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AIBU?

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Drug addicted friend

161 replies

Anon2126 · 13/12/2019 20:28

Hi I really need some advice please!! I used to be friends with this girl I went to school with, unfortunately she went went down the wrong path 3 years ago when she met her boyfriend & started with taking heavy drugs with him! I tried talking to her, giving her advice etc but she just wouldn't listen so I cut her off. I barely drink & haven't touched any drugs in my life! She has recently got in touch with me again through social media. I really don't want to let her back in my life as I now have a 6 month old baby. I also have a new phone number & have moved address, as far as I know she doesn't know where I live. So after thinking long & hard about it & discussing it with my husband, I decided the best thing was not to respond & block her. However after discussing the situation with my friends, they keep telling me how cruel I am for just cutting her off & are saying she's probably clean & I should give her a second chance. They are making me feel like a really horrible person!! I've tried explaining that I'm only thinking about the safety of my baby & I can't risk someone with a drug problem being in my life & around my child but they are still calling me cruel!!! Help, I feel awful about it Confused

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 17/12/2019 22:16

Beatrice, i don’t know any heroin or crack addicts, my experience is only that of other addictions, alcohol and gambling. I guess that what I and a couple of others are trying to say is that there comes a point where someone who has up until that point “only” smoked weed or snorted coke, makes a decision for whatever reason to take that to the next level. People are educated as to the massive risk, they will have seen friends being destroyed by it. They know all about the fact that if you smoke it once that’s probably you addicted for years to come. So what makes them sit there that one time and think “coke isn’t doing it. I’m gonna sit and try this heroin.”

Incidentally I don’t think that weed should be taken lightly, especially where the developing brain is concerned. God, it’s destroying teenagers’ lives these days, it really is. Young teenagers who previously were fine, literally turn into stoners in front of your very eyes, because “it was something to do” and readily available for a couple of quid from school mates or via Snapchat. It’s unbelievably sad to witness.. Kids from decent families with everything to live for. Destroying their mental health and wellbeing and getting into unhealthy habits so young.

I don’t believe all of them have actual addictive personalities to start with. I believe a lot are just risk takers as most teenagers are. But many teens choose NOT to let a sniff of weed past their nose because they have decided the risk is too great.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 17/12/2019 22:33

If by any chance your friend is clean and sober through Narcotics Anonymous or similar she will owe you an apology for the way she was in the past. It's a duty for people in recovery to make amends to anyone they harmed while using.

But she's not approaching you in that spirit so I'd assume she's not in recovery.

I think you're entirely reasonable to steer clear. Your baby comes first. Addicts are hard work and it's not as though they're good company.

And I think a PP who suggested that your middle class lifestyle (and particularly your doctor husband) is drawing this woman's attention is very likely spot on.

Chista · 17/12/2019 23:21

'Kids from decent families with everything to live for'

Did you mean for it to come out this way. I am horrified by this comment. So the life of child from a 'decent family' is worth more? Sorry if I have taken it out if context but it is how its come across

CurlyhairedAssassin · 17/12/2019 23:31

No, no, that must have come across reallyvwrong then. Up here where I’m from, a “decent family” is just a term which means a family that is not dysfunctional and which puts the kids’ needs first, who values education and supports the school, where the parent/s is hard working and expects their children to have the same values and contribute to society in the same way. So we refer to a kid being from a “decent background or family.” It doesn’t mean that a child who doesn’t come from that kind of supportive background/family is some kind of lesser being, as you seem to have inferred from my post. Confused

I meant that a child with an unsupportive or criminal or absent or neglectful parent/s may be more likely to stray down the wrong path. Understandably, if they’ve don’t have the support and guidance from responsible and caring adults.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 17/12/2019 23:36

I.e. they may feel like there is not much good in their life, or that their future looks hopeless or bleak. Surely you realised that’s what I meant? There are plenty of posts in here discussing how your background of either privilege or deprivation might impact on your potential for serious addiction.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 18/12/2019 03:31

You made your point very clearly, CurlyhairedAssassin. And you're absolutely right. The older I get the more I appreciate the privilege of growing up in a strong loving family who instilled ethics and values.

I'm a sober alcoholic. That makes me unusual. Most alcoholics never stop drinking. The inner resources that got me sober were given to me as a child. Some of us just don't have that. I'm so lucky.

twolungs · 18/12/2019 04:08

I think in these situations diplomacy is best. Regardless of the ins and outs, is she really clean etc., having an old friend with whom you drifted/fell/cut out might not be the best fit with having a 6 month old. Just focus on that, don't hypothesise about the old friend with current friends.

Also never say never, you may feel different in 5/10 years.

