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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want friends using our home whilst we’re away

435 replies

Chercando · 13/12/2019 22:33

We live in a tourist area and have for 5yrs. Most of our long standing friends live in the city and in the time we’ve been here we’ve had visitors I can count on 1 hand (and even then because they’ve had business in the area/funerals/other friends or family to see) and this is despite us having 2 babies in this time. Contact has been mainly because we’ve driven 7hrs to see them. My partner has known these friends for over 10yrs and me about 7yrs.
We’re going away over Xmas and a couple from the group heard about this. They are currently travelling around the country deciding where to settle and have just come back from 5mths travelling overseas too. They’ve had a few months of staying with members of the friends group in the city and want to stay in our house whilst we’re away, especially because it’s the place to be for the holidays. They ‘might’ do a night with us at our holiday place but more to make getting the keys ‘easier’. I haven’t spoken to them for 3yrs despite sending messages and my partner’s seen the guy 2 times. They haven’t been in touch at all since they came back from travelling.
He’s said yes to them staying but I feel really uncomfortable with this. This is our family home, they’ll be sleeping in either our bed or our children’s rooms and they also want to have another couple we know around whilst we’re away. There’s been no talk of them all coming to join us for the day (it’s only a 40min drive from our house) and I feel like we’re being used a bit. My partners really upset I’ve compromised at them staying but not using the house to entertain. He thinks this is insulting especially to the other couple who we are actually much closer to. I just don’t want them thinking it’s a free for all and the stress of clearing things away, getting rooms ready, paying utilities whilst we’re away etc. I am quite a private person and it’s really important to me that my home is my sanctuary which I have some control over but my partner doesn’t seem to understand.

OP posts:
Andysbestadventure · 13/12/2019 23:55

Would 100% not let them stay.

perfectstorm · 13/12/2019 23:59

They're not friends. Friends don't treat one another like that.

Really sorry, OP. Your DP doesn't sound like he wants to actually face up to the reality of this being about using you. They've not bothered for 3 years, and even now want your house, and not your company?! No.

Thehagonthehillwithtinsel · 14/12/2019 00:07

Bag up all towels and sheets and put them in the loft,don't clean,do breakfast dishes,empty fridge and leave them to it.If they and your IH insist on them coming just let them sort it not you.

Hollywolly1 · 14/12/2019 00:11

Eh okay so not alone do the CF'S want to live in your house while your away but they going to invite others to stay in your house while your away,just make an excuse immediately and say someone is already arranged to stay while your away,forget what your husband said just say he didn't know.No way can you possibly allow this to happen

incognitomum · 14/12/2019 00:14

Shock Fuck no!!

Your dh wants a shake.

Sh05 · 14/12/2019 00:20

It's a decision that you should have made together.
No way would I allow them to stay. Just tell them straight exactly how you've put it here. If they haven't been in touch for as long as you say , you won't be losing anything if this means the end of the friendship.

HowDoYouLikeThoseSuedeApples · 14/12/2019 00:25

Christmas Cocklodgers/Festive Freeloaders - just no !

TemptingTess · 14/12/2019 00:26

If you're not wanting a confrontation say the boiler is playing up and needs replacing whilst you're away or something similar. I would feel the same

Jupiters · 14/12/2019 00:37

100% no, not a chance.

katy1213 · 14/12/2019 00:37

What a cheek. I wouldn't be too concerned about offending them - they sound like former friends except when it suits them. Sounds like they've been free-loading off a chain of people before you, too - nice life, really, no rent, no winter gas bill.

Fatasfooook · 14/12/2019 00:39

Big no no.

gumpforestgump · 14/12/2019 00:41

Just say your aunt/ cousin etc is staying, apologies you’ve double booked. It’s not possible for you to share due to xyz

Given it’s coming up quickly you need to do that quickly I imagine!

In the grand scale of things in life it isn’t a big deal, they are not asking for a kidney for example - but if you’re not comfortable make an excuse that’s not possible for them to turn around a solution on.

cstaff · 14/12/2019 00:46

It's not like you are going to lose good friends because they haven't been good friends for many years. Your house is not a holiday home. It is YOUR home.

Kleptronic · 14/12/2019 00:53

Tell them no. Or, tell your DH to tell them no. In an actually, that doesn't work for us style, as he clearly does not have enough face to simply say no.

Catsandchardonnay · 14/12/2019 00:55

No way. Just use the Mumsnet classic: “that doesn’t work for us”.

MonChatEstMagnifique · 14/12/2019 01:09

YANBU. They’re definitely using you. I’d tell them that they can’t stay after all.

Durgasarrow · 14/12/2019 01:10

You are no doubt right in thinking that they will snoop through your things and treat them badly. They have a lot of nerve thinking that they would have the right to entertain guests in your home!

StoneofDestiny · 14/12/2019 01:14

No chance.
Tell them there has been a change of plan and your home is not available.

fuckingwhat · 14/12/2019 01:37

Wtf. No way would I let them stay in my house! Your husband is wet. I'd message them myself and say sorry you can't stay, change of plans.

firawla · 14/12/2019 01:38

No way I would let them stay at all. Get them cancelled!

SleighOfSparkliness · 14/12/2019 02:01

Nope. Your DH needs to find a spine.

Sunflower20 · 14/12/2019 02:34

No no no...you have to tell them where to go. I never understand how people have the audacity to use others like that! They’ve made no effort with you but expect to use your home for free?

Italiangreyhound · 14/12/2019 02:48

YADNBU, it is totally wrong of them to do this and your partner should have asked you.

I agree with Katzia if your partner does insist, then he does all the cleaning and preparation but I would be tempted to say you have changed your plans and may be home anyway.

Italiangreyhound · 14/12/2019 02:49

Holly "... make an excuse immediately and say someone is already arranged to stay while your away,forget what your husband said just say he didn't know"

I like this one, face saving for your dh, (not that he deserves it!) and gets the job done. You have other friends, doncha know!

alexdgr8 · 14/12/2019 03:02

you contact these people and tell them firmly that they cannot stay in your house. and confirm it in writing. and keep hold of all keys.
no need for reasons, cert not excuses.
but if you want simply tell them that your husband spoke without consulting you and it is not acceptable to you.
do not discuss further.
set the scene as you wish to go on.
avoid extraneous emotions. state your truth. clearly. simply. confidently.

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