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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want friends using our home whilst we’re away

435 replies

Chercando · 13/12/2019 22:33

We live in a tourist area and have for 5yrs. Most of our long standing friends live in the city and in the time we’ve been here we’ve had visitors I can count on 1 hand (and even then because they’ve had business in the area/funerals/other friends or family to see) and this is despite us having 2 babies in this time. Contact has been mainly because we’ve driven 7hrs to see them. My partner has known these friends for over 10yrs and me about 7yrs.
We’re going away over Xmas and a couple from the group heard about this. They are currently travelling around the country deciding where to settle and have just come back from 5mths travelling overseas too. They’ve had a few months of staying with members of the friends group in the city and want to stay in our house whilst we’re away, especially because it’s the place to be for the holidays. They ‘might’ do a night with us at our holiday place but more to make getting the keys ‘easier’. I haven’t spoken to them for 3yrs despite sending messages and my partner’s seen the guy 2 times. They haven’t been in touch at all since they came back from travelling.
He’s said yes to them staying but I feel really uncomfortable with this. This is our family home, they’ll be sleeping in either our bed or our children’s rooms and they also want to have another couple we know around whilst we’re away. There’s been no talk of them all coming to join us for the day (it’s only a 40min drive from our house) and I feel like we’re being used a bit. My partners really upset I’ve compromised at them staying but not using the house to entertain. He thinks this is insulting especially to the other couple who we are actually much closer to. I just don’t want them thinking it’s a free for all and the stress of clearing things away, getting rooms ready, paying utilities whilst we’re away etc. I am quite a private person and it’s really important to me that my home is my sanctuary which I have some control over but my partner doesn’t seem to understand.

OP posts:
PokeThePoker · 14/12/2019 03:15

No way!

Tell them no. They don't need a reason. As above, I would go with the mn classic of does not work for us, if pressed for one but don't feel obliged to explain.

Womenwotlunch · 14/12/2019 03:17

I would never agree to this.

justcly · 14/12/2019 03:24

Inform them that you want £150 per night plus a substantial security deposit before they set a toe over the threshold. If they argue, point out that if you had wanted strangers (yes, they are) staying in your house you could have advertised it on Airbnb and got substantially more. If they don't pay up front, they don't get the keys.

transformandriseup · 14/12/2019 03:24

YANBU - I say this as someone who had to endure my parents "friends" staying at our house in Cornwall every summer when really they just wanted a cheap holiday. At one point we had people camping in the garden.

TheSerenDipitY · 14/12/2019 03:35

send them a email saying that your husband has informed you they wish to book in for xzy date to abc date, tell them you have checked the bookings and the house is available on those dates and if they could please make sure they deposit "huge amount of pounds " to cover the non refundable booking fee and make sure the balance "of huge amount of pounds" is paid the week prior to their arrival to ensure you hold the booking for them :) ill bet they will back right the fuck off knowing they have to pay for the "free" accommodation in the sort after holiday destination

QuiteForgetful · 14/12/2019 04:02

I would contact them immediately, and say they can't use the house while you're away. Your husband did not realize it clashes with your plans.

No need to tell them your plans are not having Fairweather friends use you & your home for a free b&b.

PavlovsDeafDog · 14/12/2019 04:04

Tell your partner to tell them that he was mistaken.
Or just tell them yourself, and honestly say that you're not comfortable with it. (I've done exactly this in the past, and the issue was over with immediately.) No apology necessary. They were taking a chance by asking.

But if you want an excuse, I agree with @Hollywolly1 and @Italiangreyhound
Although, the CFers will probably go snooping around there while you're gone.

As it stands now, I would prefer to decide to stay home alone myself, rather than feel obligated to allow anyone I don't want, to use my home; or feel guilty about not allowing it.

Your partner should not have put you in the position in the first place.
And the CFer chancers were out of line to ask.

PavlovsDeafDog · 14/12/2019 04:13

btw - by tellng them simply that you're not comfortable with it, you'll also avoid the chance of having to deal with this scenario again, in the years to come.

aHintOfPercy · 14/12/2019 04:26

This is the sort of thing my people pleaser DH would do and it drives me mad. Never feel bad about denying users what they want. Their sort usually have a hide thicker than a rhinoceros and will quickly move on to the next sucker.

kateandme · 14/12/2019 04:41

even before them not being true friend or bothering with you you were well within your rights to not want this.it doesnt make you unkind or any other such thinng.it makes this your home and to many it can be a precious space.and or just YOUR home so you dont need to ever explain or think anything of saying no to anyone else staying there.
they could be your best friends in the world nd it would still be ok.
please dont entertain this.

kateandme · 14/12/2019 04:42

if they take issue they arent worht it.and so what if they do?you wont see them for another three years...and the difference is???

pollyglot · 14/12/2019 04:45

Can you organise a professional house-sitter to be there for the time you are away? I would have thought that having someone in residence in a holiday/tourist area would be a useful security measure. Certainly not some CF "friend" though.

Kisskiss · 14/12/2019 05:07

People who only get in contact when they want something are not friends.

Just say No. nothing to feel bad aboit

JolieOBrien · 14/12/2019 05:09

No way!

I am very particular who uses my bathrooms and toilets. Not to mention I have cream carpet in upstairs and no one is allowed to wear shoes upstairs.

JolieOBrien · 14/12/2019 05:10

cream carpets in the upstairs bedrooms I meant to type

memaymamo · 14/12/2019 05:16

OP, I had this exact situation. It was hugely stressful because they would not take no for an answer, kept calling back with more suggested ways it could work to stay in our house.

What's worse - they booked plane tickets to come, assuming they could house sit. So then laid on the guilt about how much money they'd spent and had no place to stay. Why did we even need our house, since we were going away etc etc.

I think we actually lost the friendship over it, such as it was. They still think we were hugely unreasonable.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/12/2019 05:17

No way would I be ok with this. Extra special cheeky fuckery to ask if friends can stay too. Let me guess, these would be a set of friends they’ve been freeloading off and have promised to repay the kindness..... at your expense.

Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 14/12/2019 05:29

No way would I be ok with this. Tell them that you're DH didn't know or forgot that you had arranged for family or a house sitter or whatever, to give you an easy excuse.

Disfordarkchocolate · 14/12/2019 05:31

I would text them "hello cheeky fuckers. Sorry, my husband thought you were friends, not freeloaders who haven't spoken to his wife for 3 years and now want free accommodation for Christmas'

Hollywolly1 · 14/12/2019 05:31

Memaymamo,you are very lucky you lost that friendship with those users such absolute cheek In fact they were so cheeky it made it easier to say no

WellErrr · 14/12/2019 05:40

Yanbu at all!

mathanxiety · 14/12/2019 05:42

Even the thought of this is making me twitch.

81Byerley · 14/12/2019 05:42

An email or phone call. "Sorry, thought we'd better let you know ASAP the house won't be available for you to stay in after all. Hope you find a nice B&B instead. Happy Christmas!"

BrokenLogs · 14/12/2019 05:47

Absolutely no way! How are some people such CF without a care Hmm

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 14/12/2019 05:48

OP do not let these people use you.

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