Drug addicted friend

[Anon2126]

Hi I really need some advice please!! I used to be friends with this girl I went to school with, unfortunately she went went down the wrong path 3 years ago when she met her boyfriend & started with taking heavy drugs with him! I tried talking to her, giving her advice etc but she just wouldn't listen so I cut her off. I barely drink & haven't touched any drugs in my life! She has recently got in touch with me again through social media. I really don't want to let her back in my life as I now have a 6 month old baby. I also have a new phone number & have moved address, as far as I know she doesn't know where I live. So after thinking long & hard about it & discussing it with my husband, I decided the best thing was not to respond & block her. However after discussing the situation with my friends, they keep telling me how cruel I am for just cutting her off & are saying she's probably clean & I should give her a second chance. They are making me feel like a really horrible person!! I've tried explaining that I'm only thinking about the safety of my baby & I can't risk someone with a drug problem being in my life & around my child but they are still calling me cruel!!! Help, I feel awful about it

I have to take issue with this. Drugs don't "happen" to people. People make a choice to take drugs. Hell, many people take drugs not because of trauma, but for fun (with no thought given to how many lives the drug chain destroys)
Yes many take drugs for fun, they are the ones who move on from drugs to a responsible life, it is the ones who can't move on get stuck, they find it easier not to deal with reality and get sucked from party drugs to life debilitating heroin or crack.
My friends including me all took part drugs, 2 went on to be full blown addicts with DC removal etc, one of those her DM died she was reared by her alcoholic father, friend 2 has BPD. It isn't fun for either but it is comforting to them.

While taking drugs in the first place is usually a choice, nobody chooses to be an addict.

I also take issue with the argument that taking crack or heroin is a rational choice. They are hardly fun party drugs are they? Nobody dabbles with a wee bit of heroin and crack at a student house party when they're 19. Something has led people to that place and that decision in the first place.

It's the same with alcohol. Many people drink it, but only some people end up dependent on it. It isn't their choice to be one of the unlucky ones.

And no, we are not "moving towards a society where people take less and less responsibility for their actions". That is the sort of argument put about by people who want to divest themselves of any responsibility for caring for those less fortunate than themselves.

It's so easy to blame addicts for their "choices" and do you know why? Because they are weak and vulnerable. People are too cowardly, or not smart enough to take on the real issues, such as legislation, cuts to policing and social services and british cities being flooded with drugs from places like Russia. Let's blame the poor fuckers whose lives have been screwed up by it all. Aye, it's all their choice isn't it? Some vulnerable individual living in a deprived area, with few of lifes advantages, made a rational choice and did this to themselves. Nothing to do with their bad luck. As if we, who aren't addicts, can sit here congratulating ourselves for making such wonderful 'choices' for ourselves. Yes, I chose not to come from a broken home, I chose to be in the privileged position of getting a decent education, it was all down to my good choices that we simply didn't have heroin addicts in my friendship group. No, no and no. I was lucky. So really, that "it's their choice" argument can do one.

Yes party drug takers generally don't do heroin of crack. They are not party drugs, they are I hate my soul drugs.
I never had any interest in trying either in my party days, yet 2 out of probably 20 friends took a detour onto that road, the rest moved on careers, families, real life connections.
One of the 2 died, they other is still an addict and lovely to chat with when I see her, it is desperately sad, I would never walk by her she wants nothing from me but a random chat every once in a blue moon.

But @BeatricetheBeast, there's no point in denying people's agency. You can be fully in favour of working to improve social services and policing (although that sure as fuck won't happen under the current government) and still acknowledge that starting to take drugs is a choice. There's no point in infantilising drug users.

And there are people who start off on so-called party drugs and end up addicted. This makes a lot of MNers uncomfortable. They prefer to imagine that there's a strict binary: recreational drug users and addicts. It's not that black and white.

@Valanice1989

You're not making the point you think you are. Of course people start off on party drugs and move on to hard drugs. That is exactly my point. How many people try drugs at university? To my shame, even I once tried coke and hugely regret it, due to the devastation that causes along the supply chain and then to people who become addicted to it. But for myself, no, I don't regret it, as, lucky for me, it was a very stupid one off and barely effected me at all.

