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AIBU?

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Original poster

He wont have tory voting grandparents over for xmas

830 replies

Smilebehappy123 · 14/12/2019 23:35

As it says in the title
DH refusing to have my grandparents for xmas dinner, says he cant stand to have xmas dinner with them as they shared with us yesterday that they voted tory , we are both very left wing and have always voted labour
Not only does he not want to have xmas dinner with them he doesn't want to socialise at all with them.
What can I do ? Grandfather is very political so this topic will be brought up
Dh says he cant stand the selfish old bastards and doesn't want to know them

OP posts:
refraction · 15/12/2019 00:22

Tell him you'll make up a plate for him and he can eat on his own in the kitchen.
How come you don't hear of Tories refusing to socialise with those who vote Labour?

This has literally just happened in my family.

chomalungma · 15/12/2019 00:24

Is he the kind of person to watch TV and complain about political correctness in the dramas?

Does he watch adverts and complain about there being too many different groups in them and too much diversity?

I'd just do stuff to feed his rage and play to a stereotype. He probably won't want to come next year and will start a thread about his left wing grandchild's family.

catspyjamas123 · 15/12/2019 00:25

Anti-social socialists! Count yourself lucky your GPs are still alive and there for you at Christmas. Mine are long gone. It’s at Christmas we remember those we have lost.

Binterested · 15/12/2019 00:25

Honestly I find the Daily Mail hatred pretty silly. I never read it. Lifelong Guardian voter till they betrayed my principles so I had to look elsewhere for my news. Turns out the Guardian was not the only source of truth. I now happily read the Times and even the Spectator though that can grate. Meanwhile the Daily Mail is the paper that finally got the killers of Stephen Lawrence to face justice. They are also standing up for women more than Owen Jones and his band of creeps ever will. So I’ve learned not to be so tribal and to be a bit more open minded.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 15/12/2019 00:25

I LOVE the idea of GF bingo! At least you might get a laugh out of it. OP, my dad and I argue over any and everything, and there have been times it has got really nasty and personal. My way of dealing with it now is to say 'oh Dad, don't even try to wind me up, it's honestly pathetic. More wine?'

That might not be an option here, obviously. I'm not sure I could host them tbh if they're as obnoxious as they sound.

NoSquirrels · 15/12/2019 00:26

What's the fall-out with your own parents (as it's their mum & dad) if you don't invite?

I mean - is the situation that you're hosting the family Christmas this year, and now your DH wishes to uninvite a significant chunk of your family just because of the election?

If so, that is unreasonable. DH will need to put up with it for one day, decide never to host them again in future if need be. You will need to run interference - no discussion of politics, your DH gets a free pass to say what he likes if he needs to, or to go out with the baby for a long walk to her them to nap, or whatever.

Honestly, your DH (and you) have known for a long time what they're like - the recent 'revelation' of them voting Tory cannot have been a surprise. So to change plans now, so close to Christmas, on a principle, is pretty unreasonable.

For sure, let your DH limit contact in the future. But if you are committed to hosting your family Christmas this year, suck it up and do it differently next year. Support your DH in stopping them goading him, or talking about politics, and get some strategies in place for what you will do if it is brought up.

CoupeCourte · 15/12/2019 00:26

Voting Labour doesn't mean you have to pander to and host bigots like these grandparents, that's ridiculous.

I probably wouldn't disinvite them but I can see why he wants to - it's hardly a lovely Christmas Day for him if he has to listen to these classist scumbags drone on and on about how people who weren't born rich like them are stupid. MN is usually very keen to say that you shouldn't have to have anyone on Christmas that you don't want and that you should be able to celebrate with your "little family" not have to include racist uncle Brian, snarky MIL etc.

Binterested · 15/12/2019 00:26

But your grandparents sound pretty awful - not because they are Tories but because they sound a bit stupid.

GirlRaisedInTheSouth · 15/12/2019 00:27

I’m with your DH I’m afraid. Old people voting for a party that will hurt younger people and the poor... so selfish.

DappledThings · 15/12/2019 00:28

How come you don't hear of Tories refusing to socialise with those who vote Labour

Obviously this is a very broad generalisation but Tories think of Labour voters as naive, particularly economically, and foolish. Labour voters think of Tories as morally bankrupt. The former is far less likely to result in absolute disgust the latter is therefore much more likely to be the direction in which wanting to not wanting to see the other will go.

Carrotcakeforbreakfast · 15/12/2019 00:30

He sounds like an absolute tosser imo and I would have his grandparents over and send him to their house.

People are allowed to have differing political viewpoints. That's the nature of the beast.

Your DH sounds like a giant 4 year old bathing a strop and I for one could not put up with that.

