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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I damaging DP's career?

130 replies

Wintercoats · 17/12/2019 17:18

DP has been working a job for the past 4 years, he works as a graphics designer for a small company, around an hour away. He's on less than 25k, works full-time, degree in graphic design. It costs him £250+ a month petrol to commute there, he works full on hours (leaves at 7:30 home at 8pm), and doesn't get paid any more for the hours he works.

They avoid giving him any kind of pay rise (eg last time invited him for an appraisal, asked him what he wanted to earn, he told them and then they said 'oh yes, we will definitely give you that in a years time', and he walked out empty handed...Again.)

They constantly ask him to stay late (his working hours are supposed to be 9-5 but there is a clause in contract so they can abuse this)

They can't retain ANY staff (every person hired in last 4 years has quit, minus DP and one other admin staff) so now they only hire free lance and bank staff.

They treat him awfully but then they flip it and make comments like ' we are only doing this because we know how good you are', 'we are only this harsh because we see such potential'

They always string him along with promises of promotion, shares on business, better pay.

So... I feel as if he is in an abusive relationship with his work and it's really getting me down. I'm so k of being home alone all night, with all responsibility falling on me. We are moving into our flat tomorrow, and DP is working, it's me taking time off AGAIN. He has now been asked to work Sunday/Monday/Christmas Eve while his boss goes on holiday. It's pushed me to breaking point and I am done. I feel so alone. Every time I try and talk to him he says I'm damaging his career, I'm being a nag, they're going to fire him if I kick up a fuss, I'm adding to his stress, this is not uncommon lots of work places are like this and I'm just being dramatic.... It goes on....

I need your advice and opinions, am I damaging his career by asking him to think about a new job, am I being unfair to say I can't stay in a relationship with this man if it goes on like this? I would like to ttc in the next year and there is no way I'm raising a child alone.

OP posts:

strawberrieshortcake · 17/12/2019 17:48

Companies House website?

LemonPrism · 17/12/2019 17:49

Prospects UK says that £25-35k is medium for a graphics designer and a senior designer should be on £35-55

hopeishere · 17/12/2019 17:49

You can check them on companies house.

He needs to move on. Don't ask about references until you've got the job. Most places only do basic ones now anyway - dates employed etc.

DevonCat · 17/12/2019 17:49

They are shafting him hard. Big time. This is the industry I’ve worked in for 33 years. Sadly, this is not uncommon but it doesn’t have to be like this for him. There are some decent companies out there. If you don’t have DC or huge mortgage/bills I would highly recommend freelancing.

NettleTea · 17/12/2019 17:50

they cannot refuse to give him a reference. They were saying that so that he didnt apply.

He needs to be applying to all sorts, even if he wants to stay, so he is in a better position to barter his wages and conditions

Fanlights · 17/12/2019 17:51

It sounds like your DH doesn’t want to leave his comfort zone despite being treated like crap by him employer.

Exactly. I have a friend who is exactly like this, but has been with the organisation for 20 years. He has been refused promotion, transferred between departments etc, and it's very clear he's not valued, in part because they think he's a workhorse who will never leave, especially now he's in his 50s.

He's a good friend and I love him, but it's true he doesn't work smart, and it's also clear he uses 'needing to work' as an alibi for not dealing with other stuff in his life (eg he's getting divorced), is a neglectful parent who doesn't pull his weight, (see under divorce) -- and, crucially, even though he inherited a nice big chunk of money last year when an elderly family member died, which would cushion the risks of quitting and not finding another job immediately, he won't quit.

It is a bit like an abusive relationship the abused person can't bring themselves to quite leave.

Don't let yourself turn into my friend's wife, OP -- eternally picking up the slack, compromising her own career because he can never get home in time to pick up the kids, shushing the children at weekends because Daddy's working at home. His job is the most important thing in that house, and has directly contributed to his divorce.

Andysbestadventure · 17/12/2019 17:52

He needs to go freelance and they can pay him appropriately if they want his work.

Span1elsRock · 17/12/2019 17:53

Nothing attractive about a martyr or a doormat, is there?

He's being an absolute mug OP, and to be honest, I'd be seriously considering a relationship with a man who puts his shit job before everything else. If he hasn't got the balls to say "sorry I can't work this weekend, I'm moving" no wonder he's being taken advantage of.

Please don't job hunt for him though - that's really patronising. He needs to be the one to deal with this, however good your intentions.

AltheaVestr1t · 17/12/2019 17:54

I work in a company that employs a lot of graphic designers. They are not well paid sadly.

Fanlights · 17/12/2019 17:54

At one point last summer, he mentioned to his boss about a reference for a job he found.

Honestly, OP, he's being really amateurish -- don't hint to this type of employer that you're looking elsewhere, unless you leverage it into a raise. You get hired elsewhere first, not meekly ask whether they will give you a nice reference before you've even applied for a job!

Or was he just hoping they were going to say 'We can't do without you, have a giant raise!'?

