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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My ex has a new partner and she allows this?

144 replies

whatamigoingtodo789 · 16/12/2019 19:41

So me and my ex split up. We have 2 kids together a 10 year old boy and 6 year old girl.

The ex has a new partner, approx 6 months into the relationship now. Not quite moved in yet together but spending quite a few nights at the ex's house each week.

I have always been protective of my kids when travelling in mine or other peoples cars.

The nan (mum of the ex) is on quite a lot of medication. Takes around 20 tablets a day. Maybe more. Have always restricted their travelling with her to a 2 mile trip on a 30mph road where its down to a supermarket and the roads are not really busy. They use my car seats whilst they do travel in her vehicle.

Wherever possible I drive them to their destination if meeting up with school friends after having invites to parties etc.

The ex may have gone along with this while we were in a relationship just for my sake.

As it now turns out they now travel back and forth over a 30 mile journey each way to visit friends and family in their nans car. Nan driving with the ex and 2 kids in the car. With car seats.

The problem is the new partner of the ex, only has a 3 seater vehicle. Its like a car with 3 seats in the front and then van part in the rear. Not like a transit size vehicle. Like an estate car. Like a citroen dispatch - the smaller type.

The new partner has apparently picked up the kids from their school or taken them to school in the said vehicle WITH NO CAR SEATS. Yes the journey is less than a mile each way. But my kids are 10 and 6. The 10 year old is still under the minimum height.

I do not know if there is an airbag in the passenger side so that would be a concern as well. I believe kids are meant to be in the rear of vehicles when passenger airbag is active.

What happens if this becomes a regular thing and then they will be doing the 30 mile journey to family/friends next?

Do I say anything to the ex or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Wildorchidz · 16/12/2019 22:10

My mum didn’t have seat belts in her car

So what? Does that mean you would travel with her ? Or allow your young children to travel with her?

BillieEilish · 16/12/2019 22:13

My DD is a sinny 11 and a half exactly. She would look ridiculous in a car seat and is TOTALLY average.

However, she would never be in the front.

They should walk anyway.

BillieEilish · 16/12/2019 22:14

skinny

sauvignonblancplz · 16/12/2019 22:20

@Wildorchidz
I’m saying it’s not the end of the world- for a random journey of less than a mile I would let it be.

Lizzie0869 · 16/12/2019 22:27

My mum didn’t have seat belts in her car

So what? Does that mean you would travel with her ? Or allow your young children to travel with her?

That has sod all to do with this debate. When I was growing up, there were no seatbelts for the back seats at all. I can't imagine that any right thinking adult would think it a good idea these days.

dementedpixie · 16/12/2019 22:27

Lots of accidents happen on short journeys. Not being in a car seat in the front of a vehicle would make the consequences more dangerous

messolini9 · 16/12/2019 22:29

My DD didn't need a car seat since 9.

That's great. The OP, however, is discussing her kids, who are ten & SIX.

Wildorchidz · 16/12/2019 22:32

Statistics re fatalities and non wearing of seatbelts

The proportion of car occupants killed while not wearing a seatbelt has reached its highest level in Britain since records began, the latest figures show.
More than a quarter (27%) of the 787 car occupants killed in crashes on Britain’s roads in 2017 were not wearing a seltbelt, according to Department for Transport (DfT) data.
In total 1,793 people were killed on Britain’s roads in 2017, a similar number to the year before and fractionally lower than the 2010-14 average of 1,799.
However, the proportion of those killed who were not wearing a seatbelt has spiked sharply, with campaigners saying progress on road safety had stalled.

messolini9 · 16/12/2019 22:35

A 10 year old DOES NOT need a car seat!

Don't be daft. I have a wee chum who is 11, & still needs her booster when I drive her about. What you mean, @BillieEilish, is that YOUR 10 year old doesn't need a car seat.
But as the OP isnt posting about your child, but her own, I can't see how your increasingly didactic statements are helping?

sauvignonblancplz · 16/12/2019 22:38

Has the OP answered whether or not he has simply asked ... ? They have stated it hasn’t happened very often , what does that mean once /twice?
I’m not suggesting it’s ideal at all. There is risk involved in everything.
However the passion and downright incredulous attitudes that this is happening at all is quite comical.
Do none of you get a bus? Do you carry your car seats to the taxi?
Or do are your children too fancy for public transport.
Have a chat, and move on.
Wise up folks there are bigger problems in the world.

