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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Etiquette of using parents in law (grand parents) for child care after separation

120 replies

justbeingadad · 15/12/2019 21:20

My stbxw and my parents are very close, and I don't expect things to significantly change there once we're actually divorced.

My parents don't currently provide any formal child care, but do enjoy having the children stay over probably once or twice a month on average.

My stbxw is now having to find a job and work (previously a SAHM) and I am anticipating her child care requirements will increase.

I am concerned that my parents may end up taking on a more significant child care role than they'd probably like to (they are in their 70s).

AIBU to think that my stbxw should not expect to be able to (ab)use my parents kindness for free childcare.

Do others have any experience they can share? Is it usual to use your parents in law for childcare after divorce?

Her parents live at least an hour aways.

OP posts:
Pinkypie86 · 16/12/2019 08:42

I think this is a wind up..
Don't bite!!

CanIHaveADrink · 16/12/2019 08:42

Honestly? It’s NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

You do not get to decide what your exW is doing/asking regarding childcare. This would be beyond controlling. You’ll have to start by accepting that you are not together and you have no say in what you ex is doing.

If she going back to work after spending years supporting you in your highflying career by being a SAHM. Be grateful about it.
Do not use the amount of money she is getting as CM as a tool to basically say she doesn’t actually need to work so shouldn’t is the grand parents either.
And accept that your parents are fully grown adults that can decide if they are happy to provide childcare for THEIR grand children (NOT to your exW). If they find it too much , I’m sure they can say so.

HTH

Equanimitas · 16/12/2019 08:43

She currently has the children on average 5 or 6 nights a week. This is not my choice, I would prefer to have them much much more, ideally full time with her having them one or two nights a week. I could pay for an au pair for a lot less than she receives in child maintenance alone.

You would rather pay a succession of employees to look after your children than for them to have the mother who has looked after them all their lives do so?

Do try telling the judge that in court and see how well it goes down.

CanIHaveADrink · 16/12/2019 08:44

And are you a charm.... preferring to leave your dcs with an unpair all day long so you can carry on with your high flying career whilst paying as little as possible.

I ca;see why your wife is divorcing you!! She clearly made the right choice then Grin

CanIHaveADrink · 16/12/2019 08:46

@Equanimitas, well I suspect that this guy would have had no issue using a really expensive lawyer. And that the judge has already seen that though too...

Because taking two children away from their main carer to leave them with an aupair seems such a great thing to do as a parent....

coffeeagogo · 16/12/2019 08:47

OP I have no idea what circumstances led to you and you wife divorcing but give yourself a shake and read back what you have written in this thread. Then have a think on what is fair, reasonable and equitable - if you have a daughter think about how you would want this play out for HER in the same situation and If you have a son think about what you are role modelling if he finds himself in this situation.

churchandstate · 16/12/2019 08:48

Why are there so many men who define their partner’s contributions to their family one way before a divorce and then differently after? Is she a good mum? Does she care for your children well? Is that suddenly different because she is no longer shagging you?

Chloemol · 16/12/2019 08:50

Wow ‘her’ childcare, ‘you’ don’t want her using your parents, with whom she has a good relationship doing ‘her’ childcare.

You think it would be cheaper to have them full time and get an au pair to look after them to save ‘you’ money, and sod the kids having a relationship with either of thier parents

Did she leave you because you are controlling?

They are your children as well, your parents may be very happy she is at least keeping up a relationship with the , are you jealous of this! Perhaps you dont get on with your parents?

If she gets all this spousal and child support why is she ‘having to ‘ find a job? Is the problem she is now seeking a independent life from you?

Just be grateful the children have a mother who wants grandparents to be in their life, you obviously don’t

Your post reads that actually you don’t care about your children and it’s all about the money

Nasty

PortiaCastis · 16/12/2019 08:51

How about taking responsibility for your own children and if you're anticipating her childcare will increase step up and help out as they're your children too and you need to help care for them!
I'm hoping this is a wind up !!!

BlouseAndSkirt · 16/12/2019 08:58

Perhaps you could volunteer yourself for any childcare that she hoped your parents might undertake?

BlouseAndSkirt · 16/12/2019 08:59

P.S: yourself , not yourself-outsourced aka au pair,

BlaueLagune · 16/12/2019 09:06

Childcare is a joint responsibility regardless of separation or divorce imo

This. OP - get off your bottom and start visiting nurseries and childminders. It's not (ex)-wife-work.

oncemorewithfeeling99 · 16/12/2019 09:12

An au pair is meant to be like a big brother or sister not a surrogate parent on the cheap. I can’t believe you seriously think it would be better for the children to be at your house with a teenager than with their mum! If you’re paying 30k in maintenance then you are extremely well off so cost really shouldn’t be an issue. You come across as emotionally unaware of what your children need.

