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Original poster

Am I damaging DP's career?

130 replies

Wintercoats · 17/12/2019 17:18

DP has been working a job for the past 4 years, he works as a graphics designer for a small company, around an hour away. He's on less than 25k, works full-time, degree in graphic design. It costs him £250+ a month petrol to commute there, he works full on hours (leaves at 7:30 home at 8pm), and doesn't get paid any more for the hours he works.

They avoid giving him any kind of pay rise (eg last time invited him for an appraisal, asked him what he wanted to earn, he told them and then they said 'oh yes, we will definitely give you that in a years time', and he walked out empty handed...Again.)

They constantly ask him to stay late (his working hours are supposed to be 9-5 but there is a clause in contract so they can abuse this)

They can't retain ANY staff (every person hired in last 4 years has quit, minus DP and one other admin staff) so now they only hire free lance and bank staff.

They treat him awfully but then they flip it and make comments like ' we are only doing this because we know how good you are', 'we are only this harsh because we see such potential'

They always string him along with promises of promotion, shares on business, better pay.

So... I feel as if he is in an abusive relationship with his work and it's really getting me down. I'm so k of being home alone all night, with all responsibility falling on me. We are moving into our flat tomorrow, and DP is working, it's me taking time off AGAIN. He has now been asked to work Sunday/Monday/Christmas Eve while his boss goes on holiday. It's pushed me to breaking point and I am done. I feel so alone. Every time I try and talk to him he says I'm damaging his career, I'm being a nag, they're going to fire him if I kick up a fuss, I'm adding to his stress, this is not uncommon lots of work places are like this and I'm just being dramatic.... It goes on....

I need your advice and opinions, am I damaging his career by asking him to think about a new job, am I being unfair to say I can't stay in a relationship with this man if it goes on like this? I would like to ttc in the next year and there is no way I'm raising a child alone.

OP posts:
bengalcat · 17/12/2019 17:20

I agree he needs to move on . Th clue is not only their attitude but the fact they can’t retain staff .

Waterandlemonjuice · 17/12/2019 17:21

He needs to move jobs asap

AryaStarkWolf · 17/12/2019 17:23

YANBU, if it's affecting your life that much now when you don't even have kids, it will only get a million times worse and harder for you when you do. Don't have kids with a man who won't make time to do his share

SandyY2K · 17/12/2019 17:23

He needs to look for a better job. Has he not cordoned on to the reason they can't retain staff?

They are taking advantage because they can see your DH isn't able to stand up to them and for some reason they know he won't leave the company like the others?

YANBU

SandyY2K · 17/12/2019 17:26

Did he initially have time off to move? Why can't he say he's moving house and can't work?

I can't see that he has much of a career to ruin tbh.

I would be done too with a man like this.

Original poster
Wintercoats · 17/12/2019 17:27

I'm not even sure what I can say to him. I can't make him change his mind, and he truly thinks this is normal.
I've had training on working with women and men who have suffered domestic abuse and honestly, it's totally his rhetoric.
'it will get better, it's just a bad spell', 'they only do it because they know I'm better than that', 'i bring it on myself, I'm not good enough to find another job'. He is like a broken man, to the one I knew before he got this job, it's been the downfall of him.

And I mean no offense or disrespect when I say I don't think it's even a well paid job, to be under this level of pressure.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wintercoats · 17/12/2019 17:29

@SandyY2K No he didn't take time off to pack either, he finally agreed to leave ONE HOUR earlier to come and help me, and that caused mayhem.

OP posts:
Palavah · 17/12/2019 17:30

YANBU and the parallels are there with abusive relationships, you're quite right. Is he worried that he won't be able to get a job elsewhere?

Acidburn · 17/12/2019 17:32

I am a fashion designer, my reality is the same. Unfortunately in this industry no one pays for extra hours. What is not normal is to stay there on those conditions for longer than a couple of years. He needs to be looking for another job with better pay, and he needs to be clear on his interview that 3 days a week (for example) he needs to leave on time because he needs to pick his kid from the nursery (or any other reason). Being good and understanding doesn't get you anywhere in this industry, I have experienced it myself in full.

