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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused and upset about this situation with my family and Christmas presents

164 replies

Macnabber · 15/12/2019 22:42

I have a really distant relationship with my parents. My mum had a drinking problem when i grew up and was very violent and unpredictable. I was the oldest so bore the brunt of it. Have some terrible memories including her trying to smash my bedroom door down with a knife, waking up to see her cutting up my favourite dress with scissors. She hit me a lot. Really awful things.

Fast forward 40 years and i talk to her and we have a semblance of an ok if distant relationship. She doesn't ever visit me (2 hours away). She doesn't drink any more.

My younger sister has a drink problem and some mental health issues, as do my brothers. I've spent many years looking after them and supporting them. For the last 20 years I've been married to my dh and have two fab kids. I have a lovely home life with no arguments and a calm and loving atmosphere.

This year my sister has hit rock bottom and I've spent many hours helping her to sort her life and find some temporary accommodation for her and her dd.

This is all background to the problem i have. We are quite strapped for cash this Christmas as one of our dcs has gone to uni and its been expensive among other things and I spoke to my mum and said would she mind if we only did presents for the kids this year not adults. She seemed fine about it. I have bought my niece and nephews nice presents but nothing for adults.

Yesterday I got a Christmas card in the post from my parents with no messge, just their names. Nothing for the dcs, so clearly making a point. Then tonight my brother rang me and said he wanted to discuss how much i had upset my parents by not buying them anything for Christmas. He said they "lived" for presents from me and I'd ruined their Christmas.

I'm afraid to say i put the phone down on him.

He's since texted me quite nasty texts.

I'm 54! Please someone tell me IABU? I know it's impossible to get all the detail across. I sometimes wish I could cut myself off from my parents and siblings as they never add anything positive to my lives and are obsessed with the fact that we have money and a happy life.

OP posts:
VisionQuest · 15/12/2019 23:37

Honestly, that would be the end for me.

What the hell do these people add to your life apart from misery and upset?

You would be well within your rights to tell the lot of them to fuck off. Your mother sounds particularly vile.

Original poster
Macnabber · 15/12/2019 23:37

I've run out of steam, exactly. Thats how i feel.

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 15/12/2019 23:39

No you are not unreasonable and I would echo what PPS say about cutting contact.

You don't need this bunch of dysfunctional shits in your life. They add nothing to it and you owe then nothing.

Just get on with living your life with your own little family. Flowers

Daenerys77 · 15/12/2019 23:40

I sometimes wish I could cut myself off from my parents and siblings

Why can't you?

FizzyGreenWater · 15/12/2019 23:40

We'd had a good relationship before this

no, you didn't. You had a fake one, because he is too dysfunctional to know what a good one actually is. He would say right now you have a good relationship whilst at the same time texting you abuse, when any normal person would have called to 'ask what you said to Mum about presents as I'm sure she's got the wrong end of the stick.' Dysfunctional families can't be normal like that. It's drama and aggression as the default. So the happy lovey stuff is fake, just fake - there's nothing concrete behind it.

its the one time I've asked for "help"! Its sent them into meltdown.
Exactly.

OP seriously - go no contact. It's the best thing I ever did with relatives like this. I did it when I realised that this was my one go at being happy and having a life I felt relaxed in. I did it when I had my kids and it hit me that I could choose to have, and give them, a genuinely nice, peaceful family or I could let the crap seep right in and alwways be dragged down by it.

You are so lucky to have built a positive family. Walk away from them.

charlestonchaplin · 15/12/2019 23:40

If money is tight, by all means reduce your present-buying but don’t say, ‘I won’t buy for you, but of course I still expect you to buy for my children’. Ask them not to buy for your family at all, and treat themselves with whatever they would usually have spent on your family. Many grandparents would still buy presents for their grandchildren, whether because they want to or because they feel a sense of obligation, but at least you wouldn’t be being presumptious.

Many British children get far too many gifts and yet there is an unhappiness epidemic. More stuff isn’t what children need.

Original poster
Macnabber · 15/12/2019 23:43

Of course they don't have to buy anything for my kids. They don't know anything about them anyway, never ask.

OP posts:
gangsterwrapper · 15/12/2019 23:44

@Macnabber so you’re the parent in this family from what I can see and also the punching bag when things go wrong?

You can’t be everyone’s crutch and you can’t gain anything positive from toxic people. Living for your presents? That’s a bit much, and shows the levels of drama from their side.

You’ve done so well to change the cycle of behaviour you grew up with. Don’t be dragged back down by it. It’s hard, but set those boundaries and be firm. It’s the only way people like this learn that they are totally taking the piss!

wotsittoyou · 15/12/2019 23:50

I think I can relate to you. I'm also the daughter of an alcoholic.

Let me put this to you:

Imagine waking up one day to remember abusing your children in the same way your mum did. Now imagine how you would treat them going forward.

Would you stamp your feet like a brat when they didn't do exactly what you wanted? Badmouth them to other family members? Try to guilt-trip them/potentially ruin their Christmas?

