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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to read his Uni work

141 replies

StarShop · 14/12/2019 21:12

DH has started at Uni, I completed postgraduate 10 years ago. He has worked as a lecturer in colleges but writing isn't his strength. He has spent a lot of time writing a 2500 word essay to be handed in on Monday. He asked me to have a look over it, I began to and then he said "is the grammar OK?" to which I replied "I'm not reading it all!". He took the laptop away and did that passive aggressive "it's fine, doesn't matter".

AIBU to refuse to read and effectively critique his work? In the past I have written stuff for him such as job applications etc. and I warned I wouldn't be his crutch whilst studying.

Of course I will support him, let him bounce ideas off me, find the right words for things etc. but am I being unreasonable to not read his work for him? I feel like it's an extension of wife work!

OP posts:

BackforGood · 14/12/2019 22:28

Glad you've taken everyone's opinions on board and changed your minds.
Y really were BVU
Supporting each other is generally what families ought to be aiming to do.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/12/2019 22:29

That is really interesting though Igmum I'd like to think that women students are, and are made to feel, as special and important as male ones.

There is something about 'support and help others' as default, being an expectation of females, that males just don't recognise as being a reasonable expectation upon themselves.

Idratherbeonquora · 14/12/2019 22:33

@misspiggy19
Some people would ask for a read, some would ask for 6 hours of unpaid work work a day.
Op already said she had to write stuff for him before. She already said that they already talked about him using her as a crutch in his studies. That meams she expects him to take the piss and he is already starting to.

I doubt there would be a post if he wasnt already taking the micky.

Its unkind to assume someone is being unkind because they dont want to be a live in teacher.

Dont be a mug op, do what you want and help him if you want to. Not because he expects you to.

OhDear2200 · 14/12/2019 22:33

Oh for goodness sake those saying ‘don’t do it it’s not your job’, how utterly ridiculous. Also what tosh that’s it’s ‘women’s’ work. Both my Dad and DH regularly proof read stuff for me.

It’s called a loving relationship, sometimes you sacrifice your time for your loved ones. 🙄

BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs · 14/12/2019 22:33

Glad you've changed your mind Op. I'd always review something for my Dp, and also have for my mum when she went to uni as a mature student. A second pair of eyes to run through and sense check/proof read is invaluable sometimes.

Hulagirla · 14/12/2019 22:36

You were being unreasonable but glad you updated to say you got it wrong! Glad it’s sorted now

BuildBuildings · 14/12/2019 22:38

We always read job applications or really important presentations for each other. We both did post grad at separate times so helped with that for each other. So spelling, grammar, readability. Unless there's a massive inequality in your relationship where yo do everything Yabu.

BathHell · 14/12/2019 22:40

Erm YABU to refuse to read his essay.

YABVU to do his bloody job applications!!

Firecarrier · 14/12/2019 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SuperMeerkat · 14/12/2019 22:48

Very mean. My husband is doing an MSc at the moment is a subject that I know nothing about. I have an undergraduate degree so am fairly well educated and feel qualified to give a critical opinion to help him. I’ve helped him with grammar and re-phrasing things mainly to ensure that it reads well. He did his undergraduate degree 10 years ago and it’s his first assignment so he’s a bit rusty. I’ve actually really enjoyed helping him with it.

LovePoppy · 14/12/2019 23:04

What happens if you read it, miss something, and he gets a low grade? Do you get blamed? That’s the deciding factor for me in what to do

Nogoodusername · 14/12/2019 23:06

2500 words isn’t even long! I would definitely read my DH’s, we’ve both read way longer reports for eachother

LolaSmiles · 14/12/2019 23:07

Academic here. Actually I think YANBU mainly because over the years I have lost count of the number of male students and colleagues whose wives, girlfriends and often mums read and comment on their stuff. Very pleased to see a couple of posters here whose husbands and partners do but I've never known that IRL. Definitely wifework.
Or they just don't feel the need to say that they got their DH/DP to look over things. I'm not sure DH and I have ever felt he need to declare when a second set of eyes checked over an application or essay or presentation.

How proof reading a partner's essay is wifework is beyond me. It's supporting them with their studies which would be the case regardless of who is studying.

MiniMum97 · 14/12/2019 23:14

YADBU of course you should read it and support him. Why wouldn't you. You sound horrible.

Newmumatlast · 14/12/2019 23:18

YABVVU. I would do this for my husband were he to study further. I have done it for my father and also for friends. Even not that close friends. In the same way I have helped friends proof read job applications etc. It isnt wife work, it is nice work. Are you nice? I think you maybe have something else at play here given you mention the wife work issue. Is it that you feel you do too much and so are seeing this from that perspective maybe?

DarklyDreamingDexter · 14/12/2019 23:19

Glad you changed you mind. Can’t understand why you wouldn’t help in the first place though.

katy1213 · 14/12/2019 23:21

YANBU. You could be setting yourself up for many essays to come. Tell him to set it aside for a day and come back to it with a fresh eye. Then the mistakes that he can't see for looking should jump out at him. If he struggles to express himself clearly, tell him to speak the sentence aloud. He'll never learn to write confidently if you do it for him.

snowball28 · 14/12/2019 23:24

I understand you might not want to set a precedent but you’re only reading it not writing it, I would read through and check for my DP even if I really didn’t want to. He would do the same for me to be honest.

saraclara · 14/12/2019 23:25

I'm glad you've changed your mind.

This is absolutely normal behaviour. My late husband and I used to cast an eye over each others' stuff all the time. From a tricky email, to a report, to an essay. I don't know anyone who wouldn't.

Fr0g · 14/12/2019 23:27

just word counted the first hundred posts of this - over 5,000 words.

It's a small thing to do - I'd certinly do it for a frind, let alone a partner. I didn an MSc a few years ago, and occasionally asked work colleagues to do a final read through.
As much as grammar advice, your husband is probably just looking for a condifence boost/affirmation that it's fine - particulalry if he is at the start of his course.

Glad that you changed your mind.

Tubridy · 14/12/2019 23:34

Yanbu, especially if you’ve written job applications for him in the past. He needs to get his own writing and grammar up to scratch. There will be help available at the university, by some equivalent to an academic writing centre.

Isithometimeyet0987 · 14/12/2019 23:35

Seriously? 2500 words is not that long at all, would it really hurt you to support him?

Northernsoullover · 14/12/2019 23:35

My partner read mine the other day.I'm so glad he did. I had a fair few errors that I hadn't spotted and a sentence that was absolutely baffling. I think you are mean spirited

Spacebowlisback · 14/12/2019 23:37

DH and I always edit eachother’s work. He probably felt a bit vulnerable handing it over to you and then you didn’t want to read it so I can see where he’s coming from.

BillHadersNewWife · 14/12/2019 23:42

The HOURS I've spent helping my DH...and he me would be worth $$$ if we counted it up like that. Partners HELP one another! Stephen King's wife used to read all his manuscripts...probably still does!

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