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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think friend is looking for an excuse to not work

149 replies

Beadyohfeedme · 11/12/2019 23:28

This is going to sound harsh.
My very close friend hasn't worked since her ds was born nearly 3 years ago. She's a single mum and has done a bit of temporary work, cash in hand and started a college course. She's a single mum so I do think she finds things tough but has very supportive family near by and a nice flat which is hers for life.
We have both struggled with our finances and she is currently nearly £20,000 in debt. I know it gets her down and she tells me that she ignores the post and phone calls. Everything goes on the credit card and she has taken her son out of nursery as she owes them nearly a grand and can't afford to pay.
I was absolutely delighted when she got offered a job a few weeks ago and not just any old job but a well paid one with career progression in an exciting sector. We went out to celebrate and after her first day she told me how great it felt to be earning and making a fresh start.
Last week she said commuting and dropping her ds off and picking him up at 6 was tiring and she didn't know how much longer she could do it. I said why didn't she drop to three days and try to do a lot of stiff the night before, batch cook on a Sunday etc. I have a dd4 and a ds3, a dp that's out the house 7-7 each day and full time job so even if I don't know exactly what her life is like, I know it can be tough day in and day out.
Today she said that because of something that happened at the Christmas do (married colleagues copping off and a fight between a guy and his wife) she didn't think she could work there anymore (because of the atmosphere.) I think this is a bit of a feeble excuse. Why would you chuck away a good job because of things that your colleagues have done wrong? Why not try to shorten your hours or look for something else whilst in this role? I think she's just tired and the novelty has worn off. Should I say something? I suppose I'm a big believer in work for self esteem, keeping your brain active and for making life more interesting. I just think she's making a mistake.

OP posts:

Twinklelikethechristmastree · 12/12/2019 10:21

I had a friend like this. I eventually lost respect for her. She would not pay her bills or debt but go out on trips to Milton Keynes and buy her and the kids designer clothes.

beautifulstranger101 · 12/12/2019 10:24

This really isn't about self esteem. Its about the fact she owes 20k in debt and is spending time and effort avoiding her debtors who are after her. This isn't going to go away and its only going to get worse if she quits her job.

If I had a quid for every crappy ,awful job Ive worked at, i'd be able to retire now. We have all experienced crappy work environments but we put up with it because we dont have a choice. Bills have to be paid.

Wild123 · 12/12/2019 10:28

I am in a very similar position as your friend... I'm a FT (5 days a week) single parent with and 8yo and in debt up to my eyeballs!

I love my job but i am exhausted and its only because i need to put a roof over my daughter head that i do it. I don't get any benefits and i would be even worse off to give up my job to go on benefits not to mention what that would do to my mental health. But it is HARD.

If she give up her job she will not be able to go back on UC straight away. If you want to support her i would recommend to get her to look into WHEN she will be able to apply for UC again and whether she can afford it.

With my debt i have wrote to all my creditors and advised them of my situation and asked them to freeze and interest and TOLD them what i can afford to pay at the moment and i pay that. Most i've had no problems with they are getting something. I can't give them what i haven't got and i've stopped getting so stressed about it!

ReanimatedSGB · 12/12/2019 10:39

Yet again: many jobs are shit for your self-esteem, because they are a waste of time, poorly paid and consist of constant low-level aggravations or even conflict with your own ethics. Waged work is not the only solution.

userxx · 12/12/2019 10:56

Workshy.

Gardai · 12/12/2019 11:46

Define workshy userxx

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 12/12/2019 11:52

OP you sound like a good friend and I would say trust your instinct and your sense of the boundaries within your friendship and have an open conversation with her. Mumsnet is not really all that helpful as you’ll just get people with no feel for the dynamic of your relationship either projecting their own concerns on to your situation or using it as an excuse to have a go at you for eg daring to suggest you might have insight into how life may be for a single mother. It just creates a load of noise when you really need to go with your gut based on the real life dynamic. Do you know anyone else who knows her IRL to whom you could mention your concerns eg her Mum?

Havaina · 12/12/2019 12:06

But the debt won't go away. Once it's there the only way is to clear it, isn't it? Or maybe there is some charity that I could be signposted to who could help her to clear it whilst not in employment.

Does she own her own home?

I would looking into applying for bankruptcy. My sister did it and she never got into debt again (however, she didn't have her own home or car).

