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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want friends using our home whilst we’re away

435 replies

Chercando · 13/12/2019 22:33

We live in a tourist area and have for 5yrs. Most of our long standing friends live in the city and in the time we’ve been here we’ve had visitors I can count on 1 hand (and even then because they’ve had business in the area/funerals/other friends or family to see) and this is despite us having 2 babies in this time. Contact has been mainly because we’ve driven 7hrs to see them. My partner has known these friends for over 10yrs and me about 7yrs.
We’re going away over Xmas and a couple from the group heard about this. They are currently travelling around the country deciding where to settle and have just come back from 5mths travelling overseas too. They’ve had a few months of staying with members of the friends group in the city and want to stay in our house whilst we’re away, especially because it’s the place to be for the holidays. They ‘might’ do a night with us at our holiday place but more to make getting the keys ‘easier’. I haven’t spoken to them for 3yrs despite sending messages and my partner’s seen the guy 2 times. They haven’t been in touch at all since they came back from travelling.
He’s said yes to them staying but I feel really uncomfortable with this. This is our family home, they’ll be sleeping in either our bed or our children’s rooms and they also want to have another couple we know around whilst we’re away. There’s been no talk of them all coming to join us for the day (it’s only a 40min drive from our house) and I feel like we’re being used a bit. My partners really upset I’ve compromised at them staying but not using the house to entertain. He thinks this is insulting especially to the other couple who we are actually much closer to. I just don’t want them thinking it’s a free for all and the stress of clearing things away, getting rooms ready, paying utilities whilst we’re away etc. I am quite a private person and it’s really important to me that my home is my sanctuary which I have some control over but my partner doesn’t seem to understand.

OP posts:
Whitewalkerslayer · 15/12/2019 19:55

Your home is your sanctuary. If you don't have a sanctuary you have nothing.

Sb74 · 15/12/2019 19:57

Have your locks changed just before you go on holiday and don’t tell you DH?

I absolutely would not allow this to happen. I think your DH needs to wake up.

BloggersBlog · 15/12/2019 19:59

Hope Im wrong, but I think from the tone of her posts I think the OP is going to go along with her wimpy DH. Easy life merchant who respects his fake friends feelings about his wife's.

Tistheseason17 · 15/12/2019 20:00

You have a DH problem

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 15/12/2019 20:04

If you do give in on this, you are setting a precedent of him being able to stamp his manly foot and have the last word on anything. Don't allow that, it's dangerous.

Mamawingingit1234 · 15/12/2019 20:05

This would be my hill to die on. I love having visitors but people in my space while I’m not there would be horrendous. The fact that your husband is putting these people above you would make me furious

ProfessionalWeirdo · 15/12/2019 20:05

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. As others have commented, your house insurance may well not be valid under these circumstances, and this would make a perfectly valid excuse to refuse. But in any case, why did your partner make the offer without discussing it with you first?

Sb74 · 15/12/2019 20:07

Is the 1% vote the people hoping to stay at yours?

Just thinking about it has made me angry for you OP. As many have said people that ignore you for three years are not friends. I agree friendships can exist without seeing each other all the time but if you try to get in touch with someone and they ignore you then that is not the case is it? Your DH is putting these superficial users over his wife’s feelings and that not good. His priorities are very wrong. I would not tolerate his lack of respect for your wishes over anyone else’s but especially these people who are unbelievably cheeky. Show your DH this thread. You need to stop this happening and not let your DH force this upon you.

YoHoHoTheGinCatsofThigh · 15/12/2019 20:12

Tell your DP he can take the friends with him on holiday, you and your Dc are staying at home.

Thesuzle · 15/12/2019 20:24

Do you have a plumber friend who can “nobble the boiler” for you just before you go away (dont tell husband) but he has to suddenly phone the “friends” and put them off. ???

MrsBadcrumble123 · 15/12/2019 20:33

No just no. No reason given or little white lie - JUST NO!!

Boujee · 15/12/2019 20:56

It's a no from me

Bmh54 · 15/12/2019 20:56

Definitely No. Don't be pressured either.! They are so Hard Faced to even ask. It's not a holiday Let your home! I would be so incensed at their audacity, that it would not bother me in the slightest to ring them, or txt or email if you prefer, and say, " Just wanted to let you know we don't do Airbnb, but there are some probably in the area."
Wish them a Merry Christmas and leave it at that ! You could even add how you admire people that do Airbnb as it sounds like hardwork clearing everything away and trusting people in your home!
Don't be bullied into it either.
Will spoil your holiday if you don't stop it!
Good luck. 👍

MrCouncilFlat · 15/12/2019 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Marmablade · 15/12/2019 21:17

It's a no from me too.

dollydee · 15/12/2019 21:27

Nay, Nay and thrice Nay. You are not being unreasonable.
On the other hand, your OH most certainly is...

Jaci08 · 15/12/2019 22:09

Have you got above your front door .
"HOTEL" ?
It's your HOME just be straight with them or tell a big fib.
And say your parents are house sitting.

I had that with my husbands friends in Portugal.
They thought because we lived in the U.K. it would be ok to just come.
But didn't realise English woman ( me) wasn't having any of it ....👍

isitxmasyet · 15/12/2019 22:15

I would seriously contemplate leaving my DH if he forced this one past me.

And I’m not joking

My home is my sanctuary and I would never have someone stay in it when I’m not there other than absolutely close family members on a needs must basis.

Your DH may feel differently but he should be saying no as you don’t want it

One of those situations where it’s only a yes if both fully agree.

ellyeth · 15/12/2019 22:16

I too think they have an awful nerve to expect this - particularly as they haven't bothered to keep in touch with you for a considerable length of time.

Sometimes people agree to things because they are put on the spot. I'm a bit like that myself so I have some sympathy for your husband. If he has already told them it's OK, it will be very embarrassing for him to have to tell them no. I'm not sure what I would do in these circumstances - but I would feel upset and annoyed about it. They really do sound like users.

I haven't read all the thread as it's so long now, but is your husband annoyed with you, thinking you're being unreasonable? Or is he just feeling too embarrassed to tell them no when he has already agreed to it?

HuggedTrees · 15/12/2019 22:21

Fuck no would anyone stay in my bed, ever,
Agree message them saying to a no from you.

DH, MTFU

AmIbeingTreasonable · 15/12/2019 22:27

Not in a million years would they be staying, oh and btw you have a (not so) DH problem!

glitterfarts · 15/12/2019 22:28

Solve this the easy way.

Text the CF'ers and say "brilliant to hear from you - it's been 3 years, so we've decided not to go away, seeing as you're finally coming all this way to visit. We're staying home to have a decent catch up with you."

Bet they cancel.

PP: I've lived in NZ - never saw a boiler til I moved to the UK. They probably do have them in the south I guess. But touristy place to be in NZ, would have to be North Island, maybe Mt Manganui or similar.

jinglebelldogs · 15/12/2019 22:39

He won't budge 😂😂 it's not his decision. You live there too.
*
"I know DH doesn't mind you staying, but I'm afraid I do. I haven't even had a response to my messages for the last three years and I don't want anyone I'm not friends with staying in my house when I'm away. Hope you find a B&B somewhere nice."*

Good message. I'd send that. Are you scared of your husband op? Most people would just say this isn't happening. It's a hill I'd be willing to die on.

temmy99 · 15/12/2019 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gamerchick · 15/12/2019 22:52

temmy99 start your own thread.

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