To think friend is looking for an excuse to not work

[Beadyohfeedme]

This is going to sound harsh.
My very close friend hasn't worked since her ds was born nearly 3 years ago. She's a single mum and has done a bit of temporary work, cash in hand and started a college course. She's a single mum so I do think she finds things tough but has very supportive family near by and a nice flat which is hers for life.
We have both struggled with our finances and she is currently nearly £20,000 in debt. I know it gets her down and she tells me that she ignores the post and phone calls. Everything goes on the credit card and she has taken her son out of nursery as she owes them nearly a grand and can't afford to pay.
I was absolutely delighted when she got offered a job a few weeks ago and not just any old job but a well paid one with career progression in an exciting sector. We went out to celebrate and after her first day she told me how great it felt to be earning and making a fresh start.
Last week she said commuting and dropping her ds off and picking him up at 6 was tiring and she didn't know how much longer she could do it. I said why didn't she drop to three days and try to do a lot of stiff the night before, batch cook on a Sunday etc. I have a dd4 and a ds3, a dp that's out the house 7-7 each day and full time job so even if I don't know exactly what her life is like, I know it can be tough day in and day out.
Today she said that because of something that happened at the Christmas do (married colleagues copping off and a fight between a guy and his wife) she didn't think she could work there anymore (because of the atmosphere.) I think this is a bit of a feeble excuse. Why would you chuck away a good job because of things that your colleagues have done wrong? Why not try to shorten your hours or look for something else whilst in this role? I think she's just tired and the novelty has worn off. Should I say something? I suppose I'm a big believer in work for self esteem, keeping your brain active and for making life more interesting. I just think she's making a mistake.

Please don’t say to your friend that you are tantamount to a single mum because your husband works long hours.

As she is struggling, offer practical help to get her through it. So don’t just recommend batch cooking, go round and help her batch cook.

Put your money where your mouth is. Unless you actually help her, all you are offering really us judgement thinly disguised as advice. Which is no real support at all.

Agree make her up some meals and take them over for when she gets in from work for a few nights a week so she can feed herself and DC with min fuss. It's exhausting juggling a new job and new routines. You have a partner so to be brutal, you won't be able to imagine how hard it is doing all that as a SP. Probably 2x as hard and then some. Take off the judgy pants and get behind her, support and encourage. This is a period of adjustment, she can get through it, encourage her.

It sounds like she is feeling overwhelmed.
I hopes she sticks it out and gets through that stage.

I think you're a lovely friend to be thinking of her. I agree she ought to stay in her job. Maybe she needs to book some annual leave for next year, so she has something to look forward to.

not just any old job but a well paid one with career progression in an exciting sector this jumped out to me. That sounds like a bit of a leap after three years at home with a child.

I did something similar, managed to get a very well paid job back after several years at home - only to then quit very early on. I was completely out of my depth. Commuting and managing my youngest in nursery was very difficult, emotionally more than anything. I subsequently found less well paid local work that wasn't so overwhelming, short days initially, them moved on to a full time role. I now easily manage the logistics of being a single mum working full time so do I know it isn't impossible but what she is doing right now just might be too much.

She might just need encouragement getting through the initial phase but she really needs a friend who hasn't decided what is best and what she should do.

I think I’d feel the same as you OP (particularly about the flimsy reason for wanting to leave) and I certainly have friends who would- and would say so.
If you are close friends, who sometimes do a bit of straight talking, I don’t see why you shouldn’t encourage her to stick it out (without, of course, telling her what ‘you would do’ in her situation). Then you have to respect her decision, her privacy and her autonomy, however much this involves biting your tongue!

Friends 'support' not manage or judge each other. Find other friends op.

You have absolutely no idea how hard it is being a lone parent, none. And as such you really shouldn't say anything derogatory or judgmental or critical about any decision she might make.

I've been a single mum for nearly 17 years, in that time I've been a combination of working mum, student mum and sahm, all had their challenges and certain jobs/hours really didn't work for us even though on paper they should have.

You also don't know what it's like raising an only child, when they're very young and it's just the two of you that can be very demanding, I used to love having other people's kids over for play dates or sleepovers as it meant dd had someone else to occupy her, to play with her etc

I also understand and acknowledge I can't understand what it's like to have more than one child.

