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Original poster

He wont have tory voting grandparents over for xmas

830 replies

Smilebehappy123 · 14/12/2019 23:35

As it says in the title
DH refusing to have my grandparents for xmas dinner, says he cant stand to have xmas dinner with them as they shared with us yesterday that they voted tory , we are both very left wing and have always voted labour
Not only does he not want to have xmas dinner with them he doesn't want to socialise at all with them.
What can I do ? Grandfather is very political so this topic will be brought up
Dh says he cant stand the selfish old bastards and doesn't want to know them

OP posts:
PhilSwagielka · 15/12/2019 12:32

@CrossingTheAlpsInOtley Speaking of anti-Semites, if I had a family member who despised Jews, would I still be expected to sit down and be polite to them? Even if they spent the entire mealtime going on about Israel or me controlling the world or whatever?

Again, extreme example but I'm just trying to gauge at which point a difference of opinion becomes outright bigotry. Would you want to spend Christmas with a bunch of SWP types talking about how Tories were scumbags?

pinboard · 15/12/2019 12:39

It depends on how 'bad' they are, tbh.

I have family members I wouldn't sit down to a meal with as they are overtly racist and disablist and would, quite literally, take the piss out of my SN kids.

The fact they will have recently voted Tory is not the issue really, it's their fairly repugnant life views.

Your H can 'ban' his rellies, but not yours.

But yes it's difficult. My exH takes my kids to visit his rellies each year for 3 days. I just hope the message they get at home balances out the stuff they hear there :(

goodwinter · 15/12/2019 12:39

A lot of people seem to be trotting out the old "looks like the lefties aren't so tolerant after all" trope.

This is the tolerance paradox:
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paradox_of_tolerance

If we extend unlimited tolerance even to those who are intolerant, if we are not prepared to defend a tolerant society against the onslaught of the intolerant, then the tolerant will be destroyed, and tolerance with them.

PhilSwagielka · 15/12/2019 12:40

@pinboard That's horrible. I'm autistic myself and I couldn't bear to sit through a whole meal with someone constantly making nasty little digs at me.

SarahNade · 15/12/2019 12:41

@WotchaTalkinBoutWillis When someone says that parents of children with disabilities want something for 'free', they've obviously closed their mind to reason. When someone says that people who are poor and have children with disabilities are are 'hysterical' and 'engaging in hyperbole' for being worried and scared - when there are examples on this site of people posting about how they cried because they are now truly frightened for themselves and their children, minimise the real human impact this has - have demonstrated a closed mind and closed heart.

I tried reasoning with them, they will not even consider that there are people out there - who don't want something for 'free', but just want to survive. They will not cede a point, and dismiss people's concerns, and minimise what is a true fear for many people. It is easier for them to pretend, like the OP's GPs, that poverty doesn't exist, people who are scared 'just want something for nothing', and are being 'hysterical' in their genuine fear, as it is convenient for them. If they don't acknowledge the fear of some is genuine, then they can justify their vote. As long as they pretend that all poor and disabled "only want something for free", they don't have to put any thought into it. Hence, closed mind.

BlouseAndSkirt · 15/12/2019 12:46

There are people with different opinions.
And there are horrible people.

The ILs are both.

I am a Labour voter, I know some horrible lefties who I wouldn’t want to spend my precious family time with, and some lovely people who are also Tory voters.

Boorish, bigoted selfish gits don’t get invited to my Christmas dinner no matter what they vote.

BlouseAndSkirt · 15/12/2019 12:46

Sorry, GPS, not ILs

LittleSweet · 15/12/2019 12:52

Lookingforlemons family isn't more important than politics, if your family's politics are racist.

Confusedbeetle · 15/12/2019 12:56

I think its more about you not liking this old couple for their awful views. It is actually of no importance how they vote and none of your business. You have a problem with them as people. Please keep the tories out of your labelling. Not all conservative voters are horrible people despite what MN says

SeaWitchly · 15/12/2019 13:02

I don’t think your DH is unreasonable at all. Your grandparents sound like terrible people and life is too short to spend Christmas Day with them. Perhaps it will do them some good to realise that others find their views regarding the poor and homeless abhorrent. They can always try to get an invite to the Johnsons Christmas celebration instead 😁

JKScot4 · 15/12/2019 13:02

I think your DH is to be admired for his principles, your parents are NC take the hint. Who would want to spend time with selfish insufferable snobs; no sympathy for homelessness or poverty whilst living in inherited wealth.
I’m mystified why you’d even consider letting them in !!!

