Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Etiquette of using parents in law (grand parents) for child care after separation

120 replies

justbeingadad · 15/12/2019 21:20

My stbxw and my parents are very close, and I don't expect things to significantly change there once we're actually divorced.

My parents don't currently provide any formal child care, but do enjoy having the children stay over probably once or twice a month on average.

My stbxw is now having to find a job and work (previously a SAHM) and I am anticipating her child care requirements will increase.

I am concerned that my parents may end up taking on a more significant child care role than they'd probably like to (they are in their 70s).

AIBU to think that my stbxw should not expect to be able to (ab)use my parents kindness for free childcare.

Do others have any experience they can share? Is it usual to use your parents in law for childcare after divorce?

Her parents live at least an hour aways.

OP posts:
EspressoPatronum · 15/12/2019 21:22

If your parents don't want to proceed childcare I'm sure they are perfectly able to tell her.

EspressoPatronum · 15/12/2019 21:23

*provide

sauvignonblancplz · 15/12/2019 21:24

I imagine you will both be responsible for the children’s childcare? How do you propose the children are taken care of if both you and your stbew are both working?

pickingdaisies · 15/12/2019 21:24

Oh. I thought you'd be worrying that they'd not get enough access! Isn't it up to them? And your stbxw? Has she even asked yet? Not sure I'd be looking for trouble where there is none yet.

gangsterwrapper · 15/12/2019 21:26

Whilst I don’t think your parents should take on any more than they are capable of, or want to. I do think a conversation about childcare should be had when the time comes.

Maybe you can work out something between you both that suits the children and doesn’t cost the earth? Not sure how achievable that is without knowing the distance and circumstances. I guess I’m trying to say that it shouldn’t all fall to your stbxw and definitely not your parents.

IdleBet · 15/12/2019 21:26

I am anticipating her child care requirements will increase.
Then you will have to help her find a solution.

RoomR0613 · 15/12/2019 21:26

My stbxw is now having to find a job and work (previously a SAHM) and I am anticipating her child care requirements will increase

You mean both of your childcare requirements right?

Presumably you were benefiting from the free childcare she provided before your divorce? Now you both have to work surely you now both have increased childcare responsibilities?

Looneytune253 · 15/12/2019 21:27

You will both be responsible for childcare so if you make your arrangements I hope it doesn't include your parents? 50/50 responsibility. Have you spoken to your xw about sorting out the arrangements together? You should have input too

DDIJ · 15/12/2019 21:28

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

nocoolnamesleft · 15/12/2019 21:30

Don't you mean that you will both need to find childcare solutions? Her providing childcare has enabled your work. If you're both working then that isn't going to be viable, so you'll both have to find childcare.

ChristmasCroissant · 15/12/2019 21:30

YABU, partly because you seem to think it is purely her issue to solve and partly because she hasn't even asked and you are making an assumption Xmas Hmm

comedycentral · 15/12/2019 21:31

Yes you might have to look after them yourself and not expect her to make all the decisions.

1Morewineplease · 15/12/2019 21:35

You really shouldn’t be using your parents, in their 70s , for childcare.
You and your wife will need to find other support which you may well have to pay for.
Your parents should only be providing grandparent time , as and when they feel that can.

You said, “ I’m anticipating her childcare requirements will increase.” Why are they “ her” requirements? Aren’t they yours’ too?

You both need to sit down and work BOTH of your childcare requirements between you and you will both have to pay.
Why do you assume that your wife will expect your parents to accommodate your children’s care needs? She should not be expecting them to step in and provide free childcare. You need to put a stop to that, particularly as they live a fair distance away.
I really hope that your parents aren’t guilt-tripped into providing you both with free childcare.

SpotlessMind · 15/12/2019 21:36

Are they not your children too? If so, why do you pitch it as your parents looking after the children for your ex wife, as opposed to looking after them for you? My MIL continued to provide childcare when I divorced her son because (a) she wanted to and (b) she enjoyed the regular contact it gave her with her grandchildren.

xyzandabc · 15/12/2019 21:36

If her childcare requirements are increasing, surely yours are too. Assuming you've previously had none if stbxw did it all for you.

Who will look after them while you work, when it's your half of the week with them?
Or were you thinking of asking your parents for a few days, then if she did too then they'd be doing full time which is too much for most gp.

Has she actually asked them? If not, you may be worrying about things that won't happen.

Are they capable of making their own choices, saying no or yes as they wish? If they are then, again, no worries.

What other childcare have you looked in to? If you feel your parents are being taken advantage of against their will, then why not suggest some alternatives that you have looked in to, visited, costed, checked vacancies etc.

Or you and stbxw do 4 days each then only 3 days childcare required, you each pay 1.5 days. Then grandparents can continue as they are now.

laudete · 15/12/2019 21:41

I anticipate your childcare requirements will also increase and you will lean on your parents for support. If your parents choose to offer similar support to your ex-wife, that is their prerogative. They're adults and capable of saying "no" to either your ex-wife or you. Their relationship with your ex-wife must not be conflated with their relationship with you; you will always be their child even if they like your ex-wife.

IncrediblySadToo · 15/12/2019 21:42

It’s not too difficult to see why she’s divorcing you frankly.

How dare you accuse her of potentially abusing your parents kindness while stating HER childcare needs might increase. Of course childcare needs will increase as your putting her in a position of having to work rather than be a SAHM Why us childcare HER responsibility they’re equally YOUR children.

Danni12 · 15/12/2019 21:42

Childcare is a joint responsibility regardless of separation or divorce imo

Frankola · 15/12/2019 21:43

Jesus. They're your children too...

Thehop · 15/12/2019 21:43

Her childcare needs will increase.

Don’t you need childcare too now your previous childcare and you are divorcing and she’s getting a job?

gangsterwrapper · 15/12/2019 21:44

@IncrediblySadToo what a vile post. Is that necessary really?

TorysSuckRevokeArticle50 · 15/12/2019 21:47

You do know that the cost of nursery/childminder is approximately £60 a day per child don't you?

Is your expectation that your STbEW will somehow get a job after time off to be a SAHM that will allow her to pay that without assistance?

Or are you planning to pay half the childcare? Presumably that is your plan if you want to cut her off from any free offers of childcare she may get from your family.

WineAndTiramisu · 15/12/2019 21:48

So she's been your childcare for years, and now she has to work it's "her childcare problem". Pretty sure it's your problem as well.

carsforlife · 15/12/2019 21:49

Incrediblysadtoo post might have been a bit strong but the point remains... the children are going to need to be provided for by both of them... not sure why it's purely the stbxw's problem

Hopingtobeamum · 15/12/2019 21:50

What are the terms of your divorce? Are you joint custody?