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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I damaging DP's career?

130 replies

Wintercoats · 17/12/2019 17:18

DP has been working a job for the past 4 years, he works as a graphics designer for a small company, around an hour away. He's on less than 25k, works full-time, degree in graphic design. It costs him £250+ a month petrol to commute there, he works full on hours (leaves at 7:30 home at 8pm), and doesn't get paid any more for the hours he works.

They avoid giving him any kind of pay rise (eg last time invited him for an appraisal, asked him what he wanted to earn, he told them and then they said 'oh yes, we will definitely give you that in a years time', and he walked out empty handed...Again.)

They constantly ask him to stay late (his working hours are supposed to be 9-5 but there is a clause in contract so they can abuse this)

They can't retain ANY staff (every person hired in last 4 years has quit, minus DP and one other admin staff) so now they only hire free lance and bank staff.

They treat him awfully but then they flip it and make comments like ' we are only doing this because we know how good you are', 'we are only this harsh because we see such potential'

They always string him along with promises of promotion, shares on business, better pay.

So... I feel as if he is in an abusive relationship with his work and it's really getting me down. I'm so k of being home alone all night, with all responsibility falling on me. We are moving into our flat tomorrow, and DP is working, it's me taking time off AGAIN. He has now been asked to work Sunday/Monday/Christmas Eve while his boss goes on holiday. It's pushed me to breaking point and I am done. I feel so alone. Every time I try and talk to him he says I'm damaging his career, I'm being a nag, they're going to fire him if I kick up a fuss, I'm adding to his stress, this is not uncommon lots of work places are like this and I'm just being dramatic.... It goes on....

I need your advice and opinions, am I damaging his career by asking him to think about a new job, am I being unfair to say I can't stay in a relationship with this man if it goes on like this? I would like to ttc in the next year and there is no way I'm raising a child alone.

OP posts:
JolieOBrien · 18/12/2019 04:46

@Wintercoats

He is on a very low wage for the kind of job he does ... dare I say that a postman earns more than him, to give you some idea.

You need to persuade him to look for another job asap or ask for a pay rise because he is being taken advantage of.

BillHadersNewWife · 18/12/2019 04:48

Do you work?

JolieOBrien · 18/12/2019 04:48

Here is a postman's wage scale for you to compare

£16,564 - £24,742

JolieOBrien · 18/12/2019 04:49

@BillHadersNewWife

Was that directed at me?

BillHadersNewWife · 18/12/2019 04:49

No at the OP.

JolieOBrien · 18/12/2019 04:51

I don't like the look of Bill Hader btw why would you want to be his new wife? Grin

JolieOBrien · 18/12/2019 04:51

@BillHadersNewWife

Ok

Creepster · 18/12/2019 04:52

From the OP: We are moving into our flat tomorrow, and DP is working, it's me taking time off AGAIN.

BillHadersNewWife · 18/12/2019 04:53

Jolie he's BEAUTIFUL! How dare you talk like that about my DH! Grin

BillHadersNewWife · 18/12/2019 04:54

Creepster thank you...that does sound a bit shite for OP. But the problem is...if he's happy in his work...whilst he's not getting his dues, it's kind of his choice in the end isn't it?

BlueSkyAtChristmas · 18/12/2019 05:29

From my own network this sounds typical of the creative industries. Even freelancing. Low pay, long hours to please clients. You are bottom of the pecking order in many companies unfortunately. It’s a hard life. Only the super talented willing to work in London (or other big city if lucky) will succeed.

The creative industries are generally undervalued and competitive. You need to be super talented and ambitious/ entrepreneurial with excellent networking skills to stand out. Much the same with journalism. There is also pressure from outsourcing work to cheaper labour overseas.

I will be quietly discourag

BlueSkyAtChristmas · 18/12/2019 05:33

Sorry hadn’t finished... I would be quietly discouraging my children from entering a career in the creative industries such as illustration, design, architecture and writing. It’s super stressful and for little reward. I’m married to someone in this industry and it’s a tough life. He now works freelance and has increasingly taken on childcare responsibilities as my career has progressed. It works better this way, but I know he struggles with this as it’s not his preference. But it’s necessary

Gwenhwyfar · 18/12/2019 06:14

"it's usually 9 to 6"

That surprises me. I don't know anyone with a 9-6 contract. It's usually 9-5 or 5.30 and of course people do work longer than their stated hours. 9-6 is 40 hours and the standard contract is more like 38 hours, around 37 in public sector and 35 in universities and the like. I've worked 35 hours in many jobs.

