Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want friends using our home whilst we’re away

435 replies

Chercando · 13/12/2019 22:33

We live in a tourist area and have for 5yrs. Most of our long standing friends live in the city and in the time we’ve been here we’ve had visitors I can count on 1 hand (and even then because they’ve had business in the area/funerals/other friends or family to see) and this is despite us having 2 babies in this time. Contact has been mainly because we’ve driven 7hrs to see them. My partner has known these friends for over 10yrs and me about 7yrs.
We’re going away over Xmas and a couple from the group heard about this. They are currently travelling around the country deciding where to settle and have just come back from 5mths travelling overseas too. They’ve had a few months of staying with members of the friends group in the city and want to stay in our house whilst we’re away, especially because it’s the place to be for the holidays. They ‘might’ do a night with us at our holiday place but more to make getting the keys ‘easier’. I haven’t spoken to them for 3yrs despite sending messages and my partner’s seen the guy 2 times. They haven’t been in touch at all since they came back from travelling.
He’s said yes to them staying but I feel really uncomfortable with this. This is our family home, they’ll be sleeping in either our bed or our children’s rooms and they also want to have another couple we know around whilst we’re away. There’s been no talk of them all coming to join us for the day (it’s only a 40min drive from our house) and I feel like we’re being used a bit. My partners really upset I’ve compromised at them staying but not using the house to entertain. He thinks this is insulting especially to the other couple who we are actually much closer to. I just don’t want them thinking it’s a free for all and the stress of clearing things away, getting rooms ready, paying utilities whilst we’re away etc. I am quite a private person and it’s really important to me that my home is my sanctuary which I have some control over but my partner doesn’t seem to understand.

OP posts:
DarlingNikita · 16/12/2019 09:43

Ok so DH won’t budge, they’re staying.
I don't get it. He won't budge but what about you? It's also your house. Forget 'explaining'. Tell him no, you are not comfortable with lending out your house, it's not happening. He can contact them to let them know, and if he doesn't do so within x time, you'll contact them yourself. End.

fedup21 · 16/12/2019 09:55

Why does he get to ‘not budge?!

Doesn’t sound like a good partnership to me.

Nearly47 · 16/12/2019 10:08

They are very obviously using you and not even trying to be civil in showing some interest in your company. If you don't like the idea of people staying over just make some lame excuse and say no. They don't disserve any better than that. I've had friends that I haven't heard off for a very long time to approach me again with the aim of staying over. But they were less blunt then your friends and showed at least some (fake) desire to spend time with us.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 16/12/2019 10:19

Just tell them yourself, they aint staying.

or if they do stay, take every towel and bed sheet, including ones on the bed and take them with you. Put locks on all the doors and leave some pillows on the kitchen floor for them, to be generous like.

Justkeepleft · 16/12/2019 10:33

Ask DH to get references from the people they have been staying with I the city.

Then you know for sure ehatbkind of guests you are getting.

The situations sucks but with extra in for DH may change his tune as well.
Good luck.

Reallynowdear · 16/12/2019 10:45

OP, I would not go on holiday.

Your husband is showing you that your friends thoughts and feelings are more important then yours.

What would happen if you wanted people to stay and he desperately didn't?

Would you just let them, or would he have a choice?

Mix56 · 16/12/2019 10:51

Has your H taken in that the other friends are driving X hours to spend time with the freeloaders, specifically when you are absent? that you will be 40 mins away & they can't even be bothered to come for a BBQ ?

If you fold on this, & you really should not, put a lock on your bedroom & bathroom door, then makes sure YOU do not clear up a single thing,
& leave a note, saying in lieu of rent they can spring clean...

ralfeesmum · 16/12/2019 11:19

Thi.Is.Your.Home.

It's the one place you can hide from the world and get a little of a precious commodity called 'privacy'. Something which is fast vanishing, these days.

And you are not running a bloody B&B for freeloaders (they've got a right nerve!)

FizzyGreenWater · 16/12/2019 11:31

This whole shebang would solve the problem for me as I'd now not be planning on a holiday with Ole Spineless anyway.

bpirockin · 16/12/2019 11:36

Absolutely not. Never. You need to tell them yourself that they cannot stay you are not comfortable with it. Your home is your sanctuary and that means people you haven't seen or heard from in years do not get to come and go freely, especially in your absence.

Your DH is probably too embarrassed to cancel them, so do it yourself. No explanation/excuses are necessary. It's too much to ask from such distant friends, and you are surprised that they'd even feel comfortable being there. DH may well be somewhat embarrassed by you cancelling it, but he'll sure as hell think about stepping on your feelings again.

Although I'm very much a believer in honesty is the best policy, I rather like the response that as they're going to be visiting you'll stay and be very happy to spend time with them. It may or may not put them off, but it covers the lack of contact issue indirectly.

CF need to FO somewhere else for Christmas.

messolini9 · 16/12/2019 11:49

You need to tell them directly yourself as I think your DH is very worried about being the bad guy.

