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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to read his Uni work

141 replies

StarShop · 14/12/2019 21:12

DH has started at Uni, I completed postgraduate 10 years ago. He has worked as a lecturer in colleges but writing isn't his strength. He has spent a lot of time writing a 2500 word essay to be handed in on Monday. He asked me to have a look over it, I began to and then he said "is the grammar OK?" to which I replied "I'm not reading it all!". He took the laptop away and did that passive aggressive "it's fine, doesn't matter".

AIBU to refuse to read and effectively critique his work? In the past I have written stuff for him such as job applications etc. and I warned I wouldn't be his crutch whilst studying.

Of course I will support him, let him bounce ideas off me, find the right words for things etc. but am I being unreasonable to not read his work for him? I feel like it's an extension of wife work!

OP posts:
Smellbellina · 14/12/2019 21:45

Honestly I did that for a friend blows it seems really unsupportive you won’t do it for your DH. What kind of relationship do you have?!

BraveGoldie · 14/12/2019 21:45

My partner proofread my whole PhD thesis for me, and I typed up my partner's masters thesis for him.

The only case in which this kind of support would annoy me is if the other person made no attempt to learn and was just using you for unpaid Labour. Eg if I had written down for him a bunch of spelling corrections last time of words he got frequently wrong, and he couldn't be bothered checking for these himself and just handed it to me to put in the hours instead.

But this doesn't sound like the case here - sounds like your husband genuinely wants your opinion and reassurance, when he is trying to better himself - and that is what partnership is about. Smile

HellonHeels · 14/12/2019 21:47

Glad you have reconsidered.

My DBoyfriend is studying and I read his essays. When i was studying my friends read mine. If we have reports or presentations at work, colleagues will always critique for each other.

selmabear · 14/12/2019 21:47

YABU OP. He's asking for your input and help and you refused.

Aragog · 14/12/2019 21:47

I would definitely read through it if it was my Dh and I know he'd do the same for me.

Just seen your update - glad you've changed your mind.

OlaEliza · 14/12/2019 21:49

How mean can you get?! Confused

Bendybop · 14/12/2019 21:50

This is a thing?! To me its cheating. My uni work was all mine. I would go and reread it and search the grammar. God some people have it so good with mates and friends helping them out sneakily.. unfair advantage! Grin i agree op its his work.

SoftSheen · 14/12/2019 21:50

YABU, and mean Sad

ConstanceL · 14/12/2019 21:51

2500 words is such a small amount to read. I would never turn down my DH if he was asking for help - that's not what 'wife work' is!

LolaSmiles · 14/12/2019 21:53

Bendybop
Proof reading a piece of work is cheating?
So all the research and content is his, all the writing and arguments are his but because someone glances over it to check for silly mistakes (when it's common to stop seeing errors in your own work the more you read it, it's like going nose blind to smells) is horrendous cheating?

Teachermaths · 14/12/2019 21:55

Well done got acknowledging you were wrong OP.

Disfordarkchocolate · 14/12/2019 21:55

It's not cheating. As a partner, you are looking for flow, grammar, structure - it's not like you know the topic.

whyayepetal · 14/12/2019 21:56

Pleased you have decided to read through for him OP. It will mean a lot and give him a boost I’m sure.

Bendybop · 14/12/2019 21:57

To me it is, what you do is take a break ideally overnight and read out loud your work. Undeniably cheating as you are using someone else's knowledge and expertise. You get or lose marks based on proof reading outcome... so yeah its not all their own work of their own merits but i see from the voting its such common practice.quite depressing really..

lottiegarbanzo · 14/12/2019 21:59

Proof-reading and getting into the content, or even just structure, are two completely different things.

Do you have expertise in the sibject he's studying?

Purpleartichoke · 14/12/2019 21:59

Doing a read through for a fellow
Student or now as an academic, a colleague, is totally reasonable. Another set of eyes help catch grammatical errors and unclear sections. If your DH was a traditional student, he could have another student, probably one he is sharing accommodations with, act as that second set of eyes. Since he is a non-traditional student, it is much harder for him to find someone to trade off this sort of thing with. Having his spouse step in is perfectly normal.

Chloemol · 14/12/2019 21:59

YABVU. I can’t believe you would be prepared to support him

99RedBalloonsFloating · 14/12/2019 22:00

That's great you have offered to read through. There should be some kind of support at uni in essay writing skills and it's also quite an acquired skill to do good academic writing. So if I were in your place as long as I could see effort and improvement on his side in developing the skills for himself I would always be happy to read and critique.

Chloemol · 14/12/2019 22:00

Would should be wouldn’t

rhubarbcrumbles · 14/12/2019 22:00

How does he feel about you being so unsupportive?

bluebellation · 14/12/2019 22:01

Glad you've decided to look over it tomorrow . I proof read all my DDs university essays, just to check for stuff they might have missed. It's a sensible move, and you should feel pleased your DH trusts your judgement and wants your input.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/12/2019 22:02

I think it's very normal to ask a friend to read something to see if it flows, make sense to a 'non-expert reader' and there are obvious errors.

It does get so hard to spot little mistakes in your own work, especially on screen. (Always print out and read the paper copy).

Serin · 14/12/2019 22:03

Blimey, there' s 3 students in our house.
And DH and I also have to write regular reports.

It's kind of expected that all of us check each others work.

I thought that's how homes worked.

StillWeRise · 14/12/2019 22:03

I agree with most PPs, it would be mean not to, BUT....it does depend on the level of correction likely to be needed. Years ago a friend proof read her DHs PhD. Somehow - I can't quite remember why- this task got passed on to me and I was paid to do it. Quite rightly, because he had dyslexia and his sentences- paragraphs even were so mangled that it was really a case of rewriting rather than proof reading, meaning I had to completely understand what he was intending to say, which was only possible if I was well acquainted with the topic (which I wasn't so I had to do a bit of reading....)
Now that level of 'help' IMO would be wifework.

grumpymummy72 · 14/12/2019 22:05

Glad you've changed your mind. I've just graduated through the OU and I really valued my DH reading my assignments to check for typos and over complex sentences, for instance. Even though his degree was in the same subject he admitted the content went over his head. But it was still very useful and made me feel supported, particularly when I worried I was taking too much out of family life for it.