Gwenhwyfar · 18/12/2019 06:24

"He no longer works there, but still does work for free for the guy in the evenings."

OMG! There's something in this domestic abuse at work thing. I've known people being bullied at work, but this is on a different scale. A kind of manipulative relationship that lasts long term!

PrettyPurse · 18/12/2019 06:34

@Wintercoats - what are you going to do?

Bodear · 18/12/2019 07:09

All of this discussion around pay/ freelance/ career progression is wholly irrelevant though.

OP you’ve been having this discussion with your DH for a while now and he is making his choice so you need to make yours. Either it’s a deal breaker for you or it’s not, in which case for your own sanity you need to make peace with it.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 18/12/2019 07:28

He needs a career mentor / coach. A good one. He won't listen to you so you need outside help.

You might have to buy him some sessions if he won't do it himself.

Ultimately though you have to decide whether this is the life you want.

OllyBJolly · 18/12/2019 07:42

It's almost impossible to find out the turnover of a small company. Companies House will only show filleted accounts.

He doesn't need references, he will have a portfolio.

As other posters have said, this isn't unusual in creative industries. The turnover in 4 years isn't that unusual either. Graphic designers need to work in the field to build up a reputation. That is exploited by some employers. He will have to watch out he's not going from one crap employer to another.

This is a very busy time of year for creatives. Moving house the week before Christmas was always going to be a stretch.

Doesn't sound as if freelancing is an option. To be successful you have to have strong customer relationships that will follow you to your new venture. It's risky, and if the couple are looking to have a child and exit on one salary for some time, then a regular wage is almost essential.

I wouldn't waste money on a career coach.

PooWillyBumBum · 18/12/2019 07:49

Does he actually enjoy his job? £25k isn’t far from what an entry level role earns in my organisation, could he find another job closer and freelance on the side to scratch the creative itch.

Also have you worked out what he actually earns pro rata/after his commuting costs. If he got rid of the car (no petrol, depreciation, tax, services, repairs) - how low a salary could he accept for a 9-5 where he walks/cycles locally?

I’m sorry OP this sounds horrible and would drive me crazy too. He needs to gather evidence of his good work, forget worrying about references (I know many orgs are sloppy about getting them other than confirming someone works there!) and move on. Everyone else seems to be managing to...what’s his fear?

PhilCornwall1 · 18/12/2019 08:17

OP, don't take this the wrong way, but your partner seems to be not very perceptive. It's obvious they can't keep staff and he has made it plain to them, up to now that he's going nowhere.

He needs to start looking for a new job ASAP and get out of where he is. His career isn't progressing, it's stagnating.

DonutMan · 19/12/2019 03:58

I would be quietly discouraging my children from entering a career in the creative industries such as illustration, design, architecture and writing.

From my experience I would sadly agree with this.

I have a degree in a creative subject and found that business writing and proposal management in large multinationals was quite lucrative with many potential avenues for advancement, but it was far too boring for me and I'd have probably taken an economics based subject if I'd wanted to work in these environments.

Instead, I retrained in a technical skill and moved into management after being 'on the ground' for a couple of years. I'm much happier as my job is more hands-on than cognitive (for want of a better description) and I satisfy my creative side with my hobbies, which I was always too mentally exhausted to do after proofing and rewriting 150 page documents every week.

MLMsuperfan · 19/12/2019 04:38

Sounds like he has a low perception of his own value.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 19/12/2019 05:07

You need to make some decisions independently of your oh.

I was in this situation years ago... I left. He went on to marry, twice... Each woman left for the same reasons I did.

As a side issue... Is your OH depressed?
Or something like stokeholm syndrome?

Sounds as if bresdcrumbing /sunk cost fallacy may apply to!

TheWernethWife · 19/12/2019 08:36

I've used Company Check in the past. Easier to navigate than Companies House. You can check the company financials, and who owns the company. It's opened my eyes I can tell you.

OllyBJolly · 19/12/2019 08:51

I've been thinking about this. The OP hasn't said (that I can see) that her DP is unhappy in his role. She's not happy with it.

My DH could earn twice his salary. He is very good at what he does (I'm told by several people). However, he has been in the same job, same company for 20 years. He doesn't like change. He doesn't love the job, but he isn't motivated to do anything about it. He's been offered promotions which he has rejected.

That's all absolutely fine. I earn 3 x what he does and I'm at a comfortable stage in my life. However, I think if this was 30 years ago and I was planning a family, house moves etc then I would not be happy with the situation.

OP has a decision to make. She can't control her DP and it would be wrong for her to influence his career - if he is quite happy doing what he is doing.