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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want friends using our home whilst we’re away

435 replies

Chercando · 13/12/2019 22:33

We live in a tourist area and have for 5yrs. Most of our long standing friends live in the city and in the time we’ve been here we’ve had visitors I can count on 1 hand (and even then because they’ve had business in the area/funerals/other friends or family to see) and this is despite us having 2 babies in this time. Contact has been mainly because we’ve driven 7hrs to see them. My partner has known these friends for over 10yrs and me about 7yrs.
We’re going away over Xmas and a couple from the group heard about this. They are currently travelling around the country deciding where to settle and have just come back from 5mths travelling overseas too. They’ve had a few months of staying with members of the friends group in the city and want to stay in our house whilst we’re away, especially because it’s the place to be for the holidays. They ‘might’ do a night with us at our holiday place but more to make getting the keys ‘easier’. I haven’t spoken to them for 3yrs despite sending messages and my partner’s seen the guy 2 times. They haven’t been in touch at all since they came back from travelling.
He’s said yes to them staying but I feel really uncomfortable with this. This is our family home, they’ll be sleeping in either our bed or our children’s rooms and they also want to have another couple we know around whilst we’re away. There’s been no talk of them all coming to join us for the day (it’s only a 40min drive from our house) and I feel like we’re being used a bit. My partners really upset I’ve compromised at them staying but not using the house to entertain. He thinks this is insulting especially to the other couple who we are actually much closer to. I just don’t want them thinking it’s a free for all and the stress of clearing things away, getting rooms ready, paying utilities whilst we’re away etc. I am quite a private person and it’s really important to me that my home is my sanctuary which I have some control over but my partner doesn’t seem to understand.

OP posts:
DrManhattan · 14/12/2019 07:40

Pi$$takers

WorkingAsHardAsICan · 14/12/2019 07:40

I have let good friends stay at my house while I was away but would not let someone who I had not spoken to for 3 years. YANBU

chocatoo · 14/12/2019 07:45

I would just say that DH made a mistake and that unfortunately the house is not available.

Sparkletastic · 14/12/2019 07:46

I'd text saying 'I understand that DP has agreed to you using our house while we are away? This isn't ok with me so won't be happening. Have a good Christmas.'

Orangecake123 · 14/12/2019 07:48

Just say no OP.

You've not spoken to hem for three years already- what difference will it really make?

neverdoingthatagain100 · 14/12/2019 07:48

It's a big no from me. What was your OH thinking? My stress levels would be through the roof if that was happening here.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 14/12/2019 07:50

Just no OP. I wouldnt be comfortable with this arrangement either. I would feel like my home was being violated..I am a bit protective of my home and it just wouldn;t happen....

fedup21 · 14/12/2019 07:50

I would hate this and would never agree!

Why did your DH agree without asking you first??

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 14/12/2019 07:56

You can lie:
Tell them the boilers broken down, so no heating or hot water. It's not going to be fixed until the day before you get back from your own trip, and you are going to have to shut the water off completely incase the pipes freeze.
Or just tell the truth
DH was caught off guard when you asked him and has a lovely generous nature so of course he said yes. But now we've had chance to think through all the implications and work involved for us. I'm afraid we are just not in a fit state to deal with that. We really need a nice relaxing break after a hard year, hence us actually taking a break ! I'm sure you understand. But we wish you luck with your house hunting and would be delighted to show you round the area in the new year if you find somewhere local to stay for a weekend. Xx

madcatladyforever · 14/12/2019 08:03

Tell the pisstakers you have relatives staying then so it's not convenient. Your DH has been too soft now wants you to be the fall guy.

Chercando · 14/12/2019 08:30

Thanks Ladies! So many ideas, some far more hilariously blunt that I can carry off! Feels good to know consensus is I’m not being to quote DH ‘difficult’! He thinks there’s nothing wrong with the sudden out of the blue approach to ‘house sit’. I’ve left him to consider some of your well worded comments Grin

P.S I’m a Brit living in New Zealand so christmas is the big summer break for us. Our holiday is a tent by the beach for a week - cheap as chips Smile

OP posts:
AllYouGoodGoodPeople · 14/12/2019 08:34

You haven't spoken to them in 3 years but they expect you to spend your Christmas cleaning and tidying up after them ... and it's not that they now want to actually be friends, they still don't actually want to spend any time with you, just your house.

It's a fuck no from me.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 14/12/2019 08:36

It doesn't matter where it is @inglenooks and probably best not to draw the OP on it on social media given they have stated they will be away. Unless of course they fancy a nice visit from someone wearing a mask and carrying a bag marked "Swag"

@daisychain01 I’m all for social media privacy and all that but don’t be so ridiculous! Even the most committed burglar is going to have a hard time identifying OP’s address from a town and an anonymous username. This isn’t Facebook.

mummmy2017 · 14/12/2019 08:47

Tell your DH that the money you would be saving with your cheap holiday, and no untilities will be offset by the massive bill CF leave you, from endless showers, eatting all your spare food, the washing, the having to tidy the garden after their party.
The fact you can't just drive home if ill or bad weather .
Shopping to replace the free items they used, shower toilet roll, washing stuff.

The having to go into cleaning mode before you can unpack. Ect.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 14/12/2019 08:50

Are you husband and the friends all Kiwis? From my experience of friends out there, Kiwis tend to be a bit more laid back about hospitality, privacy etc. Could that be the root of your difference in opinion?

Thehop · 14/12/2019 08:50

Absolutely no effing chance.

Popebenedictsp45 · 14/12/2019 08:50

I'm also in NZ, OP, in a popular tourist area. The amount of people wanting to stay each summer is insane.

I recently vetoed DH's boss from 2011 coming to stay for a week. I met her once in 2011. DH last heard from her about three years ago. He seemed to think it was a reasonable request. I said we would love to see her but the house was full. Oddly, she has decided to skip our town now.

PeppermintPatty10 · 14/12/2019 08:53

As above, definitely not. Phone then yourself and say sorry for the confusion but you’re not able to accommodate them.

7yo7yo · 14/12/2019 09:01

I wouldn’t even make excuses.
I’d send them a message to say

DH has said you can stay at our home while we are away but you can’t.

Marnie76 · 14/12/2019 09:09

So they only want to make the effort to come and see you ........... when you’re not there! DH needs to see they are not friends in any sense of the word.

billy1966 · 14/12/2019 09:11

The one who is "difficult" is your twat husband telling someone whom you haven't seen in years they can use your home.

Absolutely NOT.

I think the text that "I believe husband told you, you can stay at our house while we are away, but he was unaware that I have already made plans".

No explanation. No apology.
Absolute CF's.

Your husband also needs a good talking too.
Idiot.
💐

Crystal87 · 14/12/2019 09:14

Fuck that.

starfishmummy · 14/12/2019 09:17

Knock this on the head NOW. It gives them time to make other arrangements. The longer you leave it the harder it will be.

Tell them your insurance wont allow it - I have no idea if it does or not, and unless they have access to your policy details they wont either.

OhioOhioOhio · 14/12/2019 09:21

What billy said.

Im honestly reeling for you.

Miniloso · 14/12/2019 09:28

Override this and send a message saying he has made a mistake. No way under any circumstances would I allow this.

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