PersonalityLines · 17/12/2019 17:33

Have you done a company check to see if you can find out how much the company is making? It might make him open his eyes

HanginWithMyGnomies · 17/12/2019 17:34

@wintercoats that’s a real sad read. If you’re likening it to an abusive relationship, then please don’t just walk away without trying (I appreciate you have already).

Do you know anyone who left and is in a better job? I’m wondering if he could see that this isn’t normal and there is a brighter furure, whether he might start to see things differently.

So with your training, you’ll remember it’s a process. You plant acorns right? They grow and he’ll realise this isn’t right. Confronting him just makes him defensive and more determined to stay.

I know from your side, this doesn’t help the position you’re in atm. It’s a long game and only stay if you can manage it yourself.

Alsohuman · 17/12/2019 17:35

He’s a mug, isn’t he? You can see it, I can see it and his employer most definitely can. He needs to look at what comparable jobs pay and present them with some evidence. Then tell them he’s off if they don’t give him a pay rise and overtime for anything over his contracted hours. But I imagine he won’t. He can’t even see that he’s holding all the cards.

NettleTea · 17/12/2019 17:36

most people's careers progress because they change jobs fairly regularly.
He has done 4 years with this company, its definately time to take his experience and look for the next step up

19lottie82 · 17/12/2019 17:36

It sounds like your DH doesn’t want to leave his comfort zone despite being treated like crap by him employer.

Pfefferkuchen · 17/12/2019 17:36

DP has been working a job for the past 4 years

more than enough on his cv, time to move on.
You get the best pay rise by moving job, time to start looking!

just beware They constantly ask him to stay late (his working hours are supposed to be 9-5 but there is a clause in contract so they can abuse this) that's pretty standard.
First I don't know any job with a 9 to 5 agreement, it's usually 9 to 6, and unless you have a VERY junior basic role, no one leaves on the dot. When the company abuses, you move on.

Melamine · 17/12/2019 17:37

I have a friend in an almost identical job situation - poorly treated and paid graphic designer who can’t seem to see how awful it is and look elsewhere but is having their self confidence sapped daily - the domestic abuse analogy is spot on! Can you look for new jobs for him? If you could find something better paid then surely he’d be mad to not apply?

LemonPrism · 17/12/2019 17:40

They're not going to promote him or pay him more. Creative industries can be tough, but for example - I got a grad job in jan 2018 for £18k, within a year they'd upped to £20k and now a year after that I have got a job for £28k within 2 years. In a creative industry - they would offer progression a couple of years in if they were willing and if not he needs to look elsewhere.

Original poster
Wintercoats · 17/12/2019 17:41

At one point last summer, he mentioned to his boss about a reference for a job he found. They said that 'at this point they wouldn't give him one, because it wouldn't be a glowing reference'.

But in the next breath they are saying how they can't do without him, putting screen shots of happy client emails due to his work on their website, and praising him for his talent/reliability/skill/business sense.

It is totally MAD. I feel like I'm loosing the plot.

OP posts:
StinkyXmasCheese · 17/12/2019 17:41

Oooh he does sound like a doormat.
My dh was in a job like this and didn't think he could leave but eventually left for a job that truly appreciates him.
Can you job hunt for him and show him what's available?

LemonPrism · 17/12/2019 17:42

Although I also don't get paid overtime

Original poster
Wintercoats · 17/12/2019 17:42

@LemonPrism what industry is that in?

I'm going to look for some jobs for him myself at the moment, even if it's just for the wage idea PP suggested.

OP posts:
LemonPrism · 17/12/2019 17:44

Their attitude not giving him a reference means they've hit on someone very good who will stick around for much less than he's worth. If he's the only designer remaining he should be a senior graphics designer and be on a lot more.

They're sabotaging him

Original poster
Wintercoats · 17/12/2019 17:45

Is there anywhere I could look at, to see how much the company makes, as PP suggested?

OP posts:
LemonPrism · 17/12/2019 17:46

@Wintercoats journalism, so media based and our graphics designers are on more than the journalists. Im quite junior too. (And I don't work for anyone who rips stories from MN!)

LemonPrism · 17/12/2019 17:47

Hm... well glass door sometimes has salaries which ex workers have added