Drug addicted friend

[Anon2126]

Hi I really need some advice please!! I used to be friends with this girl I went to school with, unfortunately she went went down the wrong path 3 years ago when she met her boyfriend & started with taking heavy drugs with him! I tried talking to her, giving her advice etc but she just wouldn't listen so I cut her off. I barely drink & haven't touched any drugs in my life! She has recently got in touch with me again through social media. I really don't want to let her back in my life as I now have a 6 month old baby. I also have a new phone number & have moved address, as far as I know she doesn't know where I live. So after thinking long & hard about it & discussing it with my husband, I decided the best thing was not to respond & block her. However after discussing the situation with my friends, they keep telling me how cruel I am for just cutting her off & are saying she's probably clean & I should give her a second chance. They are making me feel like a really horrible person!! I've tried explaining that I'm only thinking about the safety of my baby & I can't risk someone with a drug problem being in my life & around my child but they are still calling me cruel!!! Help, I feel awful about it

Chista, because I’m not into the party lifestyle, the turning of every social occasion into a need to involve copious amounts of alcohol and/or drugs and all night partying ending in various rows or dramas and pleading apologies the next day. That is NOT my lifestyle. Can’t be doing with all that shit, thanks.

I am aware of what a functioning addict is. In my experience while they may hold down a job and friends there is still a lot of drama and chaos in their lives and many of their friends and family maintain a relationship with them out of a sense of obligation, but they no longer feel especially close to them or that they share the same values. This is why many non-addiction friendships gradually come to a natural end anyway, so no difference with a functioning addict.

I'd stay well clear.

Too much experience of what addicts can and will do to get their next fix. Including capitalising upon the 'oh, the poor thing, it would be really mean to not want anything to do with them' attitudes displayed here.

@Taddda How can anyone truly recover if their constantly being looked at suspiciously and kept at arms length?? By a family member also? Can you imagine being treated in such a way for the rest of your life, even after finding recovery, still and always a pariah? Shame.

Do you really think that people show their sense of mistrust overtly? Are you imagining That They all point their finger at them at family gatherings, refuse to speak to them, keep an eye on their purse, and tell their children to stay away? Because that’s what you’re suggesting. That’s what a pariah is.

Most people still socialise. Exchange birthday and Christmas presents. But once the trust is destroyed things change, for a LONG time, maybe in a very subtle way that wouldn’t be noticed by the ex addict, until they, say, asked to borrow money. There is no literal “arm’s length”. It’s an emotional thing. A slight reservation at the very back of your mind which you usually don’t even notice is there but pops up from time to time and your suspicions are aroused about their motivation for something. DOesnt mean you act on it. Eventually it may disappear altogether, that feeling. It doesn’t make you a bad person to feel all that stuff and acknowledge it’s there. No-one WANTS to feel that way, but hey, they didn’t ask for it, in the same way that an addict doesn’t ask for their addiction.

Addicts can’t expect to hurt people and to have them welcomed back into their lives a year or two later with all being forgiven. It takes time. A LONG time.

A great many people are far too accepting of drugs. I used to have an idiot relation who died through drugs. It is stupid and the evil people who run the trade are multi millionaires. Keep well away she may be after getting money off you

You don’t have to be friends with anyone you don’t want to. You don’t even need a reason and it’s nobody else’s fucking business.

I have more or less been saying this for the whole thread, albeit in a less sweary / angry way.

My question is, why did the op not just ignore or even block her and be done with it? I do not understand why she had to consult her husband and then announce it to her friends after the fact. It seems...almost like it could have been gossipy or mocking / jeery, (but hopefully not), and definitely unnecessary.

Of course she doesn't need to be friends with her, especially since they weren't even friends to begin with. More like acquaintances.

It doesn't matter I suppose, because, as you say, nobody has to even have a reason not to want to be pally with anyone else. But I do find it a bit strange. Why the big deal? Ignore or block and move on 🤷‍♀️.

@CurlyhairedAssassin I know what a pariah is darling (Mr Google help you with that one?) and yes you made it sound very much like that.

There is actually a bit of light at the end of your tunnel of a post...it might take a very long time to rebuild trust, but at least it sounds like you might still be open to it.
Try and keep open to it, even if it's at 'arms length'....people can recover. Let them.

I really don't understand the drama tbh. Your child's safety from accepting a Facebook friend request - really?

But it's up to you, you don't want to be friends with her. You don't want her on Facebook who cares what other people think?

