To be confused and upset about this situation with my family and Christmas presents

[Macnabber]

I have a really distant relationship with my parents. My mum had a drinking problem when i grew up and was very violent and unpredictable. I was the oldest so bore the brunt of it. Have some terrible memories including her trying to smash my bedroom door down with a knife, waking up to see her cutting up my favourite dress with scissors. She hit me a lot. Really awful things.

Fast forward 40 years and i talk to her and we have a semblance of an ok if distant relationship. She doesn't ever visit me (2 hours away). She doesn't drink any more.

My younger sister has a drink problem and some mental health issues, as do my brothers. I've spent many years looking after them and supporting them. For the last 20 years I've been married to my dh and have two fab kids. I have a lovely home life with no arguments and a calm and loving atmosphere.

This year my sister has hit rock bottom and I've spent many hours helping her to sort her life and find some temporary accommodation for her and her dd.

This is all background to the problem i have. We are quite strapped for cash this Christmas as one of our dcs has gone to uni and its been expensive among other things and I spoke to my mum and said would she mind if we only did presents for the kids this year not adults. She seemed fine about it. I have bought my niece and nephews nice presents but nothing for adults.

Yesterday I got a Christmas card in the post from my parents with no messge, just their names. Nothing for the dcs, so clearly making a point. Then tonight my brother rang me and said he wanted to discuss how much i had upset my parents by not buying them anything for Christmas. He said they "lived" for presents from me and I'd ruined their Christmas.

I'm afraid to say i put the phone down on him.

He's since texted me quite nasty texts.

I'm 54! Please someone tell me IABU? I know it's impossible to get all the detail across. I sometimes wish I could cut myself off from my parents and siblings as they never add anything positive to my lives and are obsessed with the fact that we have money and a happy life.

You poor thing. I would seriously advise you to go NC with the entire lot of them. You have a life to live and you are wasting it on these assshole relatives who expect far too much from you. Block them all, turn your focus to your Dh and kids. Take time over Christmas to relax with them, spend quality time as a family and keep the door firmly shut on your parents and siblings. Go for more counselling to help you believe that you are worth way more than those awful people give you credit for.

I'm so tired of carrying this around with me. It's like a big black cloud that's always there. It's just horrible.

That's what mine were. Not a family. Just a big black cloud.

You HAVE to let it go, let them go.

Block them all for now.

If they would turn up and cause trouble before Xmas, I'd write a cathartic letter to those who would (probably your 'brother') and let rip.

They won't actually listen (though you know, a couple of things will hit home even though he'd never admit that in a million years) but the sheer shock of you letting RIP will get them to back off... telling them in no uncertain terms to fuck off OUT of your life, you've given all you can in the face of nothing but dysfunction, petty shit and a crap childhood and you can honestly say in the wake of this latest nonsense that you are done. You neither like nor love them, they aren't family and please just go away.

It is time to put yourself first and take care of yourself. Have a lovely Christmas with your husband and children.

Sometimes standing up for yourself is really worth it.

I’m in my early 60’s and for the first time ever gave my mum a blast down the phone which she really did ask for. It was in response to her being awkward about my dd’s wedding invites. Protecting your children gives you the strength you need to deal with parents. I wish I’d done it years ago. She has been much more amenable since.

Op, ask yourself why you think that you are the only one who deserves to be treated like this. It’s ok for your brother to swear and rant at you, but not for you to do it back..why? It’s ok for your “mother” to upset and criticise you, but you can’t do the same to her...why? It’s ok for you to run your arse off looking after your sister, but you can’t ask for any help in return...why?

Is this the life and future you want to be modelling for your young adult children?

I would disengage until after Christmas. Text them saying ‘I’ve tried to do right by everyone but no one seems to be satisfied and and it’s starting to get to me so I’m going to take a break until new year. Hope you all have a good Christmas.’ And then block their numbers. Let them text and vent and moan - you won’t have to look at it. When you feel ready, unblock them, but get your DH or a trusted friend to immediately delete any unread messages. And if you don’t feel ready for a few months that’s fair enough.

It’s probably the 21st century equivalent of putting your fingers in your ears and singing ‘la la la, I can’t hear you’ and we all know how satisfying that could be.

Sounds as if you're always waiting for the big excuse to cut contact, then you second guess yourself due to the dysfunctional relationship you have with your family.
That excuse has come and gone so many times.
No contact is really the only thing that will work to give you peace.

