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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DSs grandad to have a go...

140 replies

ps1991 · 15/12/2019 18:12

My in-laws are perfect grandparents to our 11month old DS. We always knew that my FIL would find being a grandad hard because he was rarely there when my husband and BiL were babies due to being in the RAF. MiL regularly helps watch the baby and they have him overnight. We’ve asked if they could have him for a few hours on Christmas Eve so we can prep for Christmas (we’re hosting) but MiL is at work, so we’ve asked FIL. He said that he doesn’t want to because he doesn’t feel like he knows how to, he doesn’t know how to change a nappy on his own and doesn’t know about bottles etc. I really understand that he is worried but I really want him to try it. It’ll only be for a couple of hours, DS won’t need a bottle, and likely won’t need a nappy change, he might need a snack which his grandad already knows how to do. WIBU to push this more with him and explain that it would literally be sitting and playing with him, or should I just leave it and DH and I manage on our own?

OP posts:
Teachermaths · 15/12/2019 19:30

Beds can be done days in advance. As could some of the dining room depending on your house layout.

I get that you want it all done in a quick couple of hours but that's not practical with a baby.

Why not do it when he's in bed? He must still nap in the day too.

You really are being unreasonable to expect him to have the baby.

wheretonow123 · 15/12/2019 19:31

@ps1991, I think you could ask if he would be happy coming to yours.

Cntrary to what is written above, if you have a lot of people coming and want to pull out all the stops then Christmas Dinner prep will take more than 2 hours.

faevern · 15/12/2019 19:32

I do understand how you can crack on and get more things done with the baby out of the way but you WBVU to push this further with him. Respect his decision even if you don’t respect his reasons.

Can you not make other arrangements, you have over a week to move stuff and sort beds or alternate childcare?

Sweet32 · 15/12/2019 19:32

But Christmas Day is over a week away- is there no chance that you could do everything you've just mentioned in little bursts after work? Thinking bedding changing, bathroom cleaning etc. Surely it takes 15 mins to change a bed and then that's it & done, nice and clean for guest arrivals. Do a decent bathroom clean on Sunday/Monday night and then a quick.spruce on Tuesday.

Or am I missing something? I do think though that if you have asked and he has said no, then leave it at that.

Fundays12 · 15/12/2019 19:35

No you shouldn’t push him he isn’t comfortable so respect that. Why would you want to leave your child with someone who doesn’t feel they can care for them properly anyway? You have one baby and 2 adults surely you can manage to prepare things or buy pre prepared things? I have 3 kids (baby, toddler and 7 year old) wouldn’t even consider asking anyone to watch them so I can prepare for Christmas dinner which I am hosting this year. I don’t mean to be funny but do it this year and you may surprise yourself how easy it is if your organised and work between you both.

TechnicalSergeantGarp · 15/12/2019 19:36

Queue the race to the bottom, these never go well.

I think him helping you would help the next day go better.

Clymene · 15/12/2019 19:37

OP I mean this kindly but you have heaps more help than the average couple. I don't know anyone whose babies regularly got looked after overnight.

So you're very lucky. And that's great, I'm really pleased for you. But they don't owe you help.

Please don't make the mistake of looking a gift horse in the mouth

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 15/12/2019 19:38

Just one baby and you really can't manage Christmas Eve prep between two presumably reasonably competent adults?

And no, I wouldn't want a FiL who's clearly both lacking in confidence and unwilling, looking after a baby of mine, either.

YappityYapYap · 15/12/2019 19:38

My FIL is similar but always happy to come over and 'entertain' DS if I have some work to do at home and nursery is off (I work from home). He will play with him, give him a snack and juice etc but I will still change DS and prepare his lunch and things. I was really not well last week and DH was at work. I had the flu but it was my day off work thankfully. FIL came over for a few hours and played with DS and kept an eye and let me lie down then I came down every hour or so to make sure things were ok, changed DS's bum and made them both lunch. It was a real help when I was so unwell

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 15/12/2019 19:44

Most of that could be done in advance at night when he’s sleeping.

It’s sounda like you already have a huge amount of babysitting from them and expecting more on Christmas Eve is VU.

whataboutbob · 15/12/2019 19:47

My dad is like your FIL. After I had DS1 it was obvious he’d never changed a nappy or had to organise feeding me or my brother. Still, needs must and as there was no one else ( my mum having died before I had children) we had to ask him to baby sit DS1 one day a week for 6 weeks due to work arrangements. The state DS1 was in on a couple of occasions when we got home ( soiled nappy, exhausted as obviously hadn’t been put down for a nap) told us everything we needed to know about his inability to face up to the nitty gritty of babycare. He just wasn’t able to overcome his aversion.

firstimemamma · 15/12/2019 19:48

This thread is panning out in the exact same way as the one about the mum who was annoyed at her own mum for not wanting to drive for 4 hours to help with the baby...

