Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want friends using our home whilst we’re away

435 replies

Chercando · 13/12/2019 22:33

We live in a tourist area and have for 5yrs. Most of our long standing friends live in the city and in the time we’ve been here we’ve had visitors I can count on 1 hand (and even then because they’ve had business in the area/funerals/other friends or family to see) and this is despite us having 2 babies in this time. Contact has been mainly because we’ve driven 7hrs to see them. My partner has known these friends for over 10yrs and me about 7yrs.
We’re going away over Xmas and a couple from the group heard about this. They are currently travelling around the country deciding where to settle and have just come back from 5mths travelling overseas too. They’ve had a few months of staying with members of the friends group in the city and want to stay in our house whilst we’re away, especially because it’s the place to be for the holidays. They ‘might’ do a night with us at our holiday place but more to make getting the keys ‘easier’. I haven’t spoken to them for 3yrs despite sending messages and my partner’s seen the guy 2 times. They haven’t been in touch at all since they came back from travelling.
He’s said yes to them staying but I feel really uncomfortable with this. This is our family home, they’ll be sleeping in either our bed or our children’s rooms and they also want to have another couple we know around whilst we’re away. There’s been no talk of them all coming to join us for the day (it’s only a 40min drive from our house) and I feel like we’re being used a bit. My partners really upset I’ve compromised at them staying but not using the house to entertain. He thinks this is insulting especially to the other couple who we are actually much closer to. I just don’t want them thinking it’s a free for all and the stress of clearing things away, getting rooms ready, paying utilities whilst we’re away etc. I am quite a private person and it’s really important to me that my home is my sanctuary which I have some control over but my partner doesn’t seem to understand.

OP posts:
BloggersBlog · 17/12/2019 18:38

She wont stand up for herself, and she wont be back. Sad but the little man wins here I reckon

crosstalk · 17/12/2019 19:16

Agree with PPs - leave your DH to do the prep and certainly don't make up beds. I would also seriously check the insurance and leave a list (having emailed it beforehand) of things that need to be done. And make sure there's no drink or food you would want them not to consume in the house.

CallmeAngelina · 17/12/2019 21:58

Bottom line is, you have to make the consequences for him of letting them stay are greater (by which I mean far worse) than they would be for "giving in" to you.
He's not budging? You need to dig your heels in even deeper.

Original poster
Chercando · 17/12/2019 22:27

Wow, didn’t realise it would create such strong opinion! So I’m not rolling over or bowing down to the ‘man of the house’ or any other of the passive woman things people have hinted at, you pick your battles and I am definitely not in an abusive relationship. What I have is a people pleaser husband and little time to argue this point and put a dampener on a holiday we’ve been waiting for over a year to have. I’m putting the pressure back on the CFs who started this and they’ll have a list of rules and requirements whilst they’re in our home, there’s going to be no doubt in their minds they’ve over stepped the mark. And if not, this type of freeloader will get their comeuppance some time down the road and I can hold my head up that I, like 1999+ of you agree, ANBU!! Wink

OP posts:
MyMajesty · 17/12/2019 23:29

Sorry, Chercando, that looks like rolling over, to me.

The CFs will just think you are nuts, leaving them your nit-picking list, and you'll still get to think about them being in your home while you're away.

Happy holidays!

SecretMillionaire · 17/12/2019 23:52

Bottom line is what they wanted they got, you didn’t. A list means nothing. They have walked all over you and your husband and you’ve both let them.

stayathomegardener · 18/12/2019 00:05

Pretty much betting your holiday will be spoiled now anyway because you will keep wondering what the CF are doing in your house whilst you are away.
I know I would.

Mumek · 18/12/2019 00:22

Sorry Chercando, they have absolutely no respect for you - don't expect them to have any respect for your home.

messolini9 · 18/12/2019 00:29

have a list of rules and requirements whilst they’re in our home, there’s going to be no doubt in their minds they’ve over stepped the mark

Chercando, with courtesy - you have rolled over entirely, your are now people-pleasing your people-pleasing husband, & everything is EXACTLY as it was before you posted your thread.

Except you are leaving a list.

You know how much the CF's are going to care about your list, don't you? Yup, that's it, as much as they care about you.
Passive-aggressive notes don't change situations. Your CF's won't care one jot whether your note indicates your dissatisfaction, & if they are even aware of 'over-stepping a mark', they won't give a shit.

Anyway - your life, your call obviously - just don't be surprised if similar irritations keep happening because your DH won't challenge anyone's daft assumptions, & you won't challenge DH.

I hope the CF's at least leave your place clean & tidy, & that you & your family have the lovely holiday that you have been looking forward to for so long, with no worries or resentments left over from this incident.

SkaraBrae · 18/12/2019 07:03

I don't want to be mean OP but from the way you've described them, they will probably piss themselves laughing at your list.