No? That's because you are a decent person. Your mother isn't. You're a giver; she's a taker. For as long as you keep giving, she'll carry on taking - and it'll be to your detriment. Just as it is today.

Cut her off and look after yourself and the family you have created. You deserve peace and kindness, and you'll never get it with her.

Havaina · 15/12/2019 23:52

YANBU, if they had just sent the card and no presents, I
that would have been acceptable, but to complain to your brother and then for hom to abuse you is completely unacceptable.

Were you spending more on them than they spent on you?

IdblowJonSnow · 15/12/2019 23:54

Yanbu. Not sure they deserve to have you in their lives!
You've done nothing wrong and you sound lovely. Flowers

feelingfree17 · 16/12/2019 00:17

Stick to your guns. You are perfectly entitled to make the decisions you have regarding giving of presents, and too bad if they cannot accept. Refuse to get drawn in any more. You sound lovely, and sorry to read about your traumatic upbringing. You have clearly, along with your DH created a loving, stable home for your DC. Have a wonderful Christmas

Clevererthanyou · 16/12/2019 00:26

I strongly suspect that this is not about presents but more to do with your parents grabbing onto the no gifts for adults decision that you have made as an excuse to abuse you emotionally. It seems that your brother is going down the same road that they chose but this behaviour of theirs reflects who they are and certainly not you.
It was very telling when you said that you have a lovely calm home life, abusive people absolutely cannot stand this (I’ve never been able to work out why). I’m so glad you do have a stable home life, surround yourself with the love of your immediate family and try to begin the process of distancing yourself from those who seek to smash you down instead of building you up.

I’ve had 30 years of horrific abuse from all elements of my close family so I know what I’m talking about, I promise Brew

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/12/2019 00:31

As has been said, you've basically been cast in the parental role for your family in lieu of your actual parents.

As such, they all behave like immature twats and expect you to pick up the pieces and do everything for them, but not need anything in return.

Time to stop this nonsense now.

You are not their parent, you are the child - albeit an adult one now - and it's time to step away from the role they've put you in.

Stop any guilt feelings - you've done the best you can for years and years, but they aren't grateful, they just expect everything and give nothing. So save your energy for you and your immediate family - I bet you'll feel tons lighter in no time! Thanks

Chocmallows · 16/12/2019 00:35

Maybe it is time to let go of expecting them to understand, to care, to parent. See them as people. They can hold the name "mum and dad", but not be a mum and dad.

With all future communication imagine they are a neighbour complaining about their child that you do not know. E.g. they say "we're dissapointed", you say "that must be hard for you". I am doing this with my dad right now and I feel stronger for it.

You are not responsible for irresponsible adults and need to stop fixing their lives they will just wreck yours. Just be responsible for your DC.

Halo1234 · 16/12/2019 00:36

Yanbu. If your parents had your best interest at heart they simply wouldn't want u to spend money you dont have on a gift for them. So selfish. They should be proud to see u supporting a grandchild go to uni. Dont waste your time justifying it to them.

Jossina · 16/12/2019 00:37

You are not at all being unreasonable. They are. I'm sorry they're being so horrible and trying to ruin not only Christmas but the other 364 days of the year.

Pretenditsaplan · 16/12/2019 00:45

I completely agree that kids only presents makes sense. I also agree your brother was in the wrong. The only thing id say your wrong avmbiut is if youve said kids only and one of your kids is going to uni. They arnt kids anymore. I know its pretty arbitrary but for kids only presents i stop at 16. Because theyre old ebough to release id someones skint. So if your kids are over 16 i cant blame your parents for only sending a card theyre literally doing what you want. Your bil however seems like hes tryong to stir up some shit. Possibly because hes resentful hes getting nothing.

selmabear · 16/12/2019 00:51

YANBU OP your family on the other hand are being very unreasonable! Limit contact with them OP and enjoy your peaceful life with your lovely family.

Creepster · 16/12/2019 00:54

I am so sorry they did this to you.
It took me many painful years of second third and umpteenth chances to learn these simple words to live by: Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
I went no contact with my abusive family members and life is better for having done so.

Derbee · 16/12/2019 00:55

Firstly, congratulations on surviving a dysfunctional family in childhood, and managing to create a lovely family for yourself.

Enjoy your Christmas with your DH and DC, and fuck the others off.

Thinkingabout1t · 16/12/2019 00:58

I can only add my voice to all the others here — look after yourself and your own loving family, not the abusive chancers in your birth family!

FelixFelicis6 · 16/12/2019 01:00

You are carrying too much. Look after yourself and your own husband and kids. Sad to say they do not care about you, only themselves. It’s a shit situation but you can’t change things, they are who they are.

Redwallisanovel · 16/12/2019 01:05

Give yourself the Christmas gift of distance from these people.

They treat you appallingly.

eaglejulesk · 16/12/2019 01:15

YANBU. You have gone above and beyond what you owe your family. You have a husband and children of your own now and they are the important people in your life. I would try to have as little contact with others as is possible, and maybe it's time they stood on their own two feet. Your mother sounds a nightmare. I am unemployed at the moment and my father has told me, several times, I am not to spend money on him for Christmas.