If it was me I'd probably just hang fire as if she's sent a load of requests then it's either because she wants something or that she has turned herself round and she is trying to reconnect with the normal non-druggie people she used to know. Word will soon get round which it is and then you can accept or not in your own time.

Around 1 in 10 adults take drugs.

Heroin and crack? No.

@CurlyhairedAssassin why would you think the 'ex addict' (Recovering addict) wouldn't notice the (you say) 'subtle' way in which they are being treated with caution?- I'd think they'd be very tuned in and expecting it.

I didnt want to give my personal experience, I lost a very close friend 2 years ago. She was a beautiful, kind, funny, honest and humble soul who fought hard and won her battle against her addiction. Her recovery was inspirational.
What ended up taking her away was the guilt and shame she felt over her past, compounded by her family who she tried so hard to reconnect with.

She couldn't live with herself-
I miss her every day and hope she knows that she was loved.

Im sorry @Taddda. I went through a similar thing (reading between your lines) and lost the most amazing friend and beautiful person. 5 years ago now but feels like yesterday xxx

@Taddda thats very crushing that you have been through that personally but unless you have most people don't truly understand. I have seen the stupid stereotype of once an addict always an addict. People will their battles against their demons only to have to face that sort of attitude, I understand that families and friends get really hurt during a loved ones journey of addiction but it's important for the relationships to heal or the individual can never truly recover.
I have seen some amazing individuals fall victim to this disease.

@LadyinParis sorry to hear you have been through it too.

I hope you both have a safe space to grieve and remember on International Remembrance Day

Thank you @Chista
Its nice to see the non ignorant posts here. As for the OP its her choice but I suspect the poor friend is better finding strength in others rather than her as she can't offer it. For the ignorant posters I feel sorry for their narrow world view and intolerance and ignorance, whilst at the same time being glad that these things can only come from not having had the kind of horrific experience me and others on this post have had which can only be a good thing so long as their intolerance doesn't hurt others.

I think you sound a bit judgy, she went down the wrong path and made some mistakes. As a previous poster mentioned when people are trying to get clean they're encouraged to reach out to friends before they became an addict, you're encouraged to create a support network of regular people outside of the 'friends' they have as drug users.

I can only imagine how hard it is to sort your life out and get clean when everybody you know turns their backs on you and you're left alone, in that situation the train of thought would be 'well what's the point? I'm alone and always will be so may as well shoot up so I'm temporarily happy'.

That said however, you are perfectly within your rights to put your child first and have anybody in your life you wish to. If you don't think it's suitable to have her in contact with you then that is completely ok. My mother was an addict and I remember being ushed into the kitchen or upstairs when she had her mates round so she could shoot up and do things I don't want to type out. It was awful and I don't blame you in the slightest for wanting to keep your child away from any aspect of that life, irrespective of whether I think you sound a tad judgy.

I don't think you should welcome her back into your life, but I do think you should message her back to find out whether she's clean or not. If she is then maybe send her some links to organisations/charities that could help her, but explain your life has moved on and you can't be the support she wants. That way you're keeping your baby safe but also letting her know you do care and are supporting from a distance.. you never know that could be the difference between her dedicating herself to sobriety or going back to the heroin.

@Chista @LadyInParis Thank you (I'm also sorry for your loss).
I do suppose expecting people to understand anything about Recovery is a bit of a far reach if you've had no personal experience of it or witnessed someone achieving it, but I wish for a day when there was at least more understanding, too many people in all aspects of life are 'looking at the scratch, not at the diamond'.

Addiction is no 'party lifestyle choice' (ridiculous suggestion, it's an illness which if left untreated is terminal, why you would think anyone would choose that is beyond me). There's a massive difference between
'Recreational' and 'Addicted', one being a choice, the other being a disease- The same as suggesting an alcoholic is someone who 'abuses alcohol', it's very much the the other way around.

It does ruin the lives of not only the addict but all of those effected, something that if a 12 step recovery program is followed correctly, it's very difficult but also necessary for an addict to accept and ask forgiveness for (some suggested the OP's past acquaintance might be contacting them to in someway make amends? Possibly?)-
In order to do that though, people need to allow a reconcile in someway- also difficult depending on how behaviours have impacted your life.
To anyone just standing on the outside looking judementally in, or using derogatory, cast off terms such as 'Druggie, Junkie, smackhead' and the like, try and change your thinking a little? Hate the disease, not the person. I do think that's a fear response though, distance yourself by way of attack.

In an ever expanding world of people seeking perfecting and wanting to be seen as nothing less than that, theres a massive divide appearing. It's also pressurising people to keep quiet about their mental health issues, instead of opening up (There's a massive campaign about 'Getting talking' which doesn't seem to be working if some on this thread are an indicator of).

