Drug addicted friend

[Anon2126]

Hi I really need some advice please!! I used to be friends with this girl I went to school with, unfortunately she went went down the wrong path 3 years ago when she met her boyfriend & started with taking heavy drugs with him! I tried talking to her, giving her advice etc but she just wouldn't listen so I cut her off. I barely drink & haven't touched any drugs in my life! She has recently got in touch with me again through social media. I really don't want to let her back in my life as I now have a 6 month old baby. I also have a new phone number & have moved address, as far as I know she doesn't know where I live. So after thinking long & hard about it & discussing it with my husband, I decided the best thing was not to respond & block her. However after discussing the situation with my friends, they keep telling me how cruel I am for just cutting her off & are saying she's probably clean & I should give her a second chance. They are making me feel like a really horrible person!! I've tried explaining that I'm only thinking about the safety of my baby & I can't risk someone with a drug problem being in my life & around my child but they are still calling me cruel!!! Help, I feel awful about it

Its a friend request on social media ffs. You do not know what is going on in her life. Maybe she is still using but looking for support to stop, maybe she just still wants to use or could be in recovery. You do not know what is going on in her life and wont know the reason behind her request without actually responding to her. One of the steps in recovery is to apologise to people you have wronged, maybe this is what she is doing. From your previous post it appears you were never actually a real friend, more acquaintance.
Perhaps you will do her a favour by not accepting her request, she may be better off without you and your highly judgemental attitude if she is in recovery.
I understand you wanting to protect your child but she poses no risk to your child by sending you a request on social media and you control what relationship you have with her. SS don't care about you being friends with someone who is an addict/ex addict, they will only care if she uses around the child which is again something you have total control over not ever happening.
And yes I have a best friend who has been my best friend for 20 years who was using crack and heroin when younger. I stuck with her and got her the support needed and she is now clean and has been for some time, she has 2 children who I am a Godparent to and I have a 3 month old who she sees frequently. I dont care what others think, if I did then I could never live my life how I wanted.

I just think if you hadn't made a thing out of this, it would be a non issue. Someone I barely know contacts me on FB. I don't especially want to rekindle the friendship. Haven't seen them for years. Ignore it.

Not, have a discussion with my husband, block her and then announce what I've done to a group of friends.

Am I misunderstanding op? How did this become such a thing if you barely even knew her before?

I'm not being critical, I just don't get how this became such a big deal really.

Agree, that if it was a best friend, I would definitely want to be a support, but she barely knows her. The drug thing is almost irrelevant, except that the op has made such a big thing of it.

I don't get why it's such a big issue. It's a social media request, she's not moving in with you.

I agree with @SmoothOrange and @BuntyBonus It's a social media request. It wasn't necessary to mention that you have married a doctor either unless to contrast how much better you have done compared to her. Your husband would well know that social services would not be interested in who your friends are on social media. Don't add her. That's your prerogative. But stop with all the drama about how this is going to affect you because it isn't.

Oh and I don't think you feel awful about it for a second. You feel awful that people are thinking bad of you.

I think you sound awful and have done her a favour by blocking her. Someone with your attitude and opinions is probably the last person she needs in her life.

Love the way she's gone from an old school friend to someone you barely know in a matter of minutes based on the answers as well

Touche @DeathStare Would you let someone back in your life that's been addicted to heroin & crack be around your 6 month old child??

Would I accept an olive branch from a friend who has been through some tough times and is now trying to get her life in order? When that olive branch involves nothing more than adding them on social media and puts nobody in any danger whatsoever? You bet your life I would Me too, I'd do anything for a friend. Especially a clearly vulnerable one.