Carrotcakeforbreakfast · 15/12/2019 00:32

*having even

Original poster
Smilebehappy123 · 15/12/2019 00:33

Girl raised in the south that's what he says he blames the old people for condemning the young people future whilst grandparents are smug and gloaty
My parents wont entertain them at all and are no contact , we are in the north sister in the south can stand them either

OP posts:
LexMitior · 15/12/2019 00:34

Oh they wore out their welcome elsewhere!

Mmm. I say disinvite without guilt

strawberrieshortcake · 15/12/2019 00:35

The funny thing is if you replaced ‘racist classist grandparents’ with simply ‘mean MIL’ everyone would say your DH INBU and you should be able to choose who comes to your house for Christmas.

Seems that most people here have similar views to your parents so are projecting.

Tigger001 · 15/12/2019 00:35

They sound awful. I can't imagine sharing my Christmas day with such horrible views, but I'm starting to have to. I love them dearly but I fear it may be hard work this year.

But my in-laws have some very privileged views, they are Tory voters and it wouldn't matter who it was or what the manifesto was, they would vote Tory anyway. There defence to anything is just slurs at the the opposition rather than dealing with what their parties leader is responsible for.

My FIL is getting worse and used a completely disgusting word whilst we were on holiday with them, we have a 2 year old, if it persists it will be an issue as we simply don't want him surrounded by such despicable vocabulary.

I think your DH is right but I wouldn't want to see the family split on Christmas, a comprise has to be made by both and if it can't be, then they can't come.

Santasy · 15/12/2019 00:36

Nooooo! This is awful. You are all right. And entitled to your opinions. And your grandparents are coming at this from their experiences and lifestyle/luck/choices/environment and so on. As is your husband. I can't blame him for being intolerant as I would find it very had to sit opposite someone I differ from so fundamentally.

Your husband and grandfather obviously feel strongly about how they feel. People who stand by the courage of their convictions like this are what make the world go around. I am a splinter-arsed fence sitter so admire those willing to argue their point at any cost, ie your husband and grandfather.

So, in your position I would hand it over to them. Explain to your husband that he must explain to your grandfather and also explain to your grandfather that your husband does not want to entertain him because....Let them battle it out (or not) and make it clear that it is not your argument but it is your home (and that of your husband and presumably he would not make you sit down with people whose opinions you deplore)

Tartyflette · 15/12/2019 00:36

I would have to agree with your DH even though I suspect I am much closer in age to your grandparents than to you.
My DH and I are lifelong Guardian reading Labour supporters who are saddened by the election result. I don't know anyone among our circle of friends, all pretty much like us in terms of age/class/circumstances who supports the Tories. But we all live in our separate bubbles these days.
I don't know what I'd do if I had elderly (even older than me!) relatives like yours. But I'd find it very hard to welcome them into my home. DH, otoh, is far more tolerant than I and would probably soak it up with copious alcohol. Then engage in spirited political discussions. He likes a good argument, while I would just sit and fume.
I'm sorry I can't offer anything in the way of a solution, except I would say that if your GPs are racist then all bets are off. I'd tell them not to air their appalling views in my home.

NoSquirrels · 15/12/2019 00:38

My parents wont entertain them at all and are no contact

Ah, OK.

So it's just you, your DH, baby DC, and your 2x objectionable GPs for Christmas Day?

I think I'm erring towards disinvite, to be honest.

You can pop in with the DC if you want to maintain contact.

strawberrieshortcake · 15/12/2019 00:40

@Tigger001 slurs is really where you have to draw the line imo. People don’t realise how much information children retain from their environment. All racism/classism/intolerance is taught and I do not care if anybody calls me dramatic, I would not allow my child to be around someone for one second more if they said a slur in their presence.

Purpleartichoke · 15/12/2019 00:41

When my father brings up politics and my child is present, I blatantly tell him the subject is off limits. He rolls his eyes and obeys. I will engage him to some degree if my child is not present, but only a bit.

My father is an ardent trump supporter. I have found some of his racist online posts, and I don’t mean vaguely racist, I mean the old school kind of vulgarity that I had thought was long dead. If I can invite my dad into my home and have an enjoyable visit, your husband can handle breaking bread with a Tory.

If he persists, I would book a restaurant. Make the visit on neutral ground.

Nanny0gg · 15/12/2019 00:43

Are we living in China or North Korea rather than the UK?

When was it decided that we all have to think and vote the same?

I am absolutely appalled at the attitudes I read about on social media.

Live and let live.

mindproject · 15/12/2019 00:46

I wouldn't spend Christmas with Tory voters under any circumstances.

LexMitior · 15/12/2019 00:47

We don’t. But you don’t have to talk politics at Christmas. Bad manners and always has been.

Hulagirla · 15/12/2019 00:47

Your husband sounds vile!