It sounds to me like he doesn't want to leave.

everythingthelighttouches · 17/12/2019 17:55

I’d like to bring the focus back to you.

If your partner won’t listen to your very reasonable concerns and you’ve given it time, especially if he isn’t even willing to try or to look elsewhere, I’d think about whether you want to be with him anymore.

This is going to be a million times more painful with children.

Andysbestadventure · 17/12/2019 17:56

Oh and £25k is how much some freelancers earn PER JOB.

Fanlights · 17/12/2019 17:57

Agreed @Span1elsRock -- and the OP would be crazy to have a child with a man like that. I barely know my friend's wife, but as far as I can see she's been a solo parent for their children's lives in many ways. This man won't be sharing taking time off with a sick child, or insisting he leaves on time for the nursery pick up.

Emeraldshamrock · 17/12/2019 17:58

No yanbu.
He probably lacks the confidence to move on. It sounds like it is the what he needs.
Is there similar work in the area? Could he go solo to earn money.
Even temping would be better.
If he helps DP was the same last year in head office he was miserable, rarely making sales due to office politics and administration duties.
He took the plunge and applied to one of their main suppliers in February, he is a changed man he is top of the table to win sales man if the year.
It was a different story last Christmas he was miserable.

everythingthelighttouches · 17/12/2019 18:00

Also, you are very unhappy in the relationship because of this. Is he?

I think you should tell him what you’ve told us..

That you are unhappy, you want children and this is a fork in the road for you. That you can’t carry on as things are.

Explanation · 17/12/2019 18:00

This used to be me around 20 years ago. Stockholm syndrome when I look back at it.
First and important step to avoid working Saturdays / Holidays is for him to say the following to his boss:
"I would love to, come in and help / stay late and help, but after I didn't get my last pay rise I had to take a Saturday /part-time job (don't mention in what - leave it open to interpretation that it is the same thing at a different company) to make ends meet."

That should make his boss realise he is close to losing him and that he has grown a pair.

Start looking at other jobs and building up his portfolio. Save his best work in digital and print format and if there are any good contacts from regular clients from large companies that he has got to know personally, then he should quietly let them know he will soon be moving on (maybe even to his own thing). They might react and offer him something.

ChristmasSpiritsOnThRocksPleas · 17/12/2019 18:01

This isn’t actually a career is it though?

cinnamonwoman · 17/12/2019 18:03

I'm a fellow graphic design widow!

We've had three children since he started his career, he was seldom home before 8pm, often working until midnight in London. waking up at 4am to work and then off out on the train before the children had even woken up was a regular occurrence.

I had to move country with three young children (and a cat!) and he didn't even get a day off for that. He finished in London on Friday then started at the new studio on Monday.

You can't change his career choice and he won't get anywhere if he doesn't put the hours in.
So you have to accept it I'm afraid, I have. Or you could leave.

Sorry

The only consolation for me is that it's paid off and we earn quite a lot now (and it enabled us to do an international move)

Sounds like your husband needs a bit of a push to move on and move up.

(Written while eating dinner, on my own, while my husband is working late, again!)

IdiotInDisguise · 17/12/2019 18:04

£25k after 4 years? What career is he talking about? A career is when you start going up the ladder, he seems to be comfortably sitting by the ladder.

Honestly, he can take a junior position somewhere else and end up earning far more within a couple of years than if he stays there.

nevermorelenore · 17/12/2019 18:05

I work in creative and sadly there are a lot of agencies like this. Especially small start ups where the boss is just a chancer who has hired an office and has loads of 'freelance' staff and 'interns'.

Tell him to get his portfolio in order. That's much more useful than a reference.

Bodear · 17/12/2019 18:05

OP, you can’t make him leave the job and you can’t change him/ his relationship with his employer. You can just decide if it’s a deal breaker for you. If it is then tell him this and leave; if it’s not then unfortunately you just have to get on with it, but knowing it’s your choice to do so.

AnnaMagnani · 17/12/2019 18:05

I was your DH for 11 years. Treated badly, numerous cycles of counselling and antidepressants. But wouldn't leave.

I'm freelance now - it's amazing!

FizzyGreenWater · 17/12/2019 18:07

No, you aren't - he is though.

Career coach?

He's being walked all over and losing career ground while he does so.

He needs to get the fuck out.

IdiotInDisguise · 17/12/2019 18:08

At one point last summer, he mentioned to his boss about a reference for a job he found. They said that 'at this point they wouldn't give him one, because it wouldn't be a glowing reference'.

I’m sorry to say that that, alone, proves he has no future at all in that company. He needs to grow a spine and fly. Starting again from a junior position could get him further than the line in a years time than staying there for the rest of his life.

Original poster

Wintercoats · 17/12/2019 18:08

@cinnamonwoman Interesting read... It wouldn't be so bad if his wage wasn't so shocking. I thinknits a lifestyle choice to, basically I'm not sure I want to put up with that for the rest of my days, especially with a family.

OP posts:

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