OP, I just wanted to send you congratulations for breaking the cycle of abuse and creating a loving home for your DC. This is not easy to do - you have achieved something amazing! Well done

Try not to let your horrible mother continue to spoil things for you.

YANBU for so many reasons....!
Even if you put all the background emotion to one side and just look at the facts. You asked your mum of it would be ok and she was fine with it.
Don’t let them spoil your Christmas with this nasty behaviour, you have done nothing wrong!!!

Of course yanbu. They sound toxic, steer well clear from the lot of them

@Macnabber the stately homes thread is one where children of shitty / toxic parents chat - it was titled that as one set of parents said "we weren't bad parents if we took you to stately homes".

I'm very low contact with my mum - not spoken in 5 yrs, but exchange presents at Xmas & birthdays. She's a toxic narcissist - I just had enough after one shitty episode, emailed her & she's never apologised or acknowledged it to this day.

I'm NC with my dad for 31 years. He's just a useless absent dad.

What is the stately homes thread?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3751057-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-November-2019-onwards-thread

Many Adults and parents are just buying for the children this year, it does seem like your parents are still acting like 5YO, although the real reason could be something unrelated, like they feel guilty, or not enough contact or love from you or your family. They may be detached from the cost of Uni and drains on income. I quite understand how you feel, and with all you've gone through, I would find it almost impossible to forgive. YANBU

Well, she seems delightful! You don't owe her or your siblings anything just because you're the eldest. You're definitely not being unreasonable!!!

Well done for having a turbulent awful childhood and gaining a 1st that's brilliant! You have helped all year with your sisters problems by the sound of it your parents have been no help with her and what thanks have you had from anyone for that!? Your daughter going to uni has put a big dent in your financial situation why should you have more financial stress by buying any of them presents when you have been treated so appallingly by all of them. Don't feel pressurised by your brother, apart from the fact lots of families just buy for the DC your parents deserve bugger all !

OP maybe go back to the counselling. They are so toxic. All of them. Your 'mother's doesn't even deserve any sort of contact from you let alone presents.
The mistake you are making is asking their opinion. You should tell them that there will be no gifts, not be asking.
Can you imagine doing any of the abusive behavior to your own children? If you cant why do you accept it for yourself? By accept, I mean have any contact where they are able to abuse you further?

Give yourself the best Christmas present you deserve and have a quiet, relaxing Christmas just yourself, DH and kids - give your attention and energy to those who deserve it and who love you I return, cut and/or minimise contact with any CF family.

The fact your mother supposedly "lives for your presents" but returns them every year? Just in it for the money you spend on her it seems!. Mature adults don't respond to an adult conversation about only buying children presents due to financial constraints like that by throwing tantys to siblings behind your back and passive aggressive Christmas card. Oh if if "darling" brother thinks it's such a big issue parents aren't getting presents - he can step up to the plate!
Apart from darling niece (who if she's a child in a sh*t situation & deserves your help if you can give it), sod the lot of them - they are all adults and you are not responsible for them in any way!
You are NOT in any way being unreasonable! You have been the family doormat for too long, giving & giving to the point it's now expected of you.
Merry Christmas OP!

I can hardly believe how horrible your parents are behaving towards you. If my kids were strapped for cash I would be begging them not to bother with any presents for us. They are not at all strapped and I have still asked them only to buy inexpensive presents.

Distance yourself from this selfish gang. .

@ihatethecold thanks for your reply

Don't know if you realised, there is also a sequel to that book by the same author "Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents: Practical Tools to Establish Boundaries and Reclaim Your Emotional Autonomy"

has good reviews

You poor thing.

Try not to get angry with any of them again, grey rock all the way.

Mature people don't 'live' for presents, your brother knows this, he's being manipulative and greedy.

Pop yourself onto outofthefog.com and find your tribe of people.

They're awful. They won't change. It's is SOOOOOO not you.

Cut them all off.

Enjoy Christmas and new year with your family and make 2020 be year you take back control not to allow toxic people to have any bearing on your life.

I hope that you have lovely Christmas this year with just your husband & kids, Op.

Adults getting in a strop about no presents?

That's really what Christmas is about, isn't it??!!

Don't have this OP. Have you heard of the concept of 'flying monkeys'? Your parents have recruited your brother as a flying monkey. It's very toxic, and fortunately you have recognised this.

It is so difficult when your family is dysfunctional. Your brother is putting your parents happiness on you and so too is your sister. You have to get them presents to be happy, you have to look after your sister to make her happy. Where are you in all this? Take care of yourself OP