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AIBU?

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Original poster

He wont have tory voting grandparents over for xmas

830 replies

Smilebehappy123 · 14/12/2019 23:35

As it says in the title
DH refusing to have my grandparents for xmas dinner, says he cant stand to have xmas dinner with them as they shared with us yesterday that they voted tory , we are both very left wing and have always voted labour
Not only does he not want to have xmas dinner with them he doesn't want to socialise at all with them.
What can I do ? Grandfather is very political so this topic will be brought up
Dh says he cant stand the selfish old bastards and doesn't want to know them

OP posts:
NearlyGranny · 15/12/2019 10:06

Oldbutstillgotit, that's a common misquote of Voltaire, originating with a 1907 publication by Evekyn Beatrice Hall. What Voltaire actually said that she mistranslated was,

'Think for yourself and let others do so, too.'

Not quite the same thing. Think it through for just a moment: which of us would be happy to lose our life so Trump could peddle lies, or to let a terrorist broadcast hate speech?

That is not a hill worthy of dying on and I bet you wouldn't. Think of the vilest things you've ever heard said and consider.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 15/12/2019 10:07

I find that many labour voters/left leaning are fine with democracy so long as only goes in their favour - presumably the grandparents don't have an issue with your husband solely on the basis of his politics?

He's being unreasonable and quite honestly a dick. I'd rather spend Xmas with the grandparents

(Also your drip feeding about some of their comments about Iceland etc suggests you have your own prejudice against them - that having those opinions and being a Tory voter are one on the same......most Tory voters aren't like that and don't have those views.)

burritofan · 15/12/2019 10:09

I'm on your DH's side here. Why do you want to have Christmas dinner with racists?

PepePig · 15/12/2019 10:09

Don't think this is real but no one should have people around them that are downright nasty. I believe people earn a right to be in your life- through being kind, supportive etc. These GP sound absolutely vile. They wouldn't be coming to mine for Christmas, anyway. Sure, they're so well off they can sort their own Christmas from Waitrose. What the OP buys probably wouldn't be classy enough, anyway!

PlasticPatty · 15/12/2019 10:10

OP, if what you say about your OH and grandparents is true, you have some horrible people around you.

Is that what you want?

MoseShrute · 15/12/2019 10:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

Christmasgravy · 15/12/2019 10:11

catspajamas:but it’s their money now, however they came by it. I hope they leave it to the baby direct or maybe donate it to a cause of their choosing.

Which totally invalidates your argument!
If and when this money gets passed on, it will become someone else's again.

Equanimitas · 15/12/2019 10:12

I would uninvite them - tell them the whole family is going to volunteer at a homeless shelter and they are welcome to join you there

What a brilliant idea!

I agree that this isn't about their vote, it's about the fact that they are unpleasant, intolerant bigots.

I can tolerate my brother for being a Tory Brexit voter, we just keep off that topic because he's actually an OK person. I couldn't tolerate having people in my house who go on like OP's grandparents all the time.

Wheredidigowrongggggg · 15/12/2019 10:13

Do people really avoid politics discussion? We’ve been knee deep since 2016! Many of our friends hold very different views. Still friends?

I would draw the line at overtly bigoted views on race/sex/sexuality etc and we have ended burgeoning friendships over this. DHs grandma was racist and his mum to a certain extent and we simply gently challenged, saying ‘you can’t say that word anymore/in this house/in front of me/the kids. If they failed to respect that then we’d certainly continue to challenge but would stop short of terminating contact. Adults discuss. Children fall out.

SarahNade · 15/12/2019 10:13

@AmaryllisNightAndDay Why the hell should her DH (who loving and caring to me) have to put up with vile bigots ranting in HIS house, on Christmas day? Why, why is it up to him to tolerate it, why do the bullies and bigots get excused and a pass to act vile, and he sound just accept it and 'let' the vile bigots disrespect him and rant? 'Let' them?
And "don't take it personally"? Are you for real? You can't be.

Bullies and nasty racist bigots GET AWAY WITH their behaviour because people like you tell the rest of us to just bend over and take it.....in our own homes. Fuck that for a game of soldiers! A person is not a 'poser' just because they won't bend over and take it on Christmas day, in their own home. In fact, it makes that man a real man. With integrity, courage, decency, and not a weak enabling cowardly poser.

NoSauce · 15/12/2019 10:13

I get why he’s pissed off. My in-laws have always been massive labour voters, berated anyone who voted Tory, but since Brexit they’ve changed their tune. Now it’s “ Come on Boris, get our country back to where it should be “ type of shite.

However, for the sake of Christmas, he needs to put it to one side.

SarahNade · 15/12/2019 10:14

*(who sounds

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 15/12/2019 10:15

Can tell who the Tory voters are on here today. A good demonstration of the spectacularly hard of thinking, or maybe you're just as obnoxious as these grandparents sound? These don't sound like poor fragile old people. They are openly blaming poor people for being poor.

I guess you'll all believe that Brexit will actually be done too and won't be a gold plated shitstorm.

