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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to lie to people about this?

152 replies

hatelivinglikethis · 17/12/2019 14:29

I’ve considered having rhinoplasty done, I hate my nose and always have since I was a child, I’m 30 now. I got bullied because of it, I don’t have any pictures of myself, I never take pictures unless I have to such as passport/driving license/work. At every social gathering when the group wants to take pictures I always avoid it, I’ve saved up for years to have this surgery but I’m just worried what people will think? I practice a religion where any cosmetic surgery is not allowed unless necessary. But I have decided to do it anyway, I can’t live like this anymore. It affects my mental health, I don’t want to go out or do anything because of it. I’m only 30, I don’t want to live the rest of my life feeling like this. I want to enjoy my life and do stuff, but the way I feel about my nose keeps me from doing anything.

It’s going to change the way I look dramatically, and I just don’t know what to say to people. I’ve thought of lying, saying I had a accident and that resulted in a deviated septum etc. I also want to have it done in USA, I found a great surgeon who’s got a lot of experience creating the type of nose I want. How on earth do I explain this? It’s one thing having an accident and going for surgery in London, but abroad? Nobody’s going to buy that. Please help, don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 17/12/2019 15:49

God just be honest.

"I hated my nose so I fixed that"

The end.

DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 17/12/2019 15:50

Unless it is massively changing the sea[pe and size of your nose, the odds are that people won't particularly notice - they may realise there is something different about you but not be able to work out what (a bit like when someone swaps their glasses for contact lenses. So if possible, I'd say nothing.

But otherwise Well, if it impacts you so much, it IS absolutely necessary... for nose surgery you could always say you had problems breathing. nobody’s business really!, as Chuckle suggests.

You are a young woman - you deserve to get joy out of your life, and even if you are the only one who notices a real difference, it will be worth it for your peace of mind, I wouldn't think twice about fibbing about something like this - you aren't hurting anybody, and have every right to have surgery that makes you feel so much better about yourself.

There are loads of things that I wish I'd done when I was younger, and didn't - and I still wish I'd had the bottle to do them. Go for it!

I hope your new nose is everything you want and gives you the confidence to step proudly out for the rest of your life.

messolini9 · 17/12/2019 15:51

I’ve saved up for years to have this surgery but I’m just worried what people will think?
You poor thing OP, you're feeling damned if you do & damned it you don't, aren't you?
Awful to have endured childish bullying for looking different to any 'accepted norm', & well done you for surviving it & deciding how you now want to address the issue.
The thing is ... may I ask what advice or even counselling you have had about your expectations of the effect surgery will actually give you?
For decades now, your life has been blighted by what do people think?, with your focus on feelings of inadequacy for other people's idiotic perceptions & cruel remarks.
Now, however - at the point of what you are sincerely hoping will be a life-changing surgery - look at where your thoughts are still focused: what will people think?
Do you see how it is the same thought process, for both before AND after your proposed surgery?

So I would like to urge you to be very careful about how much you continue allowing an assumption of other people's judgemental nastiness (& yes, there are plenty of those about, but most people are NOT thinking horrible things about you!) to affect YOUR thinking, YOUR wellbeing, YOUR thought processes, & YOUR decisions about what to do to best manage your own spiritual & emotional wellbeing?

I hope you are very careful about not letting anybody else's opinion cloud your own judgement about what you wish to do & - having done it - whether you "should" or "ought" to have been 'allowed' to do it.

You are an adult. It is your decision, your money, your body & your face. Anybody choosing to naysay that can piss off & look after their own body in the manner of their own choosing - yours is your own body, & your own choice to make.

In short - if you go ahead with your procedure, you need to own it - body & soul! If anyone is rude enough to comment, all you need do is shut them down with neutral or warning responses like -
'Yes, I had a little work done, I'm much happier with my nose now'
'Yes, I was fed up with people commenting on it, so I'm sure they'll stop now' [i.e. shut TF up you insensitive plonker]
'Yes, I've been saving for the procedure for a while, so glad to have it out of the way now'
& repeat until the rude sod goes away, or just change the subject if they are people who are being a bit dense rather than actively rude or bullying.