But, why is it then, that me choosing to do that did not lead to heavier drugs? It's because I'm lucky. My group of friends never included people who were addicted to drugs, although some of us were foolish enough to do as I did and try them out. Many people, including a huge proportion of public figures, do the same, (Michael Gove, George Osborne I think too? Many journalists at that time and god knows how many models and pop stars), and they go on to lead perfectly normal lives, with just a "what a twat I was that time" story to tell.

Then, there are people who become addicts. There is an enormous difference and it isn't just because "I want there to be a distinction between party drugs and heroin". If anything, 'party drugs' are worse, because people do choose to take them, for fun.

But people who are addicted to drugs, like crack and heroin, didn't wake up one day, in a middle class home, with a supportive family, a degree, decent job prospects, good mental health and decide "I know; I'm going to start taking crack and heroin today". That is bollocks and when you drone on about them 'taking agency', I just think WHAT?! Have you seen these people? What agency have they got?

I take it from your dig at the government, you consider yourself to be a liberal. Well, have a think at what you are saying, intersectionality and your (and my) privilege in comparison to what leads people to heroin and crack addiction. Really think about it, before you try to be clever and holier than thou about it.

Also, while on an individual level, encouraging addicts to take agency as a way if regaining control, might be beneficial, it needs to be in a way which is positive for them, not a stick to beat them with, which, like it or not, is what your posts read as. Please God tell me you don't work with addicts? Because you need a lesson in how to communicate your views on them in a less harsh way, without the big sweeping statements about how society has gone to the dogs and back when it were all fields round here... Listen to yourself ffs.

@BeatricetheBeast, you're reading all sorts of things into my post that aren't there. You know absolutely nothing about what I've been through in my life. I, unlike you, have never contributed to the cocaine industry, so you might want to get off your high horse I never said that people who get addicted to drugs have wonderful lives. I said that they made a CHOICE. A previous poster said that "drugs can happen to anyone". Drugs do NOT happen to people. That kind of thinking is dangerous - it promotes learned helplessness. It's very similar to the way society often talks about domestic violence as something that "happens" (remember when Chris Brown beat up Rihanna and apologised for "what happened" rather than what he did?). Telling people in vulnerable situations that they have no choice but to become drugs addicts, that it's their fate, is horrendous.

You know absolutely nothing about what I've been through in my life

No, and you know nothing about the OP's acquaintance either and your life is hardly relevant when we're talking about drug addiction and as you have been very quick to brag about, you have never so much as dabbled, so what relevance does it have?

I, unlike you, have never contributed to the cocaine industry, so you might want to get off your high horse

, I'm hardly on my high horse about trying cocaine that time. I'm thoroughly ashamed of it and hugely regret it, but not because of anything you've said, as frankly, you sound incredibly pious and lacking in empathy and not really worthy of my regard.

Telling people in vulnerable situations that they have no choice but to become drugs addicts, that it's their fate, is horrendous.

Where on earth did I say that?

As would have been clear to anyone with half a brain, I have been saying that certain factors can leave people more vulnerable to falling into addiction. Not that it means they have to become addicts.

The rhetoric you have used on here is extremely u helpful to those going through addiction. If you speak to any expert worth their salt on the subject you would realise that empathy rather than condemnation is much more likely to help people out of addiction. You, wading in, at the end of the thread to say "no, drugs are a choice and this is what's wrong with society", makes you sound like an ignorant, judgemental arse. And you didn't disprove that when you were so quick to leap to insult me and dismiss my opinion because I once tried cocaine. Seriously. What a horrendous view you have. I feel sorry for you. This life of yours,
which I so famously know nothing about, has, it seems left you heartless and very quick to judge and make yourself feel superior. Pathetic.

And on that note, I'm not engaging with your twattery anymore. You take about six years to respond and some of this thread is fucking gross. And it isn't thise naughty 'druggies' who I'm disgusted with.

*those

Bollocks, ruined my flounce with typo.

You sound incredibly immature. And I’m really surprised at your behaviour considering your husbands supposed to be a doctor.

Can’t be arsed to read the 6 pages of arguments between PPs in case no one has suggested it thus far, she may be in recovery / NA and working her way through making amends to those she hurt. Standard step in recovery programmes

I don't know what you mean grumpos.