You seem so narrow minded and so rigid that you know what's best for her and that your way of doing things is the right way.

It may be right for you but her circumstances are VERY different to yours.

You need to be supportive not make things harder for her.

Do you like her for who she is OP? Or is your friendship based on a certain social status you need her to achieve/ maintain?

In a real friendship whether the individual does paid work or not, surely there would be an overriding sense of mutual respect that doesn't depend on anything but being a good friend and mum?

I would visit till the kid/s are at school. I wouldn't want to put my 3 year old in childcare for those hours.

i think you should frog march her to work with a gun placed discreetly in her back whilst whispering “get to fucking work you single parent you”.
Or just be supportive like a normal friend and stop PA judging.

you could just tell her the positives but otherwise she will make her own choices

She’s an adult. Stop trying to ‘fix’ her.

Unless she’s incredibly stupid she knows that she’s being financially irresponsible. She’s racked up so much debt, not because she’s a single parent but because she lacks responsibility for her finances.

I have turned down jobs that paid better and required me to drop my kid at nursery at 6.

The reason was very easy to understand, dropping a kid once in a blue moon at 6 is not a problem, doing it in a regular basis is. For starters, hardly any childcare is available before 7 or after 6. I couldn’t get to work in time because the nursery was closed at the time I needed to be in my train and was closed again by the time I could return.

She may also be feeling out of her depth with a professional job after such long gap.

As others have said, you don’t know what is like to become a single mum until you are one, and even so, the circumstances are different for everyone. She may be putting her mental health or time with her kid ahead of a bit more residual income than the UC provides.

Today she said that because of something that happened at the Christmas do (married colleagues copping off and a fight between a guy and his wife) she didn't think she could work there anymore (because of the atmosphere.)

^What a shit “excuse”.

She is £20k in debt. What is she going to do when the debtors come knocking? She is screwed.

Just want to point out I didn't get an inheritance or live with parents till my 30s and I was able to get on the housing ladder alone at 24 by serious grafting and saving.....

With regards to your friend, I think you are trying to be helpful but as PP have said there may be more than meets the eye. Speak to her about how she's feeling, it may be she really is struggling mentally as well.

I think your friend needs to take a look at her spending to see how she's got to £20k of debt and to try cut back on some things to start paying it off.

Also if she does quit, and then goes back to moaning about having no money and the debt, I'm not sure I could listen to it all again! I'd have to change the topic or just say I've heard it all before and no need to talk about it again.

Going 3 days a week is not always an option.
I work now that it is possible but feeling judged for not working (as a single parent) is really hard. She tried working and is struggling. She wouldnt even have started the job if she was determined not to work.

@RuffleCrow obviously I like her. I have lots of friends who don't work for many different reasons. I never say anything, I don't judge, I know why. With a friend who tells you how much they want to work, tells you they want adult conversation every day and a wage coming in every month and to live rather than exist then I support them in that. I'm just asking whether it would be U to remind friend that this is what she wanted and that it'll help her to get out of debt. If she is sure she can't do it then that's one thing but why not look at alternatives before handing your notice in.
I don't understand this never being able to say you have it hard unless your a single mum argument. No I don't know what it's like to be a single mum but I do know what it's like to get two kids up on your own and get them ready and out the house for 7am and do it five days a week. I know how it feels to pick up late and sending begging messages to your childminder because you're stuck in traffic. My friend is only having to do this twice a week as her mum is having ds twice a week. I'm not saying it's not hard but a lot of us do it.

Given the debt and the fact that there is a child that needs supporting, I’d distance myself if she quit. Four days and one child is easily doable. Plenty manage far more hours with more commitments.

I find it strange this idea that friends just say ‘yeah hun, you do you’. In my world friends offer their opinion and give advice, and it’s not seen as being ‘judgy’ because time has shown that these friends care and have each other’s best interests at heart.

@Letthemysterybe me too! My friend tells me to dump my dp. She's honest. I'd like think I could say the same. I don't want everyone to 'be like me.' But if you're in debt surely working is the only way out isn't it?