Fandoozle1 · 15/12/2019 13:04

Sorry OP but DH sounds vile, saying he will only attend their funerals. Over politics? Absolute madness.

cakeisalwaystheanswer · 15/12/2019 13:05

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Trewser · 15/12/2019 13:08

cakeisalwaystheanswer i agree with you

SeamstressfromTreacleMineRoad · 15/12/2019 13:09

BlouseAndSkirt has it in one.
I am very left-wing, I have friends who I know are Tories, and I still class them as friends because they behave - in every other respect - like decent, polite, caring members of society.
I have no idea how they square the circle to themselves, but they don't insult me and I don't insult them.

1066vegan · 15/12/2019 13:10

I wish the posters slagging off the OP's husband would read the updates.

It's possible to have a civilised discussion with people who voted differently (I voted Labour and had a long, amicable chat with a Tory yesterday), but it's only possible if you are both basically decent people.

The grandparents are vile racists who slag off the poor. OP's own parents have cut off contact. Good for her husband. Why should his Christmas be spoiled by having to host such awful people.

Swirls1111 · 15/12/2019 13:11

@tillytrotter1
Surely democracy includes spending time with whoever you want? Anything else is forced obligation.

rwalker · 15/12/2019 13:16

I think it about more than who they voted for and this is the straw who broke the camel back.
They will have skin like rhino's just be honest say you are welcome but and talk of politics you will be asked to leave.
A lot of the time the older they get the less they care everything black and white and they will say what they like oblivious to how wrong or offensive .

ithinkmycatistryingtokillme · 15/12/2019 13:20

To me it depends if they are sort who will deliberately bring politics up, if they are and will not stop until they have caused a row at the dinner table then I can see where dh is coming from, I would not want my family's christmas day ruined by a family row.

Jux · 15/12/2019 13:27

When you see them (this morning? Tomorrow morning?) have a talk with them. They are your gps and you will always love them, but you don't love their views. They have already lost contact with your ps and sister because of this, and they are going to have to think carefully about what they say and how how they say it if they want to continue having a relationship with you.

laudete · 15/12/2019 13:29

There seems to be a lot of background issues. (I get that; family is complex and it's rarely B&W.) I don't think this is really about how they voted.

Due to their likely ages and the fact they are close family, I would suggest a different approach to your decision. If - for any event, not just Xmas day - you had a choice between seeing them or not seeing them, would you regret not seeing them if they died that day and you never had the choice again? If you think you'd regret not seeing them, see them for whatever time period you can tolerate. However, if you think you wouldn't regret missing them, decline as politely and kindly as possible. Either the bonds of love are strong enough to overcome the difficulties or they aren't and that's not for us to know or decide.

Zero judgements from me, either way. You can choose your friends but not your family. They are your grandparents by chance of birth/parents. x

AllideasAndNoAction · 15/12/2019 13:38

I wish the posters slagging off the OP's husband would read the updates.

Again, why? The OP stated that the reason he refused to host the grandparents were that 'they shared with us yesterday that they voted Tory.' That was it. Nothing else was mentioned and therefore that is the basis upon which our opinion will be formed.

PurBal · 15/12/2019 13:40

So your DH is driven by compassion for humanity and thinks your grandparents are not compassionate because they voted Tory. It strikes me that your DH is showing your grandparents little compassion by behaving this way (and personally it sounds a little childish). I wonder how your DH would react to someone breaking the law (fraud, assault). Both are choices and neither are compassionate against the victims but that doesn't mean we should cease to be compassionate toward the perpetrators.

FWIW I don't believe socialism has a monopoly on compassion.

Lucyccfc68 · 15/12/2019 13:44

Biggest drop feed ever!

So it's actually nothing really to do with them voting Tory and all to do with their vile right wing views.

I wouldn't have them in my house either and they are very lucky your DH would even consider going to their funeral.

Well done your DH for not wanting nasty bigots in his house.

lljkk · 15/12/2019 13:45

OP wrote an almighty dripfeed:
" My parents wont entertain them at all and are no contact "

Come on OP, what is nice about your grandies, why do you bother to see them?

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