Am I damaging DP's career?

[Wintercoats]

DP has been working a job for the past 4 years, he works as a graphics designer for a small company, around an hour away. He's on less than 25k, works full-time, degree in graphic design. It costs him £250+ a month petrol to commute there, he works full on hours (leaves at 7:30 home at 8pm), and doesn't get paid any more for the hours he works.

They avoid giving him any kind of pay rise (eg last time invited him for an appraisal, asked him what he wanted to earn, he told them and then they said 'oh yes, we will definitely give you that in a years time', and he walked out empty handed...Again.)

They constantly ask him to stay late (his working hours are supposed to be 9-5 but there is a clause in contract so they can abuse this)

They can't retain ANY staff (every person hired in last 4 years has quit, minus DP and one other admin staff) so now they only hire free lance and bank staff.

They treat him awfully but then they flip it and make comments like ' we are only doing this because we know how good you are', 'we are only this harsh because we see such potential'

They always string him along with promises of promotion, shares on business, better pay.

So... I feel as if he is in an abusive relationship with his work and it's really getting me down. I'm so k of being home alone all night, with all responsibility falling on me. We are moving into our flat tomorrow, and DP is working, it's me taking time off AGAIN. He has now been asked to work Sunday/Monday/Christmas Eve while his boss goes on holiday. It's pushed me to breaking point and I am done. I feel so alone. Every time I try and talk to him he says I'm damaging his career, I'm being a nag, they're going to fire him if I kick up a fuss, I'm adding to his stress, this is not uncommon lots of work places are like this and I'm just being dramatic.... It goes on....

I need your advice and opinions, am I damaging his career by asking him to think about a new job, am I being unfair to say I can't stay in a relationship with this man if it goes on like this? I would like to ttc in the next year and there is no way I'm raising a child alone.

OMG breadcrumbing That was my marriage! Partly the sunken cost fallacy too.

It's so useful to have a word for something isn't it?

He needs to get a fantastic portfolio of his work together, 10 or so great case studies he can talk through with confidence and then contact the specialist graphic design recruitment agencies. You can’t do that for him, I’m afraid. If he joined as a junior designer, he should really be considered a mid weight by now, but if he’s not the sort of person to blow his own trumpet, he’ll always be ‘the junior’.

I’ve worked as a graphic designer for 35 years, and the only way to get decent hikes in salary is to move on, some do it yearly.

Also, the long hours/weekend work is not uncommon, not paid and IS expected. He needs to network, go to design events and get known. Only the brilliantly talented get head hunted too, so he needs to be very, very good. The mediocre stay at the same level for years.

& re: the suggestions he goes Freelance - he's not ready for that.

His current lack of confidence, naivete, & inability to handle his employers will not translate well to dealing direct with clients - let alone trying to drum up sufficient work in the first place.

Good luck OP.
Very hard to live alongside this, especially given your previous knowledge of how abusive relationships work - & sure, he's in one with his employer.
But for your DP to triangulate YOU into the Bad Guy Corner for "damaging his career" when you are, erm, doing all you can to HELP his career is concerning. Please think hard & long on that one, & also whether this guy is really father material?

He's in deep denial, doesn't want to alter his (dis)comfort zone, & would rather deal with the devil he knows than look outside or take a risk. Really the only risk is that he will turn 50 & still be there, still being Breadcrumbed for £25k a year.
Or maybe £26k, as a little reward, because - according to his employer - he is Too Special To Be Allowed To Leave, but simultaneously Not Good Enough To Be Properly Compensated.

They are most certainly abusing him.

He needs to print off all the glowing reviews, any written praise etc. Then, when he gets his next job, he will be able to present this in lieu of the reference if the company get arsey about it.

There are some shit people in this world and he is on the receiving end of abuse.

He should quietly look for a new job (perhaps easy to keep quiet if work is quite far away) and once he is offered a new job, only then should he say anything, to resign. He should not accept an increased salary as they'll likely try to buy him back.

The thing is with these situations, people who want to exploit others know damn well the type to exploit. Those like your dh who won't make a fuss, will do as told out of fear, obligation etc. It may be hard for him to understand/come to terms with the fact that they are shitting on him.

So a £25k job is actually 2 days a week work - that makes more sense. Multiply up, that’s 75k per annum gross which for more than just the creative design sounds about right. Not an equivalent comparison to PAYE though as you need to pay tax, ni and cover holiday and sick leave.

Yes - that seems about right. I assume I'll make about $85-90k per year, minus about $10k in expenses. That's allowing for 5 weeks of holiday per year, and buying all the hardware, software, licenses etc I feel I need without worrying about them (eg I bought a $3700 Macbook Pro recently).

In practice I usually take much more than 5 weeks a year holiday, but I also sometimes work 60 hour weeks to make up for it.

All his praise, reviews (internal and external) and client work need to be printed off and kept safely at home before his employer has any idea he'll be going.

YANBU to say you don't want a partner with his attitude but YABU to keep complaining about it.
He's made his choice. You need to make your's which is either support him or leave. If he's feeling stuck and asks for help, then that's a different matter. But it sounds as though you've got into a negative pattern where he constantly has to defend his career to you. That's going to make it even harder for him to admit he's got it wrong or wants to make changes.

I’d really be tempted to leave him if he can’t even listen to you when you’re trying to help. That plus his ability to not push for a pay rise, muck up applying for another job by telling his boss he’s thinking about it and then being talked out of it. As someone else said - this is not a career.
(We also pay our admin staff more than that).

He doesn’t think it’s normal, or he would be able to talk about it normally, not shot down discussion.
He is scared of change and thinks he isn’t good enough.

I was in an unhealthy job like this for years. Finally got out this summer. I felt like the manager was psychologically abusing me too. It's very detrimental to wellbeing and esteem and the longer you stay the harder it is to leave.

I'll disagree, it's his choice on whether he changes job or not, but he needs to manage it so he can do his fair share if he decides to stay in this role

He's probably got no confidence left. Maybe show him similar better paid jobs & stress his website successes they posted/praised & that no one stays in 1job too long: career progression is necessary or people think you not adaptable or outdated skill wise. Also, isn't it illegal to withhold or give a bad reference?

I was married to a workaholic for years, very similar to this. It's possible that for each job or project after this there will be some reason why he just has to, because this boss or that project. Then you've lived half your life, raising kids effectively alone and running a house, family, home and your own job. Have a long hard think about whether this is enough for you. As others have said, he's made his choice. Don't try to control him , which won't work, make your own choice for your life.

My DPs work was like this, he was leaving the house at 3am and not getting back till 6pm, working shifts only earning 23k a year..he left and is now on 61k a year :)

He's ruining his own career

You don't stay in the same job for 4 years without promotion, working yourself to an early death, all for a poxy 25k.

He doesn't have a life and you won't either if he stays with the firm and you stay with him

I friend of mine earns £28k as a senior designer, managing a team of six, and has signed out of the WTD so regularly works 60 hour weeks.

I was shocked as I always thought it was a well paid job. I used to earn around £35k driving trucks - 47.5 hr week and 1.5x overtime rate after that.

there is a clause in contract so they can abuse this

You need to get legal with him. Most contracts will say that there has to be flexibility in line with demands.

However if its happening a lot he has a right to request a reevaluation of his Job Description, or negotiate overtime pay.

He needs to not see it as about him/his fault, and understand what employee rights are. With that confidence/knowledge hopefully it will empower him to make his next move, with self-esteem intact.

So, they abuse him and he abuses you for objecting to being abused.
I suspect he likes things well enough just the way they are.

No you are not damaging his career, but he is damaging your family.

Show him this thread, OP, or selected bits of it. You cannot make an unambitious man ambitious, nor make someone who loves their rut look over the edge of it. But you can tell him, sadly and seriously, that he is not turning out to be someone with whom you can any longer contemplate long-term relationship with children. Once he's spent five years being underpaid and undervalued in a dead end job he will render himself unemployable anywhere else.

Than let him think - give him a deadline for this - say three months - and if he isn't seeking professional advice with the job hunt, brandishing an impressive portfolio and getting interviews by then, you have your answer and can move on. 😏

I’ve been there.

DH stayed in a job, loyal to a boss who didn’t pay him well, and paid him late every month. At one point he was owed 6 months salary because ‘there’s other people more in need’ and my salary could sustain us, so he allowed himself to be paid late so that others who were breadwinners would be paid

He even left, and went back a year later.

The boss treated him like shit, threw him under the bus with clients if he needed a fall guy for something, and was generally a cunt.

It completely eroded his confidence in himself, his self esteem, and he ended up drinking more and more.

We’re now separated. I couldn’t do it any more. He seemed to have more loyalty to that tosser than to being a supportive and loyal husband.

He no longer works there, but still does work for free for the guy in the evenings.

He’s out of the house for 12.5 hours approximately 47 weeks a year. Take off an hour for lunch (if he takes it) and that equals total time spent either travelling to work or working of 2702.5 hours / year ie 57.5 hours a week and £9.25 an hour.

If you deduct the travelling time, that’s 2232.5 hours / year and 47.5 hours a week giving £11.20 an hour of working time. I bet he doesn’t take the full hour for lunch so this is his absolute maximum hourly rate presuming he takes and hour and only works 5 days a week. Pretty shit eh!

Have a read of the sunk cost fallacy. He’s caught up in it in his job and you are in the relationship. Don’t have babies with this man seems to be the consensus on this thread and I agree. time.com/5347133/sunk-cost-fallacy-decisions/

Forgot to say be careful of wasting your fertile years with this man.

Another thing to look at, is the size of the bosses house.

I really hope some of the freelance people have given you hope, OP. Maybe PM them to find out how they went about it?