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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My ex has a new partner and she allows this?

144 replies

whatamigoingtodo789 · 16/12/2019 19:41

So me and my ex split up. We have 2 kids together a 10 year old boy and 6 year old girl.

The ex has a new partner, approx 6 months into the relationship now. Not quite moved in yet together but spending quite a few nights at the ex's house each week.

I have always been protective of my kids when travelling in mine or other peoples cars.

The nan (mum of the ex) is on quite a lot of medication. Takes around 20 tablets a day. Maybe more. Have always restricted their travelling with her to a 2 mile trip on a 30mph road where its down to a supermarket and the roads are not really busy. They use my car seats whilst they do travel in her vehicle.

Wherever possible I drive them to their destination if meeting up with school friends after having invites to parties etc.

The ex may have gone along with this while we were in a relationship just for my sake.

As it now turns out they now travel back and forth over a 30 mile journey each way to visit friends and family in their nans car. Nan driving with the ex and 2 kids in the car. With car seats.

The problem is the new partner of the ex, only has a 3 seater vehicle. Its like a car with 3 seats in the front and then van part in the rear. Not like a transit size vehicle. Like an estate car. Like a citroen dispatch - the smaller type.

The new partner has apparently picked up the kids from their school or taken them to school in the said vehicle WITH NO CAR SEATS. Yes the journey is less than a mile each way. But my kids are 10 and 6. The 10 year old is still under the minimum height.

I do not know if there is an airbag in the passenger side so that would be a concern as well. I believe kids are meant to be in the rear of vehicles when passenger airbag is active.

What happens if this becomes a regular thing and then they will be doing the 30 mile journey to family/friends next?

Do I say anything to the ex or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Josephinebettany · 16/12/2019 20:17

An 11 year old couldn't be in a rear facing seat @Birthdaycakemondays

JKScot4 · 16/12/2019 20:18

@BillieEilish
Technically she wouldn’t be fined

My ex has a new partner and she allows this?

dementedpixie · 16/12/2019 20:19

It is not normal for a child to be in a car seat at 10/11, not at all

It is if they are under the height limit before age 12. You cant judge others by your own child's height at the same age

EmrysAtticus · 16/12/2019 20:20

Your niece must be incredibly small Birthday as extended rear facing seats only go up to 25kg which is about 6-7 years old. If she is that small then she does need extra protection whether that be rear facing or forward facing with a five point harness.

BillieEilish · 16/12/2019 20:20

I agree it must be worrying, but I must have a tall child (except she is totally average)

dementedpixie · 16/12/2019 20:20

They arent in the back seat, they are in the front. It is not an unexpected journey either

LL83 · 16/12/2019 20:21

My tiny 9 year old is 133cm. Shocked if any 10 year old is under 135cm is it worth checking?

ButtonandPickle19 · 16/12/2019 20:22

I think you’re being very controlling. What their Dad allows on his time is his choice, you can voice your disapproval and ask him not to but at the end of the day he is their father.

I also think it’s VU of you to be so controlling over who is allowed to drive them - why does tablets put the restriction of distance on? You realise that if a doctor has medically cleared someone to drive you are not more educated than they are on the side effects and concerns surrounding medications and using a car, right?

If you’re really bothered talk to your ex about it but if he doesn’t conform to your whim then I’m afraid that’s the man you chose to have children with and you have to trust his judgment.

ddl1 · 16/12/2019 20:26

They should definitely have car seats (if going by car at all; can't they walk this relatively short distance?)

They are breaking the law.

IdiotInDisguise · 16/12/2019 20:27

She is not responsible for your kids, your ex is. Any kid over 135cm doesn’t need a booster seat.

I feel your pain but apart of sending a booster seat for your 6 year old to use in gran’s car, I am not quite sure there is much else that you can do.

Purpleartichoke · 16/12/2019 20:28

Where I live, the 6 year old
Must legally be in a booster seat. The 10 year old there is no legal requirement. If it is a legal requirement where you are, I would remind the ex and if he balks, report it.

my 10 year old, nearly 11, is no where close to meeting the criteria for not needing a car seat and she is the 20th percentile for height, so small, but not ridiculously so. She will be in one for at least another year or two.

CountFosco · 16/12/2019 20:29

My tiny 11 year old (just about to turn 12) is 134cm tall. She is looking forward to her birthday! DH and I are not English and therefore are not tall. Worth pointing out that in much of Europe the limit is actually 150cm.

dementedpixie · 16/12/2019 20:30

They do use car seats in the nan's car. The issue is sitting in the front of a vehicle with no car seats which is illegal if both children are under 135cm

INeedNewShoes · 16/12/2019 20:32

To anyone of the 'why use a car seat when I'm alive despite not having had one when I was 10', are you aware that since the introduction of car seats by law and then with each advancement of the regulations that there has been a fall in the number of children killed in collisions?

Why wouldn't parents today choose the safest way to travel for their children?

