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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want friends using our home whilst we’re away

435 replies

Chercando · 13/12/2019 22:33

We live in a tourist area and have for 5yrs. Most of our long standing friends live in the city and in the time we’ve been here we’ve had visitors I can count on 1 hand (and even then because they’ve had business in the area/funerals/other friends or family to see) and this is despite us having 2 babies in this time. Contact has been mainly because we’ve driven 7hrs to see them. My partner has known these friends for over 10yrs and me about 7yrs.
We’re going away over Xmas and a couple from the group heard about this. They are currently travelling around the country deciding where to settle and have just come back from 5mths travelling overseas too. They’ve had a few months of staying with members of the friends group in the city and want to stay in our house whilst we’re away, especially because it’s the place to be for the holidays. They ‘might’ do a night with us at our holiday place but more to make getting the keys ‘easier’. I haven’t spoken to them for 3yrs despite sending messages and my partner’s seen the guy 2 times. They haven’t been in touch at all since they came back from travelling.
He’s said yes to them staying but I feel really uncomfortable with this. This is our family home, they’ll be sleeping in either our bed or our children’s rooms and they also want to have another couple we know around whilst we’re away. There’s been no talk of them all coming to join us for the day (it’s only a 40min drive from our house) and I feel like we’re being used a bit. My partners really upset I’ve compromised at them staying but not using the house to entertain. He thinks this is insulting especially to the other couple who we are actually much closer to. I just don’t want them thinking it’s a free for all and the stress of clearing things away, getting rooms ready, paying utilities whilst we’re away etc. I am quite a private person and it’s really important to me that my home is my sanctuary which I have some control over but my partner doesn’t seem to understand.

OP posts:
Pugwash1 · 15/12/2019 22:52

@temmy99...you might not be unreasonable but it would be odd to do it on this thread!

temmy99 · 15/12/2019 22:57

Sorry, I didn't realise. Did wonder that it looked odd

Guineapigbridge · 15/12/2019 23:01

I disagree; be hospitable and expect hospitality in return. Shutting people out and acting without generosity will reap that behaviour in return.

Do Unto Others...

Pumpkintopf · 15/12/2019 23:12

So, what are you going to do, OP?

goldfinchfan · 15/12/2019 23:13

So what if there is some type of cirsis and you need to go home suddenly?

You can't because you let some strangers stay there. That is crazy

Why does your DH want them to stay? What does he get out of this?

It is not ok that he is taking control and ignoring you. That will happen again and again sadly. Unless you draw a line now.

temmy99 · 15/12/2019 23:32

Apologies op, wrongly posted here, still trying to figure out how to delete. So sorry

Pembsgirl · 15/12/2019 23:39

Just a word of warning from me - friends very kindly allowed us to stay at their house in America on holiday. We spent a couple of weeks with them, but on the last day we were there, they had to go to work before we left. Without realising it, it seems that we left a window open. The wife came home at lunchtime, to find two young men fleeing through the front door as she went in the back! Yep! You got it, they were burgled!! And it could have been so much worse, she could have been attacked, killed, anything. Is your husband really open to letting these CF's be responsible for the safety and security of your home? After all, it's not their possessions, so why should they care? We made a dreadful mistake, and even though they were able to claim on their insurance, and we paid the excess, we still feel guilty about what happened.

Please don't take the risk!

Personally, if my husband behaved like this with me and wouldn't back down, he'd be the one looking for somewhere to stay, as he sure as hell wouldn't be staying with me, with that lack of respect!! Pull up your big girl pants and tell him what's what!!

getyourgrooveback · 15/12/2019 23:44

Put locks on the bedroom doors of all the bedrooms and set up two single camp beds in the front room for them

GiftedFish · 15/12/2019 23:52

Under those circumstances, I wouldn't have any of them. I feel it's very disrespectful of each set of friend to be more than happy to stay when it suits them, but not put the effort in the plan visits for catching up.
Make excuses, say relatives have decided they want to use the house and you feel obliged.

Angelw · 16/12/2019 00:06

No way, no chance.. big fat No! your partner needs to grow upGrin

mathanxiety · 16/12/2019 00:08

Temmy, 'report' your own post and they will delete it.

C&P it into your own thread in Chat or AIBU first.

mathanxiety · 16/12/2019 00:15

Don't rely on DH to call them if he refuses to deliver the bad news.