I practice a religion where any cosmetic surgery is not allowed unless necessary
It's necessary. You say so. Your opinion on the matter is perfectly valid - for you. You are not running around telling anyone else to get their nose fixed - by exactly the same logic, nobody else can run around telling you not to. Nobody else is "allowed" to make decisons about your body. Not even if they are using a religion you happen to share as an excuse to beat you up with.

If your religious community cannot put your emotional wellbeing, mental health, & personal autonomy in front of a silly rule that some old man wrote in an old book once, maybe it's time to rethink that community.

It's a larger can of worms that simply having a quick-fix procedure isn't it @hatelivinglikethis? - & I urge you to place as much importance on the internals as the externals of this decision. In the same way as you are taking care to appoint a trusted surgeon with your face - please find the time & money to spend on a trusted therapist to hold your hand as you deal with all the ramifications of your own expectations, other people's bloody stupidity in their reactions to it ... & addressing the dreadful feelings you still must have about your childhood bullying.

A good therapist will help you unpick a lot of this & find a more peaceful resolution within yourself. It is just as important & valid for you to 'fix' this as it is for you to feel you want to 'fix' your nose.

Best of luck - you are doing a brave thing, look after yourself well INSIDE & out, OP Flowers

CanIHaveADrink · 17/12/2019 15:52

Yes I would say you had breathing problems that needed sorting.
You dint need to say it was in the US.

When you will have it done, who will look after your ds? Will you need to tell your ex/family member of where you are and why?

Poorolddaddypig · 17/12/2019 15:54

My best friend - and I mean BEST friend who I saw all the time - had a secret (well more of a ‘surprise’ nose job). I didn’t even notice. Bet you most people will see you, think there’s something different about you, but not be able to put their finger on what it is and move on with their day. Get the surgery! And if anyone does ask just tell the truth, nobody will care.

torain6319 · 17/12/2019 15:56

Be bold OP! Tell your family friends coworkers what you’re going to do & if you’re comfortable with it, ask them which shape they think will look best. When you return everyone will be so excited to see what “they” helped with.😃 Good for you!

DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 17/12/2019 15:56

God just be honest.

Unfortunately if there are strong religious proscriptions against non-essential surgery, OP will not find that easy to do.

A white lie might be easier all round.

CaMePlaitPas · 17/12/2019 15:56

In my opinion the people who talk are jealous and wish they could have work done themselves. As for your religion, I guess with everything it's a matter of conscience but it's your life, your body and your decision.

messolini9 · 17/12/2019 15:57

& take heart from @CSIblonde's nice post OP - people don't notice as much as we feel they will, but they DO notice & react to 'smiley & more confident'!

A lot of people won't even twig tbh. A work colleague had one & I didn't twig for ages & normally I notice stuff. That's because it can take a year to 'settle' into its final different shape. A lot of us were just so & so, you're looking well... (they were v smiley & noticeable more confident). Just tell people you had long term breathing issues, your choice, your nose.

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 17/12/2019 15:57

Get it done and change your hairstyle dramaticaly. Get a fringe, a different colour or go for the chop.

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 17/12/2019 15:58

Pressed 'Post Message' too soon. people will only notice the hair.

WorraLiberty · 17/12/2019 15:58

Unfortunately if there are strong religious proscriptions against non-essential surgery, OP will not find that easy to do.

Well it'd be pretty farcical to lie as I'm pretty sure there are strong religious proscriptions against that too.

Also, there's a real chance not many people will care.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/12/2019 16:00

Own it OP.
You've saved hard for this and all for very good reasons.
Bit like a beer belly - 'Yep, all bought and payed for'
Get it done and be happy.

separatebeds · 17/12/2019 16:03

If you truly cannot just say that you have hated your nose your entire life, so much so, that you saved up to do something about it, then YANBU to make up a little lie about needing an operation to sort out a
breathing problem that was going to cause you great problems in later life.