OP your husband is right.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 15/12/2019 10:16

And it is possible to not have Tory voters in your life. I do, very successfully. My family are all left wing and I would never choose a friend or a partner who had such vile views and lack of empathy towards the poor in society.

sam221 · 15/12/2019 10:16

I think your husband should ring them and tell them, he is letting his inner Tory out. So that means they should perfectly understand that they are uninvited, as he now only cares about his own interests.
That should resonate with them!

rottiemum88 · 15/12/2019 10:16

*DH says he will only attend their funerals now once the time comes but no further effort will be made

Husband is the most kind loving man*

Yeh... he sounds really kind and loving Hmm

IdentifyasTired · 15/12/2019 10:16

DH and I didn't vote Conservative.
My parents did. But they are compassionate, kind people who would never spout the sorts of things your grandparents do.
This is nothing to do with Toryism and everything to do with a lack of empathy and kindness.

YANBU.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 15/12/2019 10:16

@burritofan
Why would the grandparents want to have dinner with anti Semitic IRA supporting terrorist sympathisers 🤔

JassyRadlett · 15/12/2019 10:17

I think intolerance towards other peoples democratic voting choices decides whether one is a decent or not very decent person.

This is just as silly and black and white a position as refusing to associate with someone who votes differently than you. Decency runs much deeper than that.

What makes a person decent or not is their actions and, really importantly, the values that underpin those actions.

So, for example, I can’t see any values that I would consider decent or that I would want around my kids that would be compatible with BNP voting (back in the day).

In the recent election (and in all elections, particularly in a FPTP system, but this one particularly so) there will have been a range of factors that determined how someone voted, from ardent devotion to a cause to ‘this feels like the least as of some shitty options’. So yes, it’s daft to dismiss someone solely on the way they voted.

It’s equally daft to say that people’s politics are totally irrelevant, because they are linked to underlying values. There is a huge spectrum of political opinion and the values of those at the extremes of those opinion are something I don’t want to associate with, TBH. Because those values are in conflict with my own.

It doesn’t sound like the grandparents are particularly decent people - rude, intolerant, and disrespectful of others, believe poor people are the sole architects of their plight and there are no children suffering as the result of poverty. That is not how all Tory voters think by a long shot. The vote isn’t the issue, it’s what lies under it that counts.

StCharlotte · 15/12/2019 10:18

I'm normally up for political debate but we went away with 22 friends, 22 of who almost certainly voted out (we didn't) so we had a rule that Brexit was not mentioned. I think only one person tried to bring it up and everyone just shot them down with a light hearted "ah ah! no Brexit talk!".

Worked for us.

catspyjamas123 · 15/12/2019 10:19

His house? I think you’ll find half is hers. So it’s not just his decision. Although property rights are for the bourgeoisie....

CherryBowl · 15/12/2019 10:20

What an unsophisticated person your husband sounds. He is the host, and should be able to host a meal without focussing on a single contentious issue before his guests have even arrived.

Is he genuinely such a one track person he cannot, for one day, find things he might have in common with those with whom he politically differs?

Does he follow sport? Read? Cook? Travel? Work? History?

If your grandparents say something he disagrees with, why not let them talk about why they believe that instead of just dismissing what they believe? It’s how adults discuss differences. I suspect this country would be less of a mess if we could all do this.

It’s not difficult and would be a tiny first step in attempting to bring back a more civilised way of living.

Although I don’t really believe this anyway.

madcatladyforever · 15/12/2019 10:21

"I'm on your DH's side here. Why do you want to have Christmas dinner with racists?"

Wow sounds like we have a massive bigot right here. My entire family are immigrants and my step father and sisters and black, they all voted tory so are they massive rascists too. Get a life you silly woman.

Shoutymomma · 15/12/2019 10:22

The problem is the General Election timing. Some people are truly devastated by the result, with very real feelings of heartbreak and grief, usually not for themselves, but for people less fortunate. There will be others who will laugh at this and call it melodrama. It is not. This is so raw and recent, it is bound to crash into Xmas. I have no doubt your husband is a kind, caring and empathetic man. Remind him of how much you love and respect him for those values. If your guests can’t leave their politics at the door for the sake of family harmony, perhaps they oughtn’t be invited. See if a ‘no politics’ rule will work for both parties. Sorry that you are piggy in the middle.

partyhatsoff · 15/12/2019 10:23

It's Xmas, and there's no way I would let DW tell me that I couldn't have relatives to visit because they voted Tory. Not speaking to people with different political views is ridiculous and solves nothing, in fact it quite literally starts wars.
I'm from Northern Ireland, with one half of my family Catholic and the other half Protestant, so trust me when I tell you it is possible to have people all in one room with vastly different, passionate viewpoints and all get along at Xmas and other family events. As long as everyone is respectful towards each other.
Sounds like you need to speak with your DH and your DGD and explain to them that you're expecting respectful behaviour on both sides, no gloating or sulking over the election results and no politics and no deliberate winding each other up please on the house over Xmas.
Get Pictionary or similar in so that you have a distraction!