Original poster
ps1991 · 15/12/2019 19:48

I feel like the last few posts have actually understood the situation more. We know we are very lucky, DS consistently sleeps from 6-7 so again I know we’re very lucky but it isn’t as though when he sleeps overnight I’m asking them to do night feeds etc.

I will get DH to take DS out for a few hours on the 23rd and try and get as much done as I can then, and hopefully we’ll manage to get as much done on Christmas Eve as we can.

I don’t know about other family’s Christmas’ but we try to make our Christmas dinner a special affair which does require a fair bit of prep, i know that somethings will have to change now we have a baby, but it’s a special event that, if I can, I don’t want to be cutting corners and scrimping on.

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 15/12/2019 19:50

BelfastNonBlonde Sun 15-Dec-19 18:20:25
Unreasonable to push him.
Yes what if he was to help at your home keep baby entertained?

Very good suggestion.

ChristmasCroissant · 15/12/2019 19:51

YABU OP, sorry to say. You'll have lots of family around on the day to help so if there is anything that doesn't get done this week beforehand, press them into service on the day!

SparkyBlue · 15/12/2019 19:51

My dad is great with my children but he isn't comfortable looking after them himself until they are around two. He has told you he doesn't want to babysit so you should just let it drop. I totally understand how hard it can be sometimes with a clingy baby when you are trying to get stuff done.

AuntieMarys · 15/12/2019 19:54

I wouldn't be comfortable looking after a baby and I've had two! Completely forgotten everything and in no hurry to remember

1Morewineplease · 15/12/2019 19:55

Why do you feel that you need help?
Are you creating a festive wonderland in your home?
The vast majority of parents manage to prep for Christmas without the need to palm off their offspring onto relatives .
How do you think people who work on Christmas Eve cope?

I’m with @PaperbackBlighter

LizzyDarcy1 · 15/12/2019 19:58

I think you would be unreasonable to push it too.

Anyway, why can't you and DH do what most parents do and get the prep done when DS is sleeping and/or take it in turns?

I have hosted Christmas for my family for the past 5 years, and I have two young children (eldest was 2 months old the first time). It has literally never occurred to me to ask someone to babysit so I can 'prep for Christmas'!

Good luck getting everything done!

OverByYer · 15/12/2019 19:58

So you ask if you’re being unreasonable and then when people say you are you attack them?
Your snipey comment about how how you like to make your Xmas special implying that the rest of us don’t.
Yo sound very self entitled

Maryann1975 · 15/12/2019 20:00

In the nicest possible way, maybe lower your standards a bit and start getting organised now, you will still get your ‘family time’ on Christmas Eve. You could change the beds tomorrow, on Tuesday, move some of the toys from the dining room, Wednesday, rearrange the furniture in the dining room (I might have started a few days early with the organisation, but you get the idea).
I’m not a naturally organised person, preferring to be a last minute Betty, but this Christmas, I’ve been really on it and feel so much better.
Get everything that can be done pre Christmas Eve done this week, all presents and cards written/wrapped and distributed, all drinks and freezer stuff bought in advance and put away.

Then, you can do anything that’s left on Christmas Eve while your baby naps and have the rest of the day doing something nice together.

TheFairyCaravan · 15/12/2019 20:05

Why are you leaving everything to the last minute? DS1 has been away for 4 months, he's home next weekend so we've made his bed up today. The same with DS2, he's home Friday, DH did his bed on Thursday because he had the day off work.

Your baby sleeps from 6-7? You could do a deep bathroom clean of an evening while your DH does an hour or two in the dining room.

Honestly, everyone has known it's Christmas next week forever all year. Stop making it hard for yourselves and crack on.

ruthieness · 15/12/2019 20:06

I think that whether grand-parents help out depends on the role they want in the family - but so often they want the status of being wonderful grandparents and to be loved by their grandchildren but only want the "nice" bits - at their convenience.

A lot of first time Mums and Dads are nervous about babies but they learn.

He is not unreasonable but there may be consequences

hauntedvagina · 15/12/2019 20:06

Can you not offer for him to watch DC at your house? That way you're on hand for bottles and nappy changes but there's someone there to watch hi while you crack on.

WTFdidwedo · 15/12/2019 20:14

OverByYer I assume OP was pointing out that she didn't want to use frozen veg or a cook in the bag turkey as a PP suggested, which is perfectly reasonable and not all patronising. Particularly when hosting a lot of family for Christmas dinner.

It's a race to the bottom on MN sometimes though. "I'm a single mum to 13 sets of twins and I work 78 hours a week, I manage to find the time" etc. We're very much a 'it takes a village' type family and I have no shame over that. I spend most weekends at my mum's with my children as I'm a much better parent with support and I find things much easier that way.

In this case though, it's obviously not something he's confortable with so agree with just accepting it.