Good luck with the op and I hope you love your new nose.

BrigidSt · 17/12/2019 16:04

I had a deviated septum, couldn't breath through my nose. Plus a bromen nose, visibly wonky on my face from an accident in childhood. Had that sorted surgically and the surgeon slightly changed the shape of my nose profile at the same time. A big family nose, but I still look related to my family. I'm glad I had it done. You don't need to tell anyone anything. Everyone I assumed I'd had it done as cosmetic surgery, I didn't. Any surgery carries risks, it has helped my self esteem but I often look at old photos and feel sad for that younger me, who thought she needed surgery to feel better. As I age I have higher self esteem. I would still have the surgery, both kinds, but I think now I looked just fine. I now look at other parts of my body and wonder about surgery, but it isn't a magic answer and I don't ever want any more. Its brutal.

BrigidSt · 17/12/2019 16:04

Broken typo.

milliefiori · 17/12/2019 16:05

If anyone asks, say you needed surgery on your nose. No need to expand. If they are pushy, just say, 'I don't want to discuss it, sorry.' It's no-one's business but yours. FWIW, I had terrible teeth and had cosmetic treatment on them. It really increased my social confidence and happiness. It can be well worth doing for psychological reasons, not just vanity.

messolini9 · 17/12/2019 16:06

I have a DS, so would need to tell exDH

No, you don't.
You don't need to lie either.
Just not mention it, & brush it off as per PP above, if he notices & comments.

Excellent advice about new glasses/haircut/lipstick/whatever, as well from PPs.

You don't need to pre-empt by telling ANYONE up front what your plans are. I suspect that your feeling that you must stems from anxiety based on comments about not being "allowed". So one final time I am gonna nag you OP - work on the INSIDE of you as hard as the outside & make sure you have a course of therapy to complement your procedure.

Jellybeansincognito · 17/12/2019 16:06

You’ll just find something else to be unhappy about.

Jellybeansincognito · 17/12/2019 16:08

If you really desperately wanted this done- you wouldn’t care what other people thought.

It makes me question whether your nose is really the issue? Or just what others think in general?

^ is what I’m trying to get at with my last comment.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/12/2019 16:09

That is not you spell PAID!!!!
Sorry

Orangepancakes · 17/12/2019 16:13

You could just play ignorant and pretend that you don't know what they're talking about. Just deny all knowledge of your different nose Grin

Notodontidae · 17/12/2019 16:13

Lots of people have funny-shaped noses, Stephen Fry has a crooked nose, and looks quite likable with it. I would be more concerned if it changed. Michael Jackson wrecked his nose, and everyone loved Barbara Striesand's nose, yes people made fun of Barbara and Barry Manilow's nose, but odly enough we get used to it. It didn't stop you dating, but I guess youv'e thought long and hard about it. I wish you good luck,. I dont see any reason to lie, you've told your colleagues and it's a free world. I still look at purple hair with a certain amount of surprise. YANBU, but I prefer honesty.

Orangepancakes · 17/12/2019 16:15

jellybeans

Total bollocks. I hated my boobs so saved and had a boob job. Now I love my body and no longer have any insecurities.

BruceAndNosh · 17/12/2019 16:25

OP- i had a "secret" nose job done years ago.
I only told one member of my family (so they could be next of kin on hosital notes), my flatmates, and HR at work to get some time off.
I think my old nose was dreadful, very pronounced Roman profile and droopy tip. Frankly I could have dressed up as a Witch for halloween with minimal makeup!
My new nose is very normal looking and you would never know I wasn't born with it.
To me, the change is / was massive. I thought it was obvious to everyone.
I was advised to make another change to my appearance at the same time if I didn't want to explain to explain to work contacts. So I wore glasses for a couple of weeks when meeting exisiting clients (these also hid the residual bruising).
I changed my hair at the same time, so people thought I looked different because of that.

I was amazed at how few people honestly noticed. When I told close friends I'd had my nose done, they went "oh yes, it DOES look different by I didn't notice"

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