Etiquette of using parents in law (grand parents) for child care after separation

[justbeingadad]

My stbxw and my parents are very close, and I don't expect things to significantly change there once we're actually divorced.

My parents don't currently provide any formal child care, but do enjoy having the children stay over probably once or twice a month on average.

My stbxw is now having to find a job and work (previously a SAHM) and I am anticipating her child care requirements will increase.

I am concerned that my parents may end up taking on a more significant child care role than they'd probably like to (they are in their 70s).

AIBU to think that my stbxw should not expect to be able to (ab)use my parents kindness for free childcare.

Do others have any experience they can share? Is it usual to use your parents in law for childcare after divorce?

Her parents live at least an hour aways.

@justbeingadad

So my assumptions are that while you’ve been working hard earning the living that has financially supported your family your wife has done everything else? Or am I wrong?
Has she dealt with all childcare? Drs, dentists, cooking ,cleaning, washing, etc . Sorted birthdays, including parties organising , presents. Has she taken the primary role in celebrating anniversaries, Christmas? Has she taken the lead role is facilitating your parents being a part of your life, taking the children to see them without you? Getting their Christmas and anniversary gifts? Organising any medical help /appointments they may need. Has she kept them abreast of milestones etc?
If you e only recently started to do the school run the odd morning and have left the rest to your wife ... and that’s a small snippet into what happens to keep a family going then I’ll repeat what I’ve said.
Give your wife her place, you come across as very controlling.
Please tell me what assumptions are wrong?

sauvignon, in his other thread, the OP was stating that his exw is a great mother. and that he was travelling a lot etc...

so yes I expect that he has been doing a lot of the things you mentioned BY DEFAULT. because when you arent physically there, there are thungs you just cant do.
To that list, I would add that she has been supporting him in 'high flying career' bevuse there is no way he woud have got where he is profesionally wo her being at home for the dcs to pick up the slack

YOUR childcare requirements will increase. that's your problem too, you and exw need to solve that problem together. you don't just leave her to it.

I really don't want to be controlling. That's a horrible trait, if that's how I come across then that's very concerning and I need to sort that out.

Thanks for everyone's opinion.

You sound like a prince, can’t imagine why she’s divorcing you

Neither can I.

@justbeingadad perhaps you could rephrase this then....

I would prefer to have them much much more, ideally full time with her having them one or two nights a week. I could pay for an au pair for a lot less than she receives in child maintenance alone.

So your ex has been your children’s main carer for years, as you BOTH decided.

However, now you have split up and discovered how much of your very large salary you need to pay in CS, you have decided it would be best for the children for YOU to suddenly become the main carer and hire an au pair to actually do the caring.

Because what’s best for the children isn’t stability. It’s what’s cheapest for dad.

@justbeingadad your other thread was only August, that's quick for such a material change

Have I read this correctly - OP will be expecting his parents to provide his 50% of any childcare requirements but is keen to get his stbex to use formal childcare, as she'll be going back to work and family on his side of the divorce shouldn't be available to her? Nice.

@SayOohLaLa

No, I wouldn't expect my parents to provide any childcare.

I am finding childcare more and more tiring at 70. I now do it occasionally but dont want regular commitments

OHs ex massively takes advantage of his mum because she doesn't like to say no. Its a tough one and maybe needs you to keep an eye on it and check they are happy

Wait, is this the guy who objected to his ex dating after they had separated but he was on tinder himself ?

Who thought his ex should devote herself to caring for the children and stay celibate while he shagged around ?

My stbxw is now having to find a job and work (previously a SAHM) and I am anticipating her child care requirements will increase

You’ve got a really bad, entitled attitude in all of this. The above for example. Why don’t you look after the children? What’s that? You work! So basically YOUR previous childcare arrangement (mum/your ex) has fallen through (because she’s getting a job) and so YOU need new childcare arrangements, just the same as your ex. Why on earth do you see the care of YOUR children as purely her problem to resolve?

*Wait, is this the guy who objected to his ex dating after they had separated but he was on tinder himself ?

Who thought his ex should devote herself to caring for the children and stay celibate while he shagged around ?*

Not sure but what a charmer touting his dick on tinder while expecting his ex to stay celibate and look after his kids. Misogynistic slapper

@justbeingadad
"Her childcare requirements" will increase. Lovely.
Just drawn in to say it's not 2 hours a day you need childcare. It's also 16 weeks on holidays.

To be clear, my kids are in school so we're talking about 2 hours in the afternoon where I'd need childcare

Mornings before school? Half terms, holidays, teacher training days, days when they're off sick?

"her" childcare requirements? 🙄

They're half yours too, you pratt. So "OUR" CHILDCARE REQUIREMENTS is much more appropriate, don't you think?

OP. Hope this thread is helpful.
Maybe if you reframe it as understanding that actually your share of childcare has now changed quite dramatically. You no longer have 24/7 childcare on tap. But what is best for your children should be the deciding factor.