Chista · 18/12/2019 05:48

I have literally a thousand examples that say otherwise, I know this because I have worked in the field for over 15 years and have come across misusers from every walk of life. There are many from a 'decent family' where they have an immensely supportive family and brought up with 'good decent values', whose siblings are high flying professionals, some with private school education, no trauma to speak off, then there are those who come from a 'decent family' and suffered some trauma through life completely unrelated to their family and some related to their family. Of course there are also many that are from a background that has not been so supportive.
I have been humbled and there is no way to describe it when you are part of someones journey, to see them walk through the door when they have hit absolute zero to them leaving through the door having changed their lives. I have seen people completely written off as 'crackheads/alki's/junkies' (whatever nasty term people use) walk out of the system, completely clean, never to return. Many people who work/volunteer in the field have been previous service users. So forgive me if I do not agree with many of the posts making comments about why people start using and how they cannot stop using.

BeatriceTheBeast · 18/12/2019 07:35

The older I get the more I appreciate the privilege of growing up in a strong loving family who instilled ethics and values.

Amen to this!

That's right - I'm back mwahaha! Rested and phone charged. Ahem, sorry.

I also completely agree with and value your comments Chista. It is clear that you have a lot of compassion and admiration for what people who have been unlucky enough to fall into addiction can be capable of. Funny how the person who probably sees the most addicts has the most compassion for them and sees them as human beings, while there are those would wouldn't let a "smackhead" Hmm come near them even if they are clean, because ew a druggy!

I don’t believe all of them have actual addictive personalities to start with. I believe a lot are just risk takers as most teenagers are. But many teens choose NOT to let a sniff of weed past their nose because they have decided the risk is too great.

I don't even know what an addictive personality really means tbh... I think there are very damaged people who for one reason or another turn to something else. It doesn't have to be illegal drugs either. Naice mummies in my acquaintance regularly drink far too much alcohol.

And yes, there are some teenagers who never let a sniff past their nose, or who never so much as smoke a cigarette. More and more teenagers these days are teetotal too. But why? Why do they just not bother? That will come down to their circle of friends, predisposition and circle of friends.

No teenagers where I grew up touched any drugs other than the odd person who smoked weed. So obviously, as a teenager, I was highly unlikely to try drugs and I didn't. But that was my good fortune. It simply wasn't an option. I'd have had to have gone out and sought to buy drugs, on my own. Wasn't going to happen.

Then there are the many teenagers and young adults who, like I once did, try drugs at one point or another, (at university for me, so not near home), but who don't especially like it and don't think "more, more, more". They think "actually no, not for me thanks". Again, the lucky ones.

Some people click with a drug I think. Maybe it's someone who lacks confidence who suddenly feels artificially confident all of a sudden and thinks "I can't stop taking this". That goes for alcohol as well. They are the unlucky ones.

If you're someone who never tries drugs or alcohol or gambling or anything else, which can become an addiction problem. Yes, you obviously remove all the risk. But I don't think that is common. Most people do one or more of those things at some point.

Alcohol is especially dangerous and has been classed by experts as more harmful than heroin, (I know, I know; it's always trotted out on these threads, but it is true). I know people who are and who have been alcoholics, so it is the addiction I am most familiar with and it is a dreadful thing. I know though, that people who are suffering with alcoholism are just less fortunate than I am in some way. They have found their 'poison'. I am extremely lucky that I either am not predisposed to become addicted to it or something else has meant I am more fortunate.

Yes, it's a choice to start drinking. Social drinking, then "mummy needs wine" every day and before you know it... For some people, obviously.

Same with drugs. It is a choice at the beginning, for most people, but it is much, much more complicated when you try to figure out why some people never try it, why some people try and think "nope", why some people party a lot and take drugs 'recreationally' a lot, but then, grow up, stop with no bother and go about their lives and then, why some people get really into drugs and become addicts.

It isn't as simple as "you chose to try drugs once or twice. That's why you're an addict". There is so much more too it, or else there would be a lot more drug addicts in this country. Public figures, models, actors, pop stars, every person, and there are many, who ever let a sniff past their nose or took a draw on a spliff.

BeatriceTheBeast · 18/12/2019 07:48

The inner resources that got me sober were given to me as a child. Some of us just don't have that. I'm so lucky

And this^^. YY.

Not to say that "the wrong sort" of upbringing means people are a write off or that "the right sort" means people are guaranteed safe from addiction. It is complicated and each individual will have a reason or a series of reasons or events, which sadly lead to an addiction.

So much of it us luck. And it really boils my blood when people insist it's all their choice. "Yeah well, they choose to do it, fuck 'em". See also "they choose to be homeless". Yes, really, people say this about EVERY homeless person. Ffs.

Society HAS gone to the dogs and the culprits are the privileged, judgemental, "fuck everyone but me - they made bad choices unlike me ", arseholes Angry.

BeatriceTheBeast · 18/12/2019 08:16

And yes CHA, there is a distinction, for most people between 'party drugs' and heroin / crack.

Again, I think this is a lot to do with circumstances. Of all the party drug types I knew at university, not one, that I know of, took heroin or crack. It just wasn't on offer. Who knows why? But I imagine heroin dealers target people who are already vulnerable as they are easier prey.

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