OP I think you sound quite derogatory and judgemental in your wording. Up to you who you're friends with but she's probably better off reaching out to other more supportive friends. Talking about social services finding out you are hanging around with a "druggie" (nice ) in some wierd obscure way, and saying that you don't want to risk social services thinking you are an addict too is just a blame game. They would have to have far more than just the word of a gossip seeing you walking down the street with her for them to get involved. They are over run as it is. A simple drug test would rule that out for them if it even came to that. Which, let's face it, is a reach and sounds far more like an excuse than a real reason. Judging from your language it seems more like you are judging her than worried about any risk of a simple message. On Facebook. As I said that's up to you. But at least own that. Either way I hope she gets the help and friendship she needs. Thank god my friends didn't ditch me when I was treating them badly, thanks to an abusive controlling rapist ex. When I finally saw past the fog and reached back out, they accepted me back. It took time to develop trust again but thank god for their grace. Otherwise I'd probably be dead by now. I hope she gets help and support. But not from you, she will smell the judgement a mile off and feel all the more shitty for it.

@AnyFucker

I'd like you to explain how your baby would be in danger from you having a bit of a chat with someone you used to be close to

She used drugs. Ok. Do you think she is going to start rubbing cocaine into your baby's gums or something?

My late father was an alcoholic.

I'd never willingly have an addict or ex addict in my life...

Knowing someone who might be using drugs doesn't put your baby at any risk though?

There's alot of levels of empathy existing between blocking someone on fb and letting them babysit for you

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

She's found out you're married to a doctor.

To a smackhead, you've hit the jackpot there. Nice house, nice things, can spare twenty quid for some 'bread, milk and a fiver on the electric' - absolute jackpot.

Block and ignore your preachy friends, who don't seem to be falling over themselves to do anything bit have a go at you.

You sound a delight. Try educating yourself. Ignorant judgemental and frankly stupid post.

@Taddda

Are people stereotyping out of fear, hatred or complete ignorance? Just be grateful your not in their shoes and for the life you have, show a little understanding and compassion towards people suffering or who have been effected by this horrific disease that claims the lives of so many.

It really does sadden me people still ostracise and condemn a massive and ever expanding section of society- chances are you have someone in your life who is suffering this right now, be they a family member, colleague or acquaintance....addiction also isn't that choosy about which section of society it attacks - (No one famous, rich or powerful you know of hey?? Just low life scum who would rob your grannies....?).
'Get talking' about mental health yes (but apparently not 'those people'...they should keep to their side of the 'anonymous' street...)-
It's not about you not choosing to add this person on Social Media, it's about your attitude towards her- dont add her, you've no intention of being friends, but understand her path might have easily been yours or anyone elses- be grateful it wasn't, hope she's turned her life around, and just enjoy your xmas with your family.
Tis the season....

I agree with all of this and your pp too. This is sad. Many of the posts on here such as the one I quoted above are disgusting ignorant and downright awful. Not to mention generally untrue. Too many people watching Trainspotting I think, knowing nothing of true life. Apart from the really bad stories which are not indicative of the whole picture in general.

OP, block and ignore her she's better off without you. Even your social media alone.

Please dont turn your back on her, you can reach out to her without revrlsknv your address or that you have a baby via social media and "test the water" as to if she is clean. Addicts who are recently clean are told as part of their recovery to re connect with friends who have never used as they need to distance themselves from any known associates or "friends" this is hard and isolating and often when users fall down. See what she wants if she is clean and needs help feel honoured that she saw you as a positive friend, it will soon via your chats online be vicar if she is still using and then you can politely say you cant be her friend as she is still using and needs to get clean

@Witchofzog

I agree with @SmoothOrange and @BuntyBonus It's a social media request. It wasn't necessary to mention that you have married a doctor either unless to contrast how much better you have done compared to her. Your husband would well know that social services would not be interested in who your friends are on social media. Don't add her. That's your prerogative. But stop with all the drama about how this is going to affect you because it isn't.

Oh and I don't think you feel awful about it for a second. You feel awful that people are thinking bad of you.

I got this feeling coming through in OPs tone also, I just couldnt find a way to articulate it as you did. I agree with this 100%

No, I would not invite a crack and heroin addict into my life, nor want my children thinking that was normal.

@ladyinparis I'd laugh at you. But it's not a laughing matter.

