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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want friends using our home whilst we’re away

435 replies

Chercando · 13/12/2019 22:33

We live in a tourist area and have for 5yrs. Most of our long standing friends live in the city and in the time we’ve been here we’ve had visitors I can count on 1 hand (and even then because they’ve had business in the area/funerals/other friends or family to see) and this is despite us having 2 babies in this time. Contact has been mainly because we’ve driven 7hrs to see them. My partner has known these friends for over 10yrs and me about 7yrs.
We’re going away over Xmas and a couple from the group heard about this. They are currently travelling around the country deciding where to settle and have just come back from 5mths travelling overseas too. They’ve had a few months of staying with members of the friends group in the city and want to stay in our house whilst we’re away, especially because it’s the place to be for the holidays. They ‘might’ do a night with us at our holiday place but more to make getting the keys ‘easier’. I haven’t spoken to them for 3yrs despite sending messages and my partner’s seen the guy 2 times. They haven’t been in touch at all since they came back from travelling.
He’s said yes to them staying but I feel really uncomfortable with this. This is our family home, they’ll be sleeping in either our bed or our children’s rooms and they also want to have another couple we know around whilst we’re away. There’s been no talk of them all coming to join us for the day (it’s only a 40min drive from our house) and I feel like we’re being used a bit. My partners really upset I’ve compromised at them staying but not using the house to entertain. He thinks this is insulting especially to the other couple who we are actually much closer to. I just don’t want them thinking it’s a free for all and the stress of clearing things away, getting rooms ready, paying utilities whilst we’re away etc. I am quite a private person and it’s really important to me that my home is my sanctuary which I have some control over but my partner doesn’t seem to understand.

OP posts:
Cuddling57 · 13/12/2019 23:22

I wouldn't be able to cope with that.
Also I'd be more than happy for my partner to tell them no and blame me fully!

TitsInAbsentia · 13/12/2019 23:22

Knock that cheeky fuckery right on the head! Say you've already got someone staying...they don't need to know who...

mumwon · 13/12/2019 23:23

anything goes wrong your insurance wont cover it. Op don't simples - you will regret it

messolini9 · 13/12/2019 23:24

He’s said yes to them staying
Ye Dogs that's ... a unilateral decision to make about a shared home!
Not to mention awkward for you to now put your foot down.

So tempting just to contact the CF's yourself & give them both barrels - "You haven't visited us in 5 years altho we have driven 7 hours to make sure we saw you. You haven't responded to any messages from me in the past 3 years, & didn't make contact with us when you got back from travelling. But now you know that our house is empty, you suddenly re-establish contact, making it clear that you don't want to visit us, you want to visit out house.
I understand you may deign to drop by our holiday accommodation to pick up keys to our house, but haven't bothered to make plans to ensure you get social time with us. I feel hurt & used by that, & don't want to loan my home & private space out to people who can treat me with such disregard. Please make separate arrangement to see DH - assuming you can be arsed - but you have more than demonstrated that you are not close friends & I do not want you staying in my home."

I am quite probably being unreasonable OP, but this would enrage, insult & in some small part actually amuse me with the sheer fucking gall of it!

I would also send the text without hesitation, because if my partner had felt it was ok to make a unilateral decision, so could I.
& yes, it's the hill I'd choose to die on - while DP got to choose between pissing off 2 CF's who don't give a toss about him, or me ...

Smelborp · 13/12/2019 23:24

Nope. I would not like this at all.

NoWeAreNotNearlyThereYet · 13/12/2019 23:24

You're being used. Simple as that. Is that how you allow people to treat you and your home?
Some PP's have suggested making excuses. Quite frankly I don't understand why. These people haven't even been in contact for three years, and have ignored your messages. Now they want to use your house like a free Air B&B they are suddenly back in touch. Fuck that. Are you going to both act like doormats to these users?

katewhinesalot · 13/12/2019 23:25

Nope and nope. Don't agree to this. CF's for even asking this.

PlasticPatty · 13/12/2019 23:25

Put a stop to this right now.

messolini9 · 13/12/2019 23:26

Holiday cocklodgers? - Damn right, Disford!

SillyMoomin · 13/12/2019 23:27

I wouldn’t even let them stay, let alone stay and entertain

Good friends who has stayed in touch and made an effort- yes

These free loaders- no

eddielizzard · 13/12/2019 23:28

No way! Is your DH a people pleaser?

TrickyKid · 13/12/2019 23:28

No chance.

WanderingBar · 13/12/2019 23:29

Absolutely no way! Your DH should't have said yes without making sure you were both happy with the arrangement.

Pugsleyaddams · 13/12/2019 23:29

What they're looking for is an Air B&B. Are you registered with Air B&B? No? Then they need to go and find someone who is. Perhaps DH can go with them Grin

Creepster · 13/12/2019 23:30

You need to have a talk with you H about the difference between friends and long term acquaintances.
Then another talk about the liability involved in letting acquaintances occupy your house while you are gone.

Mumtotwo82 · 13/12/2019 23:36

This is the type of thing partners need to discuss before agreeing. I would feel the same you haven't spoken to them in ages and they are using you. Your partner is out of order though for agreeing, when you're obviously not happy.

Pumpkintopf · 13/12/2019 23:38

Agreed. This would be a lot of additional work and stress for you. I'd say no.

Tooner · 13/12/2019 23:38

Not a chance. They have a bloody cheek just using you for the use of your hime. Some people have the cheek of the devil.

Babynamechangerr · 13/12/2019 23:39

No. It's a violation and will cause so much extra work. There are so many private things in a home that you'd have to make sure weren't easily accessible (eg your bank statements if someone wants to find out how much you earn, or your sexy underwear or vibratory).

Then there's all the cleaning before and after, laundry for sheets and towels. You also don't know them well enough, what if they leave a door unlocked or break something?

Just don't do it OP, make up any excuse.

NigellaAwesome · 13/12/2019 23:43

Absolutely not. What CFs.

I like the idea of just saying that other people are already stating and DH wasn't aware. Or say that you are getting work done to the house when you are away.

GoodDogBellaBoo · 13/12/2019 23:44

It is your HOME. Your private beds, your private everything. Not a free hotel for Christmas. Your partner needs to tell them he’s made a mistake, he can use whatever excuse he wants.

Drum2018 · 13/12/2019 23:44

No way would I do this. Is your Dh planning to clean prior to their arrival, change beds and change again on your return, do all the washing of bedclothes towels, etc that they use? There is no way in hell I'd compromise at all on this. It would be a flat out no to their cf request. You can still back out now. Just tell them that on reflection it won't be possible to stay at your house. You don't need to make up excuses or apologise. Just say NO.

cannycat20 · 13/12/2019 23:46

Leaving aside the fact that your partner has gone behind your back on this, if you really can't get out of them using your home like a free b&b while you aren't even there, after not having bothered with you for years, then might I suggest what an ex of mine did once?

I was furious with him as it was my sister who was staying, and the penny hadn't dropped in his stupid noggin that this was not appropriate, but for these types of "friends" I'd definitely take a leaf out of his book...let's just say it's amazing what a little itching powder on the sheets can do to make a night's sleep uncomfortable...

goldfinchfan · 13/12/2019 23:50

After sch a long gap you don't even really know these people anymore.
To want to include their friends is over cheeky.

Do they have kids? Anyway it should be a no. Tell them your plans are now fluid as you have two children and it is not a good idea.

ittakes2 · 13/12/2019 23:54

I would hate this - tell them you have a flea infestation and are fumigating the house while away. Or you now need to have work done. I think its terribly rude of them to not respond to you for 3 years and then treat your home like a hotel.