To be confused and upset about this situation with my family and Christmas presents

[Macnabber]

I have a really distant relationship with my parents. My mum had a drinking problem when i grew up and was very violent and unpredictable. I was the oldest so bore the brunt of it. Have some terrible memories including her trying to smash my bedroom door down with a knife, waking up to see her cutting up my favourite dress with scissors. She hit me a lot. Really awful things.

Fast forward 40 years and i talk to her and we have a semblance of an ok if distant relationship. She doesn't ever visit me (2 hours away). She doesn't drink any more.

My younger sister has a drink problem and some mental health issues, as do my brothers. I've spent many years looking after them and supporting them. For the last 20 years I've been married to my dh and have two fab kids. I have a lovely home life with no arguments and a calm and loving atmosphere.

This year my sister has hit rock bottom and I've spent many hours helping her to sort her life and find some temporary accommodation for her and her dd.

This is all background to the problem i have. We are quite strapped for cash this Christmas as one of our dcs has gone to uni and its been expensive among other things and I spoke to my mum and said would she mind if we only did presents for the kids this year not adults. She seemed fine about it. I have bought my niece and nephews nice presents but nothing for adults.

Yesterday I got a Christmas card in the post from my parents with no messge, just their names. Nothing for the dcs, so clearly making a point. Then tonight my brother rang me and said he wanted to discuss how much i had upset my parents by not buying them anything for Christmas. He said they "lived" for presents from me and I'd ruined their Christmas.

I'm afraid to say i put the phone down on him.

He's since texted me quite nasty texts.

I'm 54! Please someone tell me IABU? I know it's impossible to get all the detail across. I sometimes wish I could cut myself off from my parents and siblings as they never add anything positive to my lives and are obsessed with the fact that we have money and a happy life.

Just wanted to chime in so I wasn’t reading and running. OP, you are so brave, not only doing what you are doing and standing up for yourself and the family you have created, but also for posting here.

I’m another one with an abusive upbringing: a drunk father and a mother who shows many narcissistic qualities. It took me a good few years of therapy and a very loving, patient husband to start to feel better about who I am. I’m on low contact with mine, and I never tell them anything about myself that means something to me. It’s all small talk. And it feels amazing.

What’s more, I’m finally clawing back some of the parts they took away from me when I was younger, and doing the things I love to do. I’m back studying a subject they utterly disapproved of when I was younger, but I have always loved, and you know what? All those times they told me I’d be utterly crap at it, they were wrong. Turns out I’m pretty good.

Anyway, I wanted to thank you for starting this thread and for sharing your story. Some amazing women have posted here and I’ve added the book recs to my reading list, I’ve opened the links, and I’m looking forward to reading the stately home thread.

Thank you for reminding me to keep being strong, and I truly hope you find it in you to believe in yourself and how brilliantly you have done. :)

OP, you sound like an amazing survivor of a terribly abusive childhood.

Congratulations on successfully raising a great family.
Your husband chose well in you.

Perhaps now is the time, after being so kind and supportive for your whole life, to do something for yourself, that will also benefit your family.

Back away from these truly awful people.

Make 2020 the beginning of a peaceful, happy chapter in your life.

You deserve this.
You really do.
You have done more than enough for these thankless, awful people.
Block the lot of them.
Don't look back.
You so deserve peace in your life.
💐💐

So what are all these lovely people buying for you?

They sound absolutely awful. Your childhood sounds heartbreaking I hope you’re very proud of the positive, loving life you have built.

They are toxic, and they are wrong. Stick to your boundaries.

the counsellor was amazed that I had any idea what a loving normal parenting was
Yes. You are amazing not just to have come through this, but to come through with your capacity to love undamaged.

I hear and appreciate all the lovely things you are saying but can't quite believe them.
This will get easier to believe. Not all the time, & anyway there is nothing wrong with a little modesty - but with time & expert assistance, you will perceive the enormity of your journey & the quality of your backbone.

I am going to try and find a counsellor in the NY as the memories are coming thick and fast at the moment and I'm beginning to scare myself.
You have just had some horrible triggering experiences at the hands of the latest flying monkey & this is entirely understandable. So there is no need to be scared - you are not about to lose your mind, you are simply processing the lastest nonsense from DB - but also reaching the realisation that it is time to change the stale old painful dynamic by erecting some different & much stronger boundaries.

The priority right now is No Contact while you enjoy xmas with your kids & DH. Next year, with expert guidance, is time enough to begin the next stage of your process. For now, please be gentle on yourself & stay mindful that in order to look after your little family, you must first look after you - & (if you are not choosing to do the NC over xmas option) that means staying closed & Grey Rock to any contact from your birth family.

Congratulations, mum "an asset to the class and a credit to her family"

Turns out I’m pretty good.

Congratulations to you too @Writersblock2, & all the splendid sisters who have put so much of themselves on here to help the OP.
It's heartening to read so much support & genuine good feeling.

(& yeah, anyone reading between the lines of my own PP's - Been There Done That.
To anyone still mid-journey - not that any of us ever finish 'The Work' or expect to be a 'cure' ...it gets better ... every year further on from Toxic Ridiculousness is a win for emotional honesty, freedom & self-determination.

Merry Christmas all

Macnabber - if your shut-away memories are starting to come through thick and fast, now is exactly the right time to seek help with them - you've probably had them locked away in a black box buried in a deep hole under a heavy rock, yet now, they're seeping out which means that you have less "work" to do to unearth and deal with them.

I know it's scary but it is still a very good time to bring it all out and hopefully the right therapist will help you deal with it in an appropriate manner and free you from the shackles these memories have had on you.

And cut the abusive bastards off completely, if that works for you.

Thanks all. I think I've cracked. Dh arranged to meet some friends at 6 but got back from work at 4 and sat on the sofa watching tv with the dds. By the time I'd cooked, cleaned the kitchen and gone to feed the horses it was 5.45 so I would have had no time for a shower or to put any make up on. I got really cross and stomped up to bed. Dh has gone without me. I just want to cry and cry. I'm fed up with being treated like a mug!

My parents sent dd a birthday card today, again with just "from granny and grandpa", dd said "why havent they put love?". I feel like i hate them right now.

OP, so sorry you are feeling so miserable.

Is your DH usually so selfish and lazy to allow you do all the running around when ye are supposed to be going out?

Certainly doesn't sound kind or fair.

Unfortunately we can give you all the advice in the world on MN but if you keep allowing people to treat you badly, things won't change for you.

Change is difficult but you so deserve some kindness and peace in your life.

You need to have a very firm word with your husband.

You have to believe you deserve kindness and respect.
💐💐

Devil's advocate - maybe if your daughter is at university, your mother considers her to be an adult rather than a child?

Best thing to do is minimise contact & move on.

Hi all.

I didn't ring my parents on xmas day and in fact haven't rung them so far. They haven't rung me either. I texted my sister to wish her happy Christmas. My dds messaged her to say thank you for their presents. I feel as though i should call my parents but I also don't want to speak to them. They did send dd a birthday ten pound note but with no messge in the card or 'love from', just 'from granny and grandpa'. I have sent my dad a birthday present (his birthday is in a week).

Can't believe this ridiculous situation all because I wanted a xmas off buying adult presents. My car cost 1200 to fix just before xmas, so money has been tight. When my sister's car broke down my parents gave her money to fix it!

Anyway my own family had a lovely Christmas. I feel exhausted now though.

It sounds like they view you as some sort of cash cow!

God knows! It's so weird. I didn't even know I'd fallen out with them over it.

My dsis was also odd on xmas eve, texting me to say thank you so much for her dds gift, she was so excited to open it and be able to buy herself a guitar. I sent £40. I felt completely paranoid that she was expecting enough to buy a guitar!