Original poster

Beadyohfeedme · 12/12/2019 12:23

@ArgumentativeAardvaark her mum is tricky as she's been on benefits her whole life. My friend is very open about this and says that her mum is adamant that she should claim benefits and not bother with this work stuff.

OP posts:

Original poster

Beadyohfeedme · 12/12/2019 12:35

@namechangetheworld I've been a SAHP on benefits. It is boring. Not being able to find a spare quid for playgroup, going to the shop with 35p in your pocket for tinned tomato's and trying to explain to your child why you can't buy them a Freddo, card getting declined on the bus and having to walk miles in the rain. It's very boring.

OP posts:

mrssoap · 12/12/2019 12:56

I've been a SAHP on benefits. It is boring. Not being able to find a spare quid for playgroup, going to the shop with 35p in your pocket for tinned tomato's and trying to explain to your child why you can't buy them a Freddo, card getting declined on the bus and having to walk miles in the rain. It's very boring.

You have just described my life right now 😔*
*

BloodyDisgrace · 12/12/2019 13:17

If I were you I wouldn't say anything about her stopping work. I hated working myself and I have no kids, so I had an easier life comparing to many, but even that was often knackering and soul-killing. If I really wanted to be her good friend, I'd say "look, if it helps you can drop your kid at mine for a few hours. Or I can come and cook you a dinner", I'd offer to help her to pay a bill so her phone, for example, is not switched off. Stuff like that. She might say no thank you, you are very kind, but I believe these options are better than what you are thinking of.

misspiggy19 · 12/12/2019 13:26

Your friend sounds overwhelmed and in need of a less judgy ‘friend’.*

^I would judge someone who had £20k debt, has no intention of paying it back and doesn’t want to work.

breakfastpizza · 12/12/2019 13:40

It obviously isn't the right path for her. I'd try to be supportive until she finds the right one.

SpiderCharlotte · 12/12/2019 14:11

It's very boring.

For you. Not for everyone.

bibliomania · 12/12/2019 14:26

I wish people would stop treating it like a SAHM-bashing thread. It's fine to be a SAHM. It's not fine to rack up debts and then decide it's too hard to work to pay them off.

userxx · 12/12/2019 14:30

@Gardai People who try to avoid work. Another word, lazyarse.

ReanimatedSGB · 12/12/2019 18:16

Often, refusing to take - or stay in - a shit job is a sign of having plenty of self respect and a good sense of ethics. Don't forget that OP's friend is also working on her own business and looking after young DC. She's not playing with herself all day.

gamerchick · 12/12/2019 18:19

Often, refusing to take - or stay in - a shit job is a sign of having plenty of self respect and a good sense of ethics

Yeah benefits will support that attitude for definite.

SpiderCharlotte · 12/12/2019 18:35

a good sense of ethics

Um, a good sense of ethics is paying back money that you owe.

beautifulstranger101 · 12/12/2019 18:36

Often, refusing to take - or stay in - a shit job is a sign of having plenty of self respect and a good sense of ethics

Rubbish. That implies that anyone stuck in a job they dislike has no self respect and no ethics. Some of us dont have a choice- we have bills to pay and responsibilities. Not to mention that not everyone is privileged enough to have got the same educational opportunities.
I would say someone who is 20k in debt and doesnt want to work has far more dodgy "ethics" than someone who works their arse off to pay their debts like a responsible adult.

ReanimatedSGB · 12/12/2019 19:19

It's wrong that people don't have a choice. Debt can be due to all sorts of things other than self-indulgence - being ill, or having a family member who is ill. Working for someone who goes bust without paying you. Poor credit rating which means that, if you have to borrow money in an emergency, the interest rates are enormous...

Onehundredandtwo · 12/12/2019 22:36

You are trying to make out you are simply a concerned friend and then you post these sort of comments. Being a SAHM parent on benefits was boring for you. It was tough at times for me but it was not boring. And I don't want to minimise just how tough budgeting is. I am thankful I was getting income support, not universal credit - which is extra tough. But that said I didn't ever have my card declined or find myself unable to buy a Freddo. I appreciate that must have been a difficult time but you need to stop thinking your experience is everyone else's.

Graphista · 13/12/2019 15:03

NOBODY is saying it’s JUST because she’s a single parent. But you repeatedly making comments suggesting you have ANY insight into how it is to be a single parent is insulting.

Your other friends and colleagues who are working single parents could well have support and other different circumstances to your friend. Without knowing all of their full circumstances we can’t know how they all compare.

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