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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to read his Uni work

141 replies

StarShop · 14/12/2019 21:12

DH has started at Uni, I completed postgraduate 10 years ago. He has worked as a lecturer in colleges but writing isn't his strength. He has spent a lot of time writing a 2500 word essay to be handed in on Monday. He asked me to have a look over it, I began to and then he said "is the grammar OK?" to which I replied "I'm not reading it all!". He took the laptop away and did that passive aggressive "it's fine, doesn't matter".

AIBU to refuse to read and effectively critique his work? In the past I have written stuff for him such as job applications etc. and I warned I wouldn't be his crutch whilst studying.

Of course I will support him, let him bounce ideas off me, find the right words for things etc. but am I being unreasonable to not read his work for him? I feel like it's an extension of wife work!

OP posts:
Batqueen · 14/12/2019 21:26

I always proofread for my dp or my best friend. They would do the same for me, that’s just being supportive. Doing someone else’s work for them is not ok though, you shouldn’t be writing applications on his behalf, although you can help him to do it.

JellyfishAndShells · 14/12/2019 21:26

‘Wife work’ ? It’s not another part of the domestic burden,.Why wouldn’t you want to be a supportive partner by having a read over and reassuring him or giving pointers when he is unsure of his skills at this point. It doesn’t mean he will want you to be his editor for the three years.

My DH changed career from scientific research by studying for an MBA. He was not used to the writing style he needed to adopt - I was and happily critiqued his work in terms of style until he was confident. He is a better writer than me now.

isseywith4vampirecats · 14/12/2019 21:27

My Oh has just retired from being a maths based lecturer and some of the stuff he had to do was essay based for lessons because I am better at grammar than him (hes brilliant at the maths parts) he would ask me to proof read for him, didn't take long and was a pleasure to support him by doing this would it really have hurt you to spend maybe half an hour bolstering his confidence in this way

MamaFlintstone · 14/12/2019 21:27

He only asked you to check the grammar, it’ll take you 10 minutes at the most. DH and I do this with work related things for each other all the time. Not because either of us are incapable, just because it’s much easier to spot mistakes in other people’s work than your own.

NerrSnerr · 14/12/2019 21:27

I think YABU. My husband and I got together at university and he read through my dissertation as his grammar is so much better than mine. I proof read his PHD thesis although wasn't much use as it was seriously technical.

We've done a few courses over the years and always proofread.

laudete · 14/12/2019 21:28

If proofreading and/or grammar/spell-checking aren't your strong suits, it's not unreasonable to decline to do it. He needs to ask a friend who is good at those things. It wouldn't help him if you proofread it but didn't catch the errors and gave him a false reassurance.

It would be unreasonable if he just wanted to "show" his work - that would just be you reading it and saying "well done".

Wheresthebiffer2 · 14/12/2019 21:28

surely you are "a team". why not help him with this? definitely unreasonable to refuse.

Sickofrain · 14/12/2019 21:28

That's really mean op!

kaldefotter · 14/12/2019 21:28

If you think supporting your husband in his studies is wifework, you’ve got a really skewed notion of what marriage is about.

Yes, YABU. In your husband’s shoes, I’d be feeling really let down.

katsucurry · 14/12/2019 21:29

I think YABU. My (now) husband read over my work, revised with me, let me "teach" him, talked through my calculations with me etc. He was only my boyfriend of less than a year at the time (and had already finished studying) and I'm sure he wasn't particularly enthusiastic about it but he knew it was important to me. I appreciated his involvement so much and it really helped motivate me through the end of my degree.

We always read over each others work now e.g. job applications. It's important to support each other's careers and it's only half an hour or so of your time.

Original poster
StarShop · 14/12/2019 21:29

OK I got this wrong, I've told him I'll read through it tomorrow.

OP posts:
LtJudyHopps · 14/12/2019 21:29

This isn’t wifework this is supporting your partner, I think YABU. Although I am biased as my DP is dyslexic, so I always proof read grammar and spelling for him. He goes out of his way to help me in others ways, it’s what’s partnership is about.

Littlemeadow123 · 14/12/2019 21:29

YABU. You say his writing isnt 100%. He asks you for support with his grammar because he has no doubt put a lot of effort into his report and you just say that you are not going to read it all. You don't sound very supportive at all and if I were in his shoes I would be feeling quite hurt right now.

Murraygoldberg · 14/12/2019 21:31

I read dp's masters and he read mine. I always advise my students to get their partners or parents or friends to read their assignments. It's not wife work at all it's being supportive and interested

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 14/12/2019 21:32

I do this for my daughter. My DH listens to me practicing my presentations. I read what he writes too. It's a way of helping each other.

Might feel different about it if the favours were all one way though.

Interestedwoman · 14/12/2019 21:33

YABU, it's only 2500 words. He's not asking you to write it for him.

Decidewhattobeandgobeit · 14/12/2019 21:34

Mean OP.

PepePig · 14/12/2019 21:36

You sound like a miserable sod to be honest. But I'm sure your time is so valuable... I mean, instead of reading it and circling a few grammar mistakes you're on Mumsnet complaining about it instead.

So busy, aren't you?

AnyOldPrion · 14/12/2019 21:38

OK I got this wrong, I've told him I'll read through it tomorrow.

That’s good. Have a good evening, OP.

Grandmi · 14/12/2019 21:39

Agree with pepepig!!

BrokenWing · 14/12/2019 21:41

I have no idea how you translate asking you to use your academic experience to support him in improving himself to 'wife work'?

ElfAndSafeKey · 14/12/2019 21:43

YABU. 2500 words is not a lot.
Suggest your DH downloads a grammar software though if you won't do it.

BlueCornsihPixie · 14/12/2019 21:44

It's always better to get someone to read through your work

YABU, and a bit mean. I read DPs uni work and he read mine. I've read friends and they have read mine.

ReanimatedSGB · 14/12/2019 21:44

Does he generally expect you to look after to him, pander to him, treat him as more important than you are? If so YANBU for not wanting to do even more wifework. However, if he generally pulls his weight with domestic work and childcare and is willing to support you in your interests and professional issues, then YABU and unkind.

Saddler · 14/12/2019 21:45

Just proof read if for him FFS

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