Don't be surprised it is shared on social media and people (who wouldn't have heard your side of the story) comment on what a weird control freak you are. Sad

mathanxiety · 18/12/2019 07:13

What I have is a people pleaser husband and little time to argue this point and put a dampener on a holiday we’ve been waiting for over a year to have

Sorry, what?

You mean you are going to do a massive amount of work to prepare for the completely unwelcome visitors after appealing in vain to your H to cancel their visit, and then head off for a holiday without giving the state of your house or your things a second thought?

Or do you mean you don't want to put a dampener on your husband's holiday by not allowing him to pull the rank he imagines he has in your marriage?

You don't have to argue at all. Just pick up the phone and tell the CFs that they can't stay.

Would your H ruin your holiday if you did that?

Loopytiles · 18/12/2019 07:36

Not necessary to argue if your H is reasonable.

Your H has chosen to literally accommodate acquaintances against your wishes. You’ve chosen to be passive rather than risk annoying your H.

The lists for the visitors would be passive aggressive: assertiveness would have been far better.

londonrach · 18/12/2019 07:43

Op...they just ignore the list, they cfs. They dont care to contact you in x amount of years. Hope tou good insurance for misding broken items. Just say no or go away day before and dont leave key. Stop people pleasing this cf couple. No means no!

Boxerbinky · 18/12/2019 07:46

@Chercando the irony here is that even though your silly dh put you in this position - YOU have now made the decision to allow them to stay - granted under slight duress.. but posters here now are insistent that you are weak to make that choice. Of course they wouldn't stand for it, you are rolling over and your dh is abusive. In rl most would do the same, the reality is that you are making the best of the shitty situation he landed you in, so you can get away and enjoy your own choices for Xmas.

I'm sure you have now made it clear that your dh has to check before making unilateral designs in the future - and hopefully he will think twice before doing so again. But you are totally right, enjoy the holiday YOU are looking forward to. To make an argument and spoil Christmas would be ridiculous. If course if he does it again ltb!! Grin

Loopytiles · 18/12/2019 07:47

Yeah, CFs will laugh at the lists, do as they please and make jokes about the lists, you, and “rebelling” and “being naughty” by doing things “wrong”.

Loopytiles · 18/12/2019 07:51

OP isn’t making the best of it, though. And she has acquiesced due to concern that her H’s behaviours if she doesn’t could be unpleasant and “put a dampner on” their holiday. Not necessarily an indicator that he’a abusive, but hardly a healthy dynamic.

Disfordarkchocolate · 18/12/2019 07:53

I think you have rolled over, for most people the only time needed would have been one text to the CF's.

LazyDaisey · 18/12/2019 07:54

“I don't want to be mean OP but from the way you've described them, they will probably piss themselves laughing at your list.

Don't be surprised it is shared on social media and people (who wouldn't have heard your side of the story) comment on what a weird control freak you are.”

This with bells on. They will definitely show the other couple and all have a great laugh at you on your sofa with their feet up on your furniture.

Mamia15 · 18/12/2019 08:01

Can't you see that the list is an act of passive aggressiveness?

You're fooling yourself when you say you're not rolling over or bending down🙄

billy1966 · 18/12/2019 08:04

I agree with above.
They don't care enough to visit or stay in contact.
I'd say they are thrilled that ye agreed, and probably can't believe they pulled it off!

As for your list OP, good luck with that!
Like they will care either way.
They don't want to keep in contact.

You say you are not in an abusive relationship, well I can tell you most certainly, that you are not in a respectful one.

Definitely check out your insurance. I have no doubt they'll mess up somewhere in the house.

Re the "damper on the holiday"...that boat has sailed, and this will niggle for your holiday as you wait to see in what state these CF's have deign to leave your home in.

You were well warned.
Good luck.

Berthatydfil · 18/12/2019 08:04

Op they don’t care about you - if they did they would have made more effort to keep in touch with you.
So if they don’t care about you they certainly won’t care about your list.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 18/12/2019 08:27

Everyone posting here is right. You have rolled over. Leaving a list is the worst thing to do. If you are going to let this happen at least do so with insouciance and aplomb! Absolutely do not get the house ready. Don’t be that mug.

Honestly though if I were you I’d phone them up and tell them you have bed bugs and they can’t come! Seriously just phone them yourself. Today. And say something has changed. You don’t want to discuss it but it’s no longer possible for them to come. Don’t say why. These people don’t care about you. They are not your friends. Why on earth would you let them stay in your house?

wateringtrees · 18/12/2019 08:29

Ahh a people pleasing husband. Who wants to please everyone but you.

Rainycloudyday · 18/12/2019 08:32

You have totally laid down and let them wipe their feet on you. Them and your husband. You won’t enjoy your holiday because you’ll be wondering what on earth is going on in your home. I can’t believe you’ve let this go ahead.

Rainycloudyday · 18/12/2019 08:32

Ahh a people pleasing husband. Who wants to please everyone but you.

This, with bells on. Think about it hard OP.