To be confused and upset about this situation with my family and Christmas presents

[Macnabber]

I have a really distant relationship with my parents. My mum had a drinking problem when i grew up and was very violent and unpredictable. I was the oldest so bore the brunt of it. Have some terrible memories including her trying to smash my bedroom door down with a knife, waking up to see her cutting up my favourite dress with scissors. She hit me a lot. Really awful things.

Fast forward 40 years and i talk to her and we have a semblance of an ok if distant relationship. She doesn't ever visit me (2 hours away). She doesn't drink any more.

My younger sister has a drink problem and some mental health issues, as do my brothers. I've spent many years looking after them and supporting them. For the last 20 years I've been married to my dh and have two fab kids. I have a lovely home life with no arguments and a calm and loving atmosphere.

This year my sister has hit rock bottom and I've spent many hours helping her to sort her life and find some temporary accommodation for her and her dd.

This is all background to the problem i have. We are quite strapped for cash this Christmas as one of our dcs has gone to uni and its been expensive among other things and I spoke to my mum and said would she mind if we only did presents for the kids this year not adults. She seemed fine about it. I have bought my niece and nephews nice presents but nothing for adults.

Yesterday I got a Christmas card in the post from my parents with no messge, just their names. Nothing for the dcs, so clearly making a point. Then tonight my brother rang me and said he wanted to discuss how much i had upset my parents by not buying them anything for Christmas. He said they "lived" for presents from me and I'd ruined their Christmas.

I'm afraid to say i put the phone down on him.

He's since texted me quite nasty texts.

I'm 54! Please someone tell me IABU? I know it's impossible to get all the detail across. I sometimes wish I could cut myself off from my parents and siblings as they never add anything positive to my lives and are obsessed with the fact that we have money and a happy life.

Well done for reaching this point. It takes time to get there. My mother is very emotionally immature, as was my father. What I have learnt is I became the scapegoat because I’m the emotionally strong one. It sounds as though you are too. My mother trained me from a baby to be the emotional crutch she needed to satisfy her needs. For years and perhaps even to my 40’s I ran her voice in my head on tape.

I also know well the thing about presents. Whatever I gave was not good enough yet she would fawn over the cheap pot plant from my brother / wife. I am nc from my brother, who is violent with me. My mother denies this, blames me and maintains I bullied him as a child. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I know that she will never be the mother I needed. I have made peace with this. I have taken the decision to continue contact with her and she is a good enough grandmother. I do have to monitor her and have had to put boundaries in place.

I had about 3 years of good quality therapy to get to this point. In the past I had different types of counselling but nothing really hit the mark.

Sorry I’ve just realised that sounded all about me. It’s just you’ve had some really great advice and I just was sharing my experience.

How awful. YANBU and well done for overcoming your difficult childhood and going on to make a happy family. Concentrate on them. You did the right thing.

Any adult who makes a fuss about not getting a present still has some growing up to do. Whatever the circumstances. A gift is a gift, freely given without obligation or expectation.

In our family we buy for the children except for where they have no children in which case we get something for the adult instead. This makes it fairer as that adult may give lots of presents and get nothing in return.

I had this weird situation where i was putting 10 in a card for db1, who lives with my parents who i never see. When i used to visit he was quite often out. When he got to 31 (!) and i hadn't seen or heard from him for a few years I decided to stop putting the 10 in. My mum AND dad got really cross and angry. I then carried on for a few years but this year i haven't done it. He's 38 fgs and i literally never see him.

It's all so bloody weird. I hate the fact that I don't have any normal family. I always wonder if dh regrets marrying me sometimes. His family are completely conventional, generous and good mannered. I feel ashamed sometimes.

Did you brother get you/your dc anything? If not, then he shouldn't expect anything back

You must have the patience of a saint, I’d have cut them off years ago. Throwing a book in your face as a child, the woman is monstrous!

You're doing great. Boundaries boundaries boundaries.

Sorry I’ve just realised that sounded all about me.

Oh bless your cottons - it is ok to share your experiences you know

I feel ashamed sometimes.