Tigger001 · 16/12/2019 22:42

Anyone advising for you leave the situation as is, because it is not normal to have a small child are morons. Their childs height is irrelevant.

You have clearly stated your children are below the height restriction for no seats, so the safety advice should be adhered to. I have a very small child and will probably be in one till hes 21 😁

Clearly remind your ex of the safety requirement and then report it if it continues.

I am not advising this but I would probably be at the gates a few random times and refuse my children to travel with him.

My childs safety comes 1st.

Nikki119891 · 16/12/2019 22:43

would u class being a full time mum a job ?? My partner calls me lazy cause I’m at home all day with our 1 yr old baby while he’s a work ? I cook I clean I wash the clothes i make sure the house I clean I take my other 2 kids to school everyday and pick them up from school I do the shopping I pay the bills I go to meeting etc appointments I’m always on my feet doing something ... he seems to think I sit on my bum and I’m lazy all day is this fair ??

sauvignonblancplz · 16/12/2019 22:44

Just checked the requirements - actually by law over a short distance for unexpected travel, ie bad weather a car seat isn’t required.

www.gov.uk/child-car-seats-the-rules/when-a-child-can-travel-without-a-car-seat

messolini9 · 16/12/2019 22:44

It’s bugging me but I can’t work out if the op is male or female... confused
They drink pints... tal about the ex with their partner owning a van... is it same sex couple I’m really confused....

Maybe I can help you out @Breastfeedingworries.

The OP is a concerned parent. His or her sex make no difference to the concerns she or he are posting about.
Pint drinking & van ownership are activities available to both sexes.
The sexual orientation of anyone posting here is precisely none of our business.

HTH.

sauvignonblancplz · 16/12/2019 22:46

@Tigger001
The OP has already stated this has only happened a couple of times... really you would report this and jeopardise creating a hostile environment ?

Tigger001 · 16/12/2019 22:49

Savignon it's not an unexpected journey, he collects them from school. If they are not willing to abide by the laws to protect the children yes I would report.

Would you deem it acceptable for them to drive home from the pub after too much drink as it's a one off and they only live a short distance away? No you would expect them to abide by the law.

Tigger001 · 16/12/2019 22:52

Yes I would report if it happened more than once and they then didnt put something in place for if it happened again.

It would be the ex and the partner creating a hostile environment by not protecting the children, I would just be calling them out on it.

sauvignonblancplz · 16/12/2019 22:53

No because that’s completely different and not the same thing at all.
Well I’ve missed the part where the OP states they are collected regularly, where is this said?
To be fair ... I still wouldn’t get my knickers in a twist over it . 0.8 of a mile, in a slow school traffic?
I’d be more annoyed they weren’t walking.
The kids are capable to walk on their own that far.

Tigger001 · 16/12/2019 22:54

There would be no bigger problem in the world, at that time, if something happened and my child was seriously hurt or worse

madcatladyforever · 16/12/2019 22:54

i certainly wasn't safe to drive when I was on a lot of medication including pain killers for various (now resolved) medical conditions.
I'd regularly react badly to my pills and fall asleep in the car so I stopped driving for a year. Depends what drugs you are on really, even blood pressure meds can knock you out.

Tigger001 · 16/12/2019 22:55

Sadly wether your underwear get in a twist or not we shouldn't get to choose which laws we follow and certainly not when it concerns our children.

Tigger001 · 16/12/2019 22:57

How is not the same thing?

Its choosing to break a law, relating to driving and safety, based on the distance of the journey as an excuse of probability of Injury?

Tigger001 · 16/12/2019 23:00

The op states in the post at 21.36 it's happened a few times, probably in very heavy rain.

sauvignonblancplz · 16/12/2019 23:00

Did you open the link- that directly shows you that you can legally drive without a car seat?
So actually the bf isn’t breaking the law?
Sure if the Op is so concerned why don’t they do the school run, problem solved

sauvignonblancplz · 16/12/2019 23:01

A few - does a few now equal regularly??
I don’t think so.
I stand by my statement.
Maybe relax your claw from around your pearls for a minute & see some sense.

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