@NeverDropYourMoonCup Feel free to laugh at me, fill your boots. My opinion of you is one of alarm and concern, that people like you exist with these types of views. It goes to show a lot that you find me funny, whereas I find your views and lack of knowledge, along with your judgemental attitude sad for this world. That I'm amusing to you shows you up more than it does me. Its the poor woman question that I give two fucks about.

Also that you would laugh but it isn't a laughing matter? Nice try on the passive aggressive and thinking yourself clever and funny while a woman's life is in ruins yes, let's all laugh

Really confused as to why any of this is funny. Agree, your "I would laugh at you but..." does not make you look as virtuous as you clearly think you are mooncup.

I feel a lot more worried and sad for the woman the op is acquainted with than I do the op. You would have to be certifiable to think otherwise and I think the op would agree.

All this alarm and concern over the op when the terrible wrong she has had to deal with is a woman asking her to be friends on FB. Really think some people on here need a long hard look at themselves...however I imagine they would do that and think "least I'm not a junky". So much of this attitude on here just now. I'm alright jack. It is very tacky and lacking in class. Shame on some mumsnetters at the moment. The invasion of the ignorant and lacking in empathy is well and truly upon us.

Well said Beatrice and LadyinParis

I agree @BeatriceTheBeast, thank you for expressing what I was trying to say better than I did. The laughing but not laughing in a way to make clear its amusing to her whilst the use of its not a laughing matter to try to not look like, well, what she is. Also I made a typo, I meant to type its the poor woman IN question. Certainly not the OP. I also agree with your point in regards to not only the lack of empathy, but that its truly upon us. Mumsnet has seen a change lately I have thought. But in real life too. The invasion of the "I don't give a fucks" indeed.

I would always keep addicts who are not close family at arm’s length, for various reasons. They would not be coming anywhere near my house, if I was aware of their addiction, and I would not want to have a social life with them, as our lifestyles and values would be very different. No sense of personal responsibility and of responsibility to others. Too much deceit and taking advantage of others. No-one needs to put up with that toxic crap and you have no obligation to try and support them while they constantly take advantage of you.

That said, this is just a friend request, not an invitation to dinner. Plenty of people have loads of past acquaintances on their friends list as they like to know how they’re doing, if there are any major events in their life and that they’re happy etc. There is no obligation to share any of your updates with people who are just FB acquaintances if you don’t want to give her much access to your life. I would accept her request to see if she had got clean and was happy and if so I would be genuinely pleased for her and wish her well. But I would have no desire to rekindle a friendship with her and would turn down any invitation from her to meet up. It was 3 years ago, too much water under the bridge. I wouldn’t be blocking and thinking of what social services would think, how funny that you’re paranoid about that!!

I am wary of someone in our family because of his past addiction. He seems to have grown up at last and changed, but I will never quite trust him again to tell the whole truth about things and I would never in a million years lend him any money. He took advantage of people and used them. So, while he was never out of our lives like your friend, my feelings towards him are just not and never will be the same but he is family so we are still very much involved in family social occasions etc. You don’t have to have that same relationship with an ex friend if you don’t want to.

That said, if people from the same social circle accept their friend request and start inviting her out socially, you’d better plan what you would do if she started joining you on joint nights out. Personally it wouldn’t put me off going out in a big group but I wouldn’t be rushing to sit next to her. Arm’s length but polite would be my stance.

Curlyhairassasin how would you know your lifestyles would be different? I guess your lifestyle would be different to the stereotypical addict but then there are functioning addicts too, would you be ok with them?

How can anyone truly recover if their constantly being looked at suspiciously and kept at arms length?? By a family member also? Can you imagine being treated in such a way for the rest of your life, even after finding recovery, still and always a pariah? Shame.

I absolutely give up with this thread it's just upsetting - It really is an age of treat people how you want, not how you would want to be treated.
Happy Christmas

You don’t have to be friends with anyone you don’t want to. You don’t even need a reason and it’s nobody else’s fucking business.