19:58

Ok I think the issue here is you have a thirteen year old daughter who needs you, you are the adult and are going to have to keep some things to the "norm" for her. Its cliche but would your older daughter have wanted you to cancel Christmas for her sister? It is raw grief talking but maybe this year start some new traditions. If you don't want a tree but let your DD have her own in her room and go mad with the lights and decorations with your DP and her doing it, she then has her tree, but in the main house maybe only a few things around to lift it to seasonal rather than Christmas.

Not tragic in any way but we lost Mum a month ago. We thought she would be with us longer but it wasn't to be - there are 6 of us and we re all handling differently, one sister is so out if it she isn't even buying for nephews and nieces who we are all going away with - she has decided to pay for an activity where we will be as she can't face shops and people. We will all be glad to be together, we will cry we will have fun and the kids will entertain us. But we expected her death at some point and there were no awful circumstances or shock that goes with it - everyone deals with death differently, at a different rate and evryones journey is different but we can't really expect everyone else to slot in with what we are suffering and sometimes we need to parent remaining children and be there for them albeit in a limited way. I would have a quiet reflective day this year, let DD3 go to family for a bit for some fun and deal with things as they come