Etiquette of using parents in law (grand parents) for child care after separation

[justbeingadad]

My stbxw and my parents are very close, and I don't expect things to significantly change there once we're actually divorced.

My parents don't currently provide any formal child care, but do enjoy having the children stay over probably once or twice a month on average.

My stbxw is now having to find a job and work (previously a SAHM) and I am anticipating her child care requirements will increase.

I am concerned that my parents may end up taking on a more significant child care role than they'd probably like to (they are in their 70s).

AIBU to think that my stbxw should not expect to be able to (ab)use my parents kindness for free childcare.

Do others have any experience they can share? Is it usual to use your parents in law for childcare after divorce?

Her parents live at least an hour aways.

Why would you assume she will ask your folks? She could use paid childcare- tax credits would assist with her fees.

What days are you having the dc? Any childcare you need on those days would fall to you to arrange and pay for.

GangsterWrapper vile? Really?

Perhaps you would like to look at some of justbeingadad's other posts on the matter if his ex. Illuminating.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3669955-Stbxw-already-in-new-relationship-while-living-in-family-home

Personally I suspect he's on the wind up of us (although sadly the ex probably is real)

@RoomR0613 thanks for the link, I didn’t get through the whole thing. Granted the term ‘pushing the babies out’ is grim!! But what am I missing here?

It’s a guy going through a bad break up, no? I just don’t get it?

It’s nasty to tell someone you can see why their partner left them etc.. it just seems because it’s a guy posting the claws are out.

This is not a particularly defendable post as the wording is not great.. nor is the sentiment, but that doesn’t mean the op deserves comments like that.

'Both' parents need of childcare. Not just hers surely? I'm sure your parents can say no if it's too much (it hasn't even been asked yet?)

Gangster I'm really struggling to see what you think IncrediblySad has said is any different to what everyone else is saying.

I'm assuming it's this bit It’s not too difficult to see why she’s divorcing you frankly which might not be very kind but it's a long way from 'vile'.

Any way, OP hasn't come back so I'm assuming he got the reaction/advice he wanted.

@RoomR0613 (why don’t you come up on tag 😤) you’re right, vile is a bit ott. It was that comment, I just found it unnecessarily nasty tbh.. the rest is in line with others opinion and poster can carry on with it. Just no need for that comment imo.

Strange op isn’t back 🤔

It seems because your wife has been a SAHM you very much see the children as being her responsibility alone. If the children are to have 2 working parents then both parents are responsible for organising childcare. It is likely, due to being out of the workforce for some time, that your wife will probably be earning less than you, so you should pay the larger portion of childcare costs. This should all be thrashed out and agreed in mediation if possible to make things as seamless as possible for your children.

Your parents might be happy to provide 1 day childcare to help with the cost of childcare for both of you . If your parents offered one day would you accept it?

You obviously hold great animosity towards your wife, and it seems you are bothered by the fact that your parents like her. Your relationship may have broken down but if you can both be mature about a split and do what is right by the children then there is no reason that two whole families have to end up at war with each other.

I know this is all ongoing at the moment so emotions are running high. Have you spoken to anyone, a counsellor, about everything?

Unless you and STBXW have 50/50 care, she is pulling your weight re: childcare. The least you can do is not obstruct help from grandparents if they offer.

You're surely pulling our leg here?

If this isn't a wind-up it ought to be!

You aren't even divorced yet and you're already recruiting allies against the mother of your children in anticipation of something you think she might do. Poor woman can't get anything right for you, can she?

Your parents have tongues in their heads and can speak for themselves, I assume? Your children will still be your children after the divorce and their support and care will still be the responsibility of both their parents.

Your stbexw will have the same 'childcare needs' as you yourself will!

What a cold and callous way to speak of your own flesh and blood; it's quite chilling. Did you not want to have children?

Oh shush. Your STBXW isn’t completely responsible for childcare, you are too.

My ExPILS help a lot with childcare because they enjoy the time with their GCs (not weekly; they help around half terms and school holidays as mine don’t match up with theirs) and if my ex dared to whine to me about it I would rip him a new one and tell him to do the childcare instead.

Thanks for all the responses.

I appreciate the responses stating they are my children too, however just a point in that.

1. She currently receives about the equivalent of having a £30k/year job from the child maintenance and spousal maintenance.
2. She currently has the children on average 5 or 6 nights a week. This is not my choice, I would prefer to have them much much more, ideally full time with her having them one or two nights a week. I could pay for an au pair for a lot less than she receives in child maintenance alone.
3. This isn't about her not using my parents for childcare, just that it's not as much of a given. It's very difficult for loving grw d parents to decline having their GC and they must feel if they say no, they risk her not asking in future.

Thanks all.

I assume that’s because you’re a very high earner and must be pulling in far more than 30k yourself.

She currently has the children on average 5 or 6 nights a week. This is not my choice, I would prefer to have them much much more, ideally full time with her having them one or two nights a week. I could pay for an au pair for a lot less than she receives in child maintenance alone.

You think a SAHM should go from being a SAHM (which obviously suited you) to having the children one or two nights a week

And one of the reasons that would be a good option is because it would be cheaper for you?

Charming

Oh dear, OP. Put your kids first, won’t you? And if your parents don’t want to provide childcare they don’t have to.

What a prince you are no wonder you're divorcing. She was a sahm. You would rather the dc go from their dm full time to being with an au pair to save you some money

Poor kids.

So to save yourself money, you'd leave your children in the care of an employee rather than be cared for by their mother? That will go down a storm with the family court. 😏

Not so much justbeingadad, more just being an ae.

If her childcare requirements will increase, then you'll either have to take a cut in hours to provide childcare yourself or your child maintenance will vastly increase to cover half of the childcare bill. Problem solved :)

2. She currently has the children on average 5 or 6 nights a week. This is not my choice, I would prefer to have them much much more, ideally full time with her having them one or two nights a week. I could pay for an au pair for a lot less than she receives in child maintenance alone

I was about to give constructive advice, then i read this and decided there is no point because you are just vile.

She's the children's mother not a commodity to provide childcare for you at the cheapest rate going and to hand the children over to you when you can find someone cheaper.

I was the woman in this position when I divorced, many years ago. My lovely ex-MIL stepped in and offered to look after my daughter when I had the opportunity to do some part time work. We remained very close until she passed away, so close that she came to my wedding when I remarried. It's non of your business Op if your parents want to help out.

Your wife is an adult and your parents are adults with an ability to say no (I assume). Just because you are going tour seperate does not mean that she can't have her own relationship with them. If you are concerned, speak with your parents ut as the fathervof the children and as their mother it is wihin your co-parenting role to ensure that your children have access to appropriate childcare.

You sound like a prince, can’t imagine why she’s divorcing you.

You take two days off a week so your parents don’t have to look after the kids while your STBEX works. She can collect them after she finishes work as they’d prob rather be home with their Mum at night, she sounds like a much better parent.

You’d rather your children were cared for by an unqualified stranger than by their mother, to save you paying the cost of them being cared for by their mum (when you were happy for her to be a SAHM)? Gross.