Becoming an addict can happen to just about anyone, it does not discriminate because someone has a degree or someone is a millionaire or simply someone who has had a rough life, for those who think anything different then you are incredibly naive.
How can you know you would never associate with someone who may end up taking drugs because you come from a different walk of life?
I have never so much as smoked a cigarette but do not believe myself to be better than anyone who os addicted to heroin/crack/crytal meth etc
Many of the substance misusers I have met have started taking substances to escape some sort of trauma in their life, yes they made a choice but we all react to life in our own way.

You’re being dramatic. Social services don’t care if you have a drug user as a friend on Facebook just don’t reply to her, no need to make it a big deal by blocking her. It sounds like you’re just trying to make drama tbh

Just wanted to add to this by saying that I used to be a compulsive gambler about 10 years ago stole from friends family and my then partner (we are now married).

I did some horrible things to feed my habit Na lot of this was kept secret from my friends.. The ones that stood by me when they found out and the ones that went no contact we me I actually contacted them after being clean for a couple of years and basically apologised to them for anything I put them through and I actually felt better to have that bit of closure afterwards..

Maybe she just wants to apologise and to let you know she is OK now?

Stood by me when they found out are now my closest friends in the world.. *

Chista, you are so right and very well said. There but for the grace of God...

I do think though, that some factors, whether it is socio economic background, education, mental health or trauma, can leave some people more open to addiction than others. As such, it is important to recognise that those of us who have avoided it, might be in a position of privilege in some way; lack of trauma, good mental health etc. If life had worked out another way for any of us, we could have ended up as addicts too. So any superiority or self congratulation anyone might have, bragging about how clever and righteous they are to avoid addiction, while others do not, is completely unfounded imo and unkind in the extreme. Quite shameful.

^^ THIS

I’m sure we all know someone who has had an addiction problem who falls into none of those categories, Beatrice. Who have had the exact same upbringing as their siblings. Who may actually have been “spoilt” just a bit more by their parents at a young age, and been bailed out by them many times. Who HAVE made wrong choices because they didn’t need to think of the consequences because they knew others would bail them out. Some adult children just do take advantage of others and with addiction has possibly been enabled by others because of this.

Other people would choose NOT to take advantage in this way.

I don’t think there’s any risk having a conversation on social media and it may be really supportive of her mental health to be back in touch with old friends. Social services won’t give a shit.

I’d have your guard up if you meet her for a bit though.

You don't have heroine and crack addicts in your life if you have kids. These drugs have their own personalities that lack the capacity for love and empathy, and sometimes those personalities are driving rather than the addict.

It is all very well to say you can have a little contact and it'll all be fine, but a little contact can turn into borrowing money or drugs and telling someone you will pay it back without you knowing, or your TV disappearing from your living room, or giving someone the keys to your house for a hit, and then that person turning up to rob the place while you are inside sleeping with your baby.

I speak from personal experience - cut off and keep at arms length while you have kids, you will not help by giving the addict the capacity to do that much more damage in the world and regret it for the rest of their life.

CurlyHairedAssasin

Again, it is not a rational choice to start taking hard drugs, like heroin and crack. There is always a reason why people find themselves in a place where they start taking these drugs. Yes, there is choice at the beginning, as I already said, but why do some people begin where many others do and end up addicted to crack or heroin? Nobody sets out to do that, because they're entitled wee brats or whatever.

And anyway, isn't being spoilt enough that you end up being quite a disfunctional adult, who turns to heroin and crack, in itself a massive disadvantage?

There is always a reason.

It isn't to say there is no blame or accountability whatsoever and, as I said earlier, it can be framed in a positive light that addicts can use taking responsibility as a way to regain control. But when people who are probably more fortunate or privileged in some way than addicts take the view that they are superior and addicts are inferior, when much of it comes down to the cards you are dealt. No, not everyone with the same experiences and upbringing will respond in the same way, but when the stats align and the wrong experiences or upbringing along with the opportunity to get into heroin combine, that is very unfortunate for that individual. It isn't that they made a conscious choice or set out to become heroin addicts. That is simply not a rational choice anyone would make.

But when people who are probably more fortunate or privileged in some way than addicts take the view that they are superior and addicts are inferior, when much of it comes down to the cards you are dealt

Forgot to finish this sentence! "...cards you are dealt...that is what I take issue with".

And stars align not stats!

Jeez, if anyone can make sense of my last few posts, they are a better woman than I am! I blame tiredness and my rubbish phone for all.

Time for bed I think.