Also know that by constantly seeking perfection and wanting (needing) to be seen as nothing less comes with it's own very real risks to mental health.
It can effect anyone at anytime- I'd hope one day people will feel more comfortable to open up, but then it would also take more people to show empathy and compassion...catch 22?
Everyone can make a choice who to have in their lives, I dont allow anyone vexatious or who would have a negative impact into mine, nor should anyone else, I also don't drink out of choice (possibly the most dangerous drug, certainly the one that costs the most lives). That doesn't give me the right to sit back and cast judgement. Nor anyone else.

Oh and before I get the 'Are you saying drinking alcohol (recreationally!) is more dangerous than taking hard drugs' question, no I'm not. But it certainly a has a much bigger impact on society in terms of the masses- and just because I personally choose not to, does not give me the right to cast judgement on those who do.

That’s a horrid thing to say
‘
That's exactly what I'm trying to do, protect my child's safety. It only takes people who know she's a junkie, to see my with her & tar me with the same brush & ring social services!! I'm not willing to risk it!!’

I get not wanting to invite someone who could be a drug addict into your home with your baby but what does it matter if someone sees you with her? I was going to say just pretend you haven’t seen and don’t block her but she’s def better off wirh someone who is worried about being seen with a ‘junkie’ who may or may not even take drugs.

Look up Jessica Kent on YouTube. She was a long term drug addict who committed crime and gave birth in prison. Now days she is completely clean and a wonderful mum to the baby she had in prison and another since coming out. She talks about her life as an addict and her life now. Maybe it will show you the human side of addiction and that some people really do turn their life around

Don't be friends with anyone you don't want to be, either irl or on sm. Easy.

Probably the part your friends think is weird is how you are making a drama of this nothing situation. An old acquaintance who you were never close to added you on sm. You didn't accept. Hardly a stop the presses event, barely even an event really. But your version of the story, which you can't stop telling everyone, is how you had this crazy heroin addict come in to your life and your innocent baby was in danger.

Clearly the response you were hoping for is "omg! close call hun, lucky you blocked her, anything could have happened, wait omg, does she know where you live!?"

The OP (and all the PPs insisting that it was a one off mistake and OP is unreasonable) has no idea whether this woman has cleaned up. Even if she's physically off heroin and crack, if she's anything like the real life addict I had to put up with, she'll be transferring to alcohol, tranquilizers, codeine and anything else she can get her hands on.

Most people who make it into detox are back on their substances within a few weeks. Most people in rehab are back on them or a substitute within weeks. Even AA, etc, use the phrase 'once an addict, always an addict'.

My laughter was the hollow laughter of experience when being accused of knowing nothing because I dared to disagree.

Keep well away. If she is clean, she'll be able to make new friends. And if not, well, that's her responsibility. Not yours.

OP yanbu. Im not even anti drugs and have done various things in my time, but I would not be friends with a crackhead or smackhead or proper alcoholic. Ive known many over the years and I do not think they are good people to have in your life. Your other friends need to stfu

You sound absolutely horrible! Very judgmental and you don't seem to have a clue about addiction etc. She may have been through trauma you can't even imagine.

Your child wouldn't be at risk just because you speak to someone on facebook, if that's what you think social workers spend their time doing you need to have a look at the real world.

Don't get in touch with her, she doesn't need nasty people like you in her life.

@WaterOffADucksCrack very well put!

I was your “friend” once. I was at no point any risk to any children at any time, no more than someone who drinks alcohol - heroin addict to be clear.

With a non judgmental supportive family and friends I recovered and then after I had my own children and they were at school volunteered with substance misusers.

I then studied and became a substance misuse worker and set up a Centre for teenagers.

I now work with families and am studying to become a social worker.

This person, with all her life experiences is better off without you in her life to share them.

Drugs can happen to anyone especially those who are fragile.

I have to take issue with this. Drugs don't "happen" to people. People make a choice to take drugs. Hell, many people take drugs not because of trauma, but for fun (with no thought given to how many lives the drug chain destroys).

I don't like the way we seem to be moving towards a society where people take less and less responsibility for their actions. There was a thread on here a while ago where someone said that women who don't smoke during pregnancy are "truly blessed" not to be addicted No one wakes up one morning, never having tried a cigarette, and finds they've miraculously become addicted to smoking. They made a choice. No, addiction isn't easy to deal with, but the OP's friend made a choice at some point to try drugs.