Not sure about this. Suspect it's more likely that DH said yes out of feebleness, & without considering not just the CF-ery, potential consequences, extra work, & certaonly not his wife's feelings.

Now his wife has pointed out her feelings to him, he doesn't want to back down or admit that this pair are CF's, & is making himself feel better by laying the law down to OP - because at least he can do that, as Man Of The House, huh?

OP is probably overwhelmed by the volume of PP's highlighting this, as she has posted that she has spoken to DH about it again & that he refuses to budge - but I don't think she has updated since that ..?

So there is little point admonishing her to enact passive-aggressive little rebellions such as leaving notes, asking for money, playing games with toilet rolls & linens to make CF's stay awkward - because if she feels unable to challenge her DH on something so fundamental as this unwelcome visit, she's hardly going to feel confident to effectively challenge him further by tackling the CF's direct. That clearly includes ringing them up to tell them they cannot stay in her empty house. It's pointless to keep urging this - & it's not even the main issue, which is her DH's casual disregard.

OP - it's concerning that you feel you would rather cave in & endure the discomfort of having these people in your house while you are away than stand your ground with your DH.
It is not normal for one member of a couple to over-ride such a basic decision about the shared home.
It seems that you have decided to go along with DH's decision, to keep the peace. Does he usually expect to be the sole decision-maker in your marriage? Does he make sure he is the one who calls the shots on matters like finances, or childcare, or the split of domestic & money-earning roles?

Maybe you are going to just let this one go, upsetting as it is, & allow your DH to dictate what is allowed in your home, despite your obvious discomfort. But please have a think about the power dynamic it has uncovered in your marriage, & how much more of it you are going to have to put up with. This is kindly meant but - if you give in on this issue, you will have effectively told DH that your opinion is worthless, does not need consideration, & that he can ride rough-shod over you without consequeces to himself.
I would be far, far more concerned about that than the CF's whose request has opened this can of worms.

God luck OP. Flowers

Good luck whatever you decide, & please think hard about what this episode has revealed to you about how DH expects to treat youm & how he expects you to respond.

FizzyIce · 16/12/2019 13:00

Hell no , I wouldn’t even want close friends sleeping in my bed

Travis1 · 16/12/2019 13:06

definite no from me and no way would I be letting 'D'H overrule my feelings. Tell him to grow a spine.

JacquiG2 · 16/12/2019 13:45

Don't think so. Did this once for a very close relative. Came home to find deliberate damage on a nice bookcase (done out of temper in a row) and our new marital bed stained.

Never again.

helpIhateclothesshopping · 16/12/2019 14:42

Sounds like they are only interested in the location not the friendship, I'd say sorry it's not convenient now. Maybe feign emergency repairs such as having to take the floor up in the look kitchen due to to a leak from the washing machine, or similar, if you think you can get away with it.
If they're not bothered about meeting up, they're not really that good friends.

caielaaa · 16/12/2019 15:27

it's your house!

simonisnotme · 16/12/2019 16:15

i cant believe this problem is still ongoing
tell your DH they either dont come or bloody charge them 5* hotel rates

Birdshitbridgegotme · 16/12/2019 16:26

I'd tell Dh if he ain't gonna stand by you then you ain't going on holiday.

NorthernLightsInWinter · 16/12/2019 16:29

He won't budge?

Um, no. It's your home, too, and you don't want them staying there. That trumps having virtual strangers CFs in your house while you're not there. You both have to agree they can stay, and you don't agree.

Tell him it's not happening.

LonginesPrime · 16/12/2019 16:56

Ok so DH won’t budge, they’re staying.

Fuck that, OP - I wouldn't be going anywhere with him.

temmy99 · 16/12/2019 17:04

@Motoko. Thank you very much will do that now.

ilikemethewayiam · 16/12/2019 20:17

Wow, I would feel so insulted, offended and belittled by my DH if he did this to me that there would be no coming back from it. It would be a light bulb moment for me. I think my relationship from that point on would be irrevocably changed. I think it would be the beginning of the end for me. I couldn’t sleep next to someone who felt so entitled, that his decision overrode one of my most basic human rights!

It sounds as if you would rather capitulate than insist he respect your rights. I absolutely would not be going on holiday with him. I would tell him that you’ve unilaterally decided you don’t want to go on this holiday anymore and you will not budge!

See how he likes that dynamic!

LittleMissMe99 · 17/12/2019 14:59

Your husband thinks their feelings are more important than yours. That's NOT OK. Not is it a partnership. You need to have serious words. I would refuse to go away if it was me.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/12/2019 15:40

Doesn’t look as if you’re coming back. Oh dear. I hope it goes ok

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 17/12/2019 16:06

Honestly, I'd have a HUGE problem with a DH who didn't want to upset some random not-so-close 'friends' but didn't' give a rat's ass about upsetting me. Or who didn't want to rescind an invite because of some misplaced sense of 'male pride' in having to tell these 'friends' that his wife is 'making him' do it. ,Either scenario is screwed up.