Call them directly yourself.

Make sure they know it's you on the phone. Then tell them immediately that your DH misspoke and that they cannot stay in your house for Christmas. Hang up.

Give DH a baleful stare if he raises a stink, and tell him he can go off in the tent on his own if he feels that way, and you will stay home for Christmas.

Come on, @Chercando, you need to show them all that you are not going to be walked on.

Tellem87 · 16/12/2019 00:19

The fact they haven't responded to your attempts to contact them over the last few years means YANBU. They are using you, and given their lack of contact you have nothing to lose by telling them to do one. They aren't your friends - don't lose any sleep over it.

elfies · 16/12/2019 01:29

What happens if the CFs decide not to leave when you return home , the police wouldn't be interested because you'd handed your house and keys to folks you don't know .Getting them to move out if they decide to stay and squat could take months going through official channels and cost a fortune for solicitors .
Personally after all the hassle I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my home anyway , so simply tell them (and your husband) that you're staying home ..and do it . Perhaps he'll realise you mean it and not put you in that position ever again . Good Luck

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 16/12/2019 03:33

Your DH is weak and doesn’t want to be the Bad Guy.

So be the Bad Guy. Contact them yourself and say no, you don’t feel comfortable about having your home used without you hosting, they’ll have to make other plans.

End your message with a warm invitation to visit you when you are there. Don’t worry, they won’t accept.

Oh, and tell your DH he needs to rethink his priorities.

jillybeanclevertips · 16/12/2019 07:18

Sorry these people are users, and should be chopped off your friends list. You are quite within the right to rescind the invitation, and tell them why. If it's out of your comfort zone don't be coerced into doing anything.

BabyEI · 16/12/2019 07:20

Just say no, sorry, and if it upsets them - tough.
At least you won't have the extra work and worry of transient 'friends' using you and your home while you are away. And ask DH to discuss these matters with you in future.

Lincolnfield · 16/12/2019 07:27

I would say absolutely NO! I couldn’t bear the thought of anyone being in my home when I’m not there. There are too many things in drawers and cupboards that are private - photos, letters from my youngest son when he was living abroad, cards made by my grandchildren and more. The thought that anyone might be having a good old poke around fills me with horror.
I honestly don’t understand this craze for staying in private homes. I wouldn’t want to do it myself - I’d be scared to breathe in case I broke something and I definitely would not want anyone, even my sister who I know couldn’t resist a nosey round! staying in my home.

Circe32 · 16/12/2019 07:31

It's a big fat NO! from me x

Raindancer411 · 16/12/2019 07:38

@Chercando Can you insist that pay a set amount (your choosing) to cover electric and gas (if you use that) and in case of any breakages?? May put them off lol

Allme · 16/12/2019 08:03

Say no no no....tell them to get out there credit cards out and pay for a hotel!!!!!!!

Fantail2018 · 16/12/2019 08:06

As a kiwi, yes some people open their homes to everyone (have done myself while living here and in UK). However it's much more unusual to let people stay without you there (unless its actually a holiday home/bach).

Also worth noting that they may not be the CF they first appear. I wouldn't have an issue asking if we could stay somewhere but would definitely expect to be told 'no' if it didn't work for someone. The problem is your DH said yes.

Your home is not set up to 'let out' over the holidays with all your private stuff locked away and you don't have time for a proper clean and sort out of everything.

I agree with others that if your DH won't cancel then you should, just say that unfortunately it doesn't work at this time (and if you do want to see them again suggest they come for a long weekend around Waitangi).

ToftyAC · 16/12/2019 08:44

It’d be a no from me. If my DH had said yes without consultation he’d be out the door for a few days for such blatant disrespect. We consult each other on 99% of things - especially the big ones.

Motoko · 16/12/2019 09:15

@temmy99 Report your post and ask for it to be deleted. We can't delete or edit posts ourselves, so you have to ask MN to do it.

Also worth noting that they may not be the CF they first appear.
Of course they are. They haven't bothered replying to OP when she's tried contacting them over the last 3 years, and have only seen her DH a couple of times. They are blatantly users.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/12/2019 09:42

You need to tell them directly yourself as I think your DH is very worried about being the bad guy. I think inviting guests to your house is a cheek. It would be different if you regularly rented the place out and were set up to have visitors there whilst you were away but its a lot of arranging to do otherwise.