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 16/12/2019 09:15

I could pay for an au pair for a lot less than she receives in child maintenance alone.
Do you think child maintenance is just about childcare? What about clothing, food, toys, activities, medical care, eye care, dentistry, transport, and all the other necessities? Do you think you could pay for an au pair (who is NOT a nanny, by any means!) and all of those things as well, for 'a lot less than she receives in child maintenance alone'?

lyralalala · 16/12/2019 09:18

It’s telling that on your other thread you say she is a good mother, yet on this one you think she should have the children a max of two nights a week

So far it’s all about what you want, your money and your wishes

Not a single care for your children

Beamur · 16/12/2019 09:20

You do realise child care isn't just about what is cheapest?
If the maintenance you pay your ex includes childcare costs fair enough, it will be her choices about how the children are cared for whilst she works.
Please don't fall into being bitter and manipulative. It's so much easier for your children if you can manage a split with grace and kindness.

Original poster
justbeingadad · 16/12/2019 09:24

The Au Pair statement wasn't around actual cost. My point was that there's no logistical reason I can't have the children a lot more than she's willing to give me and as a result, I would have a much bigger share of childcare. To be clear, my kids are in school so we're talking about 2 hours in the afternoon where I'd need childcare. I fully agree with everyone who's saying about having someone else bring up your children.

I take everyone's point and I think most of you are along the right lines - I shouldn't see this as a negative but rather a positive and of course my parents can say no, and it's obviously great for them to spend time with the kids. I am just concerned for them because they are on the frailer side of healthy and are in their 70's and I know they'd never want to do anything which might make it harder for them to see the kids so saying "no" might be a lot harder than it otherwise would be.

My post wasn't a wind-up, maybe just a little emotionally charged at a time when it feels like my STBXW is take/take/take.

Thanks for keeping me straight.

OP posts:
sarahjconnor · 16/12/2019 09:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CanIHaveADrink · 16/12/2019 09:27

@justbeingadad, I have to say I would be interested to know what job you have that that allows you to be back home at 5.30pm every night and still earn a well over 6 figure salary.... one that also doesn’t need you to travel either.
So you ‘only’ need two hours after school.

CanIHaveADrink · 16/12/2019 09:34

@justbeingadadMy advice would be to start with working on your anger towards your exw. I’m sure that once you have settled down you will start seeing things in a different way.

As for your exW ‘not allowing you’ to see your dcs more than that... have you gone through mediation? Were you able to come with a plan that would show you have something in place for the dcs, something reasonable (not an au pair)? Depending in the age of the dcs, have you thought about what was best FOR THEM (aka if one of them is less than 4~5yo, do you really want to take them away from their main carer like this?)
And if everything else fails, have you thought about going to court?

There isnt such a thing as ‘nit being allowed to see my dcs more than that’ unless it has been decided by a judge and there are, basically, some very good reasons for it (see the number of abusive fathers who still get to see their child much more than is actually good for the child).
So either you really want to see your dcs more and you fight for it or you don’t. Don’t make yourself look like a victim in there.

lyralalala · 16/12/2019 09:34

My point was that there's no logistical reason I can't have the children a lot more than she's willing to give me

Children are about more than logistics

dontcallmeduck · 16/12/2019 09:35

Oh dear @justbeingadad I’m afraid you are getting special treatment. You should have done this as a reverse to get proper advice.

Being a man who wants to have more contact with his children just makes you a villain instead of the caring father you probably are.

As you want to see the children more why don’t you offer to have them after school some of the days to help with childcare. Also speak to your parents so they know it isn’t their responsibility if they don’t feel able to provide the childcare.

How old are the children by the way? And will your stbxw have housing to pay for or is there a mortgage free house?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 16/12/2019 09:37

I think you've got to be earning around 40k to break even if you've got 2 kids in full time childcare (for the cost of childcare alone - general living costs are on top). So unless she finds a school hours or term time only job, she will really struggle in the holidays to afford childcare.

It is understandable at the moment but you do sound a bit like you are trying to 'win' rather than think about what's best for the kids. If your wife has been a SAHM, unless you are divorcing her because you think she has done a shit job, dont you think it would be a massive wrench for your kids and detrimental to them from going from her being the primary carer, to living with you and an aunt pair pick them up etc? You've said you want that but the aim of an amiable divorce is to have as little change for the kids as little as possible.

I am not surprised she is playing hardball, being a SAHM the kids have literally been her life for the last x years and your 'preference' is to take them away from her? I cant imagine how hard it would be to go back to work after all that time out, it was hard enough after maternity leave when you're still technically employed. And if she is the primary carer then finding a new job that fits around the kids, if you cant afford much wraparound or emergency or holiday childcare, would be really daunting

Original poster
justbeingadad · 16/12/2019 09:41

@CanIHaveADrink

I travel a couple of nights a week, but that's semi flexible, other than that, I work from home.

I work in IT.

OP posts:
lyralalala · 16/12/2019 09:42

@dontcallmeduck He hasn’t actually said at any point he wants them more

Just logistics and cost