Useful22 · 16/12/2019 20:32

Well I'm only 150, some people and hence some kids are short! Just quote the law at your ex, simple, and tell him if he does it again he will be reported

xyzandabc · 16/12/2019 20:35

For all those so shocked at a 10yr old in a car seat, it's not that rare, or at least it shouldn't be.

UK growth charts show at age 10, 135cm is approx 25th centile for height. At age 11 135cm is approx 9th centile for height. Boys and girls not that much difference.

So if everyone kept their child in a car seat until they were 135cm then roughly 1 in 4 would still be in a car seat on their 10th birthday, 1 in 10 on their 11th birthday.

Even after they hit 135cm I've kept mine in car seats until they actually out grow them. Around their 11th birthdays for my 2 eldest. The youngest is taller so he'll probably be 8 or 9 when he stops using one.

Looking at friends of my 7 yr old, way too many kids stop using car seats in the UK when they are still far to small to go without.

Tavannach · 16/12/2019 20:35

The most shocking part is they drive to go to school less than a mile away sorry

I agree.

The lack of car seats is surely illegal but if they have to drive I'd point that out before I reported it.

Original poster

whatamigoingtodo789 · 16/12/2019 20:37

thanks for all the replies.

the vehicle in question has no rear seats.

yes nan is cleared to drive but i am protective/over protective of them being in a car with her. there have been issues with her health that may/may not been reported to the doctor for the fear of her licence being taken away. i dont know all the specifics but when not driving the nan sleeps a lot and is very drowsy.

the 10 year old is about 10cm under the limit so has some way to go before officially allowed not to have a car seat.

OP posts:

Yetanotherwinter · 16/12/2019 20:41

@Stegosaurus1990 I can assure you it would be a problem if your child was killed by an airbag going on in their face, or was flung out of the car because they weren’t secured in the appropriate way.

@Wildorchidz this obsession is called being a responsible parent which the OP clearly is. The reason less kids are killed in accidents than there were years ago is because of safety measures. Why don’t we all just not bother wearing seatbelts at all, let’s not even secure our kids and whilst we’re at it we could all get pissed and drive. All these changes in the law are for the sake of safety. These measures save lives.

Lizzie0869 · 16/12/2019 20:42

Re the car seats, my DD1 (10) hasn't needed a car seat for the last year, as she's been over 135cm since then (she's tall for her age admittedly). So I'm surprised that your 10 year old is still below the minimum height, but if that's the case then YANBU.

I also have a DD2(7), and I wouldn't be happy about her not having a car seat. And I would worry about the air bag as well, though that's surely something you could bring up as a concern without it causing unnecessary drama?

About the medication, it depends what it is. If the nan has declared all of it to the DVLA and she's still declared fit to drive, then it does sound like you're being OTT there.

Yetanotherwinter · 16/12/2019 20:43

@whatamigoingtodo789 if the nan is on loads of meds that make her drowsy she shouldn’t even be driving. She’s breaking the law not to mention putting other road users at risk.

Original poster

whatamigoingtodo789 · 16/12/2019 20:44

ive seen videos of the difference of kids being in proper car seats at the age of 10 with side protection and those just using booster seats and it opens your eyes up to what damage can be caused by a car travelling at 30 mph and hitting the side of the car.

its quite shocking and certainly left a lasting impression on me of me wanting to keep my kids safe as possible for as long as possible.

so if that makes me over protective then i am at fault.

OP posts:

BillieEilish · 16/12/2019 20:45

Of course you are protective, you have a right to be and I would be the same.

Poor OP.

Just saying that my DD must be taller than I thought!

FredaNerkk · 16/12/2019 20:46

Ignore people who say that you take steps to control a dangerous, illegal situation (repeated failing to use carseats for children under 135cm), that puts your children at risk. There are steps you can take.

Show your ex- a website explaining the law.
Propose to him by email that you both give the other an undertaking (ie a promise) that you will ensure that any person driving your child while they are in your care will use a high-backed car seat, unless the journey is (a) an emergency or (b) less than 2 miles and unforeseen and less than 30 mph, or (c) in a taxi and there is no car seat available and less than 30 mph.

If he won't sign the undertaking and you have reason to believe that the behaviour will continue, then maybe you say that until he signs there will be no visits.

If he says that he will take you to court, say fine, he can explain to the court why he won't sign the mutual undertaking, and you will seek a Prohibited Steps Order. Wait and see what happens. He should realise that it is a lot easier for him to sign the mutual undertaking, and observe it than go to court to complain about your actions.

After he misses some time with the children, you could give him a chance. Your children are old enough to tell you what is happening and also to understand the importance of safety in cars.

(Unless you have good evidence that the medication affects Nan's ability to drive safely then I think YABU to insist that she not drive the DCs.)

Yetanotherwinter · 16/12/2019 20:47

@IdiotInDisguise the driver is responsible for the passengers complying with the law, if they are children. If the children aren’t secured in a legal manner then the driver can be prosecuted not the parent.

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