What? That FOG crap can get in the bin. You should be proud, PROUD I tell you - it is testament to you that you emerged from that burning building of a childhood as a thoughtful, caring person. YOU got that first class degree, all by yourself. You're awe-inspiring, don't let people with disordered thinking let you see yourself as anything else.

You are being so sensible and have done all the right things discussing the present situation, not getting into unnecessary debt and being there for your sister when none of the rest of them could obviously help.

You look after you and your immediate family and try and minimise contact with people who, if not related to, you would not be drawn to at all and would in fact avoid like the plague.

Sorry I’ve just realised that sounded all about me.

It truly didn't, @Mummyoflittledragon.
It sounded like a wise PP giving the benefit of her own experience & hindsight, & giving comfort & reassurance to an OP who needs to see what is possible, & what the most positive outcome is likely to be for her own situation.

It's all so bloody weird. I hate the fact that I don't have any normal family.
& yet here you are, despite all the awful childhood experiences & toxic familial role modelling - a woman who HAS created her own 'normal family', & from what you have written about your DH & kids, has done so brilliantly.

I always wonder if dh regrets marrying me sometimes.
Of course he bloody doesn't! Your birth family ... meh, probably.
But he married you, the clever one, the coper, the survivor.
The young woman who took a First despite all the conflict & emotional angst & I imagine zero support from birth family.

His family are completely conventional, generous and good mannered.
'Birds of a feather flock together' - guess what, so are you Macnabber.

I feel ashamed sometimes.
My dear fellow survivor, another lovely thing you are going to learn on your next therapy journey is that shame belongs with the abuser, not the abused.
Please bring this feeling up with your therapist, & here's some holiday reading ;)

• psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-toxic-shame/

Thanks Worry and messolini. Sometimes I still doubt myself.

The thing about your family and your past is that you cannot change it or change them. Their behaviour is theirs alone to own. You’re a survivor and went through some pretty horrific abuse. You should not feel embarrassed about how they behave. I also used to feel this way. These days I eye roll and piss take. It’s really refreshing if you can get to this point.

You have now created your own family and you can create your own family traditions and legacy. For abuse survivors I do think the adage what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger rings true. Well done for stopping giving to your brother.

Just the fact of sending your adult brother £10 in a card for Christmas is not really normal. It puts him in a position of child and you as adult. And it was your parents who got cross when you stopped. That should tell you something about them and your brother.

You were not wrong to stop btw.

Thank you. It's quite hard to come to terms with the fact that I probably was abused. Mentally and physically. I won't go into any more detail as it mught be upsetting, but I was a thoughtful, clever child and spent a lot of my childhood frightened. Luckily I knew my situation wasn't right and couldn't wait to get away. When I had my third lot of counselling after the birth of my first dd, the counsellor was amazed that I had any idea what a loving normal parenting was.

I hear and appreciate all the lovely things you are saying but can't quite believe them.

I am going to try and find a counsellor in the NY as the memories are coming thick and fast at the moment and I'm beginning to scare myself. Thank you all.

Would it help to write things down? Might take the pressure off over Christmas.
What about a text to say you're struggling so you're just concentrating on your dh and dc this Christmas.
Then block for a while.

I've never wanted to write down some of the things that happened because I don't think i could bear seeing it in black and white.

But I did want to share with you that my dd got her school report today and one of the teachers had written that she was "an asset to the class and a credit to her family". That meant an unbelievable amount. I had to struggle to hold back the tears when she showed me. After yesterday it was a lovely thing to hear.

Macnabber That's lovely. She sounds like a wonderful girl and that's down to you

Ahh that's lovely about you dd- let those tears flow! Sounds like you have well and truly broken that cycle, well done!

That’s lovely about your DD. What a fabulous family you have made with your DH.

She is a narcissist, drink or not. It won't change. I feel so sorry for you and I agree no contact would probably do you the world of good.

You’ve had lots of good advice but just to confirm to you again, it is a completely normal and rational thing to suggest to only buy children’s presents when money is tight. I have very helpful and loving parents and we don’t buy each other presents, now there are children to buy for. It really is not a big deal. You are being treated badly; you get out what you put into a relationship and maybe it is time to look after yourself and the lovely family you have created.