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Original poster

Am I damaging DP's career?

130 replies

Wintercoats · 17/12/2019 17:18

DP has been working a job for the past 4 years, he works as a graphics designer for a small company, around an hour away. He's on less than 25k, works full-time, degree in graphic design. It costs him £250+ a month petrol to commute there, he works full on hours (leaves at 7:30 home at 8pm), and doesn't get paid any more for the hours he works.

They avoid giving him any kind of pay rise (eg last time invited him for an appraisal, asked him what he wanted to earn, he told them and then they said 'oh yes, we will definitely give you that in a years time', and he walked out empty handed...Again.)

They constantly ask him to stay late (his working hours are supposed to be 9-5 but there is a clause in contract so they can abuse this)

They can't retain ANY staff (every person hired in last 4 years has quit, minus DP and one other admin staff) so now they only hire free lance and bank staff.

They treat him awfully but then they flip it and make comments like ' we are only doing this because we know how good you are', 'we are only this harsh because we see such potential'

They always string him along with promises of promotion, shares on business, better pay.

So... I feel as if he is in an abusive relationship with his work and it's really getting me down. I'm so k of being home alone all night, with all responsibility falling on me. We are moving into our flat tomorrow, and DP is working, it's me taking time off AGAIN. He has now been asked to work Sunday/Monday/Christmas Eve while his boss goes on holiday. It's pushed me to breaking point and I am done. I feel so alone. Every time I try and talk to him he says I'm damaging his career, I'm being a nag, they're going to fire him if I kick up a fuss, I'm adding to his stress, this is not uncommon lots of work places are like this and I'm just being dramatic.... It goes on....

I need your advice and opinions, am I damaging his career by asking him to think about a new job, am I being unfair to say I can't stay in a relationship with this man if it goes on like this? I would like to ttc in the next year and there is no way I'm raising a child alone.

OP posts:
messolini9 · 17/12/2019 18:10

OP - never mind his career. Just don't damage your own by conceiving with a man who won't discuss important issues with you.
You know who's gonna end up holding the baby, don'tcha?

HoldMyLobster · 17/12/2019 18:11

Blimey, he's on less than £15 an hour. I'd guess the freelancers are getting paid at least double his rate per hour. I charge $50 per hour minimum.

Original poster
Wintercoats · 17/12/2019 18:12

@HoldMyLobster I've never thought to break it down like that... I used to get paid more than that in my part-time job at uni Shock

OP posts:
CluelessNewMama · 17/12/2019 18:12

My DH is in a very similar situation. Before we had DD (now 6 months) it wasn’t too much of an issue, but now him never being here (he’s out of the house from 6am to 7:30pm) and having little disposable income is putting a lot of pressure on me and strain on our relationship. Definitely sort this before you have children if you can.

My DH has now finally seen the light and has started job hunting closer to home and is getting interviews for much better (and much better paid!) positions. If you are planning children I’d encourage you to have a conversation with your DP about how he sees himself being able to contribute in the current circumstances

ButtercupGirI · 17/12/2019 18:12

May be he feels comfortable there? Doesn't sound like he wants to move on.

BSintolerant · 17/12/2019 18:13

@AnnaMagnani can you pinpoint exactly what got you out of the mire? There’s nothing worse than being stuck in a situation like that.

HisBetterHalf · 17/12/2019 18:13

sounds like DP is damaging his own career by staying with an employer who is restricting him from developing further and not providing a payrise. Is he earning the average for his role? Does he get a bonus?

IdiotInDisguise · 17/12/2019 18:14

Considering the extra hours, I would say he is likely to earning far less than £15 per hour.

Equanimitas · 17/12/2019 18:14

Does he have other people he can go to for references? It's not unusual.

Given all the glowing stuff about him on the current employer's website, surely he has a good springboard for applying for new jobs?

lozster · 17/12/2019 18:16

Companies can refuse a reference. They are only obliged to confirm if and when you worked for them.

This is a red herring though - designers live by their portfolio not by references. He needs to spend time pulling that together and then move on. Easier said than done outside the big cities. Graphic design is highly competitive though.

Designers also live by their networks - this is what gets the next job or freelance assignment. Whilst he might not want to piss anyone off in his current company, he may find that his boss is known for his behaviour in the design community so the bosses opinion might not be an issue...

Last couple of points - he needs to watch out for rsi... and whoever had freelance gigs for 25k, assuming that doesn’t involve 8 months work, could you chuck a few of these my way to pass on to my OH?

fiorentina · 17/12/2019 18:16

From experience of being client side, many graphic designers at agencies work long hours. At the mercy of client requests for quick turnaround etc. I feel for him, he’s probably not in a great place to say no if account managers promise clients the earth. If he’s under pressure at work and you also make him feel under pressure it can be no win for him. I do sympathise with you too though.
However if he’s built up experience and a good reputation, he should look for a role that rewards him more for that, or could he look to build up freelance work. That may not reduce his hours, but would mean he can charge for his own hourly rate with nobody taking a cut. There are options. Perhaps a break over Xmas may let him see that?

lozster · 17/12/2019 18:17

And yes, it is moving on to new companies that gets the big pay rises...

Waveysnail · 17/12/2019 18:19

I like the idea of booking him in woth career coach

BlueJava · 17/12/2019 18:21

He should work on a portfolio of his work and cultivate a couple of people who will give him a proper reference on his work. The company he works for probably won't do that (which sounds a good think in his case) but all they can do is provide the necessary confirmation of title, start date, end date. HR depts don't write opinions any more.

He only needs to look around and apply - then see what comes up. He shouldn't ask for references unless he has a firm offer from the company is he looking to move to.

SecondaryBurnzzz · 17/12/2019 18:24

I agree with PP's who say her DH should get another job. It sounds like his confidence is low and he's staying there because he's scared to leave. Not sure what the market is like where you are but there are always graphics jobs on LinkedIn.

EugenesAxe · 17/12/2019 18:25

Completely agree with your summary of the situation - his is giving an inch and they are taking a mile. He needs to vote with his feet if he is going to have any kind of leverage to negotiate a salary increase in that company. Get a good offer from another agency (in an ideal world) or leave to go freelance himself.

By the way I'm not advocating he should work less hours - if you have to in that industry to get on, then that's fair enough and you shouldn't have a go at him for that. BUT he needs to be getting more than £25k a year for the pleasure!

WhereverIMayRoam · 17/12/2019 18:32

They are never going to give him a raise, why on earth would they? He’s shown them again and again that he’ll stay no matter how badly treated he is.

Tbh it sounds like he has very little confidence in himself and his own abilities. Also (and I mean no offence), a bit naive. I mean you do not go to your current employer to ask for a reference for a job you’re thinking of applying for!

I don’t really know what you can do in terms of getting him to move on but you are right to be thinking about what your future looks like with a partner who isn’t likely to be around for you or dc if you have them. I wonder would it shock him into a rethink if you told him that you’re seriously considering your future as a couple? Of course if you say that and nothing changes but you stay anyway/have dc then you’re basically telling him what he’s telling his employers ie I’ll just put up with it.

SummerPavillion · 17/12/2019 18:38

There's going to be one hell of a nursery bill if you want to carry on working because it looks like he won't be doing much/any childcare. In fact, could it end up being more than he actually earns?

I had no idea the industry was like this, what a shame.

Bunney2020 · 17/12/2019 18:39

He needs to look for a new job. I got to this point in my job, and it left me with some awful anxiety about work, I left it too long and ended up quitting to save myself. Now I'm unemployed and so fucked up about work I'm struggling to make it to interviews.

I was constantly told I would be getting more responsibility, promotions, was handed little carrots here and there but ultimately that's all they were. It was never going to materialise into a promotion, because I was the only person stupid enough to do the job I was doing because it was so shit. I ended up taking a period of sick leave with anxiety following the final incident and couldn't face going back. I wish I'd quit sooner, began looking for a new job while in work, it would have saved me a lot of mental health issues.

HoldMyLobster · 17/12/2019 18:40

whoever had freelance gigs for 25k, assuming that doesn’t involve 8 months work, could you chuck a few of these my way to pass on to my OH

I have one client that gives me $30k per year of work that takes me about 15 hours a week. Another two that give me about 10 hours a week for $20-25k per year each.

It helps to make sure you are multi-skilled - graphic design, web design, social media marketing, Wordpress, project management, etc.

I was ready to give up the $30k a year client recently when they were being a chaotic PITA, but I've brought some better communication and PM tools, and they're working much more effectively now.

lozster · 17/12/2019 18:48

So a £25k job is actually 2 days a week work - that makes more sense. Multiply up, that’s 75k per annum gross which for more than just the creative design sounds about right. Not an equivalent comparison to PAYE though as you need to pay tax, ni and cover holiday and sick leave.

ChiaraMontague · 17/12/2019 18:50

Get your DP to look up breadcrumbing - a tactic employers use to string along employees with non-concrete promises of big opportunities in the future.

thenightsky · 17/12/2019 18:50

can't do without him, putting screen shots of happy client emails due to his work on their website, and praising him for his talent/reliability/skill/business sense.

Can he save/screen shot all these and use in place of their reference?

lozster · 17/12/2019 18:50

... and also equipment and licences for software cost a fare amount too for freelancers.

Lunde · 17/12/2019 18:54

DH had a friend like this. He was an IT manager but stayed fixed in a job and refused to move on. He moaned about his job, his employers, the stress - everything